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Sex and Cohabitation vs No Sex and Non Cohabitation before Marriage


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Just letting you know I had to break this down a bit. So I can't simply just ask a question and expect a quick answer so my break down is long.

 

I was on line and looking at Ytube vids. Do you think there is more longevity between not having sex/non- Co-habing vs Sex/Co-habing?

 

They always keep saying that lowering divorce the best way is not to have sex/don't Co-hab together.

 

Whats your real life take on that. Here is mine.

 

The K's met in 1998. They did not have sex or live together. They married in 2000. They have two kids born in 2003/2005. They are rock solid. Even if they get on each others nerves in a playful humours way. No way are they going to spit.

 

Same with the P's. Although I don't see them much.

 

The O's. I am sure they had sex before marriage, but they were living with their individual parents before they got married. They are still together.

 

The J's met in 2000. lived together and go married in 2010. Bitterly they are separated until they get officially divorced. Who knows when that is going to happen.

 

The D's. Met in 2003. Mr. D moved Mrs. D who was still separated, into his house in 2004. She got her divorce and they married Nov of 2004. Has two kids. 2005/2007. Mrs. D said she wanted out in early 2008. Mr.D is non confrontational. Reluctantly agreed to the Divorce. Mrs. D had another relationship right away. Had kids with the new guy in 2009. Then broke up with him. She is currenlty on guy # 5 from my friend Mr.D.

 

The C's. Met online. Dated. he moved her into his condo. I can't remember but at the most. They were living together/obvious sex for a yr or two before they got married. They are both each others first marriage. They have a girl that is 3. They seem rock solid.

 

 

So what do you think? When I look at the couples and what works is this. #1. No Sex/No living together before Marriage. Then Sex but no living together before marriage. That seems to work the best. If I live together and have sex before marriage. The relationship may not last.

 

It seems to me like its the living together before marriage that seems to ruin

everything for the most part. More than the Sex.

 

My take for me is no Living together unless its a month or two before the marriage. She can live with mom/dad/siblings before that happens. Sex before marriage. I am on the fence about. I am a very affectionate guy. So I don't know if I can hold off. I guess I would be dillignet about protection before any pregnancy occurs.

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My own experience - and opinion based on reading and research - is that it is better to have sex and cohabit before marriage, than not. I'd rather know as much as possible about each other before making the decision to marry - or, not marry based on that information.

 

The only time when it may be better to NOT do these things is if both are virgins, so that neither knows any better about sexual compatibility and hasn't formed expectations. In that case they make of it what they can. (I don't think this is necessarily a good thing, but it could work.)

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Being an old fart I've seen the gamut and have no real patterns to report. Perhaps there was a skew when younger due to a large portion of my social circle being hard-core Catholics but the young ones (my generation) didn't follow all the rules regarding sex/marriage/procreation like the indoctrination went.

 

Best example of everything going 'wrong' but working out well? My exW's sister...pregnant at 16, married her BF underage (both were) and they'll be in about 40 now. Still married AFAIK with a number of grandkids and, at least while we were married, they were a solid team, faced a lot of stuff together in life. Respect.

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Women are the gatekeepers of sex for the most part.

 

A couples religious factors could come into play. I think the smoother each persons background is. The better things will be. My friend is living with his GF and is expecting kid # 2 in 2017 with her. She is still legally married to her ex. He is not the beloved Step parent to her son, and she has a daughter by her ex as well. So they had sex and lived together before marriage. She is having a hard time getting divorced. I see rough waters for them. Everytime I see him at the house. He comes off as stressed.

 

My other buddy K. Met/dated/engaged to his wife in a 2 yrs cycle. No Sex until Marriage or living together. They seem less stressed and everything seems to their way 90% of the time.

 

 

I think for me it will be Sex before marriage without pregnancy. No living together before marriage. I want her to always know that we are having a meaningful relationship. Not just shacking up.

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Off course there are couples who lived together before marriage who then went on to having long happy marriages, and of course there are couples who never lived together who got married only to have an unhappy marriage and bitter divorce. However, I have heard that studies have shown that couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples who do not.

 

I have not personally seen those statistics or studies so take it with a grain of salt. The reasoning seems to be that couples who live together before marriage often did so because they sort of want to try out the other person before they commit. They want to ensure that their needs will be met and if they are not they want to be able to leave without a messy divorce. After they marry they still remain intently focussed on their own needs and own happiness and are therefore more willing to end a marriage that isn't making them happy.

 

Another possibility given for higher divorce rates among people that cohabitate before marriage is that they don't place the same value on marriage that people who refuse to cohabitate place on marriage. People who don't live together before marriage often have strict moral standards and religious beliefs that dictate how they should live and behave. They don't believe in divorce either usually and therefore they are more likely to stay married even if the marriage becomes unhappy.

 

That's just some of what I have read. I personally have mixed feelings. I have never been married. I have had three long term relationships that included living together. It was hard to end those relationships however not as hard as it would have been had we been married. I think had I been married to any one of my long term partners I probably would have been more inclined to try harder to make it work. On the other hand when I look back on those relationships I'm glad they ended and that I never married any of my partners.

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Personally, I followed the no sex outside of a committed and exclusive relationship and no cohabiting before marriage and it made dating exceedingly difficult in my demographic. Basically women looked at me like I was nuts. I finally had to back off the relationship-sex part to substantial dating and exclusive for a couple months. Otherwise, well, there were plenty of other guys they could be with who gave them what they wanted. Tons :D

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I am always looking for the best scenario. Not so much what Society wants.

 

For me. I would want a woman that is single/childless. We have sleepovers. No living together. Get engaged and Married in year three if we are strong and steady.

 

As I said before. The more smoother and clear headed one is. The better the relationship will be.

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I think that it's probably much better to have no sex and not cohabitate before marriage, but I have not done that. I haven't live with a man before marriage and never will, but I have had sex before marriage. I don't think I'm strong enough to not have sex before marriage, but I'm not surprised that it along with not cohabitating leads to greater success.

 

I think it's pretty hard to find traditional people like this who are willing to not do both (not to mention be attracted to them) outside of the church.

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No way would I not have sex with someone before marriage. Too much risk of being sexually incompatible. I didn't sleep with my ex until we'd agreed an exclusive relationship, and the sex turned out to be horrendous. In nearly three years together I never managed to improve it as he was simply selfish in bed. Not interested in learning what worked for me. We split up thankfully but man, if I'd committed to marrying him before discovering this, what a life I'd have signed myself up to.

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I personally believe you gotta sex and cohab before marriage but I'm not a religious person. If you are a person who believes strongly in certain codes of conduct and you have a partner with the same belief system, stick to that and hope for the best. In the end, regardless of how relationships begin, it's all the same once you get married. You need to be intimate and you need to communicate well.

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Only one marriage here but, though I was a bit concerned about the cohabitation thing, I didn't find any marked differences going from a couple years of dating and intimacy to living together as marrieds. ExW didn't express any issues either, even later in MC when we were otherwise scrutinizing each other. That part was no issue. However, we were older when we got married so maybe that was in play. Life experience. We were also medium distance so did extended 'living in' during the majority of the pre-marital time.

 

At my age, if ever dating again, I'd be fine with the lady keeping her own domicile and privacy and me likewise. Before it was mostly the family thing, getting married and having kids. That part of life is over.

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I wonder if the numbers are murky when it comes to the Cohabs vs Marriage.

 

Is life really paint by the numbers. Co-habs vs Non Cohabs going into marriage.

 

Do all I have to really do is not have sex/not live with my GF for at least 2 yrs. Marry her in year three. Will I have sex on tap and will we be reasoably well off in our relationship within a Marriage and non of us want out.

 

VS. Say my brother. Who would have had sex/live his GF after a yr of dating. So by year 4 they get married, but are doomed.

 

Usually someone in the relationship has the power and gets the other one to go along with what they want.

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The 'best' thing to do is whatever the individual couple feels is best for them.

 

[]Honestly, if you don't want to have sex or live together before marriage, then don't. If you do, then do. Or anything in between. You don't have to justify your choices to anyone.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I dated my ex-h for 3 years before marrying him. We did not live together before marriage. He was a nice boyfriend and he gave me no worries. We saw each other on weekends, summer vacations and holidays.

 

After 3 years of this we married and moved in together. Before our first wedding anniversary he started abusing me physically, emotionally and financially. I am sure if we had moved in together before marriage I would have seen this side of him.

 

I will never support the no-sex and no-cohabitation before marriage. Never. Your life isn't something you should gamble with. You need to know if you are sexually compatible and if you can actually endure each other under the same roof.

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I recently almost considered the moving in thing cuz gf of sis-in-law was doing it and while I'm the odd ball that just does my own thing and isn't susceptible to following the crowd, I was starting to feel "old fashioned" views were going to leave me in the dust dating wise (I guess kinda like carhill was alluding to, being passed over by women who wanted to move in ASAP).

 

Well, I'm reporting that they didn't even last a few months. Seems like he moved in with her for all the reasons I'm not cool with it (just wanting someone to pay half/all his bills/rent); and, while she thought it was natural "progression" in the RL, he still considered himself a "single" guy - who started to go out without her and upon their breakup, already had a new woman.

 

So, while some people say you need to so it to see what it's like to live with that person before considering marriage - I don't agree. It's not the same mentality until you put that wedding ring on - regardless if you were already living together or not. I hate using celebrity examples, but look at Angelina and Brad. She said it was "different" once they actually got married - and mind you, he and she have been living together for years and even had kids together; yet, once they officially tied the knot, it didn't even last a year or so. Why? Cuz when you actually "marry" you are taking the RL to a different level and some people want the perks of having someone around (i.e. shared bills, companionship - kids even), but want one foot outside the door.

 

I mean another example of wanting to keep one foot outside the door by living together is where the woman was the one putting off the marriage cuz while living together, she was already getting all the things you'd have in a marriage (her bills were getting paid). She literally was a "single" person. She hung out with friends, was going to school - all without having to get married so no wonder why she put off marriage. Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free? Plus, she also wanted one foot outside of the door - because she only put out terrible sex for her live-in bf when he got upset about her treatment of him, in other words, she wanted to keep her options open.

 

Also, besides using the person you're living with cuz you want uncommitted companionship and bills paid - of the couples that are actually into each other, when you move in and eventually marry, there's no newness - no carrying your wife over the threshold into your new home. Why? Cuz you already were living together. I do believe we appreciate things better when we treat it as special. When you already move in, there's nothing special once you marry.

Edited by Gloria25
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If you let a man move in with you and turns out he just wanted a room-mate to help with the bills than you just end it and show him the door.

 

You have much more to lose by marrying someone without fully knowing him. Marriage is serious business and divorces are expensive and emotionally draining.

 

I'd much prefer kicking a boyfriend out after 6 months than going through a divorce after 6 months.

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I don't think it's a magic formula.

 

People who have no sex/no living together before marriage tend to be religious. As such, they also tend to not believe divorce is a suitable ending to their relationship. So no matter how terrible their marriage is, they are not likely to split.

 

On the other hand, people who do have sex and live together before they get married, tend to be more liberal and not just stay with a relationship "just because". So if things go south, they get out of there.

 

In reality, it probably has a lot less to do with the waiting making relationships stronger, but the people who DO wait tend to be wired to not give up, no matter how bad it all is.

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Each person defines their marriage like they do family/friends.

 

What is a good marriage or bad. To me a good marriage is a when you have good feelings about your spouse beyond romance and sex.

 

A Bad Marriage is just a Divorce waiting to happen. You can't stand being with them at all. Don't miss them when they are gone for a long time on a business trip/solo vacation.

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