emotional support - listening to problems...

[hockey17]

I was corporate downsized about 3 years ago and have had quite a road to getting back to a good place in my career which I am well on my way to achieving. It was a very emotional time and during that time I was able to count on my girl for support. She was wonderful.

 

From time to time things have happened that bring me back which makes me angry, sad, etc..... which makes me want to revisit some earlier discussions that she and I had regarding the topic. However, she feels that discussing that topic is not healthy and has already been covered and for that reason will not engage me in a conversation.

 

This is frustrating to me. While she is probably right she does not have the emotional perspective that I do which makes me feel that she does not understand my need. Either way I want to discuss it with her and not someone else but she won't and I feel the need so I am not sure what to do.

 

Any suggestions or perspectives on the topic would be appreciated.

Thanks

Edited January 4, 2017 by hockey17

[amaysngrace]

I'm glad you're on your way back to being successful in your career.

 

I understand her perspective a little because what's done is done and revisiting the past over and over again won't change it. She was there for you during your difficult time, correct? Then in fairness to her if you have some unresolved issues of what was said by whom back then, perhaps you should seek therapy to find out why you're stuck in the past.

 

Good luck.

[Gloria25]

I believe that yes, our SO is to be where we turn to for advice, support, warmth, and comfort...there's times where we would best be served by a priest, professional, counselor - because those people are trained and skilled better at helping us get through certain things and it's not fair to burden a SO with something that they probably cannot get you through and/or what is revealed would hurt your SO and/or the relationship.

 

Well wishes.

[Gaeta]

She did her part, she was supportive and loving.

 

If you are having a problem moving on from what happen than you need to seek a professional. She is not a therapist therefore not equipped to help you. Using her to dump all of your stress over it would only harm your relationship.

[amaysngrace]

Journaling helps too if you just need to get it out of your head. Have you tried that?

[hockey17]

Thanks for all of the replies..... I do not feel that I am stuck in the past, not moving on or dumping all of my stress on her, the problem is that there are a few things that stir emotions in me e.g. i am still friends with some folks from the place, i get job advertisements from sites like indeed

 

While I have minimized these things there are a few times where i get upset and want to revisit a conversation with her. I really feel that my requests to talk about the topic are not over and over but rather a few times a year (2-3).

 

Do people feel that the fact that i find it upsetting from time to time now (about 2 years later) means that i have not moved on? I do not think so since i have been enjoying a new position with a new company but what do you guys think?

 

In regards to the counselor suggestions; I would love to do that and have someone that I used while transitioning through a divorce. She is awesome but the job change took time and therefore had a significant cost and I really can not afford the service.

 

I have tried a journal before which helped some.

 

It seems like my choices are talk to her - which she will not do, talk to a counselor - which i can not afford right now, or hold it in.

Edited January 4, 2017 by hockey17

[amaysngrace]

I think if it's a topic you want to talk about it's one thing but if it is a conversation that is brewing in your head then you need to ask yourself why you didn't keep the conversation going at the time to reach some sort of clarity. Why now?

 

She heard you out? She didn't cut you off, correct?

 

Most likely you're having difficulty processing the feelings involved rather than the words that were said.

 

Can you give an example of what's troubling you?

[Gaeta]

You can talk to us.

[mikeylo]

Maybe it's taking a toll on her ? Do you listen to her repeatedly over the same issue ? It gets draining to listen to the same thing over and over again especially if there is nothing you can change. Yeah, you are stuck in the past.

[hockey17]

i understand your point but she and i have not talked over and over on the same issue. It is months between discussions and when we do discuss it is typically < 15 minutes. thanks for the reply.

[mikeylo]

Maybe you are bringing in too much negativity by discussing the issues? Try to focus more on the positives in your life and spend more time on them. Then bring on the negatives. Might work !

[Redhead14]

I was corporate downsized about 3 years ago and have had quite a road to getting back to a good place in my career which I am well on my way to achieving. It was a very emotional time and during that time I was able to count on my girl for support. She was wonderful.

 

From time to time things have happened that bring me back which makes me angry, sad, etc..... which makes me want to revisit some earlier discussions that she and I had regarding the topic. However, she feels that discussing that topic is not healthy and has already been covered and for that reason will not engage me in a conversation.

 

This is frustrating to me. While she is probably right she does not have the emotional perspective that I do which makes me feel that she does not understand my need. Either way I want to discuss it with her and not someone else but she won't and I feel the need so I am not sure what to do.

 

Any suggestions or perspectives on the topic would be appreciated.

Thanks

 

Partners sometimes begin to feel burdened and struggle with being able to be supportive not because they don't care anymore, they just start to feel helpless in the situation. They can't do anything for you and they want to. When it appears that their support, etc. isn't "doing anything" for their partner, they become frustrated. They feel as though they are helping you beat a dead horse, so to speak. Oftentimes, they realize they simply don't have the "skill set" required to provide guidance or be helpful. In other words, they aren't therapists.

 

The kind of thing you're talking about above, being brought back to certain feelings, is a very mild form of PTSD. They aren't about the here and now and you need to do some self-soothing -- remind yourself that was then and this is now.

[Gaeta]

i understand your point but she and i have not talked over and over on the same issue. It is months between discussions and when we do discuss it is typically < 15 minutes. thanks for the reply.

 

But hon, it doesn't matter, she made it clear she does not want to get into it anymore. You cannot decide for her where are her limits, she decides that.

[hockey17]

i get it.... i mentioned the low frequency brief discussions for the sake of the readers that suggested that I was overwhelming her with stressful conversations.

[strawberryshortstack]

i get it.... i mentioned the low frequency brief discussions for the sake of the readers that suggested that I was overwhelming her with stressful conversations.

 

and everyone's definition of what is overwhelming and what isn't differs. It may not be overwhelming for you, but it could be for her, especially if she has her own issues to handle.

[umirano]

My grandfather fought in the eastern European theater in wwII. He was a POW and came home with a serious heart and lung condition. He was tortured and witnessed horrific war scenes.

 

My grandmother forbade him to talk about it eventually. I'm not saying that was helpful or humane, yet, I can see where she's coming from. 10, 20 years after it happened, we can't expect others to be our counselor on call.

 

Maybe your GF heard the ins and outs of your story and just feels talking about it some more doesn't help but merely perpetuates the problems, instead of moving on to better things. It's a lay off. Millions of people go laid off in the past 5 years around the globe. You're already on an upswing. Give your SO a break. If you still need to talk it out, go for a drink with a buddy. Or pay a therapist.