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Friends? I think not. [affair partner wanting to be friends with betrayed?]


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If you are a bs who had contact ( wanted or unwanted) with your ws's ow/om after the A ended, did they ever make an offer of friendship to you, or do something equally odd?

 

I'm not really talking about the kids of things people do when they are hurting and lashing out. I'm talking more about something that makes you scratch your head and wonder just what they were thinking.

 

It's been a long time, but one of the things I first heard from my H's ex-ow was an email message. It said something along the lines of she wanted to be my friend, and if I ever needed any advice or had any problems, I could call or message her.

 

I don't think she was being snarky, but that just makes no sense. Why would I want to be her friend? Even after all this time, that statement has puzzled me. Was she that out of touch that she thought I would want to hang out with her?

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If you are a bs who had contact ( wanted or unwanted) with your ws's ow/om after the A ended, did they ever make an offer of friendship to you, or do something equally odd?

 

I'm not really talking about the kids of things people do when they are hurting and lashing out. I'm talking more about something that makes you scratch your head and wonder just what they were thinking.

 

It's been a long time, but one of the things I first heard from my H's ex-ow was an email message. It said something along the lines of she wanted to be my friend, and if I ever needed any advice or had any problems, I could call or message her.

 

I don't think she was being snarky, but that just makes no sense. Why would I want to be her friend? Even after all this time, that statement has puzzled me. Was she that out of touch that she thought I would want to hang out with her?

 

 

 

Maybe ease her conscience

 

 

Maybe be worm her way back into WH life

 

 

Best to ignore and block and change your email and phone number

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She may not have malicious intentions, but in such a circumstance where there is a percentage of risk, I'd prefer to avoid the risk.

 

My 6yr guy? I liked his live-in, baby's mama in some ways. We literally graduated from the same high school and like me, she was independent, professional, kick-butt woman. So yeah, I wouldn't mind shooting the breeze with her.

 

But nah, I have endless drama from sorry, envious women I work with - whom are not on my radar and/or I even met their men. Imagine trying to become beasties with someone who wanted to steal your man :confused:

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A friend of mine became quite close to her husbands affair partner.

 

Not "friends" but close.

 

It was really weird.

 

But then she found out that the OW had been deceived just as much as she had and that she was trying to cut it off and her husband was reeling her back in every time...

 

Affair has stopped. So they don't talk much. Its not a friendship as such more a comrade... They both survived and got through when they both had their hearts broken and delusions shattered...

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Yeah, not so much...

 

While I am not proud of this, much, but after I put him in the hospital he stayed as far from me as he could get.

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Yes, the OW wanted to take me out for drinks bc she wanted to date my brother...she happened to be with a group of people, that were invited to my brother's house for a party. When my brother found out who she was, he kicked her out immediately (on his own, I honestly could have cared a less). So how she thought she had a chance, I have no idea.

 

I kind of felt even worse for her after that bc no one with a proper head on her shoulders would think that way.

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Yes, the OW wanted to take me out for drinks bc she wanted to date my brother...she happened to be with a group of people, that were invited to my brother's house for a party. When my brother found out who she was, he kicked her out immediately (on his own, I honestly could have cared a less). So how she thought she had a chance, I have no idea.

 

I kind of felt even worse for her after that bc no one with a proper head on her shoulders would think that way.

 

Oh gosh, the OW in your situation wanted so badly to 'keep it in the family':lmao:

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gettingstronger

She follows me on Pinterest- does that count? You can not block anyone on Pinterest so I just stopped pinning-she would re-pin my pins with "I love this"

ummm..... OK-

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She follows me on Pinterest- does that count? You can not block anyone on Pinterest so I just stopped pinning-she would re-pin my pins with "I love this"

ummm..... OK-

 

Now, that's just creepy....

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I think it's not uncommon for APs to seek out some moderate form of amiability to minimize their guilt.

 

"See, it wasn't such a bad thing. We're even pals now."

 

Honestly, I think that's all it is.

 

It's rather remarkable the extent to which people will go to rationalize their behavior.

 

During my (ex)wife's affair, she and the OM's dynamic wasn't one of love for each other but empathy for their poor marriages. My wife said she would frequently scold the OM if he hadn't had sex with his wife that week. In their minds, they were actually helping one another with their marriages. Of course, I found it interesting that it also involved twice weekly romps in a local hotel.

 

My wife actually ramped up our sex life during the affair. It went from once every few months to twice a week. It definitely threw me off any thoughts that she was having an affair. I actually thought we had turned a corner.

 

Silly me.

 

Don't be silly.

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Wow..... I already had the fun of telling her to take a F'ing hike and never contact either of us again.

 

The best is when she tried to "tell me about him" I felt like screaming you DUMB B***** you really believe all those lies?

 

Try to be friends? What the hell is wrong with people?

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Try to be friends? What the hell is wrong with people?

 

Quite a lot sometimes, which is why they think that breaking up relationships is OK. Why they can't wait until the relationship is over anyway I have no idea.

 

I think in the case of my friend, it was my friend who informed the OW that her "love" was actually married. The OW was horrified but by that point was stuck and in love with my friends husband. Despite all that as soon as she found out she worked really hard to break it off with my friends husband. It was not easy for her at all.

 

So while not friends... they had a sort of respect for each other.

 

Had the OW known he was married with children at home before my friend told her I doubt that they would have supported each other through it... It would be a different story entirely.

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If you are a bs who had contact ( wanted or unwanted) with your ws's ow/om after the A ended, did they ever make an offer of friendship to you, or do something equally odd?

 

I'm not really talking about the kids of things people do when they are hurting and lashing out. I'm talking more about something that makes you scratch your head and wonder just what they were thinking.

 

It's been a long time, but one of the things I first heard from my H's ex-ow was an email message. It said something along the lines of she wanted to be my friend, and if I ever needed any advice or had any problems, I could call or message her.

 

I don't think she was being snarky, but that just makes no sense. Why would I want to be her friend? Even after all this time, that statement has puzzled me. Was she that out of touch that she thought I would want to hang out with her?

 

Perhaps she felt sorry for you? Reading some of the posts on the OW board it seems that quite a few OW do feel sorry for the BW. Maybe she genuinely thought your life was so miserable you could use a friend - any friend, including her?

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I got that letter too. She wanted us all to get together. ?!?! My opinion is that the mow in our lives was pretty intent on not being viewed as a bad person. She wanted to be nice. Not kind, kind would have been not ***ing my wh. But nice is just a veneer. She wrote the letter, so she's a good person - see? Written proof. On to the next task of the day. I think it's also a female thing. I've not heard of a lot oms sending notes like that out.

 

Manipulative people put feelers out for potential marks. Had I responded with anything, it would have shown her that her message got my attention and now she had opened the door a bit. I was raised by a manipulator, so I get it. The image is everything. If they can get you to believe what they're saying, then they are in the drivers seat. Their words don't have to be true, just convincing. They're believed, so the work is done. No follow through.

 

This mow was often telling my wh - in hotel rooms - that they were good people, and that their screwing didn't make them bad people. Not the kind of foreplay I'd be hoping for, but insightful. And yes, I totally see that my wh was manipulating me worse than anyone. He was very convinced of her enthusiastic "goodness" and I was a speed bump on his way to that attention. And that "nice" attention was worth lying to me for.

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Not sure if the same thing, but we are years past the affair, I am married to him, and we comingle with his ex as well as my ex. My ex we are actually quite friendly/friends and do hang out with the families. With my husband's ex, we do kid events together and get a long fine. I think there may be a time in the future will be closer as it seems to go in that direction though I am not sure either of us could say friends. Ultimately I struggle with how I could be friends with her without a very sincere apology and how do I apologize for something where I am still obviously acting in my own interest - married to him?

 

So, no I have never asked to be friends but we do talk and get along.

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I am xOW. There was no Dday.

 

As strange as it may sound, yes it actually does make "some" sense on some level. But before I put out my take on it, may I first suggest that the entire "affair" business from the start to the end is filled with conundrums and irrational and illogical senseless human behaviors. It's a bit fruitless to try to make any sense of anybody's behaviors during/after an affair for all parties involved.

 

Now, back to the question asked. In addition to the other suggestions, these are some possible explanations i can think of:

 

1. Remorse: Like most/many of us OWs, long after the affair is over, we are shocked/horrified and puzzled by our own actions. Once the fog is lifted, the self awareness and self realization is nothing but a different kind of a humiliating and numbing trauma. It's possible, that she, out of regret, guilt, self-hate, and remorse is trying to reach out the "victim" in an attempt to forgive herself.

 

2. Empathy: She may in some weird way, empathize with you or even identify with you, as she may feel that your H used and betrayed the trust of both women and used both you and her for his manipulative selfish needs. So, this reaching out may be a sign of her trying to "relate" to the emotional pain she is feeling. You must have read many times here on LS, OWs saying "I feel bad for the BW".

 

3. Self-punishment: Putting herself out there in front of you, as humiliating and puzzling as it sounds is a way to acknowledge her role, instead of hiding from you.

 

But, yes, it simply also could be what some other posters said--she may be being manipulative or vindictive, as well.

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I am unfamiliar with your story sorry, but does the OW, know, that you know, that she is the OW?

Or does she think she is in the clear, ie thinking he never told you who he was having the affair with?

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Perhaps she felt sorry for you? Reading some of the posts on the OW board it seems that quite a few OW do feel sorry for the BW. Maybe she genuinely thought your life was so miserable you could use a friend - any friend, including her?

 

Um yeah, that sounds about right:rolleyes:

 

While she was doing this, behind my back,s he was trying to convince my spouse I was cheating on him.

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I am unfamiliar with your story sorry, but does the OW, know, that you know, that she is the OW?

Or does she think she is in the clear, ie thinking he never told you who he was having the affair with?

 

A bit of background...

 

The whole relationship between the two of them, from the day he first met her, lasted a couple of months. The A, a few weeks.

 

She had been posted in form another base, and they worked together. She'd hurt her leg, and couldn't drive for a few weeks,and since she lived a few streets over, his warrant asked if he could drive her ( i saw the email form him when it came, as we shared the same email address at the time).

 

The few week long A ended, and he sent her a message that I saw, which apologized to her, aid the A was over, etc. She sent me "the email with the "let''s be friends,you can come to me for marriage advice" etc.

 

My husband deployed for several months a few days later, and that is when the weird emails from her started. She'd go on about how she was going to hurt herself and it was my fault, that she thought I was a great person, that she thought I was awful, etc. She'd sit outside our house in her car, watching me and our kids play out int he yard. She approached us while we were out shopping and said something to our kids about their dad being gone and that he might not come back and made them cry. She sent him an "anonymous" email telling him I was cheating on him ( I most certainly was not) and more. It kept on until his COC had to get involved to get her to stop. It actually took legal assistance and her being posted away to end her behavior. It did, for a few years.

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There's no way she would want to be my friend. She wanted him to have nothing to do with me, no relationship whatsoever. No alimony, no helping with anything. No friendship.

 

And I would not have been friends with her, in fact I told my husband and still feel if he were to end up with her I wouldnt be able to have him in my life at all. That our kids are old enough to make plans with him themselves and I would cut off all contact with him because it would be too hard for me to watch someone else live my life with my husband.

 

Never would be friends or any desire on either end

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Perhaps she felt sorry for you? Reading some of the posts on the OW board it seems that quite a few OW do feel sorry for the BW. Maybe she genuinely thought your life was so miserable you could use a friend - any friend, including her?

 

That is really bizarre thinking.

 

I know I would not want to be friends with the woman causing my pain and shagging my husband... Why would I?

 

She may well "pity" me if she likes but quite frankly I wouldn't give a damn. My pity would be for her ending up with the stack of s***e husband I was fool enough to love.

 

I am speaking hypothetically but even still... Pitying the woman after you hurt her? Do you bash Grandmothers over the head then feel sorry for them?

 

Its just a sick way of thinking.

 

And offering marriage advice? Dear lord... speechless... utterly speechless...

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Wow..... I already had the fun of telling her to take a F'ing hike and never contact either of us again.

 

The best is when she tried to "tell me about him" I felt like screaming you DUMB B***** you really believe all those lies?

 

Try to be friends? What the hell is wrong with people?

 

Uh, maybe they watched too many 'Sister Wives' shows? Or maybe they watch too much FFM porn. I mean in a FFM there's cooperation you know....:lmao:

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I think it's not uncommon for APs to seek out some moderate form of amiability to minimize their guilt.

 

"See, it wasn't such a bad thing. We're even pals now."

 

Honestly, I think that's all it is.

 

It's rather remarkable the extent to which people will go to rationalize their behavior.

 

During my (ex)wife's affair, she and the OM's dynamic wasn't one of love for each other but empathy for their poor marriages. My wife said she would frequently scold the OM if he hadn't had sex with his wife that week. In their minds, they were actually helping one another with their marriages. Of course, I found it interesting that it also involved twice weekly romps in a local hotel.

 

My wife actually ramped up our sex life during the affair. It went from once every few months to twice a week. It definitely threw me off any thoughts that she was having an affair. I actually thought we had turned a corner.

 

Silly me.

 

Don't be silly.

 

Well, believe it or not, although I couldn't stand my 42yr old's FWB, I did try to give him advice on how to work on her ice coldness...and I didn't do it out of guilt, shame for the affair, etc. I literally am a nice person and am always trying to help. Besides, unlike most OW (especially that horrible one on 48 Hours) I want him to be happy at home. I'm not playing for keeps, stealing some guy, etc. As long as he takes care of my 'needs' (uh, sex) ;), I could care less what he does with her.

 

Oh, and the uptick with sexual activity? Well, I don't know about women, but I've heard that men get hypersexual cuz of the affair. I guess the newness, excitement (and sometimes revival) of sexual activity in the affair makes you want it more. So yea, if your SO gets hyper sexy on you, it may be cuz someone is making them excited - even if they aren't in an affair.

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That is really bizarre thinking.

 

I know I would not want to be friends with the woman causing my pain and shagging my husband... Why would I?

 

She may well "pity" me if she likes but quite frankly I wouldn't give a damn. My pity would be for her ending up with the stack of s***e husband I was fool enough to love.

 

I am speaking hypothetically but even still... Pitying the woman after you hurt her? Do you bash Grandmothers over the head then feel sorry for them?

 

Its just a sick way of thinking.

 

And offering marriage advice? Dear lord... speechless... utterly speechless...

 

Just wanted to add that very few of us are so desperate or pathetic as to need to be friends with our husbands bit of stuff on the side. We have our own friends... I don't think many women would particularly enjoy comparing notes.. Again another very sick way of thinking...

 

Life for women whos husbands have strayed is miserable because of the women who are happy to engage in such behaviour... Why the hell would the presence of the cause of the misery be of comfort to her?

 

Personally I think this "thinking" is a superiority complex on the side of the OW. A "look at me I am so much better than you so let me rub your face in it" mentality.

 

Just wrong on so many levels... and if a person can not see how "wrong" that is then they need help. You don't break a persons leg on purpose then offer medical advice and assistance... :sick:

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