Commitment Phobes , Urgh!

[mikeylo]

How do most of the people who are associated in any way with commitment phobes deal ?

My brother , is one. He drives everyone crazy around him , including himself. In younger days he was extremely good looking , charismatic and what not and got used to so much female attention without having to work for it that he won't commit to one woman. He always chose women who would want a fling with him and sex it up for him.

He wants to be in a stable decent relationship ( lmao) but wants to keep his ' other women 'friends' " on the side. He flirts indecently , openly , obnoxiously , and what not but wants his future ' wife ' to accept his ' need'. How is that justifiable ? Who would do that ?

 

Every other day I have to listen to him being ' miserable ' !

How do I deal with him ?

[Fruitee]

Tell him to grow up and that he cant keep the cake and eat the cake. He needs to make a decision. Or he will grow old alone. Unless he is able to keep his looks and has money.

[katiegrl]

How do most of the people who are associated in any way with commitment phobes deal ?

My brother , is one. He drives everyone crazy around him , including himself. In younger days he was extremely good looking , charismatic and what not and got used to so much female attention without having to work for it that he won't commit to one woman. He always chose women who would want a fling with him and sex it up for him.

He wants to be in a stable decent relationship ( lmao) but wants to keep his ' other women 'friends' " on the side. He flirts indecently , openly , obnoxiously , and what not but wants his future ' wife ' to accept his ' need'. How is that justifiable ? Who would do that ?

 

Every other day I have to listen to him being ' miserable ' !

How do I deal with him ?

 

The only thing I would suggest is distancing yourself a bit so as to avoid having to listen to him whining, etc ad nauseum.

 

I realize he is family and that you have to see and interact with him occasionally...... but there is only so much we should be expected to tolerate.....

 

When you do see him keep it simple and if he starts whining, politely excuses yourself.

 

He is who he is, he is not changing no matter what you say to him.

 

Anyway that is what I do with toxic people, whether friends or family.

 

Toxic people bring me down big time and depress me.

 

No reason to expose myself to that ......

 

Best of luck!

[mikeylo]

Tell him to grow up and that he cant keep the cake and eat the cake. He needs to make a decision. Or he will grow old alone. Unless he is able to keep his looks and has money.

 

He is 50 this year and acts like he is still in his 20s! He has no problem chatting up women with whom he has no intention to have any relationship with but keeps an ever growing 'pack' of those women.

 

Of course he can't keep his looks forever and no way is he loaded with money. It's annoying and at the same time I feel sorry for him. He doesn't realize that these women will never love him or care about him like the one to whom he would commit and give up these useless women for ! It's a very hard thing for him to get. It would hurt to see him grow old and sick with no real love around. We are here for him but it's not the same.

 

I hope for a miracle for him!

[mikeylo]

The only thing I would suggest is distancing yourself a bit so as to avoid having to listen to him whining, etc ad nauseum.

 

I realize he is family and that you have to see and interact with him occasionally...... but there is only so much we should be expected to tolerate.....

 

When you do see him keep it simple and if he starts whining, politely excuses yourself.

 

He is who he is, he is not changing no matter what you say to him.

 

Anyway that is what I do with toxic people, whether friends or family.

 

Toxic people bring me down big time and depress me.

 

No reason to expose myself to that ......

 

Best of luck!

 

Thanks. I guess you are right. He IS becoming toxic not just for me but for himself as well. He knows he wants to ' settle' down but his unreal 'needs' are an obstruction. I adviced him once that the only way to have these women around while committed to one woman is to find a woman who would have same morals / values , meaning , who has a need to keep other guy friends around. Any other , monogamous would not accept it. He blew up big time ! His woman should have eyes and heart only for him ! He is twisted.

 

It hurts to see him not having experienced real love and care. Plenty of flings under his belt though.

[katiegrl]

Thanks. I guess you are right. He IS becoming toxic not just for me but for himself as well. He knows he wants to ' settle' down but his unreal 'needs' are an obstruction. I adviced him once that the only way to have these women around while committed to one woman is to find a woman who would have same morals / values , meaning , who has a need to keep other guy friends around. Any other , monogamous would not accept it. He blew up big time ! His woman should have eyes and heart only for him ! He is twisted.

 

It hurts to see him not having experienced real love and care. Plenty of flings under his belt though.

 

Have you ever suggested he speak with a professional?

 

A therapist who specializes in these issues? Fear of intimacy and/or commitment?

 

Surely, at 50 years of age he is enlightened enough to acknowledge he definitely has some issues that need resolving ... if he is ever going to find love and commitment, the things he *says* he wants!

 

There are also lots of great books out there that might help him.....

 

I guess what I am asking is, has he done any introspection in an attempt to help himself? To figure out his pattern and take steps to resolve?

[mikeylo]

Have you ever suggested he speak with a professional?

 

A therapist who specializes in these issues? Fear of intimacy and/or commitment?

 

Surely, at 50 years of age he is enlightened enough to acknowledge he definitely has some issues that need resolving ... if he is ever going to find love and commitment, the things he *says* he wants!

 

There are also lots of great books out there that might help him.....

 

I guess what I am asking is, has he done any introspection in an attempt to help himself? To figure out his pattern and take steps to resolve?

 

He won't see a therapist or counsellor. He knows his issues. He also knows that his ' needs' are not right BUT he justifies them under the wide blanket of what we read here on the forums : everyone has female friends, men will always look at women aka ogle , just a more decent word; my female friends were here before ; if I wanted to be with them , I would , but I'm choosing her to be my girl ; I need a woman who is not insecure or jealous or controlling ( blaming her to disguise his 'need' ) the list is endless. It's annoying as hell.

 

I guess he is past the age where he is going to change and going to be a bitter old man. My conscious is clear as I tried to make him understand.

[katiegrl]

His so called *need* to maintain *friendships* with all these different women while in a relationship is just a way to create emotional distance within his relationship .

 

It is a symptom of the larger *disease* so to speak, that disease being fear of intimacy (emotional closeness) and commitment.

 

But you are right, he is stubborn, he will never change so time to distance *yourself* from the toxicity.

 

I am sorry I know it's tough.

 

But you have done all you could.

 

You can't fix him.

[Emilia]

Tell him he is going to end up like Johnny Depp as he has just lost his looks: a sad and lonely old man.

[mikeylo]

The thing is that men like him love to talk about the issues they have with finding the right partner. In his head he has justified himself that what he is expecting ( acceptance by his partner for his blatant flirting , ogling , 'friendship ' ) is normal , nothing extraordinary. After a while it becomes annoying that he doesn't want to do anything about it and sit and find fault with every woman.

 

The women he has dated , also are flirty , who love male attention. Like attracts like probably but he can't fathom the idea of his woman doing that. Maybe he hasn't come across the woman who would love him for him and for whom he would , for once , try to be a ' normal ' man.

 

At 50, he should see light of the day ! I'm going to distance myself as he isn't a good influence for my son.