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Husband critical, controlling, miserable


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My husband and I have been married for 3+ years. We have two children under 3 and he has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10.

After we got married my husband became a chronic complainer. The minutes he wakes up or gets home from work he is complaining about everything from how he feels, to what I have or haven't done. I am a stay at home mom. I take 100% care of my two kids alone as well as my house. My youngest still wakes up multiple times a night. My oldest is 2.5. Between feeding them, changing diapers, doing naps, managing tantrums, doing laundry, dishes, and basic cleaning my days are jam packed.

 

My husband walks in the door after work and immediately starts complaining. I try to keep a clean house but it's rarely perfect. No matter how clean it is he complains. This is the same man who can't bring his plate or cups to the kitchen and who walks all over the house with dirty shoes on. He complains about anything. Yesterday the house was pretty clean so he complained about two water bottles on the counter.

I cook a hot meal at least 6 nights a week. I try to make things he likes the way he likes them but he criticized every single meal. He never says thank you or that he likes anything. I'm a decent cook. I've cooked for many people in my life and never had anyone complain like this. I've tried to get his input when I plan meals but he usually refuses to help. And what he wants changes. I once made a chicken stew without potatoes or pasta, just chicken and vegetables. He complained about that. So Last night I made a stew and when I tried to add pasta he flipped out about the carbs. I make everything from scratch because he complains of I make anything out of a box ever bc it's unhealthy. If I make things very healthy he complains they are bland or boring. There's many things I'm not allowed to make any more.

 

I'll try to wrap this up. He also doesn't help with the kids. He won't be alone with them almost ever. He yells at me all the time for things that aren't my fault, including most recently while we had people over for Christmas. He's very hard on our 2 year old. He looses his temper with him a lot. Screams at him. Last night he told him that he, 2 year old, was the reason he was so miserable because he was throwing a tantrum. We've talked about these things until neither of us can take it anymore but nothing changes. I can't figure out how to cope and accept it. There's so much more but I'll leave it there for now.

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You are already raising those kids alone so why bother with putting up with his sorry arse. Get an appointment with a lawyer and inquire on filing for divorce and get him out of the house.

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There's no excuse for his behaviour.

 

Divorce him and get yourself out of this miserable existence.

 

See a lawyer and file.

 

He won't change.

 

 

Take care.

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You are already raising those kids alone so why bother with putting up with his sorry arse. Get an appointment with a lawyer and inquire on filing for divorce and get him out of the house.

 

Well the house in his name. But he's going to loose it when he has to start paying child support. If I asked him to leave he wouldn't though, I'd have to leave.

I had a career before forfeit my license to stay home. It's difficult to stay with a friend or family member when I have two kids. But I have no $. I have my own account but it's empty. I want to insist on marriage counseling. I really want this to work but it's not looking good.

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As a married person, it doesn't matter if the house is in his name.

Get legal advice.

I guess, unless you live in a place where woman's rights are poor, then you are most likely entitled to half, whoever is on the title.

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I do realize we are fast approaching the end of things don't change. I can't raise my kids like this, and I can't take much more.

 

I do love my husband though and would really rather stay together. I realize to some degree he is who he is, but is there anything I can do?

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He's an emotional abuser. I lived with one for 8 years, and I was broken afterwards.

 

 

Don't let this happen to you and your kids.

 

It started to cripple me but eventually I was able to realized it wasn't my fault. I kept trying todo better but nothing ever changed. I know it's not me. I've tried being the change and being sweet even where

He's an ass. I've tried fighting back. I've asked him repeatedly if he wants to be married to me and why he can't even be nice to me. I've never met anyone like him so I did not recognize these things before we were married. At first he knew these were issues and he was he genuinely trying to work on it. There were some things that I almost left him over that he stopped doing and never started again. I felt like as long as he was trying we'd be fine. But that seems to have stopped.

Whenever I try to look up how to handle stuff like this the word "narcissist" comes up a lot. He truly thinks our son is to blame for the way he acts.

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I do realize we are fast approaching the end of things don't change. I can't raise my kids like this, and I can't take much more.

 

I do love my husband though and would really rather stay together. I realize to some degree he is who he is, but is there anything I can do?

 

No, there is nothing you can do. Save yourself years of misery. I thought I could change my ex-husband and remained in an unhappy marriage for 15 years, all of my best years. I should have gone out earlier and find myself a good man instead.

 

Like elaine said, you are married it doesn't matter the house is under his name. Go meet a lawyer and make sure you know your right. Here a judge will never kick a mother out with 2 small kids. The house will be put at her disposal to raise the kids and it will part of the ex-husband alimony to her.

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No, there is nothing you can do. Save yourself years of misery. I thought I could change my ex-husband and remained in an unhappy marriage for 15 years, all of my best years. I should have gone out earlier and find myself a good man instead.

 

Like elaine said, you are married it doesn't matter the house is under his name. Go meet a lawyer and make sure you know your right. Here a judge will never kick a mother out with 2 small kids. The house will be put at her disposal to raise the kids and it will part of the ex-husband alimony to her.

 

I guess I should talk to a lawyer to at least find out my options. At least then I'll know what to do if I make the decision to end things.

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He truly thinks our son is to blame for the way he acts.

YOU can't allow him to ruin your son's life and his mental health, which is exactly what he is doing. Your job as his mother is to protect your son from harm.

If you can't do it for you, then do it for your son.

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GunslingerRoland

Why do you want to cope and except this? He isn't parenting your kids right now, all he's doing is yelling at all of you.

 

Does he ever watch the kids? Is the house spotless when he does it? Ask for a day to do some stuff, and then ask him out it was, it might give him some perspective.

 

I have to ask, why he agreed to have kids in the first place... I mean he already had one, he had to know what to expect?

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Why do you want to cope and except this? He isn't parenting your kids right now, all he's doing is yelling at all of you.

 

Does he ever watch the kids? Is the house spotless when he does it? Ask for a day to do some stuff, and then ask him out it was, it might give him some perspective.

 

I have to ask, why he agreed to have kids in the first place... I mean he already had one, he had to know what to expect?

 

He very rarely watches the kids. He will usually only watch one. Honestly he sits on his ass telling me what to do a lot, like "he needs a diaper, he needs this"etc. Sometimes he helps clean in the weekends. I would have to have his mom come help him if I wanted to spend the day out or even a few hours. The little one is breastfed but I'm trying to get him onto food desperately. I also worry about leaving him alone with the kids all day. If my toddler throws a fit he can't handle it. I don't want him screaming at him.

I don't know why he had kids. He seemed like a great Dad to his daughter. ODS is a more difficult child, very strong willed. But even normal stuff like getting up at night he could never do. His mom confirms that my stepdad was very easy and I believe it based on her personality now, but still you think he'd be able to handle this stuff or at least accept it once he realized how different ODS is.

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YOU can't allow him to ruin your son's life and his mental health, which is exactly what he is doing. Your job as his mother is to protect your son from harm.

If you can't do it for you, then do it for your son.

 

I know this is the part that haunts me. I think I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor for myself. I think I'm maybe a little more broken than I realize. I just don't want to let go but I know I cannot let my son suffer like this and I already see the affects on him.

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GunslingerRoland

I don't know, even if he gets counselling for the temper issues, I don't know how you can live in a family situation where one parent refuses to actually parent the children. That is very dysfunctional for the kids.

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I think a big part of my hang up is that I've already been divorced once. I got married very young to a man who quickly became an alcoholic. He was a good guy when we got married but he became abusive and eventually I had to get out.

 

I never really wanted to get married again but then I met my current husband. And now I'm terrified of getting divorced again. I don't know what's wrong with me. Do I ruin men or just pick wrong ones? I will seriously never date again or get married again if this fails bc I seriously can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me to not even be 30 and contemplating my 2nd divorce? I never thought of myself as a weak woman. I don't understand how I get myself into these messes. And now this time there's kids involved. It was hard enough to get over my last failed marriage and Now I have to worry about the impact of everyone including my poor stepdaughter who has literally never witnessed a healthy relationship. I'm worried about the impact of this on her.

 

I don't take marriage lightly. I mean forever. But sometimes I feel like he tricked me. How did none of this surface before? In retrospect there were signs but I doubt anyone could have recognized them. He was so loving and sweet.

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I don't take marriage lightly. I mean forever. But sometimes I feel like he tricked me. How did none of this surface before? In retrospect there were signs but I doubt anyone could have recognized them. He was so loving and sweet.

 

I dated my ex-H for 3 years before marrying him. He was a wonderful boyfriend and never did anything bad toward me. Then we got married and even before we get to our 1st wedding anniversary he hit me in the face with his fist.

 

I never ever saw it coming. For 3 years there was NO clue at all that he'd be abusive.

 

Don't spend too much time on the why, it's counter productive. You are in a miserable situation and it needs to end.

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thefooloftheyear

The problem with these threads is that you never get the other side of the story....

 

Unless he's a sociopath, its unlikely he just decided to become a monster overnight.....Something is bothering him to act out..You did say he was "so loving and sweet"...so what was the trigger for the 180?

 

What is your sex life like?...Is it possible that he is overwhelmed by the bills and trying to make it on one salary?? Did you gain weight after having the kids??

 

He technically shouldn't be abusive, but did you ever try to understand what is really going on in his head??

 

Understand, I am not being critical, and am understanding, just perhaps there are some things that should be considered when trying to figure all of this out....

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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I don't know, TFY....my ex-husband was nice when he was getting me to fall for him, and he was nice to his more recent ex-wife when he was getting her to fall for him too.

 

He's working on his next wife now so he blocked our kids from Facebook so they don't blow it for him.

 

He doesn't even know that our son switched schools or what college he attends now and he just completed a whole semester.

 

A man who blames his two-year old child for all his problems in life is no man at all. Wouldn't you agree?

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This is effecting your children now - you have to leave or get him out. He will never change, miserable people stay miserable. Tried for 5 years to get my ex husband to see the positive side of life, it is pointless.

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thefooloftheyear
I don't know, TFY....my ex-husband was nice when he was getting me to fall for him, and he was nice to his more recent ex-wife when he was getting her to fall for him too.

 

He's working on his next wife now so he blocked our kids from Facebook so they don't blow it for him.

 

He doesn't even know that our son switched schools or what college he attends now and he just completed a whole semester.

 

A man who blames his two-year old child for all his problems in life is no man at all. Wouldn't you agree?

 

 

Sure....anything is possible....Your ex does sound like a POS...

 

 

I dunno...I just think many guys sometimes suffer in silence...They aren't meant to show real emotion, or if they can't handle something, its seen as weakness, so they internalize it and it festers...so they lash out..

 

Women have historically have great support networks when problems arise....They can reach out to anyone about anything without being judged..With guys its not that simple...

 

Anyway, I hope the OP gets it worked out...I hate kids to be subjected to this crap, especially at an early age..

 

TFY

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But he's not a little baby; he's a big boy. Big boys don't throw fits if mommies don't use their magic mind-reading powers to figure out exactly what's going on in his head. Big boys have a responsibility to communicate and not take it their frustrations from their own shortcomings on their wives and children. That's not a man, that's a pouty little kid that never grew up. So OP, I guess you have to decide if you want to continue raising your "fourth" child.

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The problem with these threads is that you never get the other side of the story....

 

Unless he's a sociopath, its unlikely he just decided to become a monster overnight.....Something is bothering him to act out..You did say he was "so loving and sweet"...so what was the trigger for the 180?

 

All abusers are sweet and wonderful at first, it's part of their game. My ex-H did the same with his 2nd wife, he swept her off of her feet for a couple of years but once she was under his roof he became controlling and abusive.

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He maintains that his issue is our son. I think he has a serious depression problem and he suffers from anxiety. I now know his father is like this as well. Most of these issues did start after our son was born. He also works a lot. That's why I don't really mind as much that he doesn't help with the kids our house. He works 50+ hours a week to keep us above water. I've offered to get a job in the evenings but he doesn't want that. We both do as much as we physically can. The difference is, I don't expect too much out of him beyond work because he's burnt out. I'm also burnt out but he still expects way more out of me than I can physically do.

 

Our sex life is the healthiest part of our marriage. I have put on some weight naturally but I've also lost a lot of it recently since being diagnosed and treated for an autoimmune disease which was to blame for my inability to loose weight. Now that I'm on medication it's become possible to loose weight. He has put on weight as well, again nothing crazy. His own weight gain is a bigger issue for him than mine.

 

We need to get past him thinking ODS is the issue. He has agreed to counseling. It's expensive though so I'm hoping they can work with us and our limited appointments. If he can't see his responsibility here than we won't get anywhere and that will be it. I hope and pray that he does. There are many redeeming qualities about him.

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thefooloftheyear
He maintains that his issue is our son. I think he has a serious depression problem and he suffers from anxiety. I now know his father is like this as well. Most of these issues did start after our son was born. He also works a lot. That's why I don't really mind as much that he doesn't help with the kids our house. He works 50+ hours a week to keep us above water. I've offered to get a job in the evenings but he doesn't want that. We both do as much as we physically can. The difference is, I don't expect too much out of him beyond work because he's burnt out. I'm also burnt out but he still expects way more out of me than I can physically do.

 

Our sex life is the healthiest part of our marriage. I have put on some weight naturally but I've also lost a lot of it recently since being diagnosed and treated for an autoimmune disease which was to blame for my inability to loose weight. Now that I'm on medication it's become possible to loose weight. He has put on weight as well, again nothing crazy. His own weight gain is a bigger issue for him than mine.

 

We need to get past him thinking ODS is the issue. He has agreed to counseling. It's expensive though so I'm hoping they can work with us and our limited appointments. If he can't see his responsibility here than we won't get anywhere and that will be it. I hope and pray that he does. There are many redeeming qualities about him.

 

 

That's good...

 

Try not to let money get in the way of trying to fix this...Hopefully you can work it out for you and the kids...

 

TFY

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