Bad phone fight, need some outside ..

[Maliel]

(advice)

 

 

Preface: Boyfriend was driving to work so we were talking on the phone. He had about an hour before he had to be at work.

 

Situation:

I had been trying to talk to my boyfriend about an issue that has been bothering me for the past couple days (it's a sensitive topic with me that isn't that new). Yesterday I had brought it up and the whole time he was in a joking mood so he was acting really silly, to the point that i said it was making me feel like he wasn't taking me seriously. We spoke a little that day about the subject and then eventually the conversation moved on to something different.

 

Today I felt the need to talk about it again. I first mentioned that I felt like yesterday he wasn't really listening and slightly like he was belittling my feelings by laughing and joking so much. He apologized and I was mid-sentence about the subject when a friend called on the other line that he plays video games with who he doesn't talk to often, he told me to hold on a sec and clicked over.

 

At this point, for the second day in a row, I am trying to communicate with him about something and I feel as though my feelings are not being taken seriously.

 

I am now sitting on hold for 10-15 minutes, what feels like an eternity when i'm trying (for the second time) to talk about something important. I hangup the phone and call back, he doesn't answer. After putting me on hold in the beginning, he finally gets back to me around fifteen minutes later.

 

 

At this point i'm pretty livid. I felt like he was extremely inconsiderate by not communicating to me that the call would take longer than he anticipated and that he'd just call me back. We got into an argument and he began to get condescending by saying that I was 'taking myself too seriously' and being 'mean' by getting upset with him for that. I felt hurt because I felt like him clicking over and talking to a friend for a while, without saying anything to me, was really rude and trivialized my feelings. He felt like he didn't have to say anything to me cause he would just call me back. Toward the end he began generalizing saying that he can 'never click over' (untrue) and accused me of acting like I am 'more superior' than his friends and flat out told me i'm wrong in this scenario and hung up.

 

 

 

Am I nuts here for feeling upset?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I can see it from both points of view.

 

You have a problem that is causing you distress and he wont listen or take your feelings seriously. Understandably it would be very hurtful and upsetting that he would leave you hanging there on the phone like you mean nothing.

 

From his point of view, he is on his way to work so the last thing he wants is a "serious" conversation. He doesn't want to hear about it anymore. He already tried to avoid the conversation the day before by trying to make light of what you were saying to get you to stop.

 

He has not handled the situation well and has been hurtful towards you so you have the right to feel hurt by that, but it is also clear that whatever you want to talk to him about is not something he wants to discuss and you can't force him.

 

These types of communication issues can drive people apart. Soon he will start to pull away, thinking all you do is complain about things, and likewise you will start to feel resentful and think that he is an insensitive, heartless jerk.

 

If you can think of a compromise that takes into account both your needs it could really help your communication. However if things don't improve you might need to consider ending things and finding someone more emotionally compatible with you.

[basil67]

It seems clear that he doesn't think the thing which concerns you is an issue. And he's not taking it on board because he doesn't want to change.

 

Can you tell us about the issue which concerns you? Perhaps we could help you find a bit of clarity around it. Also, how long have you been together?

[Maliel]

Soon he will start to pull away' date=' thinking all you do is complain about things, and likewise you will start to feel resentful and think that he is an insensitive, heartless jerk. [/quote']

 

Pretty much how a lot of our disagreements go. :/

 

Can you tell us about the issue which concerns you? Perhaps we could help you find a bit of clarity around it. Also, how long have you been together?

 

We've been together for almost three years, we are both in our late 20's. The issue that was concerning me is longstanding and pretty involved and would probably require a separate thread but to be brief, he has a female friend that he has known for a while and she does odd, inappropriate things that cross boundaries at times. In this instance, she randomly tagged him in cute photos of animals on social media and posted it on his profile. She knows about me and knows I think their relationship is odd. He has agreed with me that it is weird that she did it recently but, I wanted to speak with him about that issue a little more and gain some reassurance regarding what would happen if she did that again.

[preraph]

To me, it sounds like you are a good, calm, and rational communicator, doing the right thing by bringing up something that bothers you, and that he is making it clear he doesn't really respect you enough to give a crap, which he amply demonstrated by doing what he did with the phone and by laughing at you. I'm afraid that this isn't who you want to, 5 years from now, be trying to agree with on how to raise or discipline a child. So he's not a keeper.

[whichwayisup]

Is this female friend of his, 'into' him?

 

He needs to set up boundaries with her and stop acting inappropriately with her and vice versa. If she doesn't like it, so be it. You are his gf and he needs to start appreciating you and treating you better.

 

3 years together, in your late 20's can you picture yourself marrying him and/or having children with him? If so, then you two need to do couples counseling to learn how to really communicate and listen to one another so resentments don't build up and hurt feelings are felt often. Would he be willing to go with you?

[katiegrl]

Another relationship crumbling due to social media....ugh!

 

I just posted about this on another thread discussing a man in a relationship liking pics of various women on Instagram!!!

 

OP, he is not gonna change so it is an exercise in futility even discussing.

 

And next time a man or anyone puts you on hold, for longer than two minutes, hang up and find something else to do.

 

Never wait on hold for 15 minutes, that is just nuts.