getsmartie Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Bf and I have been together for 2 years now. We are both in our 50's. We both agreed we would move in together once the kids are off. My last one will be out of house in a few months. His youngest should be leaving for uni next sept....still 16 months away. He thinks it's too far away to start talking about logistics. I on the other hand am a planner. Am a little frustrated because there are tons of details I want to talk about...doesn't mean they would be written in stone. I have a sizable equity vs him so of course I need to protect my assets with a cohabital agreement. Other things that matter to me is where we live, how to divide up bills, cleaning, cooking. Not sure it would be fair to split the bills when I would be able to pay for a home in its entirety not to mention he makes more than double than I. This is the bulk of it but there's more. The only thing he's agreed upon is not leaving these discussions to the last 3-4 months prior. Thoughts? Am I honestly getting ahead of myself or do I have legit reasons to bring these discussions sooner? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Considering you have been together for two years and STILL have 16 months before any of this could even happen, yeah - I think it is too early to discuss logistics, especially financial ones. I would think that two years in, you kind of already know how he cleans his house (or has it done?), takes care of laundry, etc. So those sorts of things shouldn't be a logistical discussion but personal upkeep that would start to occur organically the more you see each other. The only discussions I think might be worth starting is the where to live just to see if you two are on the same page with buying a new home or renting one just to get apprised of what is happening in the market and to start watching trends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 If you are thinking about buying, 16 months might not be enough time. You have to sell your house, find something else, close etc. I would not co mingle funds at all. In your shoes, I'd buy something in a neighbor he likes with some input from him, then let him pay you some sort of rent & split the rest of the bills. You keep your equity & he keeps his income. Then you see if that needs to change should you decide to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 There are a number of discussion points here which wouldn't need to be sat down and figured out. Where to live? Do you not discuss these things in every day conversations? Like, you see a house for sale and wonder aloud what it would be like to live there? Or muse about living near the beach? Or close to facilities? Sharing cooking and cleaning? I agree with the poster who said that you should already be able to observe how that will go down. If he's lazy and you do all the work, then expect it to continue that way. But if the two of you muck in together an get things done, then you should be fine. Finances, same thing. Do you already have similar views on spending vs saving? Simply observing how he does things is the way forward. Thing is, he can make all the agreements in the world, but how he lives NOW is the best indicator of what you're going to get. The only thing you may want to do this early is get legal advice on protecting your assets. Even if you don't share this info with him yet, it's good to mentally have your ducks in a line. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) OP your question was when to bring this up. Since it is at least 16 months away, and being that anything could happen during that 16 months, including you could break up.....it is way too soon to bring this up... Six months prior to would be a good time to start discussing. I would not sell your home. When you are ready to move in together, rent it out and start discussing logistics. Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author getsmartie Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 Thanks for the responses. It's not a question of his laziness because he's not or his cleanliness because we're on par. That s part of the reason we are waiting for his daughter to leave for school, she leaves a garbage trail wherever she goes....my own daughter has moved out and I'm not about to pick up after a teen girl again! Yes my question related more to timing of this discussion. Also on my mind is the fact that I'm home early from work as I start at 6am so I know for sure ill be doing all the cooking and I'm sure I'll be doing all the cleaning. Thinking of this I'm afraid I'll feel resentful when the time comes. Again these are discussions that I feel need to be had. That being said, I understand that there is still 16 months to go. In terms of homes, we live in a very expensive city so my assets are pretty much tied up in my home. It's so much easier to share bills and house debt when we're younger as most us have nothing in our 20's. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 (edited) Thanks for the responses. It's not a question of his laziness because he's not or his cleanliness because we're on par. That s part of the reason we are waiting for his daughter to leave for school, she leaves a garbage trail wherever she goes....my own daughter has moved out and I'm not about to pick up after a teen girl again! Yes my question related more to timing of this discussion. ****Also on my mind is the fact that I'm home early from work as I start at 6am so I know for sure ill be doing all the cooking and I'm sure I'll be doing all the cleaning. Thinking of this I'm afraid I'll feel resentful when the time comes. Again these are discussions that I feel need to be had. That being said, I understand that there is still 16 months to go. In terms of homes, we live in a very expensive city so my assets are pretty much tied up in my home. It's so much easier to share bills and house debt when we're younger as most us have nothing in our 20's. Your third paragraph above (with asterisk)..... you are definitely jumping the gun there. Over-thinking for sure. Enjoy your next year together and don't worry about this stuff... It is a year and a half away! Also, I lived with my bf for nearly three years .... we didn't have any *rules* ...he cooked, I cooked (which nearly always turned into a disaster lol), we both cleaned, we would talk daily about who would do what *that* day/night and things just flowed naturally ..... Hate *rules* ....so rigid! Try to be flexible! That is like the best quality! And one in which he will surely appreciate . I mean no disrespect, but you sound a bit intense/overly-anxious tbh... Edited May 29, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Author getsmartie Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 Your third paragraph above (with asterisk)..... you are definitely jumping the gun there. Over-thinking for sure. Enjoy your next year together and don't worry about this stuff... It is a year and a half away! Also, I lived with my bf for nearly three years .... we didn't have any *rules* ...he cooked, I cooked (which nearly always turned into a disaster lol), we both cleaned, we would talk daily about who would do what *that* day/night and things just flowed naturally ..... Hate *rules* ....so rigid! Try to be flexible! That is like the best quality! And one in which he will surely appreciate . I mean no disrespect, but you sound a bit intense/overly-anxious tbh... Haha ok point taken. I'm not intense but I'm definitely an over thinker! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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