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Communication is important...


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While I believe that there's differences between the sexes when it comes to communication (i.e. men tend to be more stoic, women prefer verbalization of thoughts/ideas/feelings), I, especially in my current situation believe communication is needed in a RL.

 

I mean, right now, I still don't know what recent dude has said to people; and, the information that's being fed to me is coming from people who aren't looking out for me. So, I'm sad, hurt and confused. I can only wait to see if/when the time comes if he'd be open to talking to me about this (or ever talking to me again) and find out for sure what he did say/feel. I thought we were cool, people are telling me not only is he saying we weren't cool, that he couldn't stand me being around him.

 

Also, he and I probably wouldn't have been in this situation if "assumptions" weren't made about what we "thought" the other person felt/meant. If clear communication would've taken place - then you're not left to assume what's going on.

 

So no, trust me, I'm not like most women. I'm not the one to sit around all day and expect a guy to chat with me like one of my girlfriends would. NO way. But, yes, there still needs to be clear expression of what you want/need so that we don't sit around "assuming" things about each other.

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FYI - Nobody spends their relationships sitting about talking about their relationships. They just get on with life.

 

If he couldn't stand to be around you you would have seen signs of that unless he was faking it and using you.

 

Why are you listening to others when you could talk to him?

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Gloria, you have said many times that you want a part time lover...a man who allows freedom of your time.

 

So you have pursued 'taken' men in order to maintain an emotional and physical distance.

 

This has led to trouble, this trend has been masochistic .

 

I am not sure that I believe you....I understand that you have walls that you do not want to put down...but there is something in your posts that wants intimacy, acceptance and unconditional love.

 

This most current fellow is not someone for you to pursue. He will hurt you and his actions are screaming, stay away. There is no other way to interpret his communication.

This is not about gender.

 

You are so lovely with your bluntness, smarts, sincerity. I hate it when you put yourself through another round of this crap.

 

What do you think?

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Gloria, you have said many times that you want a part time lover...a man who allows freedom of your time.

 

So you have pursued 'taken' men in order to maintain an emotional and physical distance.

 

This has led to trouble, this trend has been masochistic .

 

I am not sure that I believe you....I understand that you have walls that you do not want to put down...but there is something in your posts that wants intimacy, acceptance and unconditional love.

 

This most current fellow is not someone for you to pursue. He will hurt you and his actions are screaming, stay away. There is no other way to interpret his communication.

This is not about gender.

 

You are so lovely with your bluntness, smarts, sincerity. I hate it when you put yourself through another round of this crap.

 

What do you think?

 

**sigh**

 

I hate putting myself through it too.

 

But this guy, I didn't know he had someone. But he confirmed when I asked. I thought I had a chance was cool and friendly - like showing me pics of his family and stuff and he wasn't trying to get sexual with me. He also said that although he was with someone, he'd keep my digits just in case.

 

So, still not sure if that meant he wanted me to be a side piece or he seriously just wanted to be friendly and maybe one day if he was uninvolved, might look me up.

 

I mean, I did try to back off once he told me he was involved - but I thought that guys aren't just "friends" with women unless they had interest....So, I figured maybe he was trying to balance getting to know me on a friendly level without upsetting his current RL, but I was pushing for more; and, his little "bro" got wind of it and pushed him into a corner where he decided to deep six me to preserve his current RL.

 

I sometimes think he didn't mean harm, but I'm gonna chalk it up to young and immature?

 

But I agree with you. I, regardless of meeting a single or involved guy try to keep them at a distance in fear of getting hurt and that confuses some guys I guess. Well, it didn't confuse my over 6 yrs guy. He had me for over six years...so, while I do prefer some distance, I treat my men well - very well. They have no complaints. :)

 

I believe I am open to what "normal" people have - but I just really, really have to find a guy I can trust. And, I really believe the day I meet him, I will be open to being "normal".

 

But thanks for the kind words and concern :):love:

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FYI - Nobody spends their relationships sitting about talking about their relationships. They just get on with life.

 

If he couldn't stand to be around you you would have seen signs of that unless he was faking it and using you.

 

Why are you listening to others when you could talk to him?

 

I don't know for sure what he said and won't speak to him to find out because I was told he wants no contact with me in any form.

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Gloria, something I really like about you is that you just lay yourself out there, full tilt and without malice. Even when I smh, your candor and guilelessness are a rare and beautiful thing. Not many people past thirty put themselves out there with zero agenda the way that you do.

This is an enviable quality.

 

You are also vulnerable for the same reason. A lot of people will run you over like a Mack truck for wearing your heart on your sleeve.

You have probably posted sometime....but I don't know if you have tried counseling regarding your relationship/feelings about your dad and mom.... your childhood and family dynamics as well as your dissonance around mixed ethnicity and the choices you have/are making as a result?

 

My adoptive parents are Irish/Russian and though I am not black/white mixed, my family looks like say Nicole Kidman while I'm more Jessica Alba, to give an idea. It was disorienting when I was younger. I had to find my own ethnic identity because none of the faces in my home were like mine.

 

It may be helpful for you to take a hard look at how these early relationships have affected you.

 

Anyway, for the now, take every guy who is friendly at face value. As being friendly, no more or less. If he has a gf or wife, off the table...period.

 

Only friends, as in...hey, how are ya, how are the kids...etc...

Even if you want to be a mistress for comfort, as you said in another post, no co workers, no neighbors...no one that is too close to home.

 

You should protect your heart Gloria, you are a nurturer by nature, that is a gift that should be bestowed cautiously...it should be earned.

 

Hugs, though you don't want one :p and Good New Year!

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While I believe that there's differences between the sexes when it comes to communication (i.e. men tend to be more stoic, women prefer verbalization of thoughts/ideas/feelings), I, especially in my current situation believe communication is needed in a RL.

 

I mean, right now, I still don't know what recent dude has said to people; and, the information that's being fed to me is coming from people who aren't looking out for me. So, I'm sad, hurt and confused. I can only wait to see if/when the time comes if he'd be open to talking to me about this (or ever talking to me again) and find out for sure what he did say/feel. I thought we were cool, people are telling me not only is he saying we weren't cool, that he couldn't stand me being around him.

 

Also, he and I probably wouldn't have been in this situation if "assumptions" weren't made about what we "thought" the other person felt/meant. If clear communication would've taken place - then you're not left to assume what's going on.

 

So no, trust me, I'm not like most women. I'm not the one to sit around all day and expect a guy to chat with me like one of my girlfriends would. NO way. But, yes, there still needs to be clear expression of what you want/need so that we don't sit around "assuming" things about each other.

 

Yeah not my experience. In the work place, especially with male executives, some of the most gossiping, opinionated, complaining, every thought that crosses their mind, people.

 

In a relationship, it depends on how it's being approached and the people involved. I know that I drive, both men and women in my life, crazy because I am big on discussing lines of logic. Why did you do/think, etc. and walking through the steps. It resonates with some people of both genders and drives others bonkers.

 

I am not an overly emotional/demonstrative person but I am very logical and very focused on fairness. So I will deep dive the crap out of something if it rings either bell.

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