I have huge crush on my co-worker / Need to get over it

[Fruitee]

I have know this man for over 3 years. We work together almost daily. We never spent any free time together. But if we e.g. travel for work we share cabs and talk during flights. Lately I feel like he has been around more e.g. having lunch at same time and coming to same table with me. Or randomly stopping by my room at work.

 

He is married with child. I would never ever break his marriage. But I thought about telling him to stop being so friendly towards me and more professional so I dont get any ideas.

 

I need to get over him. I have been so professional as possible. I even change my sitting place so I dont have to see him daily.

 

I try to talk only work related things.

 

But I have had this crush for 3 years and its not going away. I dont know what he thinks. He has mentioned side lines Im good looking. And supported me at work. Also had my back. He never touched me or anything. But once we met off site and when he saw me his face just light up. No one looked at me like that at work.

 

I need serious help. I have come to conclusion its safe for me to crush on him since its never going anywhere. But its really annoying. I dont want to ruin my work stuff over this. But also I cannot stop dreaming of him. I have dated others etc.

 

Pls help.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Fruitee

[Midwestmissy]

You need to put boundaries in place. Crushing on him in your head is fine - even fun - as long as that's where it stays. You need to view him as another coworker. If things progress, people will know and lose respect for you in your work. And coworkers always know,trust me. If you love your job, then carry on. If he's married and flirting with you then He's a jerk and why would you want himanyway.

[Fruitee]

I have been trying to view him as another coworker and he never flirted with me nor I with him. But sometimes we do talk about some other things too than just work. During those times I feel like we are friends.

[l8estnews]

I have been trying to view him as another coworker and he never flirted with me nor I with him. But sometimes we do talk about some other things too than just work. During those times I feel like we are friends.

 

I am very glad that you have great values and self-restraint that you are capable of choosing the right thing despite great temptations, and for that alone I salute you... I hope you continue that, though.

 

As for help, you really have to detach yourself from him. This is where it gets tricky, since you have a huge crush on him, as much as possible, you don't want to do anything that will make him see you as aloof, or anything of bad light. Him finally staying away from you will make you cling for him.

 

But that strength alone will come to you and not us. We can say "Stay away from him, don not go further" yada yada, but at the end of the day, you alone will have to have the strength to say no to temptation.

 

And I hope, you do the right thing. Even if this will be one of the hardest thing you will ever do.

[surferchic]

Hey OP. I feel your frustration. I have a crush on my Boss.... which is maybe worse because I definitely have to see and interact with him and stay super professional.

 

Question. Is really necessary to interact with your coworker as much as you do currently? I only ask because I think it would be wise to 1) limit your interaction 2) if you're comfortable enough with him make some sort of statement in a serious but light hearted way, along the lines of "I'm good doing xyz independently. Really, I'm good and prefer it. Thnx though. "

 

Otherwise, I don't see why you both NEED to be catching cabs together, working so closely, etc. Unless you're in a team or he's your partner on some sort of case or project.

 

Also, be mindful that some married men intentionally put out this free spirited energy either because they have an open relationship or they are just waiting for a woman to give them the free light to flirt or have an affair.

 

You have to decide what you're willing to deal with. Ethically and emotionally...

[Gloria25]

I don't know...

 

Maybe all you "think" you're seeing (i.e. him looking at you, etc.) is just cuz you have a crush on him, so things that he probably does with everyone seem unique to you in your eyes.

 

I mean, nothing wrong with complementing people. Nothing wrong with smiling and being around people.

 

Now, lemme play devil's advocate. Let's say yeah, secretly he has the hots for you. He's married with a child...period.

 

I think some shock therapy is due here. Do you guys have a company event? Like with the holidays coming up and stuff? Then, you need to go and hopefully he comes with his wife and/or kid and when you "see" the reality of him having a wife and kids, hopefully it'll chill your crush.

 

See, crushes are made out to be more than we think they are and/or linger so long cuz a lot of people don't act on them. They sit around building up fantasies of what that person may be like.

 

So far, seems like that's what you're doing. You're took a small attraction to another person and blew it up - which is easy to develop in the workplace cuz unlike dating (where you go on a few dates and try to create chemistry and/or get to know someone) at the work place it's easier and you have so many people to choose from to connect with.

 

I have another shock therapy for you. Go by his office/cubicle (preferably when he's not there). Look at pictures of his wife and kid. Again, you gotta SEE the reality here - he's married with a kid.

 

Last shock therapy. Chat him up. Ask him about a work project or something - but don't do it to fuel the attraction you have...do it to get him to talk about his wife and family. Like complement the picture of him and his wife and kid. Again, by you getting him to tell you how wonderful his wife and kid is - hopefully you'll get turned off and brought back to earth. Again, remember, crushes are so built up cuz people don't act on them. Sometimes once you get the courage to chat up the person you realize they pick their nose and aren't so hot. You get to see them as not Superman, but an average Joe, just like you and me and that diminishes the anxiety and crush. But yea, sometimes you chat them up and get even more hooked if there is really chemistry there - don't to that with him.

[Satu]

He should be putting all his every into his wife and marriage.

 

He's not as wholesome as you might think.

 

In fact, I think there's a little rot under the surface.

 

 

Take care.

[Fruitee]

I am very glad that you have great values and self-restraint that you are capable of choosing the right thing despite great temptations, and for that alone I salute you... I hope you continue that, though.

 

As for help, you really have to detach yourself from him. This is where it gets tricky, since you have a huge crush on him, as much as possible, you don't want to do anything that will make him see you as aloof, or anything of bad light. Him finally staying away from you will make you cling for him.

 

But that strength alone will come to you and not us. We can say "Stay away from him, don not go further" yada yada, but at the end of the day, you alone will have to have the strength to say no to temptation.

 

And I hope, you do the right thing. Even if this will be one of the hardest thing you will ever do.

 

Well it wont be one of the hardest things I have done. Not even close. And I am pretty sure he has seen my good side and my bad side. I dont feel like Im clinging for him. I just want to get rid of this crush. Its kind of embarrassing for me.

 

Hey OP. I feel your frustration. I have a crush on my Boss.... which is maybe worse because I definitely have to see and interact with him and stay super professional.

 

Question. Is really necessary to interact with your coworker as much as you do currently? I only ask because I think it would be wise to 1) limit your interaction 2) if you're comfortable enough with him make some sort of statement in a serious but light hearted way, along the lines of "I'm good doing xyz independently. Really, I'm good and prefer it. Thnx though. "

 

Otherwise, I don't see why you both NEED to be catching cabs together, working so closely, etc. Unless you're in a team or he's your partner on some sort of case or project.

 

Also, be mindful that some married men intentionally put out this free spirited energy either because they have an open relationship or they are just waiting for a woman to give them the free light to flirt or have an affair.

 

You have to decide what you're willing to deal with. Ethically and emotionally...

 

We work together. We are part of same team. We do similar tasks. And if we attend same meeting we have to share a cab etc. Of course when ever I can I keep my distance. But it would be easier if we didnt work in same team. I have given him some rights / access to systems so he dont have to come to me always but he can do the job independently.

 

I dont think he has open relationship and I dont think he is prone to cheat. Im pretty sure he would have done it already if thats what he wanted.

 

I don't know...

 

Maybe all you "think" you're seeing (i.e. him looking at you, etc.) is just cuz you have a crush on him, so things that he probably does with everyone seem unique to you in your eyes.

 

I mean, nothing wrong with complementing people. Nothing wrong with smiling and being around people.

 

Now, lemme play devil's advocate. Let's say yeah, secretly he has the hots for you. He's married with a child...period.

 

I think some shock therapy is due here. Do you guys have a company event? Like with the holidays coming up and stuff? Then, you need to go and hopefully he comes with his wife and/or kid and when you "see" the reality of him having a wife and kids, hopefully it'll chill your crush.

 

See, crushes are made out to be more than we think they are and/or linger so long cuz a lot of people don't act on them. They sit around building up fantasies of what that person may be like.

 

So far, seems like that's what you're doing. You're took a small attraction to another person and blew it up - which is easy to develop in the workplace cuz unlike dating (where you go on a few dates and try to create chemistry and/or get to know someone) at the work place it's easier and you have so many people to choose from to connect with.

 

I have another shock therapy for you. Go by his office/cubicle (preferably when he's not there). Look at pictures of his wife and kid. Again, you gotta SEE the reality here - he's married with a kid.

 

Last shock therapy. Chat him up. Ask him about a work project or something - but don't do it to fuel the attraction you have...do it to get him to talk about his wife and family. Like complement the picture of him and his wife and kid. Again, by you getting him to tell you how wonderful his wife and kid is - hopefully you'll get turned off and brought back to earth. Again, remember, crushes are so built up cuz people don't act on them. Sometimes once you get the courage to chat up the person you realize they pick their nose and aren't so hot. You get to see them as not Superman, but an average Joe, just like you and me and that diminishes the anxiety and crush. But yea, sometimes you chat them up and get even more hooked if there is really chemistry there - don't to that with him.

 

I know about his wife and kid. We talk about them too. I have seen pictures. Asked him how the family is and so on. He has talked about his kid and wife to me. So I dont really need that type of shock therapy. Only if he got divorced I would say something to him. I have known him over 3 years so I know some what about him.

 

He should be putting all his every into his wife and marriage.

 

He's not as wholesome as you might think.

 

In fact, I think there's a little rot under the surface.

 

 

Take care.

 

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