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Over used terms "Best friends" and "Soul Mate"


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There are some pretty smart and intuitive people that post on LS so I thought I would ask. I don't know if the description used 'Best Friends' and 'Soul Mate' is overused or misused. I can say it's a pet peeve to my ears. In the context of relationship threads speaking of divorce, adultery, constant arguing ect then it's described they are best friends or soul mates.

 

I'm simple because that doesn't make sense to me at all. In my first marriage there was constant arguing, adultery and a divorce, we were not best friends. We were not soul mates. But yet you hear people experiencing those exact things things pop those words out. What am I missing?

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All my friends are my best friend.

 

No favourites.

 

The idea of 'soulmates' is too silly a concept for me to subscribe to.

 

Some ditch the idea after they've had half a dozen :laugh:

 

But each to their own.

 

 

Take care.

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There's not much to substantiate the existence of a soul. It follows that soulmate thus can't be a thing either. It's likely we're only fed an illusion (by our brain) of a true self (soul, free will, etc).

 

I've used the term though, at a time when I haven't deeply thought about the term. I referred to a partner this way that I felt a particularly close connection with, so close like never before or after. In practice it's fair to use it, I'd say, but like with everything, using words carelessly quickly rids them of any meaning.

 

I don't think I'll use this expression again on a person close to me.

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'soul mate' is an expression that should disappear from someone's vocabulary passed the age of 20. I don't know where it's from but it's probably from some fairy tale literature.

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All I know is you can love someone madly, or feel like they're your best friend or your soulmate, and it still doesn't necessarily mean you can live with them.

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DrReplyInRhymes
All I know is you can love someone madly, or feel like they're your best friend or your soulmate, and it still doesn't necessarily mean you can live with them.

 

If you can't live with them, is it really love? Or infatuation?

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A big part of 'falling in love,' is a temporary collapsing of boundaries.

 

"OMG! I'm you, and you are me! We are the same! We are ONE!"

 

But after a while the boundaries go back up (as they are meant to), and you realise that you are each a whole person, needing to do a good job of getting along together.

 

Then begins the slow discipline of love :)

 

Its all good.

 

 

Take care.

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There are some pretty smart and intuitive people that post on LS so I thought I would ask. I don't know if the description used 'Best Friends' and 'Soul Mate' is overused or misused. I can say it's a pet peeve to my ears. In the context of relationship threads speaking of divorce, adultery, constant arguing ect then it's described they are best friends or soul mates.

 

I'm simple because that doesn't make sense to me at all. In my first marriage there was constant arguing, adultery and a divorce, we were not best friends. We were not soul mates. But yet you hear people experiencing those exact things things pop those words out. What am I missing?

 

My husband and I are best friends ( I don't buy into that soul mates nonsense), and have been for the almost 20 years that we have been married.That didn't just happen. It took a lot of patience and kindness on both our parts.

I think that for us, his being away as much as he is has actually been helpful. Every time he comes home, we get to know each other all over again. We have lots of stories to tell, and they almost always conclude with " I wish you had been there"

Do we argue and fight? You bet your sweet bippy we do, but it's not constant and we usually make up really quickly. We have difference of opinion, which is only to be expected as we are two different people, even though we act as one.

 

It's just my observation, but too many people get married because they are in limmerance, not love. The first few hard times or disagreements, and the relationship crumbles.

 

Then you get the people who are "in love", but really aren't friends. There is nothing to hold on to during the bad times. When those hit ( and they can and do) if all you have is romance, the relationship can easily falter and die. There needs to be a blend of both.

 

I trust my spouse more than anyone else in the world, baring myself. He is an awesome husband, a great dad and we have so much fun together. I could live my life without him in it, but I don't want to. He makes me too happy:)

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If you can't live with them, is it really love? Or infatuation?

 

It's love. On a spiritual level, you love this person. On a domestic level, you're not a good match for that because of any number of reasons. They can even be good reasons, like both people are strong and on their own path and just feel that comes before domestic bliss. Or one wants kids, one doesn't. Or one's an addict. Or one has rage issues.

 

The most common are:

One likes a neat house and the other is a slob.

One's financial habits are at odds.

They can't agree on child-rearing.

 

Bet your butt those last three are the main reasons most unions break up.

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DrReplyInRhymes

Wouldn't you agree that those issues can be addressed very easily for someone you love?

 

Can't have children? Adopt.

One is slobby and the other is clean? Hire a maid.

Someone's financial habits suck? Have the other manage finances.

Someone needs attention constantly? Validate them.

Partner* wants to sleep around? Swinging.

 

Seems like excuses to argue rather than finding a solution.

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Rhymes - "very easily"? No. Even if you love someone, if daily life, future plans, basic compatibility is lacking, constant and extreme compromises are not going to lead to lasting happiness.

 

If one wants children, and the other wants none - what is the very easy compromise on that?

 

If one likes to spend freely and live lavishly, and the other wants to save every penny, what is the easy compromise?

 

If one needs a neat and orderly home to feel comfortable, and the other prefers a bit of chaos, who compromises? Does one clean up every day even though they hate it, or does the other grind their teeth and put up with the mess when they get home every day?

 

Compatibility leads to a life of harmony and less necessity for compromise - both can have what they want, because they want the same thing.

 

My husband is my best friend. He has been since soon after we met. There is no one I rather talk to, share my experiences with, enjoy a day with, he's my best friend, and the most compatible with me than anyone I have ever met, including my best "girlfriend".

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Oh, and another point. When you love someone, you don't want them making all sorts of compromises and sacrifices for you.

 

I don't want kids. It's something I really can't bend on. But if I loved someone that really wanted kids - how could I rob them of that?

 

If one partner wants to sleep around, and the other doesn't want that life style and is deeply hurt by sharing, how could you be so selfish to ask someone you love to do that knowing that it is hurtful to them?

 

If spending money on travel makes one happy, but makes the other sick with stress - who wins? Marking your loved one sick with stress, or denying a loved one something that brings them great joy?

 

Does the importance of compatibility make a bit more sense now?

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I feel bad for anybody who doesn't know what having a soul mate is like.

 

To be that connected to another human being is something I think we should all get to experience at least once in this lifetime.

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I feel bad for anybody who doesn't know what having a soul mate is like.

 

To be that connected to another human being is something I think we should all get to experience at least once in this lifetime.

 

I met a man like that once. He turned out to be extremely abusive. I don't see the benefit in that.

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Rhymes - "very easily"? No. Even if you love someone, if daily life, future plans, basic compatibility is lacking, constant and extreme compromises are not going to lead to lasting happiness.

 

If one wants children, and the other wants none - what is the very easy compromise on that?

 

If one likes to spend freely and live lavishly, and the other wants to save every penny, what is the easy compromise?

 

If one needs a neat and orderly home to feel comfortable, and the other prefers a bit of chaos, who compromises? Does one clean up every day even though they hate it, or does the other grind their teeth and put up with the mess when they get home every day?

 

Compatibility leads to a life of harmony and less necessity for compromise - both can have what they want, because they want the same thing.

 

My husband is my best friend. He has been since soon after we met. There is no one I rather talk to, share my experiences with, enjoy a day with, he's my best friend, and the most compatible with me than anyone I have ever met, including my best "girlfriend".

 

I will never understand why some feel that a happy marriage can exist without both friendship and love.

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I don't believe in soul mates, but I can live with the term if the writer is someone who's in a loving, supportive and very long term relationship. Someone who's relationship is happy and content. Like if it's said at your 50's anniversary speech.

 

But when it's someone who's sobbing over a lost soul mate, I do a little vomit in my mouth. If they were your soul mate, you wouldn't be broken up.

 

Best friend? I have found that many best friends come and go in our lives. One or two may be forever friends, but I don't think it's the norm.

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I met a man like that once. He turned out to be extremely abusive. I don't see the benefit in that.

 

You met a man like what once? Someone you felt connected to on a cosmic level?

 

Then it begs to question....why did you attract such a man?

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Wouldn't you agree that those issues can be addressed very easily for someone you love?

 

Can't have children? Adopt.

One is slobby and the other is clean? Hire a maid.

Someone's financial habits suck? Have the other manage finances.

Someone needs attention constantly? Validate them.

Partner* wants to sleep around? Swinging.

 

Seems like excuses to argue rather than finding a solution.

 

People divorce for these reasons and the first one... the medieval church would allow annulment as if the marriage never happened in case of infertility.

 

People just don't want to work at it anymore. 95% of the time as soon as the sexual chemistry is gone ... or if the relationship just becomes inconvenient "best friend" is persona no grata.

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The soul mate idea is rubbish. Being best friends is not. The one thing that always perplexed me about dating when young is how people would treat the status of friend as someone who is not a candidate for life partner and lover. If you love someone and live with them you will.

 

Go to sleep in the same bed.

 

Share the same home.

 

Share the same finances.

 

Swap DNA and bodily fluids creating children and possibly spreading infections.

 

ETC.

 

IF you do all of that with someone and they aren't your BEST friend (at least at the time) then you are setting yourself up for a world of pain.

 

That said. A marriage failing does not mean the people in it weren't best friends. It just means that even as deep as the friendship was it wasn't enough.

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Soul mates don't exist. It's what we tell ourselves (i.e. a delusion) in the early stages of a relationship with a lot of attraction.

 

Best friends on the other hand; that's what epic marriages are made of!

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You met a man like what once? Someone you felt connected to on a cosmic level?

 

Then it begs to question....why did you attract such a man?

 

It's simple. I was a 17 year old kid who didn't know any better. At first, he was sweet, kind and loving, and I felt like we were connected. As time went on, his true side came out. He became verbally and then physically abusive.

 

"Soul mates" is what a teenage kid believes. An adult realizes that those initial feelings aren't enough to build a rleationship on, and in the end, they are meaningless if that's all there really is.

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Wouldn't you agree that those issues can be addressed very easily for someone you love?

 

Can't have children? Adopt.

I don't think it's can't when a problem arises, but doesn't want.

 

One is slobby and the other is clean? Hire a maid.

May conflict with the frugality of one partner.

 

Someone's financial habits suck? Have the other manage finances.

 

Doesn't deal with compulsive spenders / shopaholics.

 

Someone needs attention constantly? Validate them.

Feeds into their bad habit and likely will make it worse.

 

Partner* wants to sleep around? Swinging.

Another non-solution.

 

Seems like excuses to argue rather than finding a solution.

 

Your solutions don't suggest you ever seriously considered these conflicts, or a partner's specific needs.

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Best friends on the other hand; that's what epic marriages are made of!

 

I agree with that so very much. I'm mid 50's now and it's something I haven't seen in life all that very much, a couple that is friends to the core.

I am not speaking of the young couples that are experiencing infatuation thinking it's love that is here today gone tomorrow.

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DrReplyInRhymes
I don't think it's can't when a problem arises, but doesn't want.

 

If the issues don't want to be addressed, or worked on, how is that love? No point in addressing issues for a relationship if there isn't a relationship.

 

 

May conflict with the frugality of one partner.

 

Take turns on cleaning days instead of hiring a maid.

 

 

 

Doesn't deal with compulsive spenders / shopaholics.

 

Use a preloaded gift card with a determined allowance.

 

 

Feeds into their bad habit and likely will make it worse.

 

Put limits to the validation, or set times aside, like writing a daily note or poem about how much you adore them.

 

 

Another non-solution.

Arguable.

 

Your solutions don't suggest you ever seriously considered these conflicts, or a partner's specific needs.

 

You're right, my solutions can be picked apart very easily by someone who simply doesn't have a solution in mind, but rather, an argument.

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You're right, my solutions can be picked apart very easily by someone who simply doesn't have a solution in mind, but rather, an argument.

 

Or by a partner who doesn't see an issue and is unwilling to have change forced upon them.

 

*my housekeeping is not an issue. It's *you* who is pedantic. I am not OK with spending money so that you can have not a bit of dust anywhere.

 

*my spending is not an issue. I make good money and will spend it how I please. I will not stick to your predetermined ideas of how much to spend.

 

*The amount of reassurance you need is unhealthy and I am unwilling to enable you. Get some therapy

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