Do you ever stop loving someone?

[queenie93]

I was dating someone for nine months. We've been broken up for eight.

 

I think about him every single day. Intellectually, I know that we were not good for each other at the time. He was struggling to grow up. He was 25 and didn't have a stable, steady job. I understand that he's younger and finding his footing, but he also didn't have any sort of plan for life. He honestly liked it that way. Whereas I (at 23) am a very driven person. Since we've broken up I actually started grad school.

 

I feel like life was pulling us in separate directions.

 

Even though we are not together. In my heart, I feel as though I still love him. Naively perhaps, all this time I thought at some point we would get back together. I just figured, I'd grow up and he'd grow up and we'd find our way back to each other. I recently learned though that he got someone pregnant. It was a mistake and I don't think they're even together.

 

I would never, NEVER stand in the way of him stepping up and being a father. I have no intentions of pursuing him while he's going through this. But I just realized all of a sudden that the idea I had in my head of us together can no longer be. Even after breaking up with him, I never thought he was truly gone. Hearing the news that he got someone pregnant, just made me feel like we'd broken up again.

 

It seems like some sort of cosmic lesson. When we dated I begged him to grow up. He never did. And now this responsibility is forcing him to.

 

We've been broken up for a significant amount of time. I've dated other people and for whatever reason, it hasn't worked out. I thought I was moving on. But I know I still love him. I feel like I always will.

 

I guess I just thought that you don't ever stop loving someone... but is that true? Do you believe you ever stop loving someone?

 

I just always thought that feelings never die. You can't tell someone you love them and then allow the circumstances of life to change those feelings. If that happens, then did you ever really love them? But if that's the case, how do you ever move on?

 

I'm just very confused and heart broken.

[PrettyEmily77]

I just always thought that feelings never die. You can't tell someone you love them and then allow the circumstances of life to change those feelings. If that happens, then did you ever really love them? But if that's the case, how do you ever move on?

 

I kind of agree that feelings never die, but love slowly fades into something else with time.

 

You move on by accepting the situation ( irremediable timing / incompatibility issues) and eventually the 'love' feelings turn into fondness for the good times whilst acknowledging that you weren't right for each other, without the need to either idolise or demonise him.

 

Gradually, he'll become that person from your past that you once cared for.

 

Good luck, OP.

[BluesPower]

I think you never stop loving someone that you were really in love with.

 

I thought I loved my HS and Collage sweetheart that I later married. But I am not sure how real that love was. Maybe it was, we were together 10 years, but I don't feel it now.

 

My wife, and the mother of my children, I love and always have. And, we have had a very difficult marriage, but I have never stopped loving her.

[Gloria25]

I believe too many people equate "love" with "lust", "desperation", "infatuation", "feelings", "emotions" - pretty much anything BUT "love".

 

My fav podcaster considers "love" having "respect, admiration, and awe" for a person.

 

I fail to see how anyone could have "respect, admiration, and awe" for this guy - per your description of him. Your description of him makes me think of him being an immature "boy" - who has no plans of growing up.

 

Also, IMO, you two never were in an actual relationship. I mean, you said you felt like he cheated on you when he got some girl preggo - well, doesn't seem like he was into you as much as you were into him if he was messing around with other women, especially to be so reckless and careless to knock one up.

 

I don't believe you "love" him. I believe that he is "familiar". He's what you knew/know and its time for you to let go. You're only 23. You and him are not gonna be the same person at 25, 28, 30 - even 32. Enjoy dating and stop thinking every guy you meet is "the one" cuz even though I applaud you for keeping your head on straight, you still are 23 and you will not be the same person in a few years from now. Trust me, I was mature for my age, but now when I look back, I still was 20, 25, etc. and matured/changed with the ages.

 

This guy isn't worth it. He's gone on a reckless path and it won't get better. Forget the age differences and need to mature, you two are different people and not compatible.

 

Well wishes

[LargoLagg]

You were in love, then you figured out that at least relative to you, he's a loser, so you dumped him. At 9 months, the illusions about this guy were beginning to drop and you were beginning to see who he really was. Had you stuck with him, you probably would have had another three months to go before you were clear eyed again.

 

But then you short-circuited this natural process of disillusionment at the first sign of imperfection. That didn't change your feelings, but it did arrest the process of learning who he really is. Now you're going a lot slower than you otherwise might have. The best move for you may have been to hang in there, and to have begun telling him all the new things you were beginning to notice that you weren't crazy about.

 

Get back to us in 5 years and let's see if you still feel the same. I don't think you will.

[preraph]

For many people, there will be a couple of people in their lives that they love but can't live with and make a life with. Whether you maintain contact with them is a whole other debate, and I think it hinges on how dedicated you are to finding one man who wants to make a life and family with you. If that's what you want, you're wasting time with the ones who didn't work out and they will likely be an obstacle to any future relationship if you try to keep them in your life. However, if you're more like me and weren't focused on finding someone to father your children, then it doesn't matter as much if you stay in touch a little as long as you have done the work on yourself and disciplined yourself to move on from them emotionally and not hold out hope.

 

For many, no contact is the least painful road to take. For those with a steel will and self-discipline and who are able to think logically, they may be able to make themselves move forward with life and date others and enjoy it and still occasionally catch up with an ex.

 

We all have it in us to get stronger. We have to want to do it and know that we have to do it, and then DO it. Good luck.

[Tribble]

I don't think so. If you truly love someone. I used to think you could. I thought I'd loved people in the past. But with my ex, I was truly in love with him. I would have moved heaven and earth to be with him. But things didn't work out. We've been broken up for about 18 months now and I still love him. Which sucks.

 

But I realised a long time ago that that will never stop. A part of me will always love him and he will always have a part of my heart, because I gave it away. I still think you can move forward though. Most of my heart is still there. Hopefully I can give that to someone else who I fall in love with who will keep it for the rest of our lives. It won't make that love any less special. We have a great capacity to love if we allow ourselves.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I know I still love him. I feel like I always will.

 

Hate to be a bucket of cold water, but you were together for 9 months.

 

You'll find Mr. Right, settle down and 20 years from now this will barely be a blip on the radar.

 

I recently learned though that he got someone pregnant.

 

One might infer from this that he's moved on where you haven't. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Larryville]

To explore "Love" I would highly recommend watching this TED Talk

 

Helen Fisher – The Brain In Love – TED Talk

 

Google Her, read whatever links are available on her, her research and approach is very fascinating. She explores the Biological, neurochemical as well as emotional aspects of love.

 

Also You Tube Helen Fischer and "love" lots of good videos there too.

[basil67]

If you truly loved him, you wouldn't have been begging him to grow up. Love is about accepting people for who they are, flaws and all.

 

I think you were actually in love with the idea of who he could be. This person doesn't exist. And a baby won't necessarily force him to grow up - there are plenty of parents around who aren't mature enough to be good parents.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think it's important to remember that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean we end up with them.

 

I'm not going to analyze your love and tell you if it was real or not. Only you know that.

 

To answer your post, I think it is very possible to continue loving someone after a breakup, even years later, although that love may not necessarily look or feel the same. It inevitably shifts and changes the more we grow into our own and the more relationships we have.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Queenie, was this guy your first love? Where and how did you meet him? Was the decision to break up mutual or did one of you dump the other? If this guy was your first love and you were truly and deeply in love with him then I guess it will take a little time for that love to fade. Sometimes I think that people have an intuitive chemistry between them. One cannot explain it or wish it away. However, just as when someone loses an arm or leg in an accident and the missing member still appears to be present as far as our reflex actions go like a ghost arm or leg, it will take time for this love that you feel to fade away. As someone said you will continue to have fond memories of that love and you will always wish this guy well but since that love is not being reciprocated it will fade.

 

I remember reading about a case on another website written by a woman who said that she had married her HS sweetheart and both were deeply in love. After eight years or so of marriage she cheated on her husband with a black man just for the experience. However her husband found out and divorced her as he could not stomach the thought of her having slept with a black man. Although she begged him not to and that it was only sex and she was not emotionally involved with the OM her husband could not forgive her for her misdemeanour. Both of them married other people, the husband having married an Asian woman and she married a rich but elderly man. Many years later both of them found themselves at a swingers party and as luck would have it partnered each other and went off to a hotel where they spent the night. The husband confessed to her that he made a mistake because he loved her and still did and she also admitted that she loved him but life's circumstances got in the way. The point here is that sometimes love can survive even though life has other plans for you. In your case, since you knew your ex for just nine months your love unless it was something primal, may not last beyong a year or two. So just take it one day at a time and look on the bright side. You dodged a bullet. Warm wishes.

[Otter2569]

I think it's important to remember that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean we end up with them.

 

True statement! Perhaps you loved and shared and enjoyed more than you ever have...and this is awesome. Surely you also know in your heart that the two of you would never have worked. It does not lessen your love or the thought of what "might" have been. I do believe you will always be fond of this person but when Mr Right comes along you will know that too.

[MrPlop]

"You never really stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them". I just think we put that love in a very, very tiny safebox in the furthest corner of our hearts and throw away the key, never to be opened ever again, perhaps with time our rational selves take over. But then again, the human heart is a great little machine capable of loving more than one person as well.