I want my ex back but don't know how or if I should try to get her back

[calebsheets11]

My ex girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. We started dating when I was 17 and she was 15. I am now 22 and she is 19. About 6 months ago she started to act very distantly towards and it gradually got worse as time went on. About 6 weeks ago she told me we needed to get engaged soon because she felt the relationship was boring. And then 2 days later she said we needed to take a break. I tried to convince her that it wasn't necessary but it didn't work. So we took a break and a week later she decided that we needed to break up. I didn't beg or anything but she she definitely made it seem she thought we could get back together in the future. She told me she wasn't going be to be interested in anyone else for a long time. I ignored her texts for the first couple days after the break up but when she called me I answered. She told me she missed me and said she'd call again in a couple of days. She ended up not contacting me until a week later when just asked if I was doing okay. 3 weeks after our break up she sent out a tweet that said "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then". I asked her if that meant she had decided to move on she said yes in a very cold way. She seemed to definitely be done with me for good. I told her I will move on as well. 4 days later she texted me and asked if She could meet me for lunch. I told her yes. I asked her if one night would work and she said she had to spend time with her family for Christmas. I later found out she went to dinner with a female friend that same night. It seems that she just keeps reaching out to me to make sure I'm still interested in her.

Is she just stringing me along? And if so, how do I show her that I won't just keep waiting for her? I love her and think we can have a great relationship again but IM tired of her changing her feelings towards me constantly. She has been very nice when we've talked this week and she said she'd text me after the holidays but it just kind of felt like a slap in the face that she sad she couldn't meet that one night and ended up meeting with a friend.

Edited December 22, 2016 by calebsheets11
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[calebsheets11]

It seems that she is misses me a lot but she at the time she can't past her feeling that we are too different. I got very secure in our relationship and didn't put as much effort into it as I should have and I think that's why she lost most of her feelings and became distant. I know what changes I would make if I got her back and I know we could have a really strong relationship just like before. But I don't know how to get past that wall she has put up that we are too different. I don't know whether to tell her I know the mistakes I made in the relationship and that I would do things much differently this time, or if I should do no contact and wait for her to contact me. We are not too different but I don't know how to convince her of that. Please help!

[ZayKayWill]

Being 'too different' is a lame ass excuse IMHO. I wouldn't want to date someone who was literally exactly like me...where's the fun in that? I wanna date someone that can challenge me and my views. Someone that can get me into something that I was never really into before (movies, books etc). When it comes to relationships there needs to be similarity, so if there's literally no similarity then I'm not sure what to tell you exactly...

 

But either way, she keeps going back and forth and it's not fair to you that she keeps doing this. One day she says she needs space, then the next she's calling you and confusing you all at the same time. Again, not fair to you. I would move on....5 years is a long time, though. That's going to be really hard to let go I imagine...she's not treating you right, though. She's playing with your feelings hardcore. I would be hella mad at her. If I was you I would just cut off all contact with her and see how she responds to that. That way it really does look like you're moving on. If she really wanted the break up, I say let her have it. If it's meant to be then she'll come back. If not...well you know what to do I imagine. Good luck, mate.

[calebsheets11]

Thank you for your reply. I completely agree with all of it. And you're right, it's extremely difficult for just to move on. Especially since the first 4.5 of those 5 years our relationship was as great as it gets. I so badly wish there was some way I could tell her if she gave us a shot we could rebuild our relationship into something really great. But I really need get that meeting to have a shot to prove that to her. But I also really do not want to initiate contact. I mean she said she would text me after the holidays, but with the way she changes her

Mind I have no idea if she will actually do that.

[calebsheets11]

And we have lots of similarities like religion and stuff we like to do together. The biggest differences are political views and that she is very emotional and I'm not. The election really put a sftrain on our relationship.

[elaine567]

After being together for 5 years, the relationship had to go somewhere and that for most is getting engaged and then married and then kids.

The problem with this relationship is that she is now only 19 and she is nowhere near ready to settle down.

She no doubt sees you as marriage material, but she still has a lot of life to live yet so she is torn.

Her head says go, but her heart keeps pulling her back, only to have her head tell her again "Don't be so stupid"

She wants to go out and meet other people and other men too, but because you are so good "a catch" she doesn't really want to let you go completely either.

 

She has fled the nest and she knows that was the right thing to do, but she is still circling around as she still misses the cosiness and comfort of the nest.

[calebsheets11]

That is a good way of looking at it. I think she is torn on what future she wants. She knows how great I have treated her and she certainly doesn't want me to move on. But she also won't consistently show interest in me. She isn't talking to or seeing anyone else yet and she her friends are all in relationships so she doesn't party or anything. I'll keep you all updated on what happens. Thanks for your input.

[calebsheets11]

It's so frustrating because we could easily get back to having a great relationship and get engaged and married just like we always wanted. I know for a fact she will have a very hard time finding anyone who will treat her the way I have. But I don't know if she will realize that anytime soon.

[Redhead14]

My ex girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. We started dating when I was 17 and she was 15. I am now 22 and she is 19. About 6 months ago she started to act very distantly towards and it gradually got worse as time went on. About 6 weeks ago she told me we needed to get engaged soon because she felt the relationship was boring. And then 2 days later she said we needed to take a break. I tried to convince her that it wasn't necessary but it didn't work. So we took a break and a week later she decided that we needed to break up. I didn't beg or anything but she she definitely made it seem she thought we could get back together in the future. She told me she wasn't going be to be interested in anyone else for a long time. I ignored her texts for the first couple days after the break up but when she called me I answered. She told me she missed me and said she'd call again in a couple of days. She ended up not contacting me until a week later when just asked if I was doing okay. 3 weeks after our break up she sent out a tweet that said "I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then". I asked her if that meant she had decided to move on she said yes in a very cold way. She seemed to definitely be done with me for good. I told her I will move on as well. 4 days later she texted me and asked if She could meet me for lunch. I told her yes. I asked her if one night would work and she said she had to spend time with her family for Christmas. I later found out she went to dinner with a female friend that same night. It seems that she just keeps reaching out to me to make sure I'm still interested in her.

Is she just stringing me along? And if so, how do I show her that I won't just keep waiting for her? I love her and think we can have a great relationship again but IM tired of her changing her feelings towards me constantly. She has been very nice when we've talked this week and she said she'd text me after the holidays but it just kind of felt like a slap in the face that she sad she couldn't meet that one night and ended up meeting with a friend.

 

You two were very young and still very young to be deciding that you each are the ONES for each other. You both should be exploring other options and dating other people in order to see, experience, know what you really do want and need in another person to see what others have to offer. It's big world out there and neither of you have really experienced what it's like "out there" and to build a broader knowledge and experience base.

 

we needed to get engaged soon because she felt the relationship was boring. -- That is a very immature, and expectedly so, reason/thought process for making the decision to become engaged.

 

She's clearly confused and needs to time to be on her own and get focused on her own life to become a secure, independent woman in her own right in order to actually be a suitable partner for someone.

 

She's likely somewhat afraid to make the necessary break and still falls back on you for some kind of security/comfort which is very unfair to you. She will likely continue this behavior until she finds someone else. She can't really let go until she has security/comfort somewhere else. Hopefully, she won't go straight to another relationship, but instead find something else to focus on and fill that void. That will be a healthy way to go for her.

 

You should implement no contact for your own sanity and emotional healing. Let this go. Focus on YOU and your life and look to your future and building that for yourself.

[calebsheets11]

Thanks so much for the reply. I appreciate all the advice. I definitely don't want to keep being available to her and if she does the thing where she contacts me to make sure I'm still interested and then disappears again I will tell her she has to decide one way or the other. Either you want me or you don't. I certainly don't need her I just see a lot of potential with us but it would take effort on her part to accomplish that and she hasn't put any in for a long time.

[preraph]

The only thing you should do is move forward and go date other people and go do things you love to do and grow as a person. That's what she's doing, and this is the age to do it. She's bored and wants more. I was about to ask what are you willing to change to get her back, but then I see she is happy she has moved on and gained some independence.

 

If you do the same and expand your world and do new things and meet new different people and grow as a person because of it, maybe someday down the road she will find you more stimulating. But not if you just sit and wait.

[calebsheets11]

I'm willing to change how I connected emotionally with her. I didn't put much effort into it before because I was secure in the relationship. She felt that we weren't connecting emotionally. And I didn't do the random sweet things I did at the beginning of the relationship. I would do all those things if given another chance. I want to tell her that but don't want to imitate contact. The other posts might be right, she might be just wanting to see what else is out there. But if it's not for that reason, I want to get the chance to prove to her that I can connect.

[mikeylo]

If you want another chance , then keep ego aside, suck it up and initiate. That is THE only way. You don't get second chances served on a plate. You need to prove why you deserve another chance.

[calebsheets11]

Thanks for your reply. I am 100% willing to put munchies pride aside and admit the mistakes I made as a boyfriend and say how I would do them differently. I'm just afraid if I catch her in a mood where she is not interested she will just brush it aide. Preferable id like for her to contact me first and then me spell it all out for her. What do you guys think? I'll definitely give it until after the holidays because that's when she said she'd text me and I know she won't be busy

[calebsheets11]

I have a message that I have prepared to send to my ex. Here is it:

 

I am in a place in my life where I am fully ready and wanting to start a life with someone (get engaged, live together, get married). This is because I now have a great job and I am stable financially. I want to spoil someone by taking them to nice restaurants and paying for their meals, taking them shopping and buying them what they want, and just being very romantic like I was at the beginning of our relationship except even more so (That's a few of a LOT of changes in me). I think one of two scenarios is why we are in the situation we're in now 1)You feel we are too different. If that is the case, I completely understand why you feel that way based on how I was. But with the changes that I have made as a person and how I plan to be as a boyfriend in the future the fact we were too different is no longer an issue I don't think. I am man enough to put my pride aside and admit the failures I had as a boyfriend to you and I know how I will do things differently in any future relationships. I should have done better in all those areas all along and I apologize for that but over this past month I have realized all the ways that I didn't fulfill your needs and I will treat any relationship in the future much differently from now on because of it. 2)You have a strong feeling of wanting to see what else is out there and you are not ready to commit to someone for the rest of your life before you "explore". I had the same feelings early in college and so did Forrest, trust me. So I understand if you feel that way as well.

 

If the first one is the case, I have no doubt that we could build a stronger relationship than we have ever had. It could be something really special. I'm not saying we'd have to get back together tomorrow, I'm just saying there would be reason for me to wait because I know that the potential is there. If the second one is the case, it is best for me to move on. If you aren't ready to commit your life to one person yet, I'll need to find someone who is. But if you are open to the same things I am (getting engaged..etc) then by all means know I am offering them to you right now (once we were to get comfortable with each other and felt ready, obviously). Just let me know which scenario is the case. I'm sorry if any of this sounded mean or pushy. I don't mean it that way at all. If the first is the case just ignore the second one. Don't think I'm pressuring you. I'm not at all saying you need to decide right now. I'm giving you all the time and space you need. I just need to know which scenario is the case so I'll know what I need to do moving forward. This text is NOT a ploy to get you to change your mind. Everything I have said about the changes in me are absolutely true and permanent. This text is just simply to let you know I acknowledge the ways I failed as a boyfriend and I am willing to admit them and apologize to you for them. And to let you know in the future, no matter who I'm with, I know how I will do all those things much differently.

 

Should I sent this as is, or does anything need to be edited? And also, should I wait for her to contact me first before sending it or go ahead and initiate contact and send it?

[Marc878]

She's too young and she broke up with you for a reason. If there is a future it'll be in a few years after she's ready.

 

Don't send the letter.

 

Go no contact and quit sucking up her breadcrumbs.

 

If not this will just end badly for you and there'll be no tomorrow.

 

You both need some time to mature.

[DannyCA]

I have a message that I have prepared to send to my ex. Here is it:

 

I am in a place in my life where I am fully ready and wanting to start a life with someone (get engaged, live together, get married). This is because I now have a great job and I am stable financially. I want to spoil someone by taking them to nice restaurants and paying for their meals, taking them shopping and buying them what they want, and just being very romantic like I was at the beginning of our relationship except even more so (That's a few of a LOT of changes in me). I think one of two scenarios is why we are in the situation we're in now 1)You feel we are too different. If that is the case, I completely understand why you feel that way based on how I was. But with the changes that I have made as a person and how I plan to be as a boyfriend in the future the fact we were too different is no longer an issue I don't think. I am man enough to put my pride aside and admit the failures I had as a boyfriend to you and I know how I will do things differently in any future relationships. I should have done better in all those areas all along and I apologize for that but over this past month I have realized all the ways that I didn't fulfill your needs and I will treat any relationship in the future much differently from now on because of it. 2)You have a strong feeling of wanting to see what else is out there and you are not ready to commit to someone for the rest of your life before you "explore". I had the same feelings early in college and so did Forrest, trust me. So I understand if you feel that way as well.

 

If the first one is the case, I have no doubt that we could build a stronger relationship than we have ever had. It could be something really special. I'm not saying we'd have to get back together tomorrow, I'm just saying there would be reason for me to wait because I know that the potential is there. If the second one is the case, it is best for me to move on. If you aren't ready to commit your life to one person yet, I'll need to find someone who is. But if you are open to the same things I am (getting engaged..etc) then by all means know I am offering them to you right now (once we were to get comfortable with each other and felt ready, obviously). Just let me know which scenario is the case. I'm sorry if any of this sounded mean or pushy. I don't mean it that way at all. If the first is the case just ignore the second one. Don't think I'm pressuring you. I'm not at all saying you need to decide right now. I'm giving you all the time and space you need. I just need to know which scenario is the case so I'll know what I need to do moving forward. This text is NOT a ploy to get you to change your mind. Everything I have said about the changes in me are absolutely true and permanent. This text is just simply to let you know I acknowledge the ways I failed as a boyfriend and I am willing to admit them and apologize to you for them. And to let you know in the future, no matter who I'm with, I know how I will do all those things much differently.

 

Should I sent this as is, or does anything need to be edited? And also, should I wait for her to contact me first before sending it or go ahead and initiate contact and send it?

 

 

My man please don't send that. If you spend enough time on here you'll see how often people who were dumped send almost that same exact message and have it go absolutely nowhere. And just like you, they all thought that was the most heartfelt and genuine message they could have sent.

 

You're talking about all these changes that you will make for her, but she dumped you, she is having doubts, why isn't she trying to make changes for you? And that's a serious question.

 

Trust me I know what you're going through, there has only been one girl I've ever wanted to marry and we broke up when I was 21 and she was 20. So basically the same age as you guys.

 

Seriously, everything in your first post gave me flashbacks to when we broke up. Right up to the part when your ex wanted to meet but bailed, then you found out she went out with her friend. That same exact thing happened to me.

 

I don't doubt that she loves you, but listen to the people on here who are telling you that she is too young to settle down and that she wants to explore her options before she makes that decision. Her saying that she wants to get engaged because things are "too boring" is the single most immature thing I have ever heard. Ever.

 

I think people, when talking about breakups in their early 20's, tend to forget that humans brains are still developing till their mid 20's-ish. So how does someone really know what they want if their brain is still developing?

 

Things are still fresh and it is going to take you a long time to heal. Seriously. There is nothing you can do to magically make the pain go away or make you forget her. Time is the only thing you have to heal and it f***ing sucks...

 

You want to know what your absolute best chance is to get her back? Stop talking to her and delete her off social media. You need to grow as a man without her. She needs to grow as a woman without you. And in a year (or hopefully more because of your guy's age), if you both reconnect, hopefully you both see eye to eye and realize you're both what you wanted all along. But here's the rub, chances are you'll both outgrow each other.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true

[calebsheets11]

I really appreciate the replies. Thank you all.

[mikeylo]

Your letter sounds more like : After break up with you , I have become a better guy who will treat his next gf well !

[calebsheets11]

Haha yea it does. I'm trying to make it sound as least desperate as possible. I've made a lot changes to it since I posted it here. If I do send it it would be more for me to have no regrets than it is with the expectation of her changing her mind. I fully expect her to not change her mind because of it. I just want to get the message across that I acknowledge the ways I failed as a boyfriend, and know how I will change those things in the future. But also that I am fine without her and will move on if she doesn't want those things.

[calebsheets11]

I mean I treated her very well in a lot of ways. But just like a lot of guys get in a long term relationship, I got very secure in the relationship and stopped putting in as much effort in some areas that I should have. I allowed everything to get very "routine". She's already owned up to where she failed in the relationship. I just want to do the same. And make her aware of what I'm offering now. I'm doing it with any expectation of it making a difference. I just don't see how it would make anything worse. I won't be surprised or upset if she gives me no positive response. I'd be shocked if it made any difference at all.

[calebsheets11]

Just to update you all on the situation. I did up sending the letter. I did it because I had no expectation of a positive response from her and I knew I'd have no regrets if I sent it. She replied with "Thank you saying all of that. I appreciate all the kind words, but I need some time to think about it."

While that is probably a neutral response. It's certainly not a negative one. Which I expected. Whatever she ends up deciding is fine with me. I know I said all I could have said.

[mystificatecg]

Just to update you all on the situation. I did up sending the letter. I did it because I had no expectation of a positive response from her and I knew I'd have no regrets if I sent it. She replied with "Thank you saying all of that. I appreciate all the kind words, but I need some time to think about it."

While that is probably a neutral response. It's certainly not a negative one. Which I expected. Whatever she ends up deciding is fine with me. I know I said all I could have said.

 

Sorry kid, but because of your lack of self-control, you've lost value in her eyes. Don't worry though, just date other people and move on and your value will increase, but ACTUALLY move on. If she does want you back, you won't want her. If she doesn't, you'll have moved on. Win-Win

[calebsheets11]

Thanks for the reply. But I don't see it that way. If I didn't say anything even if she did Miss me she would convince herself of my negative qualities. And I did change the message quite a bit before I sent it. But if I sent it or didn't send it, the result was most likely going to be the same. I just know I have no regrets now because she knows what I'm offering. And if she doesn't want it, then somebody else will. I'm completely accepting of the breakup and I'll be fine either way this goes. I won't be reaching out to her first.

[BetrayedH]

The problem is that you're offering yourself up on a plate. She's got her eye on something else and now she knows she has you as a plan B backup. Accepting her breadcrumbs also lowers your rank.

 

Start dating.

 

Try to realize this is a healthy thing for you. I've been around here a long time and relationships that start this early never seem to end well. Someone eventually gets the urge to sow their wild oats and never had a chance to do it. By then, you'll have spent a decade or more together and the mess of the breakup/divorce (probably with children) would leave you in a real mess.

 

You don't have to regret this relationship. Just see that it ran its course and it really is best for both of you to go out an explore the world. Don't contact her anymore. If she contacts you, I think it's fine to respond (she's not your enemy) but make it clear that you're moving on with your life and doing well.