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Rape by deception, real or not?


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Luckiestgirl

It is called Rape by Deception, or Rape by Fraud.

 

Recently I fell victim to a man that I had been dating. The guy of my dreams turned out to be married. I wrote about it in another post. I did not know he was married and called it off when I discovered the truth.

 

I have been ruminating about it because I am still very angry, humiliated, and hurt. If you google "can I sue a cheating husband", you will discover that the search results will take you mostly to "how to sue your husband's lover" (in a few states, you can), but there is mostly no protection against victims of deception.

 

Again, I am referring to women AND men who thought they were dating someone single, and were lied to. I am not referring to people who made the choice of maintaining an affair willingly.

 

Nowadays one of the key points of rape is consent - this is why it is never a good idea to have "drunk sex", as consent cannot be given.

 

But what about deception? You consent was based on false information. If you had known that person was married, you wouldn't have consented to having intercourse. In that regard, is that rape?

 

The law in my state does not cover this point, and honestly I do not have the financial resources to pursue that route, but if I did, I would.

 

In New Jersey, Assemblyman Troy Singleton has introduced a bill covering this subject. Different states have different laws. I personally wish I lived in NJ and I hope the bill becomes law, because what happened is just terrible, and in a world of internet dating, cheaters, and liars, enough is enough.

 

Some people might strongly oppose the law (cheaters?). Remember when there couldn't be rape if two people were married (spousal rape)? A lot of people thought it wasn't rape. Or when violence had to be one of the key points of Rape (Roofie anyone?).

 

So yes, I'm all for that law. Victims have absolutely zero protection under the law at the moment. Time for a change.

Edited by Luckiestgirl
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I'm sorry you went through this. Must have been a horrible shock.

 

However, I don't agree that this should fall under the heading of rape. Many of us have had sex with people who have turned out to not be the type of person they initially showed themsevles as. To me, this is more about 'buyer beware'.

 

I should also add that I'm not from the US. Many people outside the US do look at the incredible amounts of litigation over there and think that it's just crazy. Bad stuff happens. But litigation is not always the answer.

Edited by basil67
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However, I don't agree that this should fall under the heading of rape. Many of us have had sex with people who have turned out to not be the type of person they initially showed themsevles as. To me, this is more about 'buyer beware'.

 

^agreed. Its deceptive behaviour for sure but I don't get the need for litigation. What is the "loss"?

 

The term rape should not be associated with this conduct. Rape or any sort of sexual assault is a life changing violation, a serious crime. The concept should not be compromised simply because people decide to act in ways that are not very kind.

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I think it would be great to have some legal recourse from it so that it was discouraged, because it is so common and you DO feel victimized. I'm not sure rape would be the right terminology, but fraud for sexual gain would possibly fit the bill.

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thefooloftheyear

It sucks and no one likes to be duped, but if as an adult, being duped for sex(or whatever) was lawsuit worthy, the courts would never have time for anything else...

 

OP,. you made an adult decision and it turned out bad....Happens to us all...Don't dwell on it, just move on with your life...

 

Its the best thing to do at this point..

 

TFY

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Art_Critic
I'm sorry you went through this. Must have been a horrible shock.

 

However, I don't agree that this should fall under the heading of rape. Many of us have had sex with people who have turned out to not be the type of person they initially showed themsevles as. To me, this is more about 'buyer beware'.

 

I should also add that I'm not from the US. Many people outside the US do look at the incredible amounts of litigation over there and think that it's just crazy. Bad stuff happens. But litigation is not always the answer.

 

I agree, you would also have to define "married" would a common law couple whose spouse cheated be guilty of it, many women cheat. would they also be guilty of rape.

 

A separated couple is legally still married, many people go to OLD and start dating and having sex once the marriage is dead and they separate, are they guilty of rape.

 

What about married swingers...

 

I don't see a law like that being applied fairly across the board.

 

I do agree that is is wrong and it makes you feel used and cheated, when I was single I myself dated a woman for a month or so who later told me she was separated, did she rape me, no.. not in the least.

 

What if they get back together, then was it ?

 

It's sad that people do have this type of behavior but like another poster mentioned, buyer beware..

 

What about mental illness.... if a person you are dating and have sex with turns out to be mentally ill/crazy did you rape that person.. did they rape you.. no....

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todreaminblue

No its not rape....you consented...sure he is a dick head......shouldnt have lied...but lying is not rape...rape is rape.....i dont class drunk consentual sex and regretting it in the morning rape either...and thats one scenario that could be borderline...

 

rape is against your will.......plain and simple...and you feel raped...not in any way lied too....rape has no deceit involved......its brutally honest in the persons intention to degrade you..and the total disregard to your personal space ...and safety......they hate you......deb

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The point being here is that if consent is obtained by fraud and the intention to deceive, then that should not be considered informed consent.

I agree with that, but whether that should be considered under the same category as "rape" is another issue, perhaps, but it still a serious matter IMO.

Whilst trivial "white lies" may not end up being prosecuted, I feel there does need to be some law protection in the case of some people being duped into having sexual relations with people, they would never have got involved with had they been aware of the full facts.

Consent from a woman whilst she is asleep, or under the influence of drink or drugs is invalid according to the law in most places and having sex anyway with said woman is thus considered rape, so any amount of "everyone does it", or proclaiming "that isn't right" is moot as soon as the law gets involved.

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Art_Critic

The bar of being married and then lied about it to have sex with another for it to be rape is a bit vague, many people are in committed relationships, live together, have kids together etc etc... and if they go out and cheat on their BF or GF and lie to the person they pick up in a bar are they also guilty of rape.

 

Why would this law only be written for married people..

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The law shouldn't change at all.

 

It's already an unenforceable farce that everyone ignores.

 

OP has a case of regret, not rape.

 

You consented, and then changed your mind upon further facts (he wasn't available for a relationship after all). Now you are trying to rationalize that it's 'rape'.

 

Get over it.

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Why would this law only be written for married people..

 

 

The Bill proposed does not mention "married people" specifically.

 

"... state Assemblyman Troy Singleton (D-Burlington) introduced the bill (A3908), which would create the crime of “sexual assault by fraud,” which it defines as “an act of sexual penetration to which a person has given consent because the actor has misrepresented the purpose of the act or has represented he is someone he is not.”"

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thefooloftheyear

The more you think about it, the more ridiculous the scenarios...

 

Woman agrees to have sex with a guy because she thinks he is rich as he pulls up in a new S-Class..She finds out he just borrowed the car from his buddy to try to impress and she finds out later that he actually drives an old beat up Hyundai...

 

He's liable now??

 

Crazy....

 

TFY

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We really wouldn't expect men to want to have to take more responsibility for the deceptions they carry out in order to get sex, of course.

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Art_Critic

What about inside the marriage where one of the spouses one day realizes that the other was having an affair. They wouldn't have had sex with the other if they had known they cheated on them, did they rape the other ?

 

Divorce is the punishment not 20 years of prison time and having to register for life as a sex offender.

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Art_Critic
We really wouldn't expect men to want to have to take more responsibility for the deceptions they carry out in order to get sex, of course.

 

What about the women who commit the lying to get sex ?

 

Are you saying that only a man can rape a woman by deception ?

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We really wouldn't expect men to want to have to take more responsibility for the deceptions they carry out in order to get sex, of course.

 

Brand a guy as a 'rapist' because a girl didn't get her own way.

 

Throw him in jail. He'll stop paying taxes, won't be around for his kids/family, and will cost us all 50 grand a year instead.

 

A great 'progressive' idea.

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thefooloftheyear
We really wouldn't expect men to want to have to take more responsibility for the deceptions they carry out in order to get sex, of course.

 

Sure, its not nice to be deceptive, but is it something that warrants a rape charge? Both sexes do this stuff all the time..

 

 

With all of the gold digging women out there, you don't think there are "deceptions" played by women as well??...:lmao:

 

Look, if you(not you personally) are a women and value your sexuality to such a level then its simple...Don't put out so easily...Take all necessary precautions and keep legs closed.....Hire a PI and vet the person out fully....Use whatever means possible to ensure you covered all bases...Even then its a gamble....For both sides on many levels...

 

You can't complain after the fact, IMO...either it means a lot or it doesn't ...

 

TFY..

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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JustGettingBy

Calling it 'rape' is insulting to anyone who has actually been raped.

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To even consider this insults actual rape victims. Its a crappy thing to do but every crappy thing ddoes not need to involve the law.

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What about inside the marriage where one of the spouses one day realizes that the other was having an affair. They wouldn't have had sex with the other if they had known they cheated on them, did they rape the other ?

 

Divorce is the punishment not 20 years of prison time and having to register for life as a sex offender.

 

I am fairly certain that if the husband contracted a sexual disease while cheating and in turn transmitted to his wife, the wife could sue for *that*....

 

But not for cheating and definitely not for *raping* her during the course of his cheating.

 

Not that I have heard of anyway.

 

Deception is not a crime, but I suppose if she wanted to sue him in civil court, she could try.

 

There have been cases where the deceived wife sued *the woman* her husband was cheating with for destroying her marriage, or in legal terms "alienation of affection."

 

She won 9 million!

 

This was in North Carolina, I am not able to link but you can Google and find it.

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Rape by deception, real or not?

 

I don't think typical modern definitions of rape can sustain it. According to FindLaw, "the crime of rape generally refers to non-consensual sexual intercourse that is committed by physical force, threat of injury, or other duress."

 

So we'd have to look to "other duress" as the only possibility, and I don't think coercion can be considered duress. (Like say blackmail.)

 

Coercion could possibly lead to some other type of liability, similar to say fraud, but I think there'd have to be some tangible loss in order to enforce it. And I doubt retroactive sexual non-consent would really pass muster.

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You can sue- and people have sued- for fraudulent inducement, or something like that. Where there is clear damage, for knowing or reckless STD transmission for instance, I can see it’s having more teeth. But suing is different from winning. Whenever you have a he-said-she-said case, it’s pretty tough to win. Legislation wouldn’t change that.

 

I don’t like the idea of calling it rape. Rape is too important and has too strong a meaning that I don’t want to dilute.

 

I think that the rape by deception debate arose in a case where a man posed as a woman’s husband and had sex with her. She consented to sex with her husband not to sex with that man. That’s very different from consenting to sex with someone knowing his identity.

 

The only solution I can think of is to wait long enough and do your research to know what you want to know before having sex with someone. It won’t make people stop lying and it won’t expose liars but you have every right to protect yourself in any way you want.

 

Some will leave or accuse you of withholding, being manipulative or uptight, blah, blah. But just let them walk. People who pressure or coerce for anything make rotten partners anyway so it’s no loss.

 

Same as it ever was. Caveat emptor. There are liars and users in the world.

 

OP, your ex is a lying jerk who manipulated and used you. That's not your fault or responsibility in any way at all. That’s all his crap. You trusted someone and he lied. Just take measures to make sure it doesn’t happen again and let shamers take a hike.

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Calling it 'rape' is insulting to anyone who has actually been raped.

 

As someone who was dragged into an open garage on the way home from high school and forced to perform oral to get him hard so that he could enter my vagina, I was trying to write something similar but it was not as eloquent or succinct.

 

Thank you.

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Shining One
We really wouldn't expect men to want to have to take more responsibility for the deceptions they carry out in order to get sex, of course.
Both genders are guilty of deception when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. Do women really want to be accused of rape by deception for the following?

  • Wearing push-up bras.
  • Misrepresenting their age and/or weight.
  • Using makeup to cover imperfect skin.
  • Lying about their previous number of sexual partners.

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