Distant boyfriend/suspicious girlfriend

[RocketQueen]

Hi, I'm hoping to get some opinions on this situation.

 

This genuinely is my sisters issue, if you read my other posts you'll see I have my own shizzle going on!

 

I'll try and keep it as short as possible.

 

My sister and her boyfriend have been together 2 years. When they met he was very attentive and enviously thoughtful. He was besotted with her. Works long/strange shifts and wanted to spend almost every waking minute with her.

 

He would buy her flowers and little gifts (bath bombs etc, nothing extravagant- but the little things that mean a lot to a girl)

 

At first she found his full- on-ness a bit strange but as time went on she fell harder and harder for him. I saw her very rarely but that was because their time together was so short etc, I didn't see it as a control thing.

 

In the bedroom department she said he wanted it a lot and she was scared that she may not be able to keep up!...this is significant.

 

Fast forward to the last few months. She had commented before that at times he seems a little distant etc and wondered if there was something wrong but eventually he would always go back to 'normal', she understood he may be tired etc.

 

Then his Father got diagnosed with cancer. He is having chemo but more for prolinging rather than curing.

 

Understandably his mood has changed.

 

My sister is there for him and does all she can for him.

 

They haven't had sex now in 4 months and she gets that with everything that is on his mind his sex drive could take a hit- but he is more than happy for her to do thing to/for him. He doesn't kiss her or hug her.

 

She asked if everything was OK weeks ago and he said yes, she asked if he wanted her to do more to help or step back and he said she was being perfect the way she was...so she let it rest.

 

There are too many 'little things' to list that he has done/said that have raised red flags for her.

 

She noticed he was on his phone a lot on whatsapp, that he had deleted before because he didn't use it. He was on there one night and she asked who he was texting and he said a woman from work about his shifts. She had no reason not to believe him.

 

But now he is on/active on whatsapp a lot during the day but showed her his phone to prove he wasn't messaging anyone and there were no chats there apart from the woman from work and the message from weeks ago.

 

She said lastnight to him he was being secretive with his phone and he offered to let her see, she declined as she felt silly but then saw when she went into the kitchen to serve up dinner he was on there!

 

It all sounds very childish. She's 42 and not the paranoid type at all. I just can't understand why he can't show her any affection/understanding at all, I understand he is going through a terrible time with his Dad but she is there for him 100% driving to be with his father when he can't be there (long drive) and trying to lighten the load.

 

She has also helped him out financially and paid for a lot of their dates so he could get himself back on track and debt free- which he almost is one year earlier than he would have been.

 

She is scared he is making a fool of her but also aware that this is probably the worst time (his fathers illness) and possibly the cause of their issues.

 

Thoughts? Thank you.

[StalwartMind]

Honestly it doesn't matter if it sounds childish or not, whether she is 42, 80 or 18 because she has noticed a change and I've yet to experience anyone changing for no reason at all, at least when it comes to a relationship whether it be romantic or friendly.

 

There is always a reason, and behavioral changes are very noticeable, at least if you have just a bit of awareness. So the one thing I'm wondering about is whether your sister has actually confronted him directly about his change. Like has she actually asked him why he is not showing any affection at all. It's certainly understandable that dealing with emotional stress and other things in your life can greatly alter a person's behavior, but if the temporary things become permanent then there is reason to be concerned and it needs to be addressed and dealt with.

 

It's easy for all us, especially those of us here who'll comment/read to make up our own conclusions, but I really do personally dislike when people assume things about anyone or anything, because ever so often it may not be what we think, which is why I'll always prefer confrontations. I'd rather know the truth than have someone be unsure about how they feel or want to react to things. Unfortunately sometimes people simply just doesn't know and it might or might not be the case with this boyfriend as well. See the thing about life is that we all realize things at different stages of our life, and on top of that how we approach and deal with things is equally different. If you want answers you need to ask, and if the answers aren't sufficient then you need to evaluate what you intend to do next. It's easy to be suspicious and often with some kind of valid reason, sadly we just don't know if what someone tells us is the truth, the whole truth or just a lie to stall something or not.

 

I can recognize having a high drive plus wanting to spend most of my time with someone I love and care about. That's just the way I'm wired, but it's also not a must for me since I am introverted and enjoy my alone time. That said I also know that I would never stop showing affection towards someone who I love, the day I do that I would literally be dead, because I love such. I'm just one person and that was meant as a personal side note, not that I think it has much relevance or importance to everything else I said. Hopefully your sister can sort the situation out through communication, I can't emphasize enough how vital it is to discuss things, especially stuff that may be difficult and even more so during troubling times. All the best to you, her and the boyfriend as well!

[preraph]

She needs to talk to him. I think it's odd he's taking sex from her and not returning. Yes, a trauma can certainly affect a person and sap them of their strength, but if it were me, I'd be telling everyone I knew that I'm going through it because my dad is sick, not keeping it a secret from my SO. I hope he's not just taking a free ride at this point and fishing for another gf now he's debt free.

[Toodaloo]

She does need to speak to him.

 

She needs to find out what is going on. The whole whatsapp thing put to one side for the moment.

 

She needs to show him how his behaviour has changed and talk to him about it. She needs to tell him how she is feeling and also how he can help that and how he can change that round.

 

"You used to be so pleased to bring me silly little things like bath bombs and by doing that I knew that you loved me because it showed that you were thinking about me"

 

"What was it that I used to do that made you feel loved that may have stopped and is there anything I can do as you seem very distant recently and I am worried that you are unhappy"

 

Those are the sort of phrases. Not "I have seen you on Whatsapp all day so who is she and are you cheating on me?" or "You have been so selfish and you never touch me any more"... Those are more statements rather than questions...

 

Hope this helps a bit.

[RocketQueen]

Thank you for your replies. My sister had spoken to him, asked him if his feelings had changed, said she understood these things happen but that she would rather know. His response was "are you sure its not YOU who is unsure?" but went on to say she was being silly and that he had not fallen out of love.

 

The next day they were intimate but she said she genuinely felt strange, said she had a feeling it was 'goodbye sex', then berated herself, told herself to get a grip and said they had a nice day, compared to others recently.

 

Today he told her it just wasnt working anymore and that his feelings changed a 'while' ago but he had tried to get them back. So she asked him to leave and out of the door he walked, saying she knew where he was if she needed to talk...and that is that, so it would seem.

 

She still thinks he maybe is interested in someone else or they have piqued his interest.

 

I hate that my sister is feeling this way as i am still reeling from my own break up. Thanks again