Should you expose an affair if your partner had a significant other?

[SevenCity]

I've seen many posts on here that advocate exposing the affair of your partner if they are with a MM / MW BF / GF. I'm curious what everyone thinks.

 

On the one hand, exposing an affair to me seems akin to breaking their possessions as a hurt, emotional, betrayed victim. There is really nothing for you to gain other than revenge.

 

On the other hand, it could be looked at as a a way of standing up for yourself and exposing an injustice so others may be protected from this person.

 

If I were in this situation I don't know how I would react. I would think I would want to get away from the person and drama as soon as possible.

 

What say you?

[Midwestmissy]

I'll bite: I am on the side of telling. My h had an affair and knowing sooner would have helped me so much. I don't care who the source would have been, I just would have wanted to know. It's about the betrayed person's well being and sexual emotional health. I was living in a 3 person marriage and only I didn't know it.

 

I also believe that a truth can never ever do the damage of a lie. Truth will never dig a deeper hole the way one lie can. The argument about hurting the other spouse and family is bunk because the hurt is happening - the truth can end it, or at least show an honest picture of the marriage. Everyone deserves that. The first thing I did when I found out was contact the other bs. His response was that he had suspected and found evidence a year earlier. I was furious that he never let me in on it.

 

The lies were the problem - I couldn't start to heal until I knew the truth.

[Friskyone4u]

Depends on your goal.

 

If you want to try to save your relationship, the quickest and most effective way to end an affair is to expose it to the betrayed spouse/partner. The reasons

(1) the OM/OW will be most likely much less interested in continuing to cheat with your spouse or partner if they are trying to save their own ass. A good amount of the time they will drop your WW or WH when they are faced with the choice of losing their relationship rather than just enjoying the sex with your spouse.

(2) you have a good chance of having two sets of eyes watching to see if the affair goes underground or continues or starts again.

 

On top of that, how about the moral thing to do to let the betrayed spouse know that their partner is exposing them to possible disease.

 

And what is wrong with a little revenge gained by putting some havoc into the life of the individual who has been an eager participant in destroying your relationship.

 

And lastly,, by watching your partners reaction when you they find out you have exposed them, you will get a pretty good idea if they are interested in protecting you or the AP.

[Toodaloo]

I don't think I would bother. I would just ditch their sorry ass and be done with it.

 

My ex was picking up women on dating sites. I discovered four that he was sleeping with, there could have been more. They clearly didn't know he was in a relationship and the reason why he couldn't stay over night was because he had to come back to me...

 

I told his best friend.

 

The reaction was a shrug. She was female. So I would have expected more reaction. But nothing. Nadda. I suspect she knew already.

 

I don't think I would ever bother speaking about it again unless asked. It resolves absolutely nothing. You still hurt, you still feel all those emotions and for what?

 

The pain doesn't go away until the cheater goes away...

 

As for me being the other woman? If I had so much of a sniff of another woman being in the picture either casual date, girlfriend or wife then I am out of there. If I found out I was the OW late in I would ditch him and walk. I doubt I would speak to the wife purely because what is the point? Why then intentionally hurt her more than I already (unknowingly) have? Would she believe me anyway? Probably not so leave them be to sort out their own problems.

[whichwayisup]

I've seen many posts on here that advocate exposing the affair of your partner if they are with a MM / MW BF / GF. I'm curious what everyone thinks.

 

On the one hand, exposing an affair to me seems akin to breaking their possessions as a hurt, emotional, betrayed victim. There is really nothing for you to gain other than revenge.

 

On the other hand, it could be looked at as a a way of standing up for yourself and exposing an injustice so others may be protected from this person.

 

If I were in this situation I don't know how I would react. I would think I would want to get away from the person and drama as soon as possible.

 

What say you?

 

If you knew going in that the person you've had the affair with was married or had a girlfriend/boyfriend, then you also need to ask yourself why you'd involved yourself in a situation like that. It's one thing to be lied to and have no idea that he/she is seeing someone else or is married, it's another to know and still go ahead with the affair.

[Lady Hamilton]

If I woke up in an alternate universe and discovered my husband was having an affair, I wouldn't tell the OW's BS. Having been the OW, I know that when the BS finds out, there's every chance that her BS will boot her out of the house as opposed to working it out. If that happens, she can make getting to my husband a full time job. Her ability to meet with him gets that much easier. Even if he were slightly tempted to go back to her, her availability makes it easier for him to do so.

 

I'd opt for the opposite... End it via ghosting and acting like the AP never existed. No contact to say goodbye, no contact by me to find anything out., no contacting her BS... Just be gone. Total freeze out.

 

Then I'd figure out the rest from there.

[mrs rubble]

I unknowingly got involved with a man who was engaged to someone else.

As soon as I found out I got hold of her phone number and told her. She abused me for telling her and married the scumbag anyway. He denied it all of course.

 

I feel like I did the right thing my conscience is clear.

Not my fault they're both morons.

[SevenCity]

I unknowingly got involved with a man who was engaged to someone else.

As soon as I found out I got hold of her phone number and told her. She abused me for telling her and married the scumbag anyway. He denied it all of course.

 

I feel like I did the right thing my conscience is clear.

Not my fault they're both morons.

 

Interesting points. And not the first time I've heard of the BS not believing it and you become the bad guy (or girl).

 

I think for me it would only be a vindictive response to tell. Which I might in the situation. But the take the high road guy in me would want to just walk.

[RecentChange]

I had a physical affair with a married man that lasted several months, I was cheating as well - *I* had a D Day - and immediately went NC with him. I don't think he had a D Day, but can't be certain.

 

Any way, I didn't expose him, my spouse kinda wanted to, but quickly dropped it.

 

Sounds weird, because I was involved with him, but honestly, I felt that his life, his marriage, wasn't any of my business.. Besides, it sounded like an invite for a whole world of drama.

 

I cut ties, moved on with my life.

 

I'd opt for the opposite... End it via ghosting and acting like the AP never existed. No contact to say goodbye, no contact by me to find anything out., no contacting her BS... Just be gone. Total freeze out.

 

Then I'd figure out the rest from there.

 

This is essentially what I did.

[mizunomead]

As a former BS i would want to know. Period. Don't really care how i found out, or who told me but i would want to know. Then i could make a decision on my marriage/relationship moving forward with all the facts about my partner and the relationship i am in.

As a former BS my decision, was, and always will be to exit the relationship post haste. I have no room in my life for someone with that little disregard for me, my emotions and my health.

I would not really care what the motivations were of the person that told me. Who they were, or how they were involved. I would just want to know so i could know the truth about my partner and i could leave.