Not sure how to handle this

[kdflr]

My wife and I have been married just a couple of months. She has a male friend that she has had for around 11 years that she works with. Here's my issue, a few months ago I was with my wife and her friend, he tended to talk to her inappropriately(sexual in nature), so I told her I did not appreciate his comments and I would not be hanging with them again. She did tell him not to do that in front of me anymore. Fast forward another couple of months. She tells me that she is mad at her friend because she was talking to him on the phone and he said "I'm bored, you want to f***, oh wait its too late your done married. She did get mad at him and told him not to ever do it again. However, even though she got mad she did say he was just kidding and that's the way he is. This made me furious. I texted him and told him how disrespectful to me, my wife, and my marriage this was. She did not like that I did it and defended his character when I attacked it. However, she did agree not to be hanging out with him outside of work. After all this they still text each other. She tells me that she will not stop texting him and end a friendship with him. This is causing some major issues with us. Am I wrong for not wanting them texting? I just feel that I'm being disrespected by both of them.

[Gloria25]

Divorce her.

 

Hopefully you haven't had kids with her yet.

 

This is a BIG red flag. Surprised you didn't see this while dating her. Even "if" they didn't have sex and/or a RL or intend to do so - a married woman shouldn't be having such racy jokes with some guy AND/OR DEFEND such racy jokes.

 

Like I said a bunch of times, women now a days have no respect for their men now a days. Stay with her and you will continue on the path to being her sperm donor, wallet, and babysitter - not her "man".

[Mr. Lucky]

She tells me that she is mad at her friend because she was talking to him on the phone and he said "I'm bored, you want to f***, oh wait its too late your done married. She did get mad at him and told him not to ever do it again. However, even though she got mad she did say he was just kidding and that's the way he is. This made me furious. I texted him and told him how disrespectful to me, my wife, and my marriage this was. She did not like that I did it and defended his character when I attacked it.

 

He's not your problem, your wife is. She clearly has boundary issues and little respect for your marriage. Someone committed to your relationship would have kicked him to the curb the moment he crossed that line.

 

Will she attend MC with you? You have much to discuss...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AmandaDiane]

You need to come forward with your feelings and confront her. Ask her, how would she feel if you were the one telling other women you want to sleep with them, and keeping texting non-stop. How would she feel? If she's OK with something like this, then you need to re-evaluate your marriage.

 

So sorry to hear you're in this position.

[Methodical]

If they've been friends for 11 years, where was he the whole time you dated?

[aileD]

If they've been friends for 11 years, where was he the whole time you dated?

 

 

This........

Edited November 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Larryville]

He's not your problem, your wife is.

 

Divorce her. Hopefully you haven't had kids with her yet. This is a BIG red flag. Surprised you didn't see this while dating her.

 

The most important factor in a good relationship is RESPECT, if you don’t have that or lost it you have no relationship.

Don’t see your age but as someone said don’t freaking have kids with her.

[BluesPower]

Like some have said...

 

Your partner has to respect you. Her R with friend is disrespectful to you and your marriage.

 

If she won't end it kick her to the curb. This is not the way a wife acts.

[Satu]

She doesn't respect you.

 

She rides roughshod over your feelings.

 

If this is allowed to continue, you will end up a cowed and disheartened man.

 

It needs to stop.

 

 

Take care.

[miltie1916]

Would your wife be open to seeking professional marriage counseling? If she would, perhaps you could attend as a couple. It appears she is having difficulties with the "forsaking all others" part of her marriage vows.

[road]

Divorce her. She is not wife material.

[TheWhittler]

Your wife doesn't even seem to respect herself too much to allow one of her friends to say that.

 

As others have said I would protect yourself by making sure you have "get away" money and that you do not have children, mortgages etc until you can fully trust her and she gets rid of people like that in her life.

[Whoknew30]

It's insane to me how quickly everyone yells out divorce! Then doesn't understand why the younger generation is so willing to quit everything in life so easily. Yes, he's being disrespectful, she told him! Though she's known him for a long time & most people don't just drop a 11 year friend ship over dumb comments! So he should divorce her bc she got mad at a friend she's had over a decade, when she's being 100% transparent with her H & is not doing anything wrong herself.

 

lol anyone that that truly thinks this is cause for divorce alone, is someone that shouldn't be married themselves.

[Poutrew]

It's insane to me how quickly everyone yells out divorce! Then doesn't understand why the younger generation is so willing to quit everything in life so easily. Yes, he's being disrespectful, she told him! Though she's known him for a long time & most people don't just drop a 11 year friend ship over dumb comments! So he should divorce her bc she got mad at a friend she's had over a decade, when she's being 100% transparent with her H & is not doing anything wrong herself.

 

lol anyone that that truly thinks this is cause for divorce alone, is someone that shouldn't be married themselves.

 

The problem isn't really what the friend said, it's how the wife defended him, basically coming out on his side against her own husband. She kicked her husband to the curb, and it is because she really likes the way her loudmouthed friend talks. But still, you are right. They shouldn't divorce over this. However, in order to maintain some semblance of equality in the marriage, it behooves the husband to 'friend' a woman and not worry what his wife thinks about their far ranging conversations.... also, since I really don't think this marriage has a chance in he-double hockey sticks of surviving if the wife doesn't understand that she is a married woman who owes her allegiance to her husband, that woman he starts talking to might be wife #2 after the enevitable divorce...

[BluesPower]

No Whoknew30, it does not work that way.

 

Any man that allows a woman to favor or pick another male friend over the husband and marriage is a fool.

 

The friend did not have to do anything inappropriate for it to be a problem, if husband has a problem with a male friend for any reason she should dump him. The marriage R comes first in all cases.

 

Here is the deal for me and a lot of men: If you want to be with me, things like this issue (the one in this post) will not go on. End of story. If you (wife) have a problem with that, hit the road.

 

Men that allow this type of stuff to go on are asking for affairs or whatever to happen.

[Whoknew30]

No Whoknew30, it does not work that way.

 

Any man that allows a woman to favor or pick another male friend over the husband and marriage is a fool.

 

The friend did not have to do anything inappropriate for it to be a problem, if husband has a problem with a male friend for any reason she should dump him. The marriage R comes first in all cases.

 

Here is the deal for me and a lot of men: If you want to be with me, things like this issue (the one in this post) will not go on. End of story. If you (wife) have a problem with that, hit the road.

 

Men that allow this type of stuff to go on are asking for affairs or whatever to happen.

 

 

I don't go for that...then why stop at opposite sex? Why not start telling each other every one I can & cant speak to...I'm married to a partner, not my father. The wife has been friends with him over a decade, it's not a new guy she just started hanging out with, she knows him beyond his stupid comment. She's being honest with her husband.

 

Here's the thing with women, you behave as how you're stating you would, when a woman is being honest with you, she'll then start to lie bc even though she's done nothing wrong & now you've shown her, she trust to be honest with you.

 

Also you feel that way bc you're a man that has cheated a lot...so you probably don't trust anyone. If these two aren't cheaters they're not thinking like people that have, including myself.

 

I wouldn't want to give up an 11 year friendship over a stupid comment, that he got told off by both of them for.

 

 

I've had all the same friends since elementary school, so has my H & our groups met in high school. We all still hangout & do you know the stupid things we've all said to each other, knowing each other that long...to much to keep track!! I never give any of those friendships nor expect him to...i don't believe in babysitting my spouse's friendships, I just wouldn't hang around that particular friend.!

[BluesPower]

Whoknew30 I get your POV and if that works for you great.

 

But let me ask this question: So you have a male friend that may/may not have the hots for you. You know that you would never do anything like that but you like him as a friend.

 

Your husband gets the vibe that Male Friend is giving off and says to you. You know what MF is a little too friendly, I trust you but I want you to dump him and stay away. What you are telling me is that you would tell your H to just F*** OFF?

 

If your husband stood for that he would be a good little beta boy, and you might as well start "hot-wifing" if you wanted to.

 

My cheating really has nothing to do with this type of stuff. Long story but not relevant.

 

I will say this, I operate like this with all my women, and currently it is only my wife, whom I love deeply. If she is not happy with me for what ever reason, she and any other women that I am with are free to leave whenever.

 

I have not and will not ever chase after a women that is unhappy with me for whatever reason. And that extends to my feelings as well. If she is doing something that I don't like and she says to FO if I don't like it. I will leave if it bothers me, no sweat.

 

It must work for some women because the are plenty that want to be with me.

[lucy_in_disguise]

If they've been friends for 11 years, and nothing ever happened between them, even before you were dating, I think I would feel confident that the relationship was completely platonic. Do you really think he has the hots for her, or just a weird/ inappropriate sense of humor? It's a difficult situation, i don't think ultimatums should be thrown around lightly, and 11 years of friendship is a lot to ask someone to give up.

[BluesPower]

lucy_in_disguise - I get where you are coming from, I really do.

 

Here is the deal IMHO, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel?

 

Let's say that your BF/H has an old female friend and you just have a bad feeling for whatever reason. You can't explain it, you don't understand it, but you have a bad feeling.

 

Would/could you ask BF to end the relationship? If he said no, how would you feel?

 

This is the way I look at exclusive relationships, if there is a issue with someone that you don't feel good about around the relationship, you back off the relationship. Your primary R should always be your priority.

 

If it is not, it is not your primary relationship.

 

And, guys, please don't come at me with, "What she can't have any friends?" Because you know that is not what I am saying.

[lucy_in_disguise]

lucy_in_disguise - I get where you are coming from, I really do.

 

Here is the deal IMHO, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel?

 

Let's say that your BF/H has an old female friend and you just have a bad feeling for whatever reason. You can't explain it, you don't understand it, but you have a bad feeling.

 

Would/could you ask BF to end the relationship? If he said no, how would you feel?

 

This is the way I look at exclusive relationships, if there is a issue with someone that you don't feel good about around the relationship, you back off the relationship. Your primary R should always be your priority.

 

If it is not, it is not your primary relationship.

 

And, guys, please don't come at me with, "What she can't have any friends?" Because you know that is not what I am saying.

 

When it comes to new friends of the opposite sex, I generally agree. However, this is an 11 year old work friendship that has been completely platonic. In this situation, i would trust my partner's judgement and recognize his/her right to choose friends. I may also spend more time with the two of them to get to know the friend better. Just having a bad feeling would not be enough for me to issue an ultimatum re: someone who was a very old friend. I have appreciation for dirty humor so the innuendos would not bother me, but if there was specific behaivior that was an issue, I would give my partner and the friend more of a chance to change the dynamic before demanding they end the friendship.

 

I also don't see this coming up after marriage as I would assume I'd have gotten to know my partners old friends before tying the knot.

 

I think OP's situation is even more complicated because his wife and the friend work together, so asking her to end the friendship is going to have an impact on her work as well.

Edited December 6, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Telling someone to "cut out the flirty chit chat" and having them go to the next extreme of telling the other person they can't even talk is not communication. That's not even advice heeded.

 

That's just stupidity.