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Desperation for explanations when I say no


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So in case you haven't noticed yet I am kind of new to this whole dating business. One thing has been bothering me though for a while now. Why do guys start to question me when I say no.

 

For example I match with a guy in Tinder. All goes well. We change numbers. We chat. All goes well until he says something that puts me off and I don't want to meet him anymore and then he starts to demand explanations why.

 

Similar things have happened also in OkCupid. Someone messages me, I say politely no thanks and thanks for your message and so on. But they want explanations why I said no. Even when I say e.g. youre too young they continue chatting and so on.

 

Things like these seem to happen quite often in my opinion. Why is it not enough for guys to hear that the lady is not interested and then just move on? If someone tells me that they don't wanna see me or what not I dont stay to demand explanations why he said no. :confused:

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LookAtThisPOst
So in case you haven't noticed yet I am kind of new to this whole dating business. One thing has been bothering me though for a while now. Why do guys start to question me when I say no.

 

For example I match with a guy in Tinder. All goes well. We change numbers. We chat. All goes well until he says something that puts me off and I don't want to meet him anymore and then he starts to demand explanations why.

 

Similar things have happened also in OkCupid. Someone messages me, I say politely no thanks and thanks for your message and so on. But they want explanations why I said no. Even when I say e.g. youre too young they continue chatting and so on.

 

Things like these seem to happen quite often in my opinion. Why is it not enough for guys to hear that the lady is not interested and then just move on? If someone tells me that they don't wanna see me or what not I dont stay to demand explanations why he said no. :confused:

 

Hm, if you're looking for a male perspective, I'll give you one.

 

It's typical of online dating. Probably because these men have been turned down/ignored so many times they reach a saturation point and try to sell you on at least giving them a first face-to-face meet.

 

Online dating is pretty daunting for us men.

 

I've been guilty attempting to occasionally ask why when I thought we were perfectly matched in belief, hobbies, activities, values, and age bracket. Sometimes I' be surprised she wouldn't be willing to meet based on how well we closely matched across the board.

 

Of course, years later they are still on the site as they just continue remain permanent fixtures. I recall taking a year long break from POF, came back a year later and still see the same women there. LOL

 

I would email them saying, "Hey, noticed you're still on here...care to give us a shot?" lol

 

Some of these very women I had ignored me would start adding stuff to their profiles, whining about how they can't meet any nice guys in the area when of course, they've been ignoring those very guys.

 

Of course, you're new to the site, so hopefully you won't be on the site that long.

 

Here's a recent example from a woman that didn't respond to me, but I followed up with a few days later:

Sometimes it's just easier to ignore than to have to answer a million questions about why I think we're not compatible.

 

I don't like to hurt people's feelings and I've had guys get really upset and even end up calling me names because I rejected them.

 

So that is why I rather not reply every time, being that you are persistent, I thought I would send you a reply.

 

We did have a friendly, back and forth about why she was living where I lived..in this back water area...apparently she can't stand the place and is only here for work related reasons, but intends on going back to Europe for the long haul...as I don't think she's a US citizen as we sometimes we get transient workers where European companies send people to the far reaches of the world...my area was one of those areas. lol

 

 

She was aware of this being a redneck/retiree area and is only tolerating it for so long, even willing to travel anywhere outside of this area to date, so apparently me being closely located within' minutes wasn't an incentive.

 

But we did have an interesting talk about her culture. She speaks 3 languages, impressive and intelligent, but her main reason was religious beliefs.. that she's not an atheist, but doesn't care for organized religion. But I assured here I wasn't one of THOSE Bible beaters so synonymous with this area.

 

Personally, I don't know why she's looking for a mate if she's only here temporarily and then gone forever.

Edited by LookAtThisPOst
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salparadise
Why is it not enough for guys to hear that the lady is not interested and then just move on?

 

 

Because guys work hard at it and get so few positive responses that when they're finally successful at capturing a woman's attention, they've invested a lot of time and energy to get there, and they're going for a conversion.

 

Women are so damn picky online; cavalier and superficial about the whole thing too. Look at how your worded that sentence... built in is an attitude that you're entitled to sort and cull and they should willingly submit to your process and not even ask a question when they're cut.

 

Men and women experience life quite differently.

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^ And do you think women are never being cut? That we dont invest our time and effort? That we do not wonder why someone just ghosted us or what not. Messaging someone is not investing time. It is investing time when you go out on a date.

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Me and my friend had both profiles in OkC and same guys send us messages which were exactly copy paste. How is that investing time? Or when they only send hi and you say hi back and thats it. Or when you actually spend time building your profile and guys just comment on your looks. Is that investing time?

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i've stopped taking online seriously.

I don't care why a woman changes her mind.

My goal now is to go from initial message to initial meet ASAP with as little effort as possible on my part.

 

Why?

Because women online are flakey as a 4 letter word that starts with f. They give out their number just for kicks it seems because this time around i've seen more numbers that went nowhere than ever before.

 

POF - "worlds biggest dating site" yeah, too bad nobody is actually meeting each other on the site.:lmao:

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LookAtThisPOst
Me and my friend had both profiles in OkC and same guys send us messages which were exactly copy paste. How is that investing time? Or when they only send hi and you say hi back and thats it. Or when you actually spend time building your profile and guys just comment on your looks. Is that investing time?

 

Or, take a guy like me that sends more than a "Hi" and actually articulates specifics in an email. I would sometimes spend a great deal of time in an initial email, pointing out things in their profile or survey questions and expounding upon them.

 

Draw parallels between our hobbies/interests

 

I.e. - "Hey, I see you like to kayak, so do I! What favorite parks or rivers do you enjoy?"

 

Things like that...but...get ignored. I've gotten ignored tons of times even when I made it rather obvious to them in the initial email that we are nicely matched..so nice to justify a meeting place.

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Why is it not enough for guys to hear that the lady is not interested and then just move on?

 

The answer is this: who cares? next.

 

Just ignore it.

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Me and my friend had both profiles in OkC and same guys send us messages which were exactly copy paste. How is that investing time? Or when they only send hi and you say hi back and thats it. Or when you actually spend time building your profile and guys just comment on your looks. Is that investing time?

 

And you are part of the problem.

You expect a man to write you poetry?

 

If a man approached you in a bar and said "hi" would you tell him to turn around and come back when he can initiate in 150 letters or more?

 

don't be riduclous.

 

Also, you are annoyed over sending "hi" back and getting ingorned? RPTFLMAO!

 

Men on a daily basis send out message after message getting ignored.

When they get a response they have to go back and forth multiple times chatting online before they get a number at that point the woman either stops responding or even just blocks you.

If you get a number then repeat until you ask to talk or go on date.

Then the woman starts playing games.

The less cruel ones just ignore you.

once a date is set they will text you like crazy flirting until the day before the date where they all of sudden go silent. a sure sign they are going to flake.

 

Or they wait until the day of to flake.

 

Now should you manage to actually meet the woman you have about 25% chance she actually looks like her pictures.

 

Now, I can promise you women do not go through this nonesense with online dating on a daily basis like men do.

 

So next time you want to complain about men messaging you just "hi" please try to understand what they are going through on the site and understand that crafting personal messages is waste of time because men have to send out 10 a day to get one or two responses.

 

How many messages a day do you get?

 

Men need to learn to take online less seriously and work on meeting women in the real world.

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LookAtThisPOst
Men on a daily basis send out message after message getting ignored.

When they get a response they have to go back and forth multiple times chatting online before they get a number at that point the woman either stops responding or even just blocks you.

If you get a number then repeat until you ask to talk or go on date.

Then the woman starts playing games.

The less cruel ones just ignore you.

once a date is set they will text you like crazy flirting until the day before the date where they all of sudden go silent. a sure sign they are going to flake.

 

Right, even when a man DOES get a response, then there's this song and dance of getting them to talk on the phone or meet in person. I had a woman I met online, talked on the phone. Set up a date, firmed it too.

 

She cancelled, didn't reschedule, and ghosted.

 

Her profile disappeared,too, which was weird.

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Men need to learn to take online less seriously and work on meeting women in the real world.

 

Men need to learn to take the whole game less seriously.

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todreaminblue

hey fruitee ....

 

online dating is so fickle...people get confused as other posters have suggested when they cop so many rejections...it can be really disheartening for some men...and women too.......they hardly ever get reasons why or good reasons why.....and i guess they may want to know what turned you off so easily so next time they mightnt do the same thing....i dont think its negative people want to know what they do wrong.....i get a little addled at guys who get nasty with me....i dont like online dating..its fickle and seems ingenuine...i prefer to know a guy anyway...so when i date.....i have already decided to carry through for more than a date....i only date with long term in mind..... i liek to develop a more genuine and mutual connection....

 

 

with guys who have been nasty with me in the past and disrespectful...groping and stuff........it turns me off online dating.....i just remain silent with them delete them whatever......

 

with guys who genuinely want to know why i wont consider dating them..i would be honest...little things dotn turn me off...it would have to be a pretty big thing...like i am celibate before marriage and they want sex before sort of thing.....so i find it easy to state why it wouldnt be good for them to date me anyway.....why i am not suitable for them..which normally...makes aguy feel better abotu rejection anyway when i blame it on me.......deb

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Well I dont think the problem is just on women. Men are flakey too. Also I always answer everyone. And I have given reasons too e.g. guy is 10 years younger than me or wants kids. Both are no go for me. Then they start to argue.

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Right, even when a man DOES get a response, then there's this song and dance of getting them to talk on the phone or meet in person. I had a woman I met online, talked on the phone. Set up a date, firmed it too.

 

She cancelled, didn't reschedule, and ghosted.

 

Her profile disappeared,too, which was weird.

 

Not weird. She met someone else.

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LookAtThisPOst
Not weird. She met someone else.

 

Could be, but you're just speculating.

 

I am banking on the fact she was currently in a relationship... a lot of people that go to these sites are sometimes even married, posing as single.

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salparadise
^ And do you think women are never being cut? That we dont invest our time and effort? That we do not wonder why someone just ghosted us or what not. Messaging someone is not investing time. It is investing time when you go out on a date.

 

Me and my friend had both profiles in OkC and same guys send us messages which were exactly copy paste. How is that investing time? Or when they only send hi and you say hi back and thats it. Or when you actually spend time building your profile and guys just comment on your looks. Is that investing time?

 

See reread what you're writing... entitlement based cynicism. You feel that you should make the rules, guys should inherently know and behave according to what you want and expect. You've been talking, but when you're done with them they should just go away quietly, no questions allowed. You feel so entitled that you don't even see it!

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LookAtThisPOst
See reread what you're writing... entitlement based cynicism. You feel that you should make the rules, guys should inherently know and behave according to what you want and expect. You've been talking, but when you're done with them they should just go away quietly, no questions allowed. You feel so entitled that you don't even see it!

 

Right, part of a single man's job when he's pursuing a woman that so easily dismisses a guy in haste is to convince her to at least give it a short meet n' greet. ;-)

 

I've know some persistent men to wind up in relationships with said women because they were able to convince them to give them a chance.

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See reread what you're writing... entitlement based cynicism. You feel that you should make the rules, guys should inherently know and behave according to what you want and expect. You've been talking, but when you're done with them they should just go away quietly, no questions allowed. You feel so entitled that you don't even see it!

 

I believe you just missed my point 100 %.

 

I dont feel I should make the rules. Who said that? I do have right to say no tho. Just like all the guys have right to say no as well. And you dont see me crying over it or begging them to change their mind in OkC.

 

If someone wants totally different things than I do or only cares to comment on my looks how is that making me feel entitled or what not?

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Right, even when a man DOES get a response, then there's this song and dance of getting them to talk on the phone or meet in person. I had a woman I met online, talked on the phone. Set up a date, firmed it too.

 

She cancelled, didn't reschedule, and ghosted.

 

Her profile disappeared,too, which was weird.

 

happens all the time to me.

water off a ducks backside. :)

 

Men need to learn to take the whole game less seriously.

 

Pretty much.

I troll women I know in real life when they text me seeking attention.

I have fun and don't really care about the outcome because if they were interested they wouldn't be texting me for attention they would be with me getting my attentions.

 

 

Could be, but you're just speculating.

 

I am banking on the fact she was currently in a relationship... a lot of people that go to these sites are sometimes even married, posing as single.

 

The majority of women online are just looking for attention and have no intentions of meeting anyone.

That is why they disappear.

They blocked you so it seems like their profile was deleted.

Because you wanted to meet and they just wanted online attention.

 

See reread what you're writing... entitlement based cynicism. You feel that you should make the rules, guys should inherently know and behave according to what you want and expect. You've been talking, but when you're done with them they should just go away quietly, no questions allowed. You feel so entitled that you don't even see it!

 

yep. I pointed this out.

I see these profiles where women without jobs who quite honestly look like trailer trash in their 5 cleavage pics or pics with booze in their hands making demands of who is allowed to contact them on the site. lol.

 

Right, part of a single man's job when he's pursuing a woman that so easily dismisses a guy in haste is to convince her to at least give it a short meet n' greet. ;-)

 

I've know some persistent men to wind up in relationships with said women because they were able to convince them to give them a chance.

 

And men need to learn to stop chasing.

I chase initially but after that forget it.

 

Heck, i've had women i slept with on the first date or hooked up with all of sudden expect me to chase them.

 

And when I didn't they would come to me, let me get so far then deny me sex.

I call them out on those games and make it clear if they want to date me, then all they need to do is keep sleeping with me & i'll date them because I refuse to go backwards with a woman romantically.

 

They usually don't like that and disappear for a bit after trying out a few other guys but eventually they do in fact come back.

 

But by then I've lost complete interest and don't even want sex if they offer it.

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I agree that after the initial chasing phase, men should stop and only reciprocitate. Women playing the field fishing for male attention and validation is exhausting.

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I agree that after the initial chasing phase, men should stop and only reciprocitate. Women playing the field fishing for male attention and validation is exhausting.

 

I have to wonder how many messages OP exchanges before rejection and if she only does it AFTER the man asks for her number like most women online do.

 

That is beyond frustrating for men online.

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I have to wonder how many messages OP exchanges before rejection and if she only does it AFTER the man asks for her number like most women online do.

 

That is beyond frustrating for men online.

 

Well like I said when I get a message and I see straight away we wouldnt be good match I answer by thanking them of their message especially if it was long and well thought, say I am not interested / looking for something else and wish them good luck or something like that.

 

E.g. this one dude was too young and after I said that he told me that I would be just bored with someone older and he has stamina... :S :D

 

Some guys I have been chatting for longer time and some met too. But for instance one guy said I have mental issues because I was busy at work and couldnt chat with him. Ofc after that I didnt wanna meet him even I gave him my number previously and we had been chatting for like 2 days. He knew I was working during that time 12 hours a day and I had told him we should meet up after I had finished my project.

 

I got quite lot of messages and matches.

 

But Im not in those apps anymore.

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LookAtThisPOst

I wanted to add, typically I single out those women who put, "Please, if you send me a message and just say, "Hi" or "Hi cutie", I won't respond."

 

So I think that if I send a well thought out email, I'd be pretty much guaranteed a response...sadly, still ignored.

 

So their little disclaimer is pretty much moot.

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Well like I said when I get a message and I see straight away we wouldnt be good match I answer by thanking them of their message especially if it was long and well thought, say I am not interested / looking for something else and wish them good luck or something like that.

 

E.g. this one dude was too young and after I said that he told me that I would be just bored with someone older and he has stamina... :S :D

 

Some guys I have been chatting for longer time and some met too. But for instance one guy said I have mental issues because I was busy at work and couldnt chat with him. Ofc after that I didnt wanna meet him even I gave him my number previously and we had been chatting for like 2 days. He knew I was working during that time 12 hours a day and I had told him we should meet up after I had finished my project.

 

I got quite lot of messages and matches.

 

But Im not in those apps anymore.

 

Don't do that.

There is nothing worse for a man online dating but to get a "thanks but no thanks" response in his inbox.

Especially when most men hardly get any responses at all.

 

You essentially just got his hopes up & then dashed them to pieces.

 

Just ignore them like the other women on the site.

Don't tell them they aren't good enough.

 

 

jeez, no wonder guys get mad at you.

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