I've accidentally fallen for someone thinking they fell for me which they haven't

[kivan3x]

my (engaged) friend is definitely not in love with me

 

oh. here we go. the angst train. all aboard..

 

<tldr don't read this, it's too long, I'm an idiot, it just feels good to get this off my chest, as I can't talk to anyone about it>

 

I have very little to go on, but unshakeable it is. this saga runs for several years, with just the slightest of occurrences here and there, but big enough to prey on my mind for this long.

 

We’ve been friends for years, more than ten I guess. She is incredibly beautiful and talented and a lovely, amazing girl, but I’ve always known her as one of my best friend’s girl, so having feelings for her was never a thing. She became a best friend herself. A few years ago, the three of us are out drinking, I go out for a smoke, and she joins me. She seems tormented and sad. She starts to tell me she’s having doubts about her guy, my friend, that she has feelings for someone else.

 

In that split second, because of the way she’s saying it, that she’s saying it to me, because of my ****ing ego, in that split second I think she’s talking about me. In that split second I suddenly I remember 4 or 5 minor incidences that would back this up; earlier that night her saying her heart leapt when she saw me, the hugs that always lasted that little bit too long, erm, a couple of others that are even more insubstantial and meaningless. The split second passes. She says “he tried to kiss me”. **** me what an idiot I am. Of course not me. Of course someone else.

 

The next day I am a self hating, tearful mess; for even thinking that, for thinking that it might be possible that someone like her could love me etc etc, but also I guess as it reminded me of how loveless my life is, how lonely, that microsecond feeling of love gone and discredited. But then, because of my stupid brain, I wonder if she said that last bit as a curveball, a red herring, to not tell me it was me. I remember a time at a party where we hugged and I felt her lips on my neck. Another momentary moment. Did she mean me?? Did she mean that?? God I am stupid. God I hate myself sometimes.

 

Years pass. equivalent micro moments that by themselves would be mad to draw such a conclusion from. But mainly the hugs, the hugs that always last a little bit too long, that always seem to have this depth of feeling. A part of me started to miss the hugs, and long for them. I realised they are the closest thing to love I experience.

 

Then I have my moment of closure. I go to see her perform a month or so ago. After the show, her best friend tells me that she was in a state before hand, and that they used me as a person to focus on in the audience to allay nerves as apparently I have a calming, non-judgemental and positive spirit. If she had these angsty feelings about me as I had imagined, they definitely wouldn’t have suggested me! Later that night I go out for a smoke, and she’s there chatting to a guy, and it all looks very serious and emotional. Maybe it’s him! maybe he’s the guy she has feelings for.

 

Strangely enough, I don’t feel **** about it. I feel closure, I feel good. And I definitely DON’T have the thought that her friend threw me a red herring to throw me off scent nor that the emotional conversation with the other guy was about me. Definitely not. I felt good, relieved and lightened.

 

Then. THEN. I see her. them all. out. Two weekends ago. I’ve just finished a show of my own and am in a happy mood. Eventually I get round to catching up with her, I sit with her and relay to her how brilliant her piece was that time a month before. (It really was, one of the most incredible pieces of work I have seen).

 

Now here’s another thing. I really do love her (platonically) and her work. And her work gets better and better. but I don’t think her significant other gets her work in the same way nor praises her. And when I do, when I complement her or her work, the way she lights up is evident. She glows.

 

Anyway, we talk about other stuff. Then she says something I can’t remember and hugs me. REALLY hugs me, for ridiculously long. Every time I try and say something to pull away, y’know coz it’s just that little bit weirdly too long, and like everyone’s around, she whispers “SHUT UP” and hugs me harder. Eventually I pull away, but then look at her and then it’s me that can’t resist and I hug her again. Even more emotional. We pull apart, and I say, I blurt, “it’s definitely a good thing”. She repeats the words.

 

I know I know. We’re close dear friends and me complementing her work and being her friend is the only necessary explanation. ffs it’s a hug. ffs. a hug. Anyway, if just that hug had happened, I probably would have gone back to my previous sentiment of “there’s definitely not a thing here, you’re an idiot, shut up”

 

But then later, at the end of the evening, as she’s leaving with her fella, she gives me this long, meaningful look. I can’t describe it. I am haunted by it, and yet conversely wish I could remember it better. It was of yearning, sadness, longing, never breaking eye contact with me as she left, following her boyfriend, *fiancée*, my friend, out of the door.

 

I can’t describe it, but it floored me.

 

then a few days ager, glutton for punishment that I am, I go out to see them all again.

 

Same thing. Closure, distance, she’s busy. then the night wraps up and it’s just the three of us drinking. I’m in a funny mood because of the preceding week’s occurrences, but of course don’t say anything about it, but they read my mood, and the conversation becomes about me, and my angst in general I guess, but it’s light and funny. somewhere in there she says something about her thinking, and me not realising, how attractive I am. (I'm really not) but anyway, normal stuff you say to your friend who is down and lonely. the guy goes to the loo, and straight away she jumps round and sits next to me, I remember her putting her hand on mine and she hugs me again deeply. again too tender and too deep. Later we get in a taxi home, and as we get to theirs and again this long, lingering hug. her fella is waiting for her outside the taxi. She just stays there hugging me, then there’s this moment where it almost feels like she’s going to kiss me. I wish I could remember, was it her hand on my face, her lips? In that moment, it feels like if I have doubts, they are unravelled, she really does! w t f

 

I wake up the next morning, and no, I realise she doesn’t. the hugs are for my angst. that night I’d been saying things like “I can’t do or say anything, I can’t tell anyone”. In drunken fantasy world, it’s a conversation about this thing between us. In the sober, cold light of day, no it isn’t - she has seen me upset and consoled me, not having any idea that there is this very strange loop that is fuelling all of this, all based on a misunderstanding and my own delusions.

 

I don't want to have feelings for her. I don't want her to have feelings for me. I don't want to hurt my friend. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy.

 

…

 

I’ve been single for more than six years now, with not so much as a kiss, but I’ve been happy. Yes the occasional lamenting about the tragedy of my last relationship all those years ago or an occasional feeling of loneliness, but nothing I would ever call depression. I figure I’ve spent my whole life since puberty tormented by love and relationships, requited and un, it feels good to not be. About 4 years ago, feeling sorry for myself I goggled “I haven’t had sex for 2 years” or whatever. The first page I read was heart-breaking, countless responses from people explaining to the OP that they had never and would never have sex or a relationship, and not through choice. That was a turning point for me, realising how self centred and entitled I was. I’ve just had three relationships in my life, but they were amazing and I should be grateful. Of course I hope for Love one day, but equally if that’s my lot then so be it.

 

Anyway, generally I’ve been doing good, as above, positive and mostly at one with myself.

 

But since that first night around all this a couple of weeks ago, I have felt awful. It feels like depression. It feels like what love used to feel like.

 

I don’t know what’s worse - if it is true or if it is not .

 

If it’s not true.. do I love her or am I in love with the fantasy of this situation? am I insane and an idiot for even thinking that? Why did she look at me like that? Why am I such a ****ing idiot?

 

And there’s nothing that can be done about it if it is. I can’t say or do anything nor can I want to. She can’t. Her fiancé is one of my best friends. She’s ****ing engaged.

 

If it is true, there are positives I can silently take from this. How deep and sweet a feeling, and that it has remained silent for so long just adds to its meaning and depth. How amazing to be loved by someone so beautiful, even if that love can go nowhere.

 

If it’s not, true, well even if it is, I guess I am just a ****ing idiot, and need to learn to be less of one, and in either case, I guess it feels good to feel .. something.. after this dearth of romantic feeling, even if it is based on folly. Yes it hurts, my heart hurts, but WOW, how much better that it hurts for someone, instead of this dull ache because of a complete lack of someone. In some ways I feel more alive than ever in spite of the sadness and tears.

 

I have love in my life, dear friends and family, and now have little nephews and nieces who I love more than the entire world,and I am grateful and I haven’t particularly wanted or needed romantic love.

 

God I want it again now.

 

maybe all this is telling me it is time to get back out there.

 

with love

 

x

Edited July 20, 2016 by kivan3x

[Springsummer]

yes, this 'I thought he/she likes me, and that LED me to fall for him/her, and then turns out he/she isn't' is pure torture and devilish.

 

I feel for ya!

[kivan3x]

ah thanks Springsummer!

 

argh yes it hurts. and not knowing is maddening..

 

but ah well, human emotions eh. and nice to feel real love even if it isn't real.

 

..

 

Autumnwinter

 

*gawd I wish I could edit the above

[kivan3x]

it's probably just that she has pretty eyes, a beautiful smile and gives good hugs. And that makes me think.. what? jeez

 

but then I can't shake the fact that she asked "is it me?"

 

what did she mean?

 

etc ad nauseum

[preraph]

How long have she and your friend been together without tying the knot? If it's anywhere near as long as you've known her and they've been engaged this whole time, something is amiss and it may never happen.

 

If you knew her before the best friend started dating her, what was your relationship with her then? Did you try to date her? If not, why not? Did you always feel she was unattainable to you even before your friend put a ring on it?

If so, you need to face that you are your own stumbling block.

 

You made a comment about not being attractive. Do you really believe that's true? You did say you had had other girlfriends in the past.

 

Is it possible the object of your affections is spreading her hugs around and crushing on other guys because she's a big drama queen who likes constant turmoil and attention? Is it possible this is why your best friend hasn't strolled her down the aisle yet? Could you maybe ask him (unless they have only recently been dating/engaged) why they've not married yet?

 

My one biggest piece of advice is this: She is very flirtatious while being engaged, and she is being it with others as well as you, her fiance's best friend. That is very low, flirting with your fiance's best friend. And yes, all those prolonged hugs are body contact and an indulgence of some sort that is over the top. I'm guessing she does that to others as well. She may be beautiful, but is she really that much of a bargain if you could never rest easy that she's loyal to you and not stirring the hearts of your friends?

 

You have a true heart, but not much common sense. You have at least good enough looks to have gotten girlfriends before. You are not a hopeless case. But your fixation on this mirage before you is holding you back from find true love. You have refused to look long at "it is what it is." And what it is is your best friend's girl enjoying keeping you stirred up, and I wouldn't assume it's for any pure reason other than just likes a lot of attention. She is a performer, after all. A certain amount of narcissism comes with that.

 

So find out if your best friend is really going to marry this girl. But even if he is dragging feet doesn't mean he'd love it if you dated her. So try to be the better person here and maintain some ethics in order to keep those who have been loyal to you in your life. It would be nice to know if the marriage is really on or not. But you'd be taking a huge chance even if things went as you planned and you'd lose a friend in the process and then end up in the same position he was, with a wishy-washy drama queen.

[kivan3x]

many thanks for the reply and advice preraph, it's really appreciated.

 

So.. I met her through him, he adores her, they only got engaged a year or two ago.

 

I feel I must jump to her defence, I guess I didn't paint a pretty picture.. i have described the 'events' from the perspective of my delusions, she really hasn't done anything wrong. Long hugs and sincere emotion because we are very close friends, it is just me misreading it all based on a misunderstanding. It's just a load of separate non incidents that my illogical brain has put together to make incident where there is none. I wouldn't call her flirtatious, nor attention seeking, she really isn't. She's a lot of fun and very social, but is equally guarded, independent and strong.

 

The issue here I think is how I was able to misread the situation and create such a deluded fantasy from it and for that to effect me as much as it did

 

It's also important for me to realise I didn't have any feelings for her, knowing her as a close friend for years, until I thought she *might* have feelings for me, and really it's only all erupted from two recent non incidents that my brain made huge.

 

So I'll get over it. and hopefully learn a lesson or two too

 

But I think this has been good for me. I've been happy the last few years being alone, but it's been a kinda numb happiness, and even though I'm neither looking for a relationship, nor avoiding one, subconsciously I guess I have associated it as something to run away from. but all this has made me want it again.. to fall in love with an amazing (SINGLE) woman again. it's been a wee while

[todreaminblue]

it sucks when you love someone and they dont love you back the same way.....unrequited love.....and you can with endless hope read things into small occurrences that mean nothing.....

 

how i deal with love i cant give..is i write it out ...similar to what you did here...poetically.....ill write poetry.....i will write down positive reasons why i feel i love them all the traits i adore......

 

god has reasons for everything....people who cross your path...and sometimes we arent meant to understand why they are there....in our path walking with us

 

is it to love...to help...to guide...to be guided....to have...to hold....to marry...to let go...to be a friend...to have a friend...brother or lover........or simply to have fun.....or are they there so those positive traits we adore....are what we go looking for.....in mates....or in ourselves...

 

do we define who we are on seeing the beauty in others..in loving another..do we develop that beauty in ourselves too......i feel that we do....do we find the ability to love selflessly through the unrequited love for someone who gives nothing back.an unconditional love that feeds on hopes more than desire and fulfilment......maybe...its a learning curve from a higher power......to show us love.....and how it can hurt.....but yet...feel wonderful all at the same time..that excitement..the joy you feel when around them.....that forgiveness....you feel for them.....for not knowing how you really feel.....

 

all i know is that loving someone can never be bad......it can in the case of unrequited...be...inconvenient..but maybe what god is trying to say....

 

is that love should not be convenient.....or of convenience.....but something that needs to be felt ...and treasured for being love......and a patience developed to let gods will form and take shape...to be built upon a strong foundation of selfless love fro god knows what should be and what shouldnt be.....he holds the keys to open doors....or close them

 

if you have ever been numb....where you feel nothing.....for no one...not even yourself..feeling unrequited love for someone is actually a blessing....a re awakening.....a new resolved to live and love spirit.....

 

what does help is to accept it....feel it....know it cant go anywhere..and forgive yourself and the person you have love for......and get out and meet another.....date others....with a broader understanding of love and understanding......and when you find someone who feels the same for you..or who loves you deeply...you wont take them for granted...i wish you well on your path with whomever that path leads you too.......deb

Edited July 25, 2016 by todreaminblue

[kivan3x]

dear Deb. thank you for your beautiful words and advice - it is warming to hear. I completely agree with it all.

 

now it's funny you should say about poetry because I wrote my first ever poem the other day.

 

Now I totally wouldn't have shared it with anyone but well with the anonymity of here and the curiousness of you mentioning it, I figure.. why not?

 

xx

 

Phantom Heart

 

I fell

in Love

with a thought

 

a phantom

of a feeling

 

I fell

 

I fell in Love

with a phantom

a ghost

 

that wasn’t real

a figment

of a person

 

I fell

in Love

with

 

I fell in love with

 

a feeling

that wasn’t real

but felt realer

 

than

 

most

[SevenCity]

First thing is don't become best friends with your buddy's girl. It's bad news that will cause tension at least, and ruin friendships and relationships at worst.

 

You need to put her on the "off limits" list. And then find your own girl. It's easy to fall for a friends girl because he has done all the hard work of getting her.

 

Regardless if she has feelings for you or not, it's a non starter and holding you back from meeting a girl of your own.

 

Also, if you were a friend to this guy you would tell him what she said about feelings for another guy (reference: "bros before hoes").

 

I don't understan how someone can pine over a girl who they've never been with. I lose interest real quick if I'm not getting anything in return.

 

Seriously, find your own girl. You've done it before and can do it again.

[todreaminblue]

I fell

in Love

with a thought

 

a phantom

of a feeling

 

I fell

 

I fell in Love

with a phantom

a ghost

 

that wasn’t real

a figment

of a person

 

I fell

in Love

with

 

I fell in love with

 

a feeling

that wasn’t real

but felt realer

 

than

 

most

 

beautiful .....thoughtful poem

 

here is one from me ill write the first draft here ..smilin.....

 

 

 

its a different time a different place,

i have a different body a different face,

and you told me you loved me and that you care,

i felt your strength i touched your spirit,

you threw whispers through my hair,

i felt like i have known you for years,not just a moment in time,

your face well...i memorized every line

 

i know your voice it soothed me,

let me hear my own voice and feel free

i see your heart and it calls me

from my own heart within,

loving you cant be wrong it can never be a sin,

i hear your laugh and it makes me smile,

you dont mind if i stay here a while,

 

 

even though its a different time

a different place,

i have a different body

i have a different face,

i cant leave for you see,

you

are in

my dream,

you were and are with me....deb

Edited July 25, 2016 by todreaminblue

[preraph]

It's always good to write poetry or create something out of what would otherwise be just a painful exercise in futility. As long as you are creating, you have transformed pain into beauty. I also felt I'd won a little if I could make something out of heartache.

[todreaminblue]

It's always good to write poetry or create something out of what would otherwise be just a painful exercise in futility. As long as you are creating, you have transformed pain into beauty. I also felt I'd won a little if I could make something out of heartache.

 

thats exactly it....:0)..sadness doesnt have to be some ugly creation of futile love.....when i write poetry about love.....or loving someone......i feel happiness...i feel a sense of fulfillment...and...pleasure..i created something beautiful from my feelings i have unexpressed....i have expressed them in pure form without harrassing or scaring or hurting anyone...i may have even written something to help someone else...who cant express how they feel...thats what song writers do.......

 

i may have written privately as a poem to just be for me ...or hundreds of poems for me that i wouldnt share with anyone..........to express what i feel i need to express....without having to say a word....or feel rejected or ridiculed by anyone....

 

there is beauty in creation......always will be.....destruction of self is to deny an emotions existence....to deny love...is to really to deny the creator who gave us emotion and humanity...beauty is to express them....they have purpose.....they have reason and design.....they are a gift..and unrequited love....is still love...and god is love personfied....cheesy i know...but true.......deb

Edited July 26, 2016 by todreaminblue

[Springsummer]

dear Deb. thank you for your beautiful words and advice - it is warming to hear. I completely agree with it all.

 

now it's funny you should say about poetry because I wrote my first ever poem the other day.

 

Now I totally wouldn't have shared it with anyone but well with the anonymity of here and the curiousness of you mentioning it, I figure.. why not?

 

xx

 

Phantom Heart

 

I fell

in Love

with a thought

 

a phantom

of a feeling

 

I fell

 

I fell in Love

with a phantom

a ghost

 

that wasn’t real

a figment

of a person

 

I fell

in Love

with

 

I fell in love with

 

a feeling

that wasn’t real

but felt realer

 

than

 

most

 

tell me about it.

 

I am worse than you. the worst actually. at least you know the girl very well. I fell for a complete illusion.

I lost count how many times I told myself that I am an idiot.

[kivan3x]

thanks all. exactly! using difficult emotions to inspire creativity!

 

@ SevenCity thanks for the comments, it's appreciated, but I must disagree with you.. (it's just different people with different perspectives and it's all cool.)

 

Half of my best friends are woman, most of them have partners, I am close friends with several couples as well, and I'll just as likely hang out with the she or the he.

 

it's no thing. never had feelings for any of them, why would I? that's why all this is all the stranger and hence my posting here..