Need Outside Perspectives on This Issue

[SensitiveTJ]

I have a couple threads about the situation I'm going through in different areas throughout Loveshack. I'm expecting a baby with a girl I care about a lot, though we were never in a committed relationship. As of right now, we are working through a lot of issues, but I have decided that I want to be with her and have a family. That's my preferred long-term scenario.

 

This morning I had a conversation with the mother of my child about something that had really been bothering me. About a week ago I discovered that her online dating profile was still up and active, which hurt me pretty bad. I deleted mine as soon as I was told about the pregnancy. I've been stewing all week with the idea that this girl carrying my child could be talking to/dating/sleeping with other guys with my baby inside her.

 

 

I brought it up on the phone when we were talking and while she insists that she is not talking to or dating anyone, she doesn't think it's wrong for a pregnant woman to date/sleep with a man other than the baby's father. I made it clear that I couldn't disagree more strongly but neither of us was going to be moved. The thought of her being with another man while carrying our baby is literally sickening to me. I pray to God that doesn't happen but we'll see. She made it clear that we may or may not be together in the future, and I get that, it's just the act of pregnant sex with someone other than the bio father repulses me. Was curious to hear some opinions from LoveShack on this subject.

[SensitiveTJ]

By the way, before anyone raises this point, it's not a gender issue for me. Men who are expecting a baby shouldn't even be dreaming about sex with another woman.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First...So YOU have decided that you want to be with your baby mama and try and carve out a relationship with her and your unborn child but SHE has "made it clear" that you "may or may not be together in the future"??

 

Seems like the two of you are reading from two very different pages. Until you get THAT straight, everything else is pretty much mute.

 

 

Second...Although I personally think it's crazy for a pregnant woman to be active on a dating site, if a couple is clear about NOT being together despite becoming parents, to each their own I guess. Live and let live.

 

What gets me about THIS situation is that your baby mama hasn't sorted out YOUR relationship yet and she's already off looking for a new man whilst carrying another man's baby. Seems like a recipe for trouble.

 

 

OP, did you sit down and discuss wanting to try and make things work with her or were you just assuming she wanted the same thing?

 

Again, I think you need to figure out your relationship, whatever that is, first and stat. If she's not interested in being exclusive with you despite carrying your child, there is nothing you can do about it. She's free to date and have sex with whomever. And that goes for men expecting babies with another woman. Until you sort your sh*t out, I think each partner needs to chill and take a moment. I mean, what's the bloody rush??

 

On a side note, are pregnant women a beacon on dating sites? I can't imagine that little factoid going over well online but maybe I'm wrong. Unless she plans to keep that a secret for as long as she can get away with it??

 

Sticking situation indeed.

Edited November 25, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[SensitiveTJ]

First...So YOU have decided that you want to be with your baby mama and try and carve out a relationship with her and your unborn child but SHE has "made it clear" that you "may or may not be together in the future"??

 

Seems like the two of you are reading from two very different pages. Until you get THAT straight, everything else is pretty much mute.

 

 

Second...Although I personally think it's crazy for a pregnant woman to be active on a dating site, if a couple is clear about NOT being together despite becoming parents, to each their own I guess. Live and let live.

 

What gets me about THIS situation is that your baby mama hasn't sorted out YOUR relationship yet and she's already off looking for a new man whilst carrying another man's baby. Seems like a recipe for trouble.

 

 

OP, did you sit down and discuss wanting to try and make things work with her or were you just assuming she wanted the same thing?

 

Again, I think you need to figure out your relationship, whatever that is, first and stat. If she's not interested in being exclusive with you despite carrying your child, there is nothing you can do about it. She's free to date and have sex with whomever (although I can't imagine that little factoid would be a beacon for men on a dating site, am I wrong? Unless she plans to keep that a secret for as long as she can get away with it??)

 

Sticking situation indeed.

 

I've made it clear that I want to try for us, family, and marriage. She's not there yet; for her it's a possibility but not the only outcome. She's already raised a 7 year old alone so she's not the type to feel like a man needs to be in the house. But let me be real all of that stuff from me goes out the window if she's banging some other dude with our baby inside her. That is literally unforgivable in my mind. That's worse than cheating.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've made it clear that I want to try for us, family, and marriage. She's not there yet; for her it's a possibility but not the only outcome. She's already raised a 7 year old alone so she's not the type to feel like a man needs to be in the house. But let me be real all of that stuff from me goes out the window if she's banging some other dude with our baby inside her. That is literally unforgivable in my mind. That's worse than cheating.

 

Well, I hate to pass judgement here but perhaps you should have thought about what you were getting into when you started sleeping with a girl. I haven't read your other threads to know your history with her I might have missed something. Then again, by your own admission it was never exclusive.

 

I mean, she's already got one child with another baby daddy and raising it on her own. Now you're the one having a casual relationship with her and she gets knocked up AGAIN and you're surprised that she's not ready or willing to settle down with you despite carrying a child?

 

How certain are you that this child is yours?

 

Sorry dude. I know you're trying to do right by her and your unborn child but you may have picked the wrong woman to do that with.

[SensitiveTJ]

Well, I hate to pass judgement here but perhaps you should have thought about what you were getting into when you started sleeping with a girl. I haven't read your other threads to know your history with her I might have missed something. Then again, by your own admission it was never exclusive.

 

I mean, she's already got one child with another baby daddy and raising it on her own. Now you're the one having a casual relationship with her and she gets knocked up AGAIN and you're surprised that she's not ready or willing to settle down with you despite carrying a child?

 

How certain are you that this child is yours?

 

Sorry dude. I know you're trying to do right by her and your unborn child but you may have picked the wrong woman to do that with.

 

I appreciate your responses Michelle. You're right, it was never agreed to be exclusive but neither of us were with any other people while we were together (I wasn't, and I have to trust that she's telling the truth also). I'm surprised by her attitude, because while our relationship was uncommitted she was upfront that in the future she wanted marriage and family, as she was never married to her daughter's father. I'm not sure why her opinion has seemed to change in the last 8 weeks. It's hard to say what she really wants, one moment she's saying we're going to move in together, then next time it's "We won't necessarily be together because of a baby." I'm just hurt that a woman would be considering getting with another man while the bio dad is here and ready to give it his all.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I appreciate your responses Michelle. You're right, it was never agreed to be exclusive but neither of us were with any other people while we were together (I wasn't, and I have to trust that she's telling the truth also). I'm surprised by her attitude, because while our relationship was uncommitted she was upfront that in the future she wanted marriage and family, as she was never married to her daughter's father. I'm not sure why her opinion has seemed to change in the last 8 weeks. It's hard to say what she really wants, one moment she's saying we're going to move in together, then next time it's "We won't necessarily be together because of a baby." I'm just hurt that a woman would be considering getting with another man while the bio dad is here and ready to give it his all.

 

I agree. At least you are around and want to be there for her and your baby which is probably more than she's used to.

 

Then again, if what you had was only casual then perhaps she never saw you as anything more than just a nice lay and having a baby doesn't change anything unfortunately. You can't always tell you heart what to feel.

 

Marriage is damn hard with the odds already stacked against couples even when the best scenarios are in place never mind an accidental pregnancy with someone you've bang on the side when you were bored and horny. Pushing for a long term commitment and especially marriage with someone who doesn't seem to see you as anything more than just another baby daddy isn't going to make for a happy ending no matter how you slice it.

 

I feel for you but I especially feel for your unborn child who is the innocent one here and who will inevitably be stuck in the middle of all the drama that's about to take over your life.

 

And I will ask again, how certain are you that this child is yours? Just because YOU weren't seeing anyone doesn't mean she wasn't. The fact that she's already on the prowl for another man WHILE pregnant and didn't bother to discuss it with you doesn't exactly scream discerning or honest.

 

Whatever you do, get a paternity test ASAP just to be sure.

Edited November 25, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[LargoLagg]

You love her and she doesn't love you. You're a sperm donor in her eyes, and whatever ideas you may have about having a family, they are not going to happen with this woman.

 

Had she not gotten pregnant, you'd be dating non-exclusively right now, and she's be open to dating and banging other guys. Her pregnancy may have changed that for you, but it doesn't appear to have changed a thing about that dynamic for her.

 

You might want to ask her why she even wants your baby since she's already got a child, and suggest that maybe you'd both be better off if she got knocked up by somebody else who doesn't really give a damn about her.

[SensitiveTJ]

I agree. At least you are around and want to be there for her and your baby which is probably more than she's used to.

 

Then again, if what you had was only casual then perhaps she never saw you as anything more than just a nice lay and having a baby doesn't change anything unfortunately. You can't always tell you heart what to feel.

 

Marriage is damn hard with the odds already stacked against couples even when the best scenarios are in place never mind an accidental pregnancy with someone you've bang on the side when you were bored and horny. Pushing for a long term commitment and especially marriage with someone who doesn't seem to see you as anything more than just another baby daddy isn't going to make for a happy ending no matter how you slice it.

 

I feel for you but I especially feel for your unborn child who is the innocent one here and who will inevitably be stuck in the middle of all the drama that's about to take over your life.

 

And I will ask again, how certain are you that this child is yours? Just because YOU weren't seeing anyone doesn't mean she wasn't. The fact that she's already on the prowl for another man WHILE pregnant and didn't bother to discuss it with you doesn't exactly scream discerning or honest.

 

Whatever you do, get a paternity test ASAP just to be sure.

 

I will get a paternity test after the baby is born. If she wants nothing to do with me after the birth, fine. I can live with that. Her mind is all over the place and it's pretty unclear what she even thinks of me. While we were never committed, she did tell me that she loved me when we were seeing each other and I told her the same. When she first called me with the news, six weeks ago, we both confessed that we still had feelings for each other, and she proposed we should move in together when the time comes.

 

Nowadays it seems to be a different story I'm not sure if that's pregnancy stress/hormones or what but it's making things tough. She's swung from one end of the spectrum to the other over the last couple weeks. I'm going to have to handle this very gently to get her back to thinking, "Ok maybe TJ and I will at least try to rekindle a romantic relationship." Because I seriously can't handle her sleeping with another guy with my baby in there.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I will get a paternity test after the baby is born. If she wants nothing to do with me after the birth, fine. I can live with that. Her mind is all over the place and it's pretty unclear what she even thinks of me. While we were never committed, she did tell me that she loved me when we were seeing each other and I told her the same. When she first called me with the news, six weeks ago, we both confessed that we still had feelings for each other, and she proposed we should move in together when the time comes.

 

Nowadays it seems to be a different story I'm not sure if that's pregnancy stress/hormones or what but it's making things tough. She's swung from one end of the spectrum to the other over the last couple weeks. I'm going to have to handle this very gently to get her back to thinking, "Ok maybe TJ and I will at least try to rekindle a romantic relationship." Because I seriously can't handle her sleeping with another guy with my baby in there.

 

Perhaps a bit off topic but if you loved each other then why not be exclusive? Why keep things so casual?

[Gloria25]

I appreciate your responses Michelle. You're right, it was never agreed to be exclusive but neither of us were with any other people while we were together (I wasn't, and I have to trust that she's telling the truth also). I'm surprised by her attitude, because while our relationship was uncommitted she was upfront that in the future she wanted marriage and family, as she was never married to her daughter's father. I'm not sure why her opinion has seemed to change in the last 8 weeks. It's hard to say what she really wants, one moment she's saying we're going to move in together, then next time it's "We won't necessarily be together because of a baby." I'm just hurt that a woman would be considering getting with another man while the bio dad is here and ready to give it his all.

 

If two people want commitment and a family, they do it in this order: date, engagement, marriage, kids.

 

See what happens when you don't do it in that order? Now you have someone carrying your child, who isn't commited to you and wants to sleep around. Next time, I can guarantee you that if you two were married before having a child, you not only would gave confirmation of her not wanting other men, but more security for your incoming child.

 

This thread just baffles my mind. How can a recently pregnant woman be open to dating other men?

 

Dude, I'm sorry, but she doesn't seem to want you and is so frivolous with her body.

 

Did you knock her up on purpose in hopes to tie her down?

[SensitiveTJ]

Perhaps a bit off topic but if you loved each other then why not be exclusive? Why keep things so casual?

 

Michelle if we had more time together, I am sure K and I would have reached that point but I made a terrible decision. I left her and went back to an ex-girlfriend for about a week. I now realize that this may have been the biggest mistake of my life and I dropped the ex as soon as K said she was pregnant. I am praying every night that K can forgive me and we can rebuild what we had. I look at some of the pictures we took together and the feelings on our faces were genuine-I will do anything it takes to fix this.

[SensitiveTJ]

If two people want commitment and a family, they do it in this order: date, engagement, marriage, kids.

 

See what happens when you don't do it in that order? Now you have someone carrying your child, who isn't commited to you and wants to sleep around. Next time, I can guarantee you that if you two were married before having a child, you not only would gave confirmation of her not wanting other men, but more security for your incoming child.

 

This thread just baffles my mind. How can a recently pregnant woman be open to dating other men?

 

Dude, I'm sorry, but she doesn't seem to want you and is so frivolous with her body.

 

Did you knock her up on purpose in hopes to tie her down?

 

Hi Gloria, thanks for jumping in. No, this pregnancy was entirely accidental and a bit puzzling. While we didn't use a condom (idiotic, I know), she says she was on birth control and I was on medication which drastically reduces sperm count. So it was quite a shock when I got the news. And before anyone says it, I already have many people telling me it may not be my baby. There's no way to know right now.

 

 

As to how a pregnant women can drop the bio dad and look for other men, I have no idea. All my female friends are literally repulsed by this concept, so I must have a special girl on my hands.

[Whoahh25]

I've read both your post about this topic...have you ever stopped to think maybe the baby isn't yours, since this girl seems to want nothing to do with you?? Also if you deleted your dating profile how in the world would you know she hasn't unless you either looked or she told you?

[Timshel]

Michelle if we had more time together, I am sure K and I would have reached that point but I made a terrible decision. I left her and went back to an ex-girlfriend for about a week. I now realize that this may have been the biggest mistake of my life and I dropped the ex as soon as K said she was pregnant. I am praying every night that K can forgive me and we can rebuild what we had. I look at some of the pictures we took together and the feelings on our faces were genuine-I will do anything it takes to fix this.

 

 

Are you sure she is pregnant?

[SensitiveTJ]

I've read both your post about this topic...have you ever stopped to think maybe the baby isn't yours, since this girl seems to want nothing to do with you?? Also if you deleted your dating profile how in the world would you know she hasn't unless you either looked or she told you?

 

 

I created a dummy account to see if she was still active on the site. At that time, I was not certain if I believed that she was actually pregnant and being on a dating site seemed like proof she wasn't. Of course, she just told me that she doesn't see any issue with pregnant women dating so that may be irrelevant.

 

 

As to whether it's my baby, I have no idea. I haven't even broached that subject as I can't even get her to talk to me regularly much less agree to a paternity test. That will have to wait until the birth of a child.

[SensitiveTJ]

Are you sure she is pregnant?

 

 

How sure can any man be a woman is pregnant in the first trimester? She hasn't wanted to see me since this all began. An ultrasound isn't scheduled for another 2-3 weeks. All I have is a positive home pregnancy test from a cell phone pic and what she's told me over the last six weeks with doctor's visits, emotional ups and downs, illness, etc.

 

I'm hoping to see her this weekend or next, but I'm trying not to obsess over all of this and continue living a semi-normal life. But being out of the loop is taking its toll on me.

[Timshel]

TJ, you have let her know that you are supportive and wish to remain so through out her pregnancy.

 

My advice would be to not continue to pursue her at this time. She is, at the least, manipulative.

 

I would also suggest that since neither of you are currently exclusive (your ex,) her continued dating...wrap it if you become sexually involved with her again.

A blood test should already have been performed by her ob/gyn to establish pregnancy. That she is reporting appointments yet leaving you out as the biological dad (who wants to participate) is questionable.

 

https://www.cnyfertility.com/fertility-treatments/in-vitro-fertilization/establishing-pregnancy/

 

She may at this time be pregnant with your child or she may be pissed that you went back to your ex.

Simple facts must be determined before you spin your self into oblivion.

 

1. She is pregnant

2. That you are the biological father

 

So far, what you know is that she says she is pregnant, refuses to include you and insists that dating and having sex with other men are acceptable to her.

 

Back off and if she comes to you, accompany her to a doctor and when the child is born or before, have a dna test.

[Timshel]

Sorry about the link, too late to edit. If she has been to the dr. she has had a blood test done.

Regardless of any link, confirm pregnancy and for heaven's sake...if the level of communication is any arbiter of future interactions involving a child....please get it together.

[SensitiveTJ]

I'm a trainwreck again this morning. She texted me in the middle of the night saying she was having "sharp pains in the stomach." Obviously I'm thinking miscarriage. The idea that she can text me stuff like that and I can't contact her for any reason really hurts. This is a bad way to live.

[spiderowl]

Whatever has happened before (and going back to an ex when starting a relationship with a different girl is a big no-no), she shouldn't only contact you when she feels like it and leave you dangling like this. She is probably not thinking clearly about the impact it is having on you, only on her own troubles. She is facing a lot if she is pregnant. She sounds very mixed up.

 

I think you need to wait until you have confirmation she is pregnant before anything else.

 

I would respond to her supportively but not ask anything of her at this point. If you do, she will see you as (a) trying to get back involved; (b) interfering. You don't want to be seen as either really. Trying to get back involved means she can mess you about. You have shown her enough recently for her to know you want to get back together. I would sit back and wait now until she starts to contact you and above all respond to you. It's simply rude on her part to tell you things yet not respond if you contact her.

 

One thing at the back of her mind (if she isn't behaving as stupidly as it sounds) could be that she thinks you are only interested in her again because of the potential baby. I think you need to think about that one. You left her once for an ex - why the resurgence of interest in her? You would need to reassure her you are interested in her, not just in being a daddy.

 

Good luck!

[SensitiveTJ]

Whatever has happened before (and going back to an ex when starting a relationship with a different girl is a big no-no), she shouldn't only contact you when she feels like it and leave you dangling like this. She is probably not thinking clearly about the impact it is having on you, only on her own troubles. She is facing a lot if she is pregnant. She sounds very mixed up.

 

I think you need to wait until you have confirmation she is pregnant before anything else.

 

I would respond to her supportively but not ask anything of her at this point. If you do, she will see you as (a) trying to get back involved; (b) interfering. You don't want to be seen as either really. Trying to get back involved means she can mess you about. You have shown her enough recently for her to know you want to get back together. I would sit back and wait now until she starts to contact you and above all respond to you. It's simply rude on her part to tell you things yet not respond if you contact her.

 

One thing at the back of her mind (if she isn't behaving as stupidly as it sounds) could be that she thinks you are only interested in her again because of the potential baby. I think you need to think about that one. You left her once for an ex - why the resurgence of interest in her? You would need to reassure her you are interested in her, not just in being a daddy.

 

Good luck!

 

There is supposedly an ultrasound happening sometime in the next 2-3 weeks, so if I am invited to that I will have proof that she is pregnant. I think you're right in that I need to lay low until that happens, but it's hard. On repairing our relationship, I've had a lot of time to do soul-searching on why I ran away from a good thing. I've been abandoned by a lot of people in my life, and as a result I choose bad relationships over good sometimes because I know those people have less power to hurt me. That's why I went back to the ex. I hope I get a chance to explain these things to her.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If two people want commitment and a family, they do it in this order: date, engagement, marriage, kids.

 

See what happens when you don't do it in that order? Now you have someone carrying your child, who isn't commited to you and wants to sleep around. Next time, I can guarantee you that if you two were married before having a child, you not only would gave confirmation of her not wanting other men, but more security for your incoming child.

 

This thread just baffles my mind. How can a recently pregnant woman be open to dating other men?

 

Dude, I'm sorry, but she doesn't seem to want you and is so frivolous with her body.

 

Did you knock her up on purpose in hopes to tie her down?

 

Brutal but bang on. And this goes for both sexes in terms of having a child with someone not ready to be committed.

 

And I'm sorry, but if you're dating someone (male or female) who has children out of wedlock with multiple people, you need to pump the breaks even harder or at least until you know their situation better before getting involved with them. We have enough innocent children on the planet who are caught in the cross hairs of immature parents. Wrap it up!!!