My boyfriend and I fight a lot

[Cphoria43]

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot recently. It almost seems back to back. We're very much in love and we've both poured our hearts, our souls and time into making our relationship work. It's been great for the most part. Lately, the last couple of weeks has gotten out of hand. I recently moved in with my BF after my parents decided to separate. I was living in a pretty volatile environment at home so I decided to pack my things and move in with my boyfriend who's always been there for me. He welcomed me with open arms. He's truly an amazing boyfriend.

 

We fight mostly because I doubt our relationship too much. It causes emotional tension. I feel like I am happy with my bf but I'm so sensitive sometimes. I take things that he does and turn them in my head as something vicious. I get mad a lot at the smallest things and he gets mad at me when I get mad. He used to be patient but he's to the point of being fed up and blowing up on me when we feel like another fight is going to break out. It's like instead of focusing on a solution or trying to make me feel better about the relationship, he just blows up because he says I bring an "endless amount of bull****" into our relationship and he can't even focus on what he needs to do because he always has to fix something between us.

 

Because of all these fights, its made me doubtful we're going to work. I'd make small comments while we're out in public like, "see that couple? Don't you wish you could be like that but with someone else?" and today, I asked him, "are we going to work?" He gets so frustrated and when he asks me why I ask him these questions, its mainly because I feel like the relationship is at its last hair before we really end things and he puts a lot of the blame on me for making problems in the relationship. I just feel really misunderstood and when I try to explain myself, he's reluctant to understand or he basically doesn't understand where I come from at all. He tells me he is happy and he's done everything to make me happy and if I'm not happy, looks like he failed and he wants out. I really feel like we're close to breaking up if things don't change.

 

He blames everything on me. Every little problem I have I bring it up and he gets sensitive about it. So sensitive that he ends up being hurtful calling me retarded, tells me to shut up and says that I'm crazy and I give him too much bull****. Sometimes I placate and sometimes I don't. I try to tell him that he can't be saying mean things and being disrespectful but he freaks out now every time theres another problem. But now I really just feel like maybe there is something wrong with me. He always tells me "why can't you be normal?" Sometimes I feel like so screwed up and misunderstood I have thoughts of being worthless and hopeless.

 

I carry so much guilt for the problems in the relationship. He keeps telling me to change and I try to, but even when I try to handle things differently, he doesn't even want to work with me bc he's so fed up. It's gotten to the point that sometimes when I feel hurt, I pull back a lot -and that hurts him. He used to be understanding but nowadays, when I do pull back, he just doesn't care anymore. It feels like a push-pull pattern.

 

I don't know if we need space, a break, or need time to work on ourselves. We're both feeling a lot of pressure after college to find jobs and study for the state boards. I feel like he resents me a lot because he says things like he would of had a better job if it wasn't for me by now. And that he liked himself better before he got with me. He had his life together before he met me. When he says all these things, its hurtful. It's like how could I not tell him, "then we should break up then." But he gets mad when I suggest that. If I do so much bad to his life, why keep me around? He says I bring him a lot of happiness too, but not lately. It's taken a big toll on the both of us.

 

I never blame him for any of my failures. He has done a lot for me but it never occurred to me that any of his failures had to do with me. He says he can never get things done whenever we're not good. Which is a lot of the time. Its a pattern of healing and dealing with another problem. We can never go longer than a little over a week without fighting about something. What are some suggestions to stop this cycle?

 

*I would really like suggestions on ways to fix our relationship rather than end things. That's really the last option me and him want.

Edited July 30, 2016 by Cphoria43

[bummer]

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot recently. It almost seems back to back. We're very much in love and we've both poured our hearts, our souls and time into making our relationship work. It's been great for the most part. Lately, the last couple of weeks has gotten out of hand. I recently moved in with my BF after my parents decided to separate. I was living in a pretty volatile environment at home so I decided to pack my things and move in with my boyfriend who's always been there for me. He welcomed me with open arms. He's truly an amazing boyfriend.

 

We fight mostly because I doubt our relationship too much. It causes emotional tension. I feel like I am happy with my bf but I'm so sensitive sometimes. I take things that he does and turn them in my head as something vicious. I get mad a lot at the smallest things and he gets mad at me when I get mad. He used to be patient but he's to the point of being fed up and blowing up on me when we feel like another fight is going to break out. It's like instead of focusing on a solution or trying to make me feel better about the relationship, he just blows up because he says I bring an "endless amount of bull****" into our relationship and he can't even focus on what he needs to do because he always has to fix something between us.

 

Because of all these fights, its made me doubtful we're going to work. I'd make small comments while we're out in public like, "see that couple? Don't you wish you could be like that but with someone else?" and today, I asked him, "are we going to work?" He gets so frustrated and when he asks me why I ask him these questions, its mainly because I feel like the relationship is at its last hair before we really end things and he puts a lot of the blame on me for making problems in the relationship. I just feel really misunderstood and when I try to explain myself, he's reluctant to understand or he basically doesn't understand where I come from at all. He tells me he is happy and he's done everything to make me happy and if I'm not happy, looks like he failed and he wants out. I really feel like we're close to breaking up if things don't change.

 

He blames everything on me. Every little problem I have I bring it up and he gets sensitive about it. So sensitive that he ends up being hurtful calling me retarded, tells me to shut up and says that I'm crazy and I give him too much bull****. Sometimes I placate and sometimes I don't. I try to tell him that he can't be saying mean things and being disrespectful but he freaks out now every time theres another problem. But now I really just feel like maybe there is something wrong with me. He always tells me "why can't you be normal?" Sometimes I feel like so screwed up and misunderstood I have thoughts of being worthless and hopeless.

 

I carry so much guilt for the problems in the relationship. He keeps telling me to change and I try to, but even when I try to handle things differently, he doesn't even want to work with me bc he's so fed up. It's gotten to the point that sometimes when I feel hurt, I pull back a lot -and that hurts him. He used to be understanding but nowadays, when I do pull back, he just doesn't care anymore. It feels like a push-pull pattern.

 

I don't know if we need space, a break, or need time to work on ourselves. We're both feeling a lot of pressure after college to find jobs and study for the state boards. I feel like he resents me a lot because he says things like he would of had a better job if it wasn't for me by now. And that he liked himself better before he got with me. He had his life together before he met me. When he says all these things, its hurtful. It's like how could I not tell him, "then we should break up then." But he gets mad when I suggest that. If I do so much bad to his life, why keep me around? He says I bring him a lot of happiness too, but not lately. It's taken a big toll on the both of us.

 

I never blame him for any of my failures. He has done a lot for me but it never occurred to me that any of his failures had to do with me. He says he can never get things done whenever we're not good. Which is a lot of the time. Its a pattern of healing and dealing with another problem. We can never go longer than a little over a week without fighting about something. What are some suggestions to stop this cycle?

 

*I would really like suggestions on ways to fix our relationship rather than end things. That's really the last option me and him want.

 

hmmm. Resentment is like 100 lbs of dynamite packed behind the bullets of anger, jealousy, and mistrust. Once you two pulled out the explosives, you weren't playing on a fair battlefield anymore.

 

Why would you say a "little" comment like "why can't we be like that couple" to your boyfriend? Those are petty immature contrivances MEANT to push someone away. It's a coded way of speaking and it's toxic passive aggression at worst. Also, why is it up to him to make you feel better about the relationship? Only he can offer the solution? These absolutes you speak of are not healthy.

 

Don't mince words and communication. Don't play with generalities and the bigger picture of "will you work out." As it stands both of you are "out." Out of patience, out of compassion, and out of your depth field of maturity to approach this with empathy and humility. If you want it to work, both of you need to sit down sober and drum through the exact causes and solutions to your problems and jealousy. You may need a marriage councilor if you are half serious.

 

To be frank, I bolded the nice words in your post. The rest is back and forth bitterness. Yes, you two love each other and care deeply, but not enough to be committed in a healthy relationship.

 

 

Sit down and talk. Be firm, that anything less than mutual respect and apologies should end with a "break." Maintain NC during your "break" and try your best to distance yourself from the memories of this man. I can bet he will take the break as permanent, and you should to. Life is too short to be anything less than happy and secure in your self FIRST and then in your partner.

 

Lastly, reading your other posts which you don't reply to, are you in therapy? Do you know that your issues are systemically deeper than just you and your boyfriend?

Edited July 30, 2016 by bummer

[Garnetgirl89]

Both you and your boyfriend are contributing to the dysfunctional parts of your relationship. You should find somewhere else to stay while you guys sort out your relationship. You clearly weren't ready to move in with each other.

 

It sounds like you're in a situation in which you are VERY dependent on him and it's becoming too much for him. It sounds like you may be depressed/have some anxiety caused by the divorce and the volatile home situation you just left. I recommend getting professional help or finding a good friend who ISN'T your boyfriend to talk to about what's going on in your life.

 

You both need to learn how to fight fair and talk to each other like you love and respect each other. When you are not fighting or upset with each other you need to tell him that you're working on yourself but he needs to put his anger in check because you refuse to be disrespected by someone who is supposed to love you. You need to be prepared to leave someone who treats you badly if this continues.

[basil67]

I'm glad you're aware that this relationship is at risk. However, instead of questioning him about the future of the relationship, you need to look internally and get a handle on your emotions before you kill this relationship.

 

Getting mad at the smallest things is a sure fire way to drive someone away. It's no surprise that he's getting fed up and reacting badly. And I agree that saying things like "why can't we be like that couple" is a terrible thing to say. If you want to be like that couple, then start acting how you think the girl in that relationship behaves.

 

When in a relationship, it's really important to learn to let things go. Our partners aren't infallible and sometimes they say things which get up our noses. But if they are just having a moment, then let it pass. Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

Time for you to give yourself a swift kick up the arse. Don't waste your time on small stuff. And if there's too much negative small stuff for you to keep quiet, then leave the relationship.

[Gloria25]

I'm glad you're aware that this relationship is at risk. However, instead of questioning him about the future of the relationship, you need to look internally and get a handle on your emotions before you kill this relationship.

 

This ^^ (and the rest of basil67's post) is perfect.

 

I'm glad that from reading your OP that you recognize that there's something brewing in you that is causing you to do/say things that are driving a wedge in between you two.

 

But, at the same time you believe "we" (not "you") need to work on stuff. I don't know his side of the story, but you haven't mentioned him doing/saying things to tick you off - but that he's responding to your actions.

 

So, I think you probably could use some counseling to deal with what's going on with you, cuz if you don't resolve it, you'll just carry it into your next RL.

 

Don't do like me. I spent most of my time with my recent guy worried about this/that and probably driving him away from me. I know it's hard to trust and let go, but in life we gotta take gambles. Don't let your insecurities ruin this or any RL for you. Seek some counseling and find out what's going on.

 

Wishing you well.

[joseb]

So you know that the cause of all the problems is the comments you keep making, but you keep making them anyway?

If so, I wonder do you actually want to be with him, and if this is your subconscious' way of breaking up?

[basil67]

So you know that the cause of all the problems is the comments you keep making, but you keep making them anyway?

If so, I wonder do you actually want to be with him, and if this is your subconscious' way of breaking up?

 

Good point. Perhaps you heart secretly wants out?

[Gloria25]

Good point. Perhaps you heart secretly wants out?

 

Nah, maybe she's self-sabotaging...

 

In other words, she probably feels not worthy of a good man and/or RL. Probably came from a divorced home and lost hope in having a long-lasting RL.

 

Kinda like a "self-fulfilling prophecy". Like, she secretly believes her bf one day will dump her, so by constantly picking fights with him, he ultimately gets tired and dumps her so she can be like "see, I knew he would dump me".

[Els]

Have you been fighting like that before you moved in together, or only after?

 

How long have you been together? Honestly, your decision to move in together sounds very unilateral to me, as in your parents separated and then YOU decided to pack up your things and move to your bf's place. You say he 'welcomed you with open arms', but what else could he do if you'd already packed up and told your parents you were leaving? Surely he couldn't just leave you homeless. You should've talked to him and made the decision together instead of just walking out of your house and into his.

 

Depending on how long you've been together, it's possible you two just aren't ready to move in together yet. It might do you both good to live separately for the time being, especially if you haven't been together for over a year yet.

[Poppyolive]

This sounds extremely toxic. And perhaps you both should call it a day? It's not healthy for either of you. Maybe try focusing on yourself? It sounds like you aren't happy (away from the relationship) maybe rekindle with friends, take up new hobbies, go swimming, walks with friends, craft nights.....it sounds like you've lost yourself and you are dragging your relationship with you. If you aren't happy, your relationship isn't going to be happy.