Christmas Guilt Trip From His Step Mom (Updated)

[kismetkismet]

I always spend Christmas at a family cabin with my parents, three sisters, their hubs, and 5 nieces and nephews who are under the age of 7. We are really close and I love spending Christmas morning with the little kids more than anything. Before we got engaged a couple of weeks ago my fiancé and I had discussed what to do for Christmas this year and I had said that I couldn’t spend it apart from the kids. His Dad, step-mom and half brother (14yo) live just down the road from the cabin, and I said that to keep everyone happy he could go to his parent’s for Christmas eve and Christmas morning and then we could all get together in the evening. He was a little hurt and said he didn’t want to spend it apart though, so we said that we would spend the 23rd with his family, the night of the 24th and Christmas morning with my family and then his family could come over for Christmas day/dinner.

 

I thought that this was fine because my fiancé had agreed, but his step-mom just messaged me on facebook saying that “(fiancé’s brother) will be devastated if you and (fiancé) don’t stay over for Christmas eve and have eggs benny on Christmas morning. Please tell me that you will”

 

The thought of not spending Christmas morning with my nieces and nephews is heartbreaking to me. But I also understand why his 14 year old brother would be devastated to just spend Christmas eve and morning just with his parents. We also just spent most of thanksgiving weekend with my extended family of 40 people – we spent one night with his parents, one night with my family doing thanksgiving dinner, and then they came over and celebrated with my family the third night.

 

My family is huge and very close, and I don’t want his family to think we’re just going to take him away.. My family does have a tendency to absorb the people that marry into it – but usually because the other family is not as close to begin with - not the case with his family and we make an effort to see them as much as we can.

 

I don’t really know what is reasonable to expect here. Is it unfair to want to spend it separately? Should I suck it up and do this one with them?

[eightytwenty]

I always spend Christmas at a family cabin with my parents, three sisters, their hubs, and 5 nieces and nephews who are under the age of 7. We are really close and I love spending Christmas morning with the little kids more than anything. Before we got engaged a couple of weeks ago my fiancé and I had discussed what to do for Christmas this year and I had said that I couldn’t spend it apart from the kids. His Dad, step-mom and half brother (14yo) live just down the road from the cabin, and I said that to keep everyone happy he could go to his parent’s for Christmas eve and Christmas morning and then we could all get together in the evening. He was a little hurt and said he didn’t want to spend it apart though, so we said that we would spend the 23rd with his family, the night of the 24th and Christmas morning with my family and then his family could come over for Christmas day/dinner.

 

I thought that this was fine because my fiancé had agreed, but his step-mom just messaged me on facebook saying that “(fiancé’s brother) will be devastated if you and (fiancé) don’t stay over for Christmas eve and have eggs benny on Christmas morning. Please tell me that you will”

 

The thought of not spending Christmas morning with my nieces and nephews is heartbreaking to me. But I also understand why his 14 year old brother would be devastated to just spend Christmas eve and morning just with his parents. We also just spent most of thanksgiving weekend with my extended family of 40 people – we spent one night with his parents, one night with my family doing thanksgiving dinner, and then they came over and celebrated with my family the third night.

 

My family is huge and very close, and I don’t want his family to think we’re just going to take him away.. My family does have a tendency to absorb the people that marry into it – but usually because the other family is not as close to begin with - not the case with his family and we make an effort to see them as much as we can.

 

I don’t really know what is reasonable to expect here. Is it unfair to want to spend it separately? Should I suck it up and do this one with them?

 

 

My fiancé family lives 8 hours away.... We switch... One year fully be there for mine, and the next year his... I know how you feel about missing your families things, but this is where marriage comes in, you have to make sacrifices for your SO.

[BaileyB]

I don't really think you are doing anything wrong, I'm doing exactly the same. I'm spending Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my niece and nephew, and my boyfriend is joining us for Christmas Day dinner (because his son goes to be with his mom). I've agreed to go over to my boyfriends house after leaving my family gathering on Christmas Eve.

 

My father does the same - he wants to be with his grandkids during Christmas and his girlfriend wants to be with her grandkids.

 

As long as you both agree with the plan, I don't see a problem. It would be different if you had your own kids together. But, extended family don't get a vote! If she's trying to guilt you by passing the blame that the brother will be unhappy... That's really unfair (to both you and the brother). She should at least have the courage to tell you that she is disappointed, rather than trying to guilt you passive aggressively into attending the holiday gathering.

 

Beware of more problems like this to come with his family...

[smackie9]

This is why I hate this time of year because everyone expects you there for Christmas but when you are dealing with more than one family you have to find ways to make everyone happy...it's a pain in the arse.

 

It's all about compromise, because you are going to have to do it when you are married with your own kids. Explain to the mother in law that you will have to bow out this year but will attend next year. Do it in rotation.

[clia]

You can start alternating years. This year spend Christmas Eve/Christmas morning with your family and next year spend Christmas Eve/Christmas morning with his family. Explain nicely to his step-mom that you've decided to spend this year with your family, but will spend next year with them.

 

Or, alternatively, if they only live down the road, can't you two just go over there for a couple of hours on Christmas morning and eat breakfast with them?

[BaileyB]

Very good idea. If they live nearby, join them on Christmas Eve for a drink after the kids go to bed. Or, join them for brunch after opening presents with the kids.

 

It's ok to do things apart sometimes, but if you can compromise, that's a good plan. After all, perhaps in a few years you will have children of your own, and then you will have to find a way to share Christmas with both families.

[kismetkismet]

Unfortunately it's actually more like 30-40 mins by icy wintery country road and I just have a little city car. Other people do have trucks suited to the roads, but that would mean whoever it is driving both ways to drop off/pick us up.

 

If we hadn't JUST gotten engaged a few weeks ago while on holiday with my family I would just tell him we need to spend the morning separately and then can do the rest together.. But i feel like being engaged kind of changes the expectations around that...

 

I just really wanted to be with the kids for Christmas eve because we hang the stockings, and then we write the kids a letter from Santa etc. etc. The oldest one is 7 so I feel like it won’t be long before they stop believing in Santa. I’ve actually never had a Christmas apart from any of them before (my parents, sisters, and their kids) – which I realize is probably strange since I’m 30. There were one or two years where we had to go with boyfriend/hubs families on the 25th, but then we always had a fake Christmas morning before hand.. not really possible anymore though now that there are kids.

 

I know we’ll have to alternate eventually, I just really wasnt’ expecting to have to this year and I’m pretty unhappy about it.. just don’t know if it’s worth upsetting my soon to be in-laws over...

[kismetkismet]

 

As long as you both agree with the plan, I don't see a problem. It would be different if you had your own kids together. But, extended family don't get a vote! If she's trying to guilt you by passing the blame that the brother will be unhappy... That's really unfair (to both you and the brother). She should at least have the courage to tell you that she is disappointed, rather than trying to guilt you passive aggressively into attending the holiday gathering.

 

Beware of more problems like this to come with his family...

 

I do actually think that it's the brother who is most upset about us not being there is the thing, which makes me feel terrible because he's a really sweet kid.

 

I'm shocked by this way of approaching it though! We're quite close with them and have spent 3 or 4 full weekends out there since the spring, plus visits for a night here and there. It just seems like kind of a manipulative way to go about asking me and it kind of hurt.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm surprised they've never run into this issue with his sisters husbands, but it's pretty typical to have to do this kind of splitting around the holidays. Spending Christmas eve with one family and Christmas day with the other seems like a really good compromise. But some people are just selfish and think it should all be about their family.

[eightytwenty]

Unfortunately it's actually more like 30-40 mins by icy wintery country road and I just have a little city car. Other people do have trucks suited to the roads, but that would mean whoever it is driving both ways to drop off/pick us up.

 

If we hadn't JUST gotten engaged a few weeks ago while on holiday with my family I would just tell him we need to spend the morning separately and then can do the rest together.. But i feel like being engaged kind of changes the expectations around that...

 

I just really wanted to be with the kids for Christmas eve because we hang the stockings, and then we write the kids a letter from Santa etc. etc. The oldest one is 7 so I feel like it won’t be long before they stop believing in Santa. I’ve actually never had a Christmas apart from any of them before (my parents, sisters, and their kids) – which I realize is probably strange since I’m 30. There were one or two years where we had to go with boyfriend/hubs families on the 25th, but then we always had a fake Christmas morning before hand.. not really possible anymore though now that there are kids.

 

I know we’ll have to alternate eventually, I just really wasnt’ expecting to have to this year and I’m pretty unhappy about it.. just don’t know if it’s worth upsetting my soon to be in-laws over...

 

 

Really? Either go to his this year or them they'll have ya'll next year... Funny that you don't want to miss anything of yours, but you haven't considered (or said) what your fiancé wants.

[kismetkismet]

Really? Either go to his this year or them they'll have ya'll next year... Funny that you don't want to miss anything of yours, but you haven't considered (or said) what your fiancé wants.

 

He said that he wanted to do it all together. That we would stay there on the 23rd and his family would come over to ours on the 24th evening and 25th night (or we would go to his families the night of the 25th, that part was still in the air and I was ok with either way).

 

We can't do christmas even one place and christmas morning at the other because someone would have to drop us off which would take them 1hr - 1:20 in the snow.

[anna121]

A bit of a tough one.

 

Personally, I think your fiance should be the one to deal with this. He was unhappy about your initial suggestion to be apart...but being at home would keep his brother happy. So, really, that's your fiance's choice. Not yours.

 

I agree that your future MIL is being manipulative. But people get crazy on/about Christmas so it may not necessarily be a sign of things to come.

 

I think you and your fiance came up with a reasonable compromise for this year. It's on him to deal with any repercussions.

 

I did have one thought, though, since you are not utterly opposed to seeing his family. Can you guys not rent or borrow someone's truck to make coming and going easier? Because the car excuse is otherwise...weak.

[kismetkismet]

Also, I thought that I'd said this already, but maybe I didn't. I definitely understand that we will need to alternate/split holidays between our families going forward. But I'm talking about this Christmas specifically. We had agreed to do it that way and I'd sort of thought that if worse came to worst and his brother/family really needed him there he and I would split up for christmas eve and morning. But since we just got engaged a few weeks ago I feel like the expectations around that have changed.

[eightytwenty]

Also, I thought that I'd said this already, but maybe I didn't. I definitely understand that we will need to alternate/split holidays between our families going forward. But I'm talking about this Christmas specifically. We had agreed to do it that way and I'd sort of thought that if worse came to worst and his brother/family really needed him there he and I would split up for christmas eve and morning. But since we just got engaged a few weeks ago I feel like the expectations around that have changed.

 

 

Engagement does mean change. Means that both of you are apart of each other's family now...

[kismetkismet]

I did have one thought, though, since you are not utterly opposed to seeing his family. Can you guys not rent or borrow someone's truck to make coming and going easier? Because the car excuse is otherwise...weak.

 

I'm terrified of driving in the snow and it's pretty dangerous, I'm not used to driving a truck at all, let alone at night on windy icy dark roads..Plus there are generally drinks around christmas and I won't drive after having any. My fiancé doesn't drive. We live downtown in a biggish city so driving isn't really a thing we do very much.. pathetic I know.

 

I'm not opposed to seeing them at ALL and was hoping for them all to come over to our place for christmas eve and for christmas dinner. They just want us to stay at their place rather than ours, and I guess not do christmas eve dinner with my family either. We'd also have been staying at their place on the 23rd.

 

They spent half of thanksgiving with my family as well, the only thing we did separately was one thanksgiving dinner, otherwise we were with them the whole time.

Edited December 6, 2016 by kismetkismet

[Methodical]

Before we got engaged a couple of weeks ago my fiancé and I had discussed what to do for Christmas this year and I had said that I couldn’t spend it apart from the kids. His Dad, step-mom and half brother (14yo) live just down the road from the cabin, and I said that to keep everyone happy he could go to his parent’s for Christmas eve and Christmas morning and then we could all get together in the evening. He was a little hurt and said he didn’t want to spend it apart though, so we said that we would spend the 23rd with his family, the night of the 24th and Christmas morning with my family and then his family could come over for Christmas day/dinner.

 

I thought that this was fine because my fiancé had agreed, but his step-mom just messaged me on facebook saying that “(fiancé’s brother) will be devastated if you and (fiancé) don’t stay over for Christmas eve and have eggs benny on Christmas morning. Please tell me that you will”

 

You and your fiancé will have to temper other ppl's expectations, not meet them. Otherwise, they may overstep or insert themselves in a manner that breeds resentment within your relationship. The two of you had already reached an agreement and your guy needs to step up and say so.

 

An alternative, since you aren't happy with her approach, is to reply back and let her know you have encouraged him to spend Christmas Eve/morning with them. The ball is his court bc you have prior arrangements . Then, step back and let him step up.

[BaileyB]

Well said Methodical.

 

If you do not live close enough to compromise, you have to make a decision. Yes, things have changed because you are engaged this year. It's nice that they want to celebrate the holidays wih you both. It's not so nice how your future mother in law went about asking. You have already made an agreement with your fiancé and unless you wanting to change your decision, he needs to talk to his family and tell them to leave it be. In the future, you will have to find a way to share the holidays with everyone. But, if you and your fiancé agree, there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend this holiday with your family (and he with his family). He needs to communicate that with his family and then they need to respect your decision.

[introverted1]

Kismet, am I reading correctly that his family did most of the accommodating on Thanksgiving? If so, I think you should be willing to accommodate them at Christmas. Next year, you'll flip and his family will get Thanksgiving dibs while yours gets Christmas.

[LD1990]

What a mess. You're "pretty unhappy" because you may miss out on hanging stockings with a bunch of kids you're still going to see anyway, and your fiance's stepmom is writing you whiny messages saying "please stay for egg's benny!"

 

I sympathize with your fiance, it sounds like he just wants to spend the holidays with the woman he's going to marry. And really, that should be the priority here. You two are starting a life together. You're not marrying your nieces and nephews, and he's not marrying his stepmom.

 

If it's really important to your fiance (him, not his half-brother), just spend the time with his family. You spent Thanksgiving dinner with your family and his family came to visit later, it's only fair that this time around, you accommodate your fiance and stay with his family.

 

He does need to tell his stepmom to butt out, though. You two can figure out your holiday plans without any family interference, without hearing about how "so and so will be soooooooo disappointed." It's a holiday, they'll live.

[mortensorchid]

Moments like this make me happy I am not married (nor have I ever been) and wasn't expected to have a family split time. It's tricky, to be sure. Now you're engaged to be married, so you do have to act like you're married. Is it possible to do both on the same day? Wake up early, do the kids in the early morning then jet over to the other for breakfast? If not able to do, choose which you're going to spend it with. You may have to flip a coin.

[anna121]

I'm terrified of driving in the snow and it's pretty dangerous, I'm not used to driving a truck at all, let alone at night on windy icy dark roads..Plus there are generally drinks around christmas and I won't drive after having any. My fiancé doesn't drive. We live downtown in a biggish city so driving isn't really a thing we do very much.. pathetic I know.

 

 

Even though I'm a Canuck, I won't rag on you. Except to urge you to see that your fiance learns to drive. That will get old fast.

[AndOrchid]

I'm not understanding the car excuse. You're saying that the original plan was to spend the 23rd at their place and possibly go over again for dinner on the 25th. So if you can drive there for those things, why can't you drive there on the morning of the 25th instead? That way you can spend Christmas Eve with your family and Christmas morning with his.

[kismetkismet]

Even though I'm a Canuck, I won't rag on you. Except to urge you to see that your fiance learns to drive. That will get old fast.

 

haha I'm from the West Coast, definitely deserve the ragging when it comes to winter driving! And he's learning now thankfully. I have pretty bad anxiety and despise driving, I told him I won't have kids until he gets it haha. (A few years off anyway)

[Gaeta]

haha I'm from the West Coast, definitely deserve the ragging when it comes to winter driving! And he's learning now thankfully. I have pretty bad anxiety and despise driving, I told him I won't have kids until he gets it haha. (A few years off anyway)

 

Close family drive each other around. His family can come and pick you up for the rest of the night and your family can go get you back when ever.

[Ruby Slippers]

You and your fiance have discussed reasonable compromises, and what you decide upon and are happy with is really the end of it.

 

I find it very irksome when people put demands on other people about where they spend their holiday time. Gotta love that generous Christmas spirit

 

If I were in your position, I'd do the night before Christmas Eve and Christmas Eve morning one place, then go to other place for Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning. If anybody has a problem with not getting you at the exact moment they want you... it's their problem, not yours.