Question for the Ladies..Is Attraction a choice ?

[avf]

So I have been hearing from some relationship "experts" that Attraction cannot be turned on in a woman if its does not exist in the first place. So question is if a guy approaches you, would you know right away if you will go out with him or not by their first approach or physical appearance ?

 

This mindset implies that if the woman does not find you attractive in the first place there is no point in trying to charm/talk her coz there is no attraction from her side and its a fruitless exercise...What do you ladies and men think ?

[QueenDafine]

I fell in love with a guy who I wasn't physically attracted to at all. At first I couldnt picture us being more than friends and I'd never date him. But I got to know him and persistence was his best friend because I fell in love with his personality, which made him physically attractive to me!

 

It's fair to say though that attraction isn't turned on in a man unless it's not there in the first place. I've never met or known a man who could date an unattractive woman. It just doesn't work.

[Brittybritt92]

I think people are attracted to different things but ultimately, initial attraction is important.

 

For example, when I use an app like tinder, it takes me less than a half a second to know if I'm interested initially, of course attraction can be lost at that point if the conversation is bad or maybe they are immature/overly sexual or the worst, clingy! aah!

 

I've been in situations where I liked someone and they didn't feel the same, and on the other end too where someone really liked me but I didn't like them, if I enjoyed talking to them or their company I would sometimes friend zone them when I was younger (and cared less).

[Brittybritt92]

I fell in love with a guy who I wasn't physically attracted to at all. At first I couldnt picture us being more than friends and I'd never date him. But I got to know him and persistence was his best friend because I fell in love with his personality, which made him physically attractive to me!

 

It's fair to say though that attraction isn't turned on in a man unless it's not there in the first place. I've never met or known a man who could date an unattractive woman. It just doesn't work.

 

 

I don't know if it's fair to say that if a guy persists a woman, she might become into him later but attraction must be instant with a guy. Constant pursuit of someone that isn't interested is usually incredibly unattractive. You probably had SOME attraction to him initially, be it his personality or something else, but if he kept pursuing you and you were repulsed, you wouldn't have been flattered...

 

And clinginess is the WORST thing you can do when you like someone. Over-pursuing is like beating a dead horse!

[Standard-Fare]

AVF, I assume you're male, but turn your questions back at yourself. In your experience, do you recognize attraction right from the start? Have you ever had experiences where it's not there initially but becomes present later?

 

My guess is your answers would be similar to any female's. I'm not sure this issue is gender-specific.

 

And most people would tell you that attraction is a fundamental, chemical feeling that is recognized early on--if not at first encounter, then pretty soon after.

 

However, I think most people would also acknowledge that it's not always that clear-cut. Sometimes attraction is more subtle, and takes a while to register. Sometimes physical attraction can build from an initial mental attraction. But those types of of attraction don't have a chance if the circumstances aren't there to let it grow —*i.e. yes, it can happen for two people who work side by side every day, or two people who keep an open mind with their early dating... but for strangers at a bar together one night, nope.

 

And sometimes, yes, people are willing to overlook a lack of attraction in order to pursue/maintain a relationship that makes sense in other ways. But I don't think that's anyone's ideal.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Is it a choice for you, OP? Put yourself in your own hypothetical situation. Could you become attracted to a woman you weren't initially attracted to?

 

Women and men aren't as different as you may think. Think about the answer to that, the why and why not, whether it could vary from woman to woman and situation to situation, and so on.

[ZayKayWill]

It's not necessarily a choice...it's a learned experience. Maybe you can't help the physical attraction but the emotional attraction is purely subjective. Which I guess you COULD say isn't a choice if subjectively speaking you are attracted to that person, but it's still in your control how you go about your attraction to that person. So yes. It is a choice. Free will does exist.

[elaine567]

So I have been hearing from some relationship "experts" that Attraction cannot be turned on in a woman if its does not exist in the first place. So question is if a guy approaches you, would you know right away if you will go out with him or not by their first approach or physical appearance ?

 

This mindset implies that if the woman does not find you attractive in the first place there is no point in trying to charm/talk her coz there is no attraction from her side and its a fruitless exercise...What do you ladies and men think ?

 

I think as far as attraction goes there there is N0, Maybe and YES.

Yes and NO are self explanatory but "Maybe" can go either way.

Persistent guys can sometimes turn a "maybe" into a YES, but NO is a lost cause.

 

I think some men make the mistake of seeing a woman they like and then he almost forces her to go out with him, he gets caught up in the thrill of the chase, and whilst for some women it is all very flattering to get so much attention, and she may lap it all up, she has no basic desire for him. To him she is perfect, to her not so much. and so it ends, leaving him heart broken.

 

IMV it is better to date people who are obviously very attracted to you, relationships are hard enough without trying to "force" someone to be attracted to you too.

Without basic attraction coming from BOTH sides, it is always going to be an uphill struggle.

[Hopeful30]

I will speak from personal experience.

 

Attraction can vary. I can be physically attracted to someone without wanting them to be my boyfriend, while I can be attracted to a particular personality or type while being disappointed I'm not sexually aroused by them. So, in my personal opinion, a woman can be attracted to diffierent things in a man.

 

When it comes to dating, sexual attraction is necessary, but not always evident on the first meeting. For me, if I hang with a guy two or three times, I will know whether I am physically attracted to them or not.

 

Now to answer your final question, yes it is a must. I dated my ex-boyfriend for 1.5 years and I was never sexually attracted to him. I wanted to give him a chance, because he was a good guy, and I genuinely believed that this type of attraction could grow, especially when you begin to love a person for who they truly are.

 

After 1.5 years, I eventually broke it off because I realized that no, sexual attraction cannot grow from nothing. It must be there from the beginning, because it's either there, or it's not. I speak from experience.

[Gaeta]

I told my story many times on here, sorry to those who have to read it for the 100th times.

 

After my first coffee date with by BF I had decided to not see him again. He had been a perfect gentleman, he was interesting, he presented well but there was a series of little things I didn't like things like he was too tall, too thin, hair too long, he was not the type of man that usually made me turn my head.

 

When he called to invite me to a second date I had no other prospect at the time and had a free night so I thought.........why not. I got nothing else on the agenda.

 

I remember waiting for him outside the movie theater and looking at him walking toward me. Suddenly realized he walked with confidence, he carried himself with assurance, he smiled at me with with his perfect colgate smile and I thought OH, I like that! Why I didn't see that on our first date!!

 

Each date I liked him more and now I think he's beautiful and sexy and I am crazy about him.

[falxmanolo]

So I have been hearing from some relationship "experts" that Attraction cannot be turned on in a woman if its does not exist in the first place. So question is if a guy approaches you, would you know right away if you will go out with him or not by their first approach or physical appearance ?

 

This mindset implies that if the woman does not find you attractive in the first place there is no point in trying to charm/talk her coz there is no attraction from her side and its a fruitless exercise...What do you ladies and men think ?

 

I think most of us are quite visual and we are attracted to what we see at first instance but what keeps interest ticking later boils down to individual taste- humour, intelligence, personality etc.

 

That being said, I know people who were never physically attracted to people who "grew on them" over time.

 

So I suppose in answer to question, we women are complicated (as are men) and we don't know what we are attracted to lol. There is no formula unfortunately!

[Mysterio]

I think Attraction is various. It comes out in many ways. I think more men are attracted to women than vice versa.

 

Its like in my head. A woman comes into a room. She likes 3 guys out of 10. A man walks into a room he likes 8 women out of 10.

 

It really depends on how a woman reacts to me. The more warm she is. The more I find myself attracted to her. Closer to my own age as well. so that is 30/40/50 something. I don't find I am attracted to really young women. As I just see them as fickle. I am 45. So my age range would be 27 to 57. if I had to crunch the numbers then its 33 to 48.

 

I am a Black Male. As long as the woman does not look like she could be my Mother. Even if she is older. I like Short/Medium/Tall. White/Black/Latino/Oriental/Native.

 

I think attraction also has this factor. Some people are more visual. Some are more audial. Some have it fused together. For me its fused together. Unless we have some real repore towards each other. I usually have to have some sort of interaction with the woman.

 

I have 7 women friends and I think that 4 of them are attractive to me in the sense that I could sleep with them. Under the right circumstances, but that is coming from a lust standpoint Not the rest of the day to day relationship.

[Larryville]

In your experience, do you recognize attraction right from the start? Have you ever had experiences where it's not there initially but becomes present later?

 

For example, when I use an app like tinder, it takes me less than a half a second to know if I'm interested initially, of course attraction can be lost at that point if the conversation is bad or maybe they are immature/overly sexual or the worst, clingy!

 

I think people are attracted to different things but ultimately, initial attraction is important.

 

It really depends on how a woman reacts to me. The more warm she is. The more I find myself attracted to her.

 

I remember when I was very young my dad saying to me that LOOKS were the most important factor in developing a relationship.

 

I know some people may have issue with that statement but I think it is critical. I have been trying to process me falling for someone I was not attracted to.

 

The more warm she is…

 

This is important particularly to me. Maybe I over process but I consider so many things in attraction, things like someone’s eyes, smile, voice, posture, confidence.

 

The browsing of OLD profile pics I can scan at lightning speed and know in an instant if I’m interested too.

 

In person, the right individual will flip internal switches right away. I can’t comprehend how someone would not have those switches flip in their mind right away upon meeting and somehow later “develop” an attraction.

 

Certainly women can indeed do this but I don’t see a typical man being able to do this.

[SwordofFlame]

So I have been hearing from some relationship "experts" that Attraction cannot be turned on in a woman if its does not exist in the first place. So question is if a guy approaches you, would you know right away if you will go out with him or not by their first approach or physical appearance ?

 

This mindset implies that if the woman does not find you attractive in the first place there is no point in trying to charm/talk her coz there is no attraction from her side and its a fruitless exercise...What do you ladies and men think ?

 

I will say that dating a woman who's not initially sexually attracted to you at the beginning and hoping it develops later on is very risky and often leads to disappointment (among other things) when things inevitably don't work out.

[strawberryshortstack]

I told my story many times on here, sorry to those who have to read it for the 100th times.

 

After my first coffee date with by BF I had decided to not see him again. He had been a perfect gentleman, he was interesting, he presented well but there was a series of little things I didn't like things like he was too tall, too thin, hair too long, he was not the type of man that usually made me turn my head.

 

When he called to invite me to a second date I had no other prospect at the time and had a free night so I thought.........why not. I got nothing else on the agenda.

 

I remember waiting for him outside the movie theater and looking at him walking toward me. Suddenly realized he walked with confidence, he carried himself with assurance, he smiled at me with with his perfect colgate smile and I thought OH, I like that! Why I didn't see that on our first date!!

 

Each date I liked him more and now I think he's beautiful and sexy and I am crazy about him.

 

And this is exactly why I almost always allow a second date before making a decision about a guy. You see things on second dates that weren't there on the first, or were there and you just didn't notice.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Attraction isn't a choice, to me, it's a feeling you get,

Every single day, you may be attracted to someone with wit,

You can also lose that attraction, obviously, it happens all the time,

The choice is the action you choose after the attraction you find.

 

-Not a lady

[Miss Peach]

Men and women are different here. Men usually know if they are physically attracted first and then try to figure things out. Women there needs to be a base level of attraction but men can grow/not grow on us more attraction-wise.

 

Some men are immediately or as we get to know him a no and that will be hard to move to a yes. But if you are at least a maybe, that can be moved to a yes.

 

I had my BF in the maybe pile the first few times we met. We met IRL in a group social setting. Then he asked me out and we went out a few times and I really liked him.

[Yamaha]

It's easy to be attracted to attractive people. Doesn't take much effort to see them as sexually attractive.

Now an attractive person can ruin that attraction by the way they behave or act.

I always find this question funny because people feel like you are either attracted to a person or your not. But if you think about what makes a person attractive to you, there are many possibilities. If you like butts or boobs then you will be sexually attractive to a person with those attributes. Or if you like arms or height then those also will attract you.

I think the underlying factor is how people feel about themselves. Are you an attractive person? If yes, then you will be attracted to a person with a similar attraction as yourself. I mean, do you think unattractive people are attracted to likewise unattractive people? They realize that they probably can't get a person they would be attracted to so they look at things other than the face or body to spark their interest. They might not have a initial attraction but they stick with it if they are interested in that person.

I heard once someone saying you are basically judging people based on their parents genetics. Probably not the best way to pick a suitable mate. Guess it depends on what your looking for, a sexual conquest or a long term relationship.

You need some attraction but my thinking is that we way over-blow the physical aspects because we see them as important to society.

If you were on a island with just you and 1 other person you wouldn't care what your friends thought or society as a whole because you don't have to live up to the image put on us.

[BrutalHonesty1980]

There has to be instant attraction.

[dumbass2]

I've dating women for a about a month without the total physical attraction. I unfortunately have not had a situation where the feelings grew and where the more I got to know her the more attracted I became to her. I guess I'm just someone, at least right now, that needs the physical chemistry to be there at the start or else it's probably not going anywhere.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I've dating women for a about a month without the total physical attraction. I unfortunately have not had a situation where the feelings grew and where the more I got to know her the more attracted I became to her. I guess I'm just someone, at least right now, that needs the physical chemistry to be there at the start or else it's probably not going anywhere.

 

And indeed, for many women, this is their experience too...they "try" and "try" but there's just no way, because physically, nothing is there.

 

And OTOH, for many other women, this isn't their experience, and feelings grow....but maybe only once, and for reasons the woman can't pinpoint; or maybe more than once; or maybe for some extremely specific reason or even a shared experience...You're getting the idea, I'm sure. There is no one size fits all. There just isn't any one way to answer the OP's question with any degree of certainty or absolutes.

 

There is absolutely no way to quantify this and there's no way to generalize it for either women or men.

 

OP, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you're totally "in love" with some hottie but she doesn't want you, and you're wondering if her feelings will change? Yes? No?

 

Also, I don't think you answered my question, so would you mind doing so now? - How does this work *for you*...have you ever not been physically attracted to a woman, but then other qualities made her become attractive to you?

[Popsicle]

I think as far as attraction goes there there is N0, Maybe and YES.

Yes and NO are self explanatory but "Maybe" can go either way.

Persistent guys can sometimes turn a "maybe" into a YES, but NO is a lost cause.

 

I think some men make the mistake of seeing a woman they like and then he almost forces her to go out with him, he gets caught up in the thrill of the chase, and whilst for some women it is all very flattering to get so much attention, and she may lap it all up, she has no basic desire for him. To him she is perfect, to her not so much. and so it ends, leaving him heart broken.

 

IMV it is better to date people who are obviously very attracted to you, relationships are hard enough without trying to "force" someone to be attracted to you too.

Without basic attraction coming from BOTH sides, it is always going to be an uphill struggle.

 

Yes this.

 

There are "maybe's" and a lot of women will give the maybe's a chance, but others only go for the "yes" and that's it.

[thecrucible]

I'm about to get very honest here...

 

I think you have to be attracted to the other person physically on some level. It's about paying attention to your feelings properly though. You could be attracted to someone but dismissive of this because they're not what you expected or they're not universally appealing. It's not about looks. There is a guy I really fancied in the past and never admitted it. There are guys who weren't very photogenic but there was something about their physical presence which I was really attracted to. I didn't have to force it. But if I hadn't met them in person and just saw an OLD profile, I'm not sure I would have felt attracted.

 

It sucks when you meet the good on paper guys you really want to feel attraction to but you can't. I dated a guy like that a few years ago. I really liked him but couldn't feel attracted no matter how much I thought about it. That's the thing, if you feel like you are making an effort to try or it feels like a drag, then there isn't enough attraction there. I had no sexual desire for him. There are other guys I've felt physically attracted enough to to want to sleep with them but yet not enough romantic feelings to want to date them (usually some personality connection that wasn't there).

 

I have to admit I've really struggled to learn more about myself and I confuse myself all the time trying to work out if there's enough mutual attraction to give things a go. Why? I'm deathly scared I'm going to hurt someone or lead them on, or some accidental trickery. I cheated on a past bf and I've spent hundreds of hours analysing what went wrong. It made me think that I was being selfish by not considering physical attraction or lack of it from either side as an important factor in a relationship longevity. By trying to do the 'good' thing in the beginning, I ended up screwing up tenfold. I'm much more in tune with my feelings now but I'm mulling over the 'attraction' level all the time so I know I'm genuinely attracted for the right reasons.

 

Actually when you are attracted, it's probably not something you have to think about or analyse. It just feels right and natural. It'd be great to find something where both the physical and romantic attraction are there. Romantic is most important - you want to be close to them and it's different from a purely sexual feeling. It's hard to describe.

[nobodyIam]

I dont know about women,but in my case, I was not really attracted to my ex before we started dating. She was chasing me for some time and one day she came to a party with one of my friends and as we were chatting I decided that she's interesting and asked her out. She always used to say that she was waiting for that moment for a long time. We ended up together for three yeaes and she broke my heart (things turn around,huh?). So I believe it can work out, especially given that people change a lot. Ieg. some girls I wouldnt even look at when I was in hs are now beauties.

[OnwardWeGo]

It is not that attraction is a choice per se, but at least for me attraction often grows by getting to know someone and liking who they are. I have developed strong physical attractions this way, to people who did not turn my head at first sight.