Jump to content

Long Time Single = Not Relatonship Material?


Recommended Posts

Do you think it is harder to have a serious relationship the longer you have been single / divorced?

 

Lately, with people I know, there has been a lot of discussion as if the longer you are single the worse it is. Meaning, if you are single beyond x years its like a red flag or something and you are not relationship material.

 

I have one friend whos been divorced for 14 years. We both talk about being perpetual bachelors so maybe its true. Frankly, I could care less if ever get married again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you think it is harder to have a serious relationship the longer you have been single / divorced?

 

Lately, with people I know, there has been a lot of discussion as if the longer you are single the worse it is. Meaning, if you are single beyond x years its like a red flag or something and you are not relationship material.

 

I have one friend whos been divorced for 14 years. We both talk about being perpetual bachelors so maybe its true. Frankly, I could care less if ever get married again.

 

I would imagine the longer it is, the more set in their ways one becomes.

 

For me, it's been almost six months and I feel like I am even getting too set in my ways now.... I actually love not having to answer to anyone, be accountable to anyone, do what I want, when I want.

 

I am becoming very conditioned to having my own space and loving my lone time!

 

But I suppose just like it was immediately after we broke up (but reversed), once I meet a guy who knocks my socks off, and I want to move forward in a RL with him, it will be an adjustment and re-conditioning myself to be with someone, instead of alone.

 

Fortunately for me I am very flexible in this regard, so I don't imagine it will be all that difficult.

 

But for people less flexible, the adjustment and re-conditioning may be more difficult and in some cases, not even worth it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me it is a red flag, but I wish people would take time to get to know you and why you are where/who you are.

 

Without the extensive explanation as to the type of relationship/man I want, all I can say is I am capable of and have given care, fidelity, and proper treatment to the men I get involved with. Thing is, without the kids and a white picket fence, hard to keep them around for long - no matter how great it is. Also, my independence scares a lot of men. Men need to be needed, and if you are independent, biologically you're a turn off...well, unless you want a bum/leech of a guy and no, I don't want a pet, leech, and/or bum.

 

And yes, with age you get more set in your ways. You get used to doing stuff on your own as a single person and every time I meet a guy and fit him into my life, it "is" an adjustment.

 

Like right now the schedules between my guy and I is one reason we didn't hit it off for a while and now that we have, I'm working hard to make time for him cuz like I said, I "do" treat my men well. So, from the outside a guy might see me as a red flag for being perpetually single, but they don't know half of the story and sad that they won't take the time to see it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger

Nah, dude you are interpreting the data wrong. I think the longer you are single the more independent you are, and the more you don't need to carry another person's baggage into your life. I am realizing more so than ever that I don't want a relationship I want to be in love. That's asking a lot more than wanting to carry someone's weight just so you are less lonely. You can always find some woman who needs her bills paid but it's hard for everyone to find someone you can love. That gets harder as you get older because the pool supposedly dwindles down but that might be a myth also. It's certainly harder to meet those people but they are out there... somewhere...

Link to post
Share on other sites

good question OP and I have been wondering too. It also means what you mean by 'single'. Completely solitary or not being in a serious relationship for years?

 

I'm the latter, officially divorced 9 years ago but been split up from my ex husband for about 15 years (or there abouts) and been in love since but I don't have anything to show for it: a second marriage or cohabiting.

 

However, I am much better at screening people and I also think that 'being set in your ways' isn't a bad thing - as long as you are compatible with someone else who likes your ways. It might just mean that you are less likely to get tangled in a codependent relationship.

 

I am 43 (got married really young) and haven't given up on finding someone long term yet, though marriage doesn't interest me, no. Not even cohabiting. I'd love to meet someone who is looking to tie himself to one woman but who isn't looking for 24/7 entanglement.

 

Some see that as bad I guess, to me that would be heaven :love:

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
marriage doesn't interest me, no. Not even cohabiting. I'd love to meet someone who is looking to tie himself to one woman but who isn't looking for 24/7 entanglement.

 

Some see that as bad I guess, to me that would be heaven :love:

 

Yip - that's how I feel.

I've pretty much decided I can't do cohabiting any more.

I'm sensing a growing number of people who feel like this.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Not that I wouldn't give up my free wheeling ways if Mrs Wonderful came along but like many of you said I am happy to have my own place, my own time and am very content with my life. Having friends and enough dating opportunities doesn't hurt either.

 

In the 6 years I have been single I have had several LTRs and have been with women that wanted to get married and or cohabitate. I am truly thankful that I never fell into that trap.

 

I never looked at being single as a bad thing.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I never looked at being single as a bad thing.

If I was forced to choose between single and married without a third option, I'd pick single.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Emilia, without a moments thought I'd pick single.

 

Most of my married friends are miserable and or cheating on each other. The rest are most likely getting divorced once the kids are out of the house.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a married guy but do realize that cheating is extremely easy these days and cover it up under a huge blanket of lies. Loyalty , devotion , integrity is hard to find.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine
good question OP and I have been wondering too. It also means what you mean by 'single'. Completely solitary or not being in a serious relationship for years?

 

I'm the latter, officially divorced 9 years ago but been split up from my ex husband for about 15 years (or there abouts) and been in love since but I don't have anything to show for it: a second marriage or cohabiting.

 

However, I am much better at screening people and I also think that 'being set in your ways' isn't a bad thing - as long as you are compatible with someone else who likes your ways. It might just mean that you are less likely to get tangled in a codependent relationship.

 

I am 43 (got married really young) and haven't given up on finding someone long term yet, though marriage doesn't interest me, no. Not even cohabiting. I'd love to meet someone who is looking to tie himself to one woman but who isn't looking for 24/7 entanglement.

 

Some see that as bad I guess, to me that would be heaven :love:

 

This is exactly how I feel. I would only want to be in a relationship if I have considerable freedom, space and alone time. I only want to be with one man at the time though so it's tricky. My experience is that guys either want 24/7 or if not they are juggling multiple women.

 

The thought of cohabiting repulses me TBH.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

i would question more a perpetual string of short lived relationships rather than someone who hasnt had many or none but has many short lived relationships to me shows a possible fickleness...maybe commitment issues...

 

went out with a guy even though i knew this was the case of constant relationships....gave him a chance.....and he admitted to me he loves the honeymoon period and would rather end his relationships before they turn sour.....while things were good.....needless to say...i realized he wasnt for me and ended it myself...he loved the chase and the honeymoon period but he would pike out when you had to add effort and a bit of work ....he had seriosu commitment issues and he was just a constant dater..

 

 

a guy who has not had a high number of relationships is probably more discerning and doesnt date to just date and have sex on tap..... deb

Link to post
Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse

Unfortunately, the two times in my life I took a chance on having a serious R with a guy who hadn't ever had a serious relationship before (in their mid twenties) I got burnt, they dumped me after a while because they just weren't ready for the challenges and commitment of a relationship.

 

In comparison, the men I've dated who've had previous serious relationships (and given that I'm in my twenties I'm talking exclusively together or cohabiting of a year or more, not marriage) have been great partners, used to putting someone else's needs first and prepared for the normal ups and downs that all couples go through, rather than bailing as soon as arguments start because they don't realise they're normal.

 

So I would be enormously put off by someone who had no relationship history. There's also that stigma of 'if they're so great why has nobody else snapped them up?' Which isn't fair but pervades nonetheless.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it means you aren't relationship material but it will be difficult to change your ways should you get involved seriously again.

 

For myself, I feel like the longer I'm single, the longer I'll be single because I've adjusted to the peace and quiet of doing things my own way. I can't do what I want when I want really because I have a child to raise, but I do enjoy not having to talk to anyone after he goes to bed. I'd hate to give that up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

we're looking At the wrong cues. I know a lot of people jumping from one RS to the next avoiding to be single / with themselves & a lot of bitter single people taking out in their new partners the pain from their past.

 

In my humble opinion, the only thing that matters is if one is ready to love. Be vulnerable. Be honest.

 

The living arrangements - **** that sh*t, that comes later. What do I have. Obviously toxic enmeshed dynamic are a no no. But à truly close RS with someone I love and who loved me back ? Yeah, I want that thing. Haven't lived with a man in 8-9 years and love my independence, but I am not an avoider of intimacy. I would want to live with my partner, making enough Space for him to be free and for me to be free as well. I don't need to be living in separate apartments to keep my independence and keep my healthy boundaries that include time for myself.

 

There are various degrees of closeness & emotional intimacy. I was scared all of my Life of that. I want to stop being afraid and just live & experience a beautiful, close, intimate RS. I Will not chose à partner who'll put conditions -" yeah, but I don't wanna move in" because these are just excuses for emotional unavailability. Been that way my whole life. I want to experience true closeness & true intimacy with a person who is open and wants the same thing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...