When is enough enough? When to give up?

[Redguitar35]

We've all read about the usefulness of taking breaks from dating, especially after a series of negative dating experiences. But I'm wondering at what point does one simply give up forever and decide they're not dating or relationship material? If the person struggles meeting people in real life and struggles with online dating, when's an appropriate time to say "this just won't happen for me, I'll should get used to being alone forever?" Isn't the fact that dating and relationships seem like an uphill climb evidence that the person is fighting against their destiny, even if that destiny is being forever single?

[smackie9]

Use this time to reflect on what you can do to change or improve of yourself. Get an honest opinion from a female friend.

[ZA Dater]

We've all read about the usefulness of taking breaks from dating, especially after a series of negative dating experiences. But I'm wondering at what point does one simply give up forever and decide they're not dating or relationship material? If the person struggles meeting people in real life and struggles with online dating, when's an appropriate time to say "this just won't happen for me, I'll should get used to being alone forever?" Isn't the fact that dating and relationships seem like an uphill climb evidence that the person is fighting against their destiny, even if that destiny is being forever single?

 

It really depends on what will make you feel happy. Would getting rid of the negativity improve your life.

[Buddhist]

I gave up, not out of frustration but because I lost the desire for relationship. It happened naturally and was just like waking up one day and no longer caring if I met someone or not. I had other priorities. I think that is the point at which you give up. When the desire truly isn't there. If you give up out of frustration then it will lead to bitterness and envy as you suppress a desire that you're pretending does not exist, when it does.

[Larryville]

Isn't the fact that dating and relationships seem like an uphill climb evidence that the person is fighting against their destiny, even if that destiny is being forever single?

 

For me I just fundamentally know that nobody is every going to fill the dynamic in my life like my wives did, but I was much younger, different person.

 

I mentioned in another thread that I am perpetually comparing past relationships with those I meet now.

 

I’ve been single for so long now and so use to being on my own that when I am with someone I grow tired of them quickly and engage in what some call “unintentional relationship sabotage” The “uphill climb” as you put it is more about me and my issues and I am finally starting to admit that. If I don’t change the “me” of today, I’m never going to be with anyone.

 

Exactly why what Smack says here is important.

 

Use this time to reflect on what you can do to change or improve of yourself.

 

Is critical if you actually DO want to be in a relationship.

 

This is pretty much the “me” of today…

 

I gave up, not out of frustration but because I lost the desire for relationship. It happened naturally and was just like waking up one day and no longer caring if I met someone or not.

 

Some days I do wish I was with someone to do something fun and to enjoy someone’s company, sharing discovering, whatever, but then it passes.

 

It will take someone to absolutely knock my socks off to keep my attention, to motivate me.

 

But now I go on OLD sites (I’m only on one at the moment) and browse thru profile after profile and think… why bother. I just don’t care anymore. All I see are flawed people, flawed pics, flawed profiles. Again more about me than it is them. I'm slowly getting to old to be able to shake it off these days...

[Crescendo]

I would have to say the same thing. You probably won't know it...it'll just happen. You won't even realize it. I was single years before I met my ex. It just happened. I didn't care what women thought of me as: friend, FWB, seasonal BF, etc., because in the end I knew I wasn't trying to pursue it anyways.

 

I think once I get out of the current storm I'm in. It'll be the same way. I have other things to work on. Trying to prove to a lady how great of a guy I am and she still not get it can be a waste of time. At the end, people like what they like.

[Buddhist]

I've discovered that all the things I enjoyed the most about relationships was actually just the companionship and friendship within it. I can have that without romantic entanglements and I can have that with any many different people as I like without the need to justify anything. I can also go about my life in the manner I prefer without needing to bend and contort myself in order to fit into someone else's life, social life, career ambitions etc. People can come and go from my life with ease now and these kinds of relationships are fulfilling to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

If the person struggles meeting people in real life and struggles with online dating, when's an appropriate time to say "this just won't happen for me, I'll should get used to being alone forever?"

 

I think you've got to change the arena you're playing in. Bars and OLD draw a specific clientele, might certainly not be your type.

 

When I was single (before the rise of OLD), I met the most desireable women in sports, volunteer groups, political organizations, book clubs, hiking groups, etc.

 

You may simply be looking in the wrong places...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Redguitar35]

It really depends on what will make you feel happy. Would getting rid of the negativity improve your life.

 

I gave up, not out of frustration but because I lost the desire for relationship. It happened naturally and was just like waking up one day and no longer caring if I met someone or not. I had other priorities. I think that is the point at which you give up. When the desire truly isn't there. If you give up out of frustration then it will lead to bitterness and envy as you suppress a desire that you're pretending does not exist, when it does.

 

I think you both are correct. The closest thing I had to a serious girlfriend -- a year long relationship seven years ago -- she was a great companion. We did everything together. Those were some of the happiest days I can remember. I think if I gave up all hope of ever finding that again, I would certainly become bitter. But the search is making me frustrated also.

[Redguitar35]

I think you've got to change the arena you're playing in. Bars and OLD draw a specific clientele, might certainly not be your type.

 

When I was single (before the rise of OLD), I met the most desireable women in sports, volunteer groups, political organizations, book clubs, hiking groups, etc.

 

You may simply be looking in the wrong places...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree, but finding those other places and groups in real life is a challenge.

[Gaeta]

Single 10 years, actively searched for almost 4 of them. I never gave up. I knew more doors I knocked on more chances one would open. It's the law of randomness. You can throw those dice 2 times and get a double or you may need to throw those dice 100 times before getting a double. One thing certain you will get a double if you keep on throwing. It was my logic.

 

Yes I found, after 200 meeting and 4 years searching.

[Springsummer]

I gave up, not out of frustration but because I lost the desire for relationship. It happened naturally and was just like waking up one day and no longer caring if I met someone or not. I had other priorities. I think that is the point at which you give up. When the desire truly isn't there. If you give up out of frustration then it will lead to bitterness and envy as you suppress a desire that you're pretending does not exist, when it does.

 

Yes, yes...very well...but deep down you still long for connection and love, otherwise, why are you in this forum? and talking in this very topic? over and over again? just to illuminate others?

 

I wish I could achieve your state of mind too...only I could believe you truly achieved.

[Springsummer]

Single 10 years, actively searched for almost 4 of them. I never gave up. I knew more doors I knocked on more chances one would open. It's the law of randomness. You can throw those dice 2 times and get a double or you may need to throw those dice 100 times before getting a double. One thing certain you will get a double if you keep on throwing. It was my logic.

 

Yes I found, after 200 meeting and 4 years searching.

 

My lord...I remember another woman in this forum has similar stat too.

 

you ladies are remarkable. I probably want to give up after 2.

[Gaeta]

My lord...I remember another woman in this forum has similar stat too.

 

you ladies are remarkable. I probably want to give up after 2.

 

And the beauty of things is he was worth all that wait. I think I appreciate him so much because of the hard work it was to find him. If I had met him 4 years ago I probably would have passed him. I needed many disappointments and many fails to finally learn to recognize a good man when I meet one.

[No_Go]

When you decide you're happier single? I'm absolutely convinced there is no reason anyone to be unable to find a partner... unless they just don't want to do it.

 

Just go outside of your typical preference - little flexing goes a long way.

 

 

We've all read about the usefulness of taking breaks from dating, especially after a series of negative dating experiences. But I'm wondering at what point does one simply give up forever and decide they're not dating or relationship material? If the person struggles meeting people in real life and struggles with online dating, when's an appropriate time to say "this just won't happen for me, I'll should get used to being alone forever?" Isn't the fact that dating and relationships seem like an uphill climb evidence that the person is fighting against their destiny, even if that destiny is being forever single?

[Springsummer]

And the beauty of things is he was worth all that wait. I think I appreciate him so much because of the hard work it was to find him. If I had met him 4 years ago I probably would have passed him. I needed many disappointments and many fails to finally learn to recognize a good man when I meet one.

 

wow...can't imagine anyone worth that much effort.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Springsummer

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree, but finding those other places and groups in real life is a challenge.

 

Google is your friend. I had my son 3 nights a week, there were enough activities the other 4 I could have stayed busy every day.

 

Join a sports league - tennis, volleyball, softball, all have co-ed versions, they'll place you on a team. Call your local Barnes/Noble, there's a different discussion group every night. And don't get me started on politics, they'll keep you busy 24 hours a day - and in a sexually charged environment.

 

In each case, surrounded by real-life interesting women. It's not that hard, just have to be willing to put yourself out there, there's a yin for your yang...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gaeta]

wow...can't imagine anyone worth that much effort.

 

Maybe that's why you are not meeting anyone special, because you don't believe in it.

[Toodaloo]

I agree, but finding those other places and groups in real life is a challenge.

 

So ask about and use google. Read the local paper and read local news.

 

Got into RDA via word of mouth and the Homeless drop in via a small little thing in a newsletter that was hanging about.

 

Yoga was through a friend. Googled dance classes.

 

Its not that hard. Look for your local community centres and look at their booking sheet. Ask people at work or friends if they know anyone who may know. Heck post on facebook that you are looking and someone may know someone else who can point you in the right direction...

 

I have just googled volunteer and my local town and its come up with all sorts of things from rehoming cats to feeding the homeless and clearing up the local countryside...

 

I googled Tennis lessons and found loads locally.

 

Fencing lessons I would have to drive an hour to sadly...

 

So the question is more - what do you want to do today? Rather than it not being out there to do...

 

OLD is a special kind of meeting people. You have to be very tough to do it and you have to take everything with a pinch of salt until you have got to know someone. There really is no substitute for time.

 

I am not really a bar kind of person so I don't go. But I meet loads of people through my charity work and the fun things I do... Just how it goes I guess.

 

So get up and get out. Quit thinking that OLD is the only tool - its not. And quit thinking so much about finding a relationship. Instead fill your life with people you enjoy spending time with. Makes it much easier in the long run.

[Springsummer]

Maybe that's why you are not meeting anyone special, because you don't believe in it.

 

I thought I met someone very special...a Montreal guy who speak my native language and seems very nice and educated. I thought he liked me too(guess I was just too sensitive?)...but now I don't think he can recall who I am. Yes, what makes me think a guy who meets women constantly(didn't know that though, now I know this fact) will remember me?

 

I am not special to him, in fact a nobody. so why should I think he is special to me? After all these years. It's just a joke and a dream. I don't know what to believe anymore.