Lack of Trust

[spiderowl]

I seem to have a major problem with trust in relationships. This does not only apply to romantic relationships but in general. It probably has more impact on romantic relationships though. I don't know how to deal with this as it has become engrained.

 

Basically, if a guy says he likes me and wants to date me, I find a million and one reasons why he can't be telling me the truth, why he must have ulterior motives. If he's younger, then I assume he's just looking for an 'experience', nothing meaningful. I assume men my age or older are just looking for a bit of fun and aren't thinking ahead (well, yes I guess they are not thinking ahead). If they say I am attractive, I think they are just saying that. If they say they like talking to me or that I am sweet, I assume they have ulterior motives. Ultimately, whatever they say I find it hard to trust any of it is true.

 

I really know how I can get out of this because either you trust someone or you don't. For me, it just takes time to get to know them and see how dependable they are. If I meet someone new, they seem to want instant trust. I have been chatting to a guy online for a long time. We have a kind of 'relationship' I suppose, though it seems to be going nowhere. We have an amazing connection, the best I've known in years, so it is tempting to always go back to that. I guess in some respects we 'know' each other well by now. He commented one time that he found my lack of trust rude and insulting. I was shocked because I actually do trust him, he has proven time and time again to be an honest person. I certainly did not mean to be rude in any way.

 

I have had reasons not to trust. I was pretty much told that guys were only after one thing and could not be trusted. But, there must be more to it than that. I have felt badly let down by friends in the past and work colleagues/managers. I feel I need to be all the more careful now, not less. I guess I need to learn ways in which trust is built. Also, how do you get round this problem of guys being offended if you don't believe their flattery? I can see where they are coming from but really, all women know about sweet talk.

 

Any thoughts most appreciated. I know this is interfering with relationships but I can't just turn on trust. It doesn't work like that.

[bowser]

Spiderowl, I've always been of quite a similar mindset, it's often easier when you are self-conscious or insecure to be more guarded with people in general and most people don't find these attractive qualities.

 

A good way to start is by learning to accept a compliment. If someone tells you you're beautiful or attractive even if you're immediate response is distrust learn to say "thank you" and maybe compliment them back. There are men who have ulterior motives but I'm sure that many of these will be genuine compliments.

 

You can accept a compliment and still be wary of people who might not be completely genuine. It sounds like you do have some trust issues you need to work through and the way to do that is by putting yourself out there and getting to know people- or more importantly letting people know you. at the same time though anyone who doesn't have the patience to gain your trust or reacts like that probably isn't worth the effort.

 

If you do trust him try and find ways to let him know, start slowly and work your way up. Tell him about things that are important to you, tell him a little about your past or your family and explain to him a little about why you don't trust so easy.

 

Hope this helped a little!

[thefooloftheyear]

Not to simplify your experiences, but isn't anything one does in life for the first time or with an unknown quantity a gamble-as far as trust goes??

 

Like this...

 

I hire a new guy to work for me, he tells me everything he is capable of, but I just don't accept that at face value, If I hire him, he needs to show me that he's capable and can stand up to what he said he could do..

 

I dunno...Its healthy to be skeptical about anyone or anything...Not to the point where it paralyzes you, but it keeps things honest and allows for the person to earn your trust...

 

I guess it goes back to the adage....Believe what they do, not necessarily what they say...

 

TFY

[spiderowl]

Thank you Bowser, that does help a lot actually. I do find this idea that men might find me attractive strange. I suppose I don't like the way I look and can't imagine anyone else can. Maybe I should be less defensive about that.

 

Having said before that the guy I was chatting to was trustworthy, he has just shown himself not to be. So, that is very disappointing and does not help. I think that is the trouble with meeting guys online; many of them have really serious issues.

[spiderowl]

I completely agree fooloftheyear, problem is in personal relationships people don't allow time. They expect that instant trust, banter, sharing, that is impossible if you are not sure what kind of person you are dealing with.

[LargoLagg]

Hi spiderowl,

 

I'm curious, how old are you?

 

Let me tell you a little about me. I'm 58, married for 25 years, and with a dating record that I'd put up against anybody's. I've been a devoted young bf, an illicit lover, a player, an eager suitor, you name it, I've been it. Of course, this was a long time ago, but you know, we're talking about human nature. I think I've got a pretty good handle on human nature. I tend to read people well, and, depending on your perspective, that helps me or is a hurtful thing.

 

So let's talk about you. A guy says he wants to date you and you're skeptical. I think that's plenty normal. The question is how you handle your doubt and portray it to people.

 

He commented one time that he found my lack of trust rude and insulting. I was shocked because I actually do trust him, he has proven time and time again to be an honest person.

 

It sounds like you TOLD HIM you didn't trust him. Ouch! That's totally unnecessary. Whatever you do about your mistrust, you need to portray it as strength, not weakness.

 

So, I wonder about a few things, in no particular order:

 

Do most of your dates originate online?

How long before you meet a guy online and you meet him in person?

If you don't meet within a certain number of contacts, do you abandon him?

Do you have a small, medium or large group of platonic friends?

What is the percentage of men to women in your circle of real, everyday friends?

How many of them are there?

 

Get where I'm going with this? I guess the best way to describe what I'm thinking is that whatever you do in your non-dating life extends to your dating life. I realize that online dating is not within my experience. The way it worked for us was that everybody I knew had a core and then extended group of friends, and usually, these were 2 or 3 circles that would intersect either never or rarely. But in any given circle of mine, everybody knew everybody else's business, and would feel free to chime in on whether this person was worthy of your attention or not, or seemed like a good person or not, or acted right or not. You got lots of feedback, and this feedback helped one develop their own radar.

 

Given online dating, I might be the worst guy to give advice. You're basically putting yourself out there to the world where nobody helps you vet your suitors. I have to imagine that as a girl, you encounter a lot more predators than my generation ever did. That doesn't sound easy and frankly, I have no experience with it. Whenever we met somebody new, we'd have to hang out with their friends for a while, and they'd have to hang out with us. Electronic comms meant a telephone relationship, and that would not cut the mustard. It took a village, if you know what I mean.

 

That said, I think even in that environment, you have to be comfortable with your doubt, but I think you also have to express it wisely. It might be that you need to challenge your men to hang out with your group, and you have to insist that you hang out with HIS GROUP (even if you bring a friend) before you're willing to make a judgment. Birds of a feather flock together and all that. You learn a lot about a person when you see them with their friends. Maybe that's what you're missing in your life.

[Satu]

In my own case, I'm very confident that I can take care of myself, so I have no problem bestowing some trust if the person isn't an obvious red flag type.

 

If circumstances demand it, trust can always be withdrawn and boundaries enforced.

 

There's a book you might find useful:

 

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self.

by Charles L. Whitfield

 

Publisher: Health Communications

 

ISBN-10: 155874259X

ISBN-13: 978-1558742598

 

 

Take care.

[spiderowl]

Thank you LargoLagg, I completely agree with what you say. I'm the same age as you, by the way.

 

To answer your questions:

 

Do most of your dates originate online?

Yes, though I haven't had any in over a year, just haven't been attracted to most of the guys who were interested or I found their characters dodgy in only a few sentences.

 

How long before you meet a guy online and you meet him in person?

A few weeks, I tend to chat for a while to see what he is really like as a character. It is surprising what people say once they feel you are familiar.

 

If you don't meet within a certain number of contacts, do you abandon him?

No, it depends what he is like. Mostly I abandon people because I do not feel they can communicate well enough or there is something wrong with them (usually they are only interested in sex chat or they have attitudes that I dislike, for example poor attitude towards women). Sounds mean perhaps, but there is no point continuing with someone who seems slow and who can barely write a sentence.

 

Do you have a small, medium or large group of platonic friends?

I have a social group, a mutual interest group, where I see quite a few people I like. I am not very close with any of them. As I say, I really lack trust, even in women, and I have avoided getting too close. I do talk with them and share but don't pursue anything beyond that group. I think I do need a social circle I can go out to places with but I suppose I lost confidence in women friends somewhere along the line.

 

What is the percentage of men to women in your circle of real, everyday friends?

Not many.

 

How many of them are there?

Not many

 

There are people in my social circle who would ask me out if I showed interest, I know this. It's just they don't appeal and when someone does they seem to get 'snapped up' by a more assertive woman who is more confident and trusting.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for the book reference Satu, I shall check that out

[LargoLagg]

Thank you LargoLagg, I completely agree with what you say. I'm the same age as you, by the way.

 

To answer your questions:

 

Do most of your dates originate online?

Yes, though I haven't had any in over a year, just haven't been attracted to most of the guys who were interested or I found their characters dodgy in only a few sentences.

 

How long before you meet a guy online and you meet him in person?

A few weeks, I tend to chat for a while to see what he is really like as a character. It is surprising what people say once they feel you are familiar.

 

If you don't meet within a certain number of contacts, do you abandon him?

No, it depends what he is like. Mostly I abandon people because I do not feel they can communicate well enough or there is something wrong with them (usually they are only interested in sex chat or they have attitudes that I dislike, for example poor attitude towards women). Sounds mean perhaps, but there is no point continuing with someone who seems slow and who can barely write a sentence.

 

Do you have a small, medium or large group of platonic friends?

I have a social group, a mutual interest group, where I see quite a few people I like. I am not very close with any of them. As I say, I really lack trust, even in women, and I have avoided getting too close. I do talk with them and share but don't pursue anything beyond that group. I think I do need a social circle I can go out to places with but I suppose I lost confidence in women friends somewhere along the line.

 

What is the percentage of men to women in your circle of real, everyday friends?

Not many.

 

How many of them are there?

Not many

 

There are people in my social circle who would ask me out if I showed interest, I know this. It's just they don't appeal and when someone does they seem to get 'snapped up' by a more assertive woman who is more confident and trusting.

Hunh. I had you pegged for someone much younger. I guess that's good, right?

 

So, you don't trust anybody. What does that mean? What does "trust" have to do with your friends? They'd steal your money? Your BFs? They don't like you even thought they pretend to like you? How do you assess that, or do you just make an assumption that everybody is out to get you in one form or another? At our age, who has time for that?

 

You know, by our age, you're supposed to have worked all that nonsense out.

 

Help me understand what you mean. This is more fundamental than men, right?

[spiderowl]

I don't see what there is to have worked out. From my point of view, I have found that the more you tell people, the more it puts you at risk, especially at work. I don't know why but I tend to assume people won't want to be friends with me anyway, so I'm pretty passive on that front.

 

I have had health problems which others can't see, mainly pain and fatigue. I am very conscious that they feel differently to me, judging by what they do and enjoy doing. It makes me feel cut off and as if there is no point bothering to connect. People can be quite mocking if they think you are being lazy or making a fuss about nothing. Just because pain is not visible does not mean it is not there.

 

I don't know why I have a problem with trust. Maybe it is more lack of confidence.