Relationship anxiety, next

[newheart]

[8 month relationship, me 39 w/ kids, him 42 no kids]

 

I turned down an evening with my BF Tuesday, and felt bad about this because 1) the kids were away and we have limited opportunity to spend time together as is, but we were just coming off of a 3 day weekend we spent entirely together and I had some things I needed to do, and 2) I really did want to see him. I made plans to spend time with him on Wednesday evening instead. On Wednesday, his texts felt a little 'off' to me, though I can't really say why - they were just matter of fact, no playfulness or flirting, which could entirely be due to his work day. Of course, I read into/analyze everything. So, I showed up at his house Wednesday evening anticipating a problem, feeling like he didn't really want me there already. (It's my nature, something I am working on) We had a good time - ate, played a board game, planned our next kayaking outing.

 

All the while, I am not allowing myself to just enjoy the time, I am internally 'measuring' how he is interacting with me, feeling like he is was less happy to see me than I was to see him because he didn't seem as affectionate as usual. I might have even said that to him about not being happy to see me ( not my finest moment) and then asked him if he wanted me to go home instead of stay over, because he was clearly exhausted. He just got quiet and said he didn't understand why I felt that way, that he didn't see how he was acting any different than usual, that he didn't understand why I said I was staying over two hours ago and then was asking if I should leave, and that he felt like I was projecting my feelings in some way. I felt like an idiot. I was (am) embarrassed, and I apologized (might have made it worse because I continued to make excuses and harp on it). He said he didn't want me to be sorry, he just wanted me to be happy. By morning, he was cuddling me, rubbing my back, etc. and all seemed okay. He hugged and squeezed me tight as we said good bye and wished each other a good day.

 

But ... I am just disappointed in myself, I guess. I am seriously working on myself and my abandonment issues. I know I am a worry-er, I know I overanalyze. For the most part, I keep this to myself, but I fear I showed him a bit of my crazy on Wednesday night. This makes me more anxious - maybe he thinks I am too much work, maybe I am not worth the drama, maybe he changed his mind about me, etc. etc.

 

Yesterday, no texts all day. Again, not entirely bad or unusual given I just left him in the morning, but given the context of the day before, caused a lot of anxiety for me. We both golf on Thursdays (separately), so I waited until I was home for the night and texted him about his day. We exchanged a few texts and said good night.

 

Tonight, I pick up my children and we go back to our "regular routine" which, I am certain, contributed to my feeling anxious to begin with, because we see each other much less. We do have plans to go kayaking Sunday.

 

I am sort of ashamed to admit ... I don't know how to proceed. I don't know if I am making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to be, and I should just continue business as usual and text him good morning. Or, should I just give him some space and let him contact me first? But, that feels like game playing to me. I feel ridiculous that I am in a relationship, and I am having to figure out what my next move is. In a way, because of my past which I won't get into, it is almost like this is my first real relationship. Hell, this IS my first "real" relationship. Sometimes, I even think although I love this person unlike I've ever loved before, that this is too much work and I am not capable of doing this right. I need to get out of my own head, sigh.

 

Anyway, even if you don't have advice, thank you for listening ... writing is cathartic. But if you have any suggestions on how to cope or where to go from here, I'd appreciate it. Please be gentle.

[Redhead14]

[8 month relationship, me 39 w/ kids, him 42 no kids]

 

I turned down an evening with my BF Tuesday, and felt bad about this because 1) the kids were away and we have limited opportunity to spend time together as is, but we were just coming off of a 3 day weekend we spent entirely together and I had some things I needed to do, and 2) I really did want to see him. I made plans to spend time with him on Wednesday evening instead. On Wednesday, his texts felt a little 'off' to me, though I can't really say why - they were just matter of fact, no playfulness or flirting, which could entirely be due to his work day. Of course, I read into/analyze everything. So, I showed up at his house Wednesday evening anticipating a problem, feeling like he didn't really want me there already. (It's my nature, something I am working on) We had a good time - ate, played a board game, planned our next kayaking outing.

 

All the while, I am not allowing myself to just enjoy the time, I am internally 'measuring' how he is interacting with me, feeling like he is was less happy to see me than I was to see him because he didn't seem as affectionate as usual. I might have even said that to him about not being happy to see me ( not my finest moment) and then asked him if he wanted me to go home instead of stay over, because he was clearly exhausted. He just got quiet and said he didn't understand why I felt that way, that he didn't see how he was acting any different than usual, that he didn't understand why I said I was staying over two hours ago and then was asking if I should leave, and that he felt like I was projecting my feelings in some way. I felt like an idiot. I was (am) embarrassed, and I apologized (might have made it worse because I continued to make excuses and harp on it). He said he didn't want me to be sorry, he just wanted me to be happy. By morning, he was cuddling me, rubbing my back, etc. and all seemed okay. He hugged and squeezed me tight as we said good bye and wished each other a good day.

 

But ... I am just disappointed in myself, I guess. I am seriously working on myself and my abandonment issues. I know I am a worry-er, I know I overanalyze. For the most part, I keep this to myself, but I fear I showed him a bit of my crazy on Wednesday night. This makes me more anxious - maybe he thinks I am too much work, maybe I am not worth the drama, maybe he changed his mind about me, etc. etc.

 

Yesterday, no texts all day. Again, not entirely bad or unusual given I just left him in the morning, but given the context of the day before, caused a lot of anxiety for me. We both golf on Thursdays (separately), so I waited until I was home for the night and texted him about his day. We exchanged a few texts and said good night.

 

Tonight, I pick up my children and we go back to our "regular routine" which, I am certain, contributed to my feeling anxious to begin with, because we see each other much less. We do have plans to go kayaking Sunday.

 

I am sort of ashamed to admit ... I don't know how to proceed. I don't know if I am making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to be, and I should just continue business as usual and text him good morning. Or, should I just give him some space and let him contact me first? But, that feels like game playing to me. I feel ridiculous that I am in a relationship, and I am having to figure out what my next move is. In a way, because of my past which I won't get into, it is almost like this is my first real relationship. Hell, this IS my first "real" relationship. Sometimes, I even think although I love this person unlike I've ever loved before, that this is too much work and I am not capable of doing this right. I need to get out of my own head, sigh.

 

Anyway, even if you don't have advice, thank you for listening ... writing is cathartic. But if you have any suggestions on how to cope or where to go from here, I'd appreciate it. Please be gentle.

 

how to cope -- Keep focused on you and your life and be busy.

 

Maintain your usual contact habits. Don't do anything different. Sit back and relax. When you don't know what to do in a situation, you should either do nothing or at least not change what's been working.

 

This time, wait for him to contact you first. Take things one day at a time and don't project. You need to quell your insecurities until you have a real sense that they are well founded after a period of time. In other words, if you are feeling insecure over an extended period of time, say a couple of weeks, then there may be something to address. Otherwise, it's a blip or just in your own mind. Life and relationships have ebbs and tides and you need to apply a little logic (which you are trying to do by recognizing, for instance, that after having spent three days together, there may be a little space following). Try to balance your emotions with logic.

 

I fear I showed him a bit of my crazy on Wednesday night -- If you've only done this once in 8 months, you're doing pretty good And, if that puts him off to the point of not wanting to be with you, then he's not too concerned about you. But, he seemed to have handled it ok at the time. Go by that. Go by what you actually know rather than what you "think" sometimes.

 

All this said, it may be time for a conversation about the relationship. If it's bothering you so much as to come across to him, it's going to create some issues. Communication is a good thing.

 

For now though, sit back and observe. Chill. Go kayaking and have a great time!

[NTV]

I think you are making a bigger deal out of it than is really there.

 

 

Also, based on what your BF said about projecting, I think he's probably a genius of some kind.

 

 

Why create a reason to not enjoy your time with him? Maybe you could try being honest about feeling guilty for your day to yourself?

[newheart]

Also, based on what your BF said about projecting, I think he's probably a genius of some kind.

Funny - I agree, lol. He has this uncanny ability to see right through me. I am still trying to figure out if this is good or not, lol.

 

I think it is less about my feeling guilty (though you are right, I did!) but more about the uncertainty of where we were headed as we revert back to our schedule of seeing each other less frequently. I think I had a minor freak out about this. The worst part is that I knew I was feeling anxious before I got to his house, and I let it get away from me.

 

Thank you both for your responses! They have been helpful to put this into perspective!