Am I wrong to feel this way? It is his Mother after all

[Katiejane]

I have a partner I have been with for 3 years, we live together and have a child together, I love him to bits. But something about him is starting to bother me more and more and its making me jealous but it is so wrong for me to feel this way.

 

He has a very close relationship with his mother, when we first met I took this as a good sign, but now its getting a bit much for me. He works with her (for her company) but directly with her, every day - he has lunch with her every day , and then stays after work talking with her for at least an hour, misses dinner at home 3 out of 5 nights a week because he got caught up talking to her. Then he will come home and his phone is constantly going all evening and they are messaging each other.

 

If we (rarely) have a date night she will call and he will spend at least 10-15 minutes on the phone (during our date) with her, just talking about nothing important at all and I just sit there feeling worse and worse about myself.

 

I know that its wrong to feel jealous and I'm not even sure if that is the right word, but I barely see him. He is meant to have days off but he ends up "helping" her on his days off so as well as being with her all week he spends the weekends there too. He doesn't ever invite me or our child to go, and always has a reason why we can't. I know it sounds like he's cheating on me, but he's not. It is 100% his mother.

 

I had an MRI for a medical reason last week and he had told his mother in advance and asked for an hour off to drive me as I was being sedated. He got the time off and as we were leaving in the car she called and asked where we were going, he told her we were going to the MRI and then she told him she wanted him to go plant shopping with her. So he left and I had to drive myself to my MRI. while caring for our child and I couldn't drive home once sedated so had to pay for a taxi which was almost $100 to where we live plus my car was stuck in the other town. When I told him how upset I was about this he told me to get over it, his mother needed him.

 

I feel so wrong for feeling the way that I do about this. so guilty but I have tried talking to him and he keeps saying that "I have a problem with his mum" but I dont! I have a problem with the fact we never get any time or attention from him because he is so busy with her..

 

I guess I came here hoping for some advice hoping someone can make me see things from his side.

[PegNosePete]

I don't think "jealous" is the right word. I think "disrespected" is better.

 

It is incredibly rude of him to take phone calls during a "date" unless it's an emergency! Why doesn't he just call her back later? And incredibly insensitive and rude and disrespectful to leave you for your MRI after he agreed to take you and got time off and everything.

 

I agree you don't have a problem with his mother, you have a problem with how he allows his mother to walk all over him, and how he disrespects you and chooses his mother over you every time.

 

This would do my head in totally. I think you need to sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel when he chooses his mother's small whims over your genuine needs. But if he is so indoctrinated into his mother then I don't see it going well - you will always be an outsider, poking your nose into their relationship. Norman Bates style...

[Emilia]

His mother controls him completely, this isn't healthy or natural. Sounds like an oedipus complex. Have you tried talking to him?

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus_complex

[preraph]

Never marry a guy who has never left the nest and lived independently for at least a couple of years. Leaving the nest and rejecting most involvement of your mother is an official stage of maturation and becoming an adult.

 

His main alliance should be to you. When it's between you and his mom, he should always choose you. You need to not take a chance on having more kids with him until you see if there's any way to sit him down and work this problem out. I recommend a marriage counselor. Your man is not a man. Your man is still a boy. And his mom is not a nice person if she would encourage him to not support you. I can't say if the situation is two sided or not, like if you are too demanding and needy, but if you are always asking him to take off work every time you have a doctor's appointment, that can be unreasonable too. I'm having an MRI next month and it's out of state and I will drive myself there and back. Still, his mother should not be interfering like that with your plans, absolutely not. You need to consider the fact that maybe he is just using her as a scapegoat to get out of things you ask him to do that he doesn't want to do.

Edited July 22, 2016 by preraph

[Katiejane]

I don't think I ask much of him, that is the only appointment I have asked him for help with in the entire time we have been together and it was only due to being sedated.

[anna121]

I don't think I ask much of him, that is the only appointment I have asked him for help with in the entire time we have been together and it was only due to being sedated.

 

This is your problem, actually. You need to ask more, a lot more, of him. He is either committed to you or to his mother. It can't be both.

 

I know you wanted advice that could articulate his side, but really, if what you have described is accurate, you barely seem to have a relationship at all!

[Gloria25]

This is your problem, actually. You need to ask more, a lot more, of him. He is either committed to you or to his mother. It can't be both.

 

I know you wanted advice that could articulate his side, but really, if what you have described is accurate, you barely seem to have a relationship at all!

 

Sorry, but too late. You made a kid with him. Either suck it up and take being 2nd place or get ready for years in court battling custody, visitation, child support. Cuz, guaranteed if you get on his and mum's bad side, they'll be a united front against you (oh yeah, they already are)

 

Sorry, no cure for momma's boys. I was watching ID last night and gosh how some mothers can mess up their boys for life. It's sad, sick, abusive and sometimes creepy and scary.

 

Unless this becomes abusive to you and/or your child, I say that you gotta get over it. You wanted to play house and have a child with a guy who you didn't take time to get to know. So, if you break up with him cuz you're second fiddle, your child is gonna suffer. PS, protect your child from the mother cuz more than likely she's gonna wanna have your kid by the giblets too and screw with their heads too.

[Gloria25]

This is your problem, actually. You need to ask more, a lot more, of him. He is either committed to you or to his mother. It can't be both.

 

I know you wanted advice that could articulate his side, but really, if what you have described is accurate, you barely seem to have a relationship at all!

 

Nope, momma's boys are a lost cause. Mom will always come first. Try to push him and he may do something rash, like those guys on ID.

[TunaCat]

Holy crap, I am extremely family oriented & look for that in people I date, but this is WAY too much. Your guy lacks any kind of boundaries with his mother and you aren't going to make him see that. He'll only see it when HE'S ready to.

 

I would end the relationship and concentrate on co-parenting your child.

[Katiejane]

Thanks everyone, at least its nice to know that I am not overreacting - I sometimes do so thought maybe this was one of those times.

[Lady2163]

I don't know if you're experiencing jealousy exactly, but your wants and needs are being neglected. YOU are being neglected. That is a form of abuse.

 

This problem is only going to get worse. The unhappier you get, the more time he will spend with his mother. She loves him unconditionally and his mere presence is enough to satisfy her. She places fewer grownup demands on him. He gets to be a taken care of.

 

I was married to one of these. I divorced one of these. His maturity was easily 10 years behind. He didn't want to be my husband, that required work and sacrifice. It was so much easier being mommy's son. For her he would cheerfully do work and run errands.

 

Again, this will not fix itself. I'm pretty passionate when I tell you, you must get counseling and have some options, because mother and son both need to be confronted and it should probably happen when they are together. Which means, you're going to have to be incredibly strong and composed. A counselor can help prepare you and role play any and all possibilities.

 

A counselor can give you focus and narrow down your requests, while not appearing to deliver ultimatums.

 

Mom needs to know what she is doing to your family unit. Chances are he hasn't told her. Mom needs to know what happened when she wanted to go plant shopping and you had an MRI. She wanted to go plant shopping, you NEEDED a driver. Those are two different things.

 

Mentally, you need to set some limits. Your child is going to grow up watching his/her dad neglect you, but cater to his mother. That doesn't bode well for child development. There's also a chance your boyfriend will neglect child over his mother.

 

And the mental limit? How much are you willing to put up with before you give up on the relationship? You have to have a line you're not willing to cross. You have to have a time limit to get some changes made.

 

At the end of my marriage, I realized how alone I really was. I had surgery back when hospital visiting hours were very limited. I think maybe three hours a day. My dear husband laid down for a nap and nobody woke him. I'd just had surgery and he missed all but the last 15 minutes of visiting hours. His sibling tried to take the blame. "Oh, I forgot to wake him..." He was a grown man who had had a full nights sleep the night before.

 

All the grown up problems and mundane life details were on my shoulders. My exH wasn't reliable, because he'd never had to be. Both of us were the youngest in our family. I was raised to be self sufficient and he was raised to be spoiled and pampered and largely useless.

 

His mother needs to know he is missing supper when he stays to visit. She may assume your child is on a different feeding schedule and you feed child, then feed boyfriend when he gets home. If you have a set dinner time, she needs to know that. Bonus - invite her to supper at least one night a week. Shudder.

 

And one night a week needs to be just the two of you. This may be where the boyfriend has to step up and set limits. He may have to call his mother at 530 and say, "Katiejane and I are going out to supper and to a movie. I'm leaving ,y phone at home. I will see you tomorrow morning."

 

I think it is hard for some people to wear many hats. Until three years ago, your boyfriend only had to manage the role of son. Now he is boyfriend and father and those roles aren't as carefree as son.

 

Again, please please please. See a counselor.

 

You have to tough road. Please check back in here.

[Katiejane]

^ Thank you for the response that made a lot of sense. I will seek counselling

[elaine567]

I had an MRI for a medical reason last week and he had told his mother in advance and asked for an hour off to drive me as I was being sedated. He got the time off and as we were leaving in the car she called and asked where we were going, he told her we were going to the MRI and then she told him she wanted him to go plant shopping with her. So he left and I had to drive myself to my MRI. while caring for our child and I couldn't drive home once sedated so had to pay for a taxi which was almost $100 to where we live plus my car was stuck in the other town. When I told him how upset I was about this he told me to get over it, his mother needed him.

 

 

This would be the dealbreaker for me.

Not only does he not see the difference between "plant shopping" and an MRI, he allowed his child to be looked after by its sedated mother in a taxi with no support, whilst he indulged his own mother's trivial whims.

And when challenged, he still doesn't see the madness of the situation...

His mother stamped her foot here and knowingly used her power over her son, to disadvantage you and potentially put her grand child at risk too...

I suggest you make plans to leave taking your child with you, I see no hope here of persuading them to see the error of their ways.

[anna121]

Nope, momma's boys are a lost cause. Mom will always come first. Try to push him and he may do something rash, like those guys on ID.

 

I don't know why you felt the need to make two responses to my post, but my point was that she should scrub the mindset of trying "not to be a bother" and stand up for herself. I wasn't expressing an opinion one way or the other about the possibility that he can change.

 

If your rather alarmist predictions are even partially accurate ("do something rash"? like, kill her?) then all the more reason for her to get as far away as legally possible. Telling her she might want to stay to avoid even more nastiness is, frankly, cruel.

[preraph]

I don't think I ask much of him, that is the only appointment I have asked him for help with in the entire time we have been together and it was only due to being sedated.

 

Good. Now you know he can't be relied on and goes to his mom for everything, so get on birth control and then leave him and find someone who is a man and can be a real partner. Make him take joint custody so you have some time to work and a social life. Don't make the mistake of getting nothing but the kid because if you do you'll always be dependent. Make him take care of the child half the time like a man so you can rebuild your life.

[Lois_Griffin]

^ Thank you for the response that made a lot of sense. I will seek counselling

Why do YOU need to seek counseling? To learn to live with this creeper you stuck yourself with?

 

What a ludicrous suggestion that YOU seek therapy.

 

The ONLY one who needs therapy is your boyfriend. He acts SO inappropriately towards his mother that it actually makes me dry heave. Those two sound like one of those old Betty Davis/Joan Crawford creepy black and white movies they used to make. The type that are cringe-worthy just to have to watch.

 

Let me tell you something. Any supposed 'man' who DITCHES you when you need him most - for MEDICAL reasons - and deserts you to find your own way home just so he can skip off and plant shop with mommy, is a creep. A flat out, despicable CREEP. That would be the very LAST time creeper boy would ever disrespect me. The last.

 

You don't need a therapist to try to make you accept this disgusting, despicable excuse for a man. Why anyone would try to learn to accept this nauseating treatment is simply beyond me.

[bachdude]

I know this isn't a theology forum, but I can't help thinking how wise the ancient Hebrews were....

 

 

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his

wife..."

[Lady2163]

Why do YOU need to seek counseling? To learn to live with this creeper you stuck yourself with?

 

What a ludicrous suggestion that YOU seek therapy.

 

The ONLY one who needs therapy is your boyfriend. He acts SO inappropriately towards his mother that it actually makes me dry heave. Those two sound like one of those old Betty Davis/Joan Crawford creepy black and white movies they used to make. The type that are cringe-worthy just to have to watch.

 

Let me tell you something. Any supposed 'man' who DITCHES you when you need him most - for MEDICAL reasons - and deserts you to find your own way home just so he can skip off and plant shop with mommy, is a creep. A flat out, despicable CREEP. That would be the very LAST time creeper boy would ever disrespect me. The last.

 

You don't need a therapist to try to make you accept this disgusting, despicable excuse for a man. Why anyone would try to learn to accept this nauseating treatment is simply beyond me.

 

She's responding to my post.

 

She needs to confront Mom and boyfriend. A counselor can help her run different scenarios and prepare her. There is the possibility of two against one. She HAS to keep her cool, she has to be prepared. Bursting into tears or spewing angry words will be ineffective. A counselor is an unbiased opinion who can offer her phrases to use. She needs guidance, not therapy.

 

Making a "you" statement puts the other person on the defensive. Example: You don't help with housework. Response: All you do is nag.

Making an "always" or "never" statement can lessen credibility, since they are very rarely Example: You never take the garbage out on time. Response: I just did it two weeks ago.

 

Statement: You're a momma's boy and you neglect me. You spend too much time with your mother and you talk to her during our family time too much.

 

Yeah, that's all true, but he's going to deflect

[Katiejane]

Thanks everyone, yes I meant I would seek therapy maybe to find a more appropriate way to comfront him about it, without it coming across as a personal attack against him/his family.