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Friends? I think not. [affair partner wanting to be friends with betrayed?]


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Old 18th October 2016, 12:02 PM   #1
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Friends? I think not. [affair partner wanting to be friends with betrayed?]

If you are a bs who had contact ( wanted or unwanted) with your ws's ow/om after the A ended, did they ever make an offer of friendship to you, or do something equally odd?

I'm not really talking about the kids of things people do when they are hurting and lashing out. I'm talking more about something that makes you scratch your head and wonder just what they were thinking.

It's been a long time, but one of the things I first heard from my H's ex-ow was an email message. It said something along the lines of she wanted to be my friend, and if I ever needed any advice or had any problems, I could call or message her.

I don't think she was being snarky, but that just makes no sense. Why would I want to be her friend? Even after all this time, that statement has puzzled me. Was she that out of touch that she thought I would want to hang out with her?
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Old 18th October 2016, 12:13 PM   #2
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If you are a bs who had contact ( wanted or unwanted) with your ws's ow/om after the A ended, did they ever make an offer of friendship to you, or do something equally odd?

I'm not really talking about the kids of things people do when they are hurting and lashing out. I'm talking more about something that makes you scratch your head and wonder just what they were thinking.

It's been a long time, but one of the things I first heard from my H's ex-ow was an email message. It said something along the lines of she wanted to be my friend, and if I ever needed any advice or had any problems, I could call or message her.

I don't think she was being snarky, but that just makes no sense. Why would I want to be her friend? Even after all this time, that statement has puzzled me. Was she that out of touch that she thought I would want to hang out with her?


Maybe ease her conscience


Maybe be worm her way back into WH life


Best to ignore and block and change your email and phone number
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Old 18th October 2016, 12:37 PM   #3
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Only as a plot device for a movie, but I've never heard of such a thing IRL.
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Old 18th October 2016, 12:40 PM   #4
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She may not have malicious intentions, but in such a circumstance where there is a percentage of risk, I'd prefer to avoid the risk.

My 6yr guy? I liked his live-in, baby's mama in some ways. We literally graduated from the same high school and like me, she was independent, professional, kick-butt woman. So yeah, I wouldn't mind shooting the breeze with her.

But nah, I have endless drama from sorry, envious women I work with - whom are not on my radar and/or I even met their men. Imagine trying to become beasties with someone who wanted to steal your man
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Old 18th October 2016, 12:44 PM   #5
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A friend of mine became quite close to her husbands affair partner.

Not "friends" but close.

It was really weird.

But then she found out that the OW had been deceived just as much as she had and that she was trying to cut it off and her husband was reeling her back in every time...

Affair has stopped. So they don't talk much. Its not a friendship as such more a comrade... They both survived and got through when they both had their hearts broken and delusions shattered...
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Old 18th October 2016, 12:50 PM   #6
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Yeah, not so much...

Yeah, not so much...

While I am not proud of this, much, but after I put him in the hospital he stayed as far from me as he could get.
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Old 18th October 2016, 1:11 PM   #7
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Yes, the OW wanted to take me out for drinks bc she wanted to date my brother...she happened to be with a group of people, that were invited to my brother's house for a party. When my brother found out who she was, he kicked her out immediately (on his own, I honestly could have cared a less). So how she thought she had a chance, I have no idea.

I kind of felt even worse for her after that bc no one with a proper head on her shoulders would think that way.
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Old 18th October 2016, 3:58 PM   #8
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Yes, the OW wanted to take me out for drinks bc she wanted to date my brother...she happened to be with a group of people, that were invited to my brother's house for a party. When my brother found out who she was, he kicked her out immediately (on his own, I honestly could have cared a less). So how she thought she had a chance, I have no idea.

I kind of felt even worse for her after that bc no one with a proper head on her shoulders would think that way.
Oh gosh, the OW in your situation wanted so badly to 'keep it in the family'
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Old 18th October 2016, 9:20 PM   #9
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She follows me on Pinterest- does that count? You can not block anyone on Pinterest so I just stopped pinning-she would re-pin my pins with "I love this"
ummm..... OK-
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Old 18th October 2016, 9:54 PM   #10
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She follows me on Pinterest- does that count? You can not block anyone on Pinterest so I just stopped pinning-she would re-pin my pins with "I love this"
ummm..... OK-
Now, that's just creepy....
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Old 19th October 2016, 6:57 PM   #11
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I think it's not uncommon for APs to seek out some moderate form of amiability to minimize their guilt.

"See, it wasn't such a bad thing. We're even pals now."

Honestly, I think that's all it is.

It's rather remarkable the extent to which people will go to rationalize their behavior.

During my (ex)wife's affair, she and the OM's dynamic wasn't one of love for each other but empathy for their poor marriages. My wife said she would frequently scold the OM if he hadn't had sex with his wife that week. In their minds, they were actually helping one another with their marriages. Of course, I found it interesting that it also involved twice weekly romps in a local hotel.

My wife actually ramped up our sex life during the affair. It went from once every few months to twice a week. It definitely threw me off any thoughts that she was having an affair. I actually thought we had turned a corner.

Silly me.

Don't be silly.
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Old 19th October 2016, 7:09 PM   #12
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Wow..... I already had the fun of telling her to take a F'ing hike and never contact either of us again.

The best is when she tried to "tell me about him" I felt like screaming you DUMB B***** you really believe all those lies?

Try to be friends? What the hell is wrong with people?
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Old 20th October 2016, 3:51 AM   #13
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Try to be friends? What the hell is wrong with people?
Quite a lot sometimes, which is why they think that breaking up relationships is OK. Why they can't wait until the relationship is over anyway I have no idea.

I think in the case of my friend, it was my friend who informed the OW that her "love" was actually married. The OW was horrified but by that point was stuck and in love with my friends husband. Despite all that as soon as she found out she worked really hard to break it off with my friends husband. It was not easy for her at all.

So while not friends... they had a sort of respect for each other.

Had the OW known he was married with children at home before my friend told her I doubt that they would have supported each other through it... It would be a different story entirely.
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Old 20th October 2016, 6:35 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
If you are a bs who had contact ( wanted or unwanted) with your ws's ow/om after the A ended, did they ever make an offer of friendship to you, or do something equally odd?

I'm not really talking about the kids of things people do when they are hurting and lashing out. I'm talking more about something that makes you scratch your head and wonder just what they were thinking.

It's been a long time, but one of the things I first heard from my H's ex-ow was an email message. It said something along the lines of she wanted to be my friend, and if I ever needed any advice or had any problems, I could call or message her.

I don't think she was being snarky, but that just makes no sense. Why would I want to be her friend? Even after all this time, that statement has puzzled me. Was she that out of touch that she thought I would want to hang out with her?
Perhaps she felt sorry for you? Reading some of the posts on the OW board it seems that quite a few OW do feel sorry for the BW. Maybe she genuinely thought your life was so miserable you could use a friend - any friend, including her?
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Old 20th October 2016, 7:48 AM   #15
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I got that letter too. She wanted us all to get together. ?!?! My opinion is that the mow in our lives was pretty intent on not being viewed as a bad person. She wanted to be nice. Not kind, kind would have been not ***ing my wh. But nice is just a veneer. She wrote the letter, so she's a good person - see? Written proof. On to the next task of the day. I think it's also a female thing. I've not heard of a lot oms sending notes like that out.

Manipulative people put feelers out for potential marks. Had I responded with anything, it would have shown her that her message got my attention and now she had opened the door a bit. I was raised by a manipulator, so I get it. The image is everything. If they can get you to believe what they're saying, then they are in the drivers seat. Their words don't have to be true, just convincing. They're believed, so the work is done. No follow through.

This mow was often telling my wh - in hotel rooms - that they were good people, and that their screwing didn't make them bad people. Not the kind of foreplay I'd be hoping for, but insightful. And yes, I totally see that my wh was manipulating me worse than anyone. He was very convinced of her enthusiastic "goodness" and I was a speed bump on his way to that attention. And that "nice" attention was worth lying to me for.
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