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Boundaries for couples in a committed, exclusive relationship


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JoeSmith357-1

I am personally going through an issue with my GF whom I live with and we have been in an exclusive LTR for 3+ years.

 

I see this sort of thing talked about, and i'm in my mid 30's and thought I had this thing figured out, that I knew where things lines existed. But as a sanity check, and maybe things have changed as the years go by, or culturally / regionally things are different, but I am asking the group:

 

WHAT ARE the generally accepted boundaries when you are in a LTR with someone? I'm saying generally accepted boundaries, not something you have to clarify with your partner.

 

Like...

It's accepted that when you are in an exclusive LTR your partner won't...

- be dating other guys

- be kissing other guys

- be BANGING other guys

- be giving other guys blowjobs

 

I think those above things are pretty concrete NO's, right? Like you don't have to specifically have a conversation with your SO about NOT doing those things... RIGHT?

 

Now, more to the meat and potatoes of my question. I generally hold that people in LTR's will adhere to these boundaries, I always have, and figured they are pretty standard. Correct me if I an wrong:

- no flirting with other guys

- no going out with members of the opposite sex alone in a non-work related situation

- no sexting with other guys

- no romantic communications (text, phone, facebook, etc) with members of the opposite sex

- no flirting with members of the opposite sex

- rebuffing sexual advances by members of the opposite sex

- being able to separate ones self from conversations or relationships / situations where a member of the opposite sex makes sexual or romantic advances towards you. Overtly or not.

- not making ones self "available", or not allowing the appearance of being available to members of the opposite sex

- being completely transparent in communications with members of the opposite sex (what I mean by this is, no secret communications, no covering up, sharing passwords on phone)

 

I think the above, and I probably missed some, are acceptable.

 

Please tell me i'm not crazy, and that these are NOT some things that you have to SET boundaries, these are just "given", right?

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Generally speaking I completely agree with all of the descriptions of the exclusivity in a relationship however, all relationships are different from one another.....you are giving some signs that you are experiencing something outside of your comfort zone. Can you provide some more detail as to what it is that is specifically troubling you to come to LS for answers?

 

I, when single generally looked to my partner and myself to define what was inside and outside the boundaries of our relationship. I remember once seeing my now ex kissing (really open mouth) one of her exes. This as you might imagine created quite the stir in our relationship. While we got past that moment, I made it clear it was a deal breaker should it ever happen again.

 

It is up to you to establish what is acceptable and not acceptable to each of you respectively. If there isn't an agreement, then there isn't a match.

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lolablue17

- no flirting with other guys

- no going out with members of the opposite sex alone in a non-work related situation

- no sexting with other guys

- no romantic communications (text, phone, facebook, etc) with members of the opposite sex

- no flirting with members of the opposite sex

- rebuffing sexual advances by members of the opposite sex

- being able to separate ones self from conversations or relationships / situations where a member of the opposite sex makes sexual or romantic advances towards you. Overtly or not.

- not making ones self "available", or not allowing the appearance of being available to members of the opposite sex

- being completely transparent in communications with members of the opposite sex (what I mean by this is, no secret communications, no covering up, sharing passwords on phone)

 

I think the above, and I probably missed some, are acceptable.

 

Please tell me i'm not crazy, and that these are NOT some things that you have to SET boundaries, these are just "given", right?

 

If she thinks that one of the boundaries you mentioned are not obvious, it can happen only once, because after the first time it happens, you have the "But i didn't know it's forbidden" conversation, where you expres your boundaries loud and clear, so she can't play ignorant the next time. problem solved!

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JoeSmith357-1
If she thinks that one of the boundaries you mentioned are not obvious, it can happen only once, because after the first time it happens, you have the "But i didn't know it's forbidden" conversation, where you expres your boundaries loud and clear, so she can't play ignorant the next time. problem solved!

 

So there's a couple things here.

 

Yes, I would agree with you on those things. But the point I was trying to make, or the question I was asking is, aren't some of these things just a given?

 

I know with technology, snapchat, tinder, etc, morals and maybe even expectations may change?

 

I don't know, I have just always accepted that when you are with someone, you are WITH someone. Period. There isnt a gray area when it comes to flirting with other guys.

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I agree with all that you have stated and it should be a given.

 

The problem is that people try to disguise their behavior under the 'friends do this etc' and try to get away with it. Hugging a bit longer than you would , peck on a cheek turning into few seconds longer, touching going from a little to an extra here and there --- all in an attempt to push the boundaries and getting away with it. Happens so often but is unacceptable.

 

When a person is really serious about someone and wouldn't want to lose them , their previously lose boundaries become strict overnight. It's a drastic change and THAT is when you know where you and they stand.

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lolablue17
So there's a couple things here.

 

Yes, I would agree with you on those things. But the point I was trying to make, or the question I was asking is, aren't some of these things just a given?

 

I know with technology, snapchat, tinder, etc, morals and maybe even expectations may change?

 

I don't know, I have just always accepted that when you are with someone, you are WITH someone. Period. There isnt a gray area when it comes to flirting with other guys.

 

For me, I agree and have the same boundaries as you, but I accept the fact that not everybody are like me. It's legitimate if people think for example that it's Ok to hang out one on one with the opposite sex members. That's why it's better to talk and agree. It's only one conversation in the whole relationship.

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PegNosePete

You mention "opposite sex" a lot. Does that mean you'd be OK with your gf flirting, going out, having romantic communications and sexting the same sex??

 

I don't think you should have a "conversation" about any of these things. Just let your partner be who they are. If you find their behaviour unacceptable, tackle that. You should not tell someone what they can and can't do. The guilty will find loopholes, and the innocent will feel unjustly persecuted. Lose-lose for you.

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They are a given with people who don't need need external validation due to childhood traumas, and get bored in LTR.

 

The moment you start voicing those "boundaries", she will fight and pull away.

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JoeSmith357-1
You mention "opposite sex" a lot. Does that mean you'd be OK with your gf flirting, going out, having romantic communications and sexting the same sex??

 

I don't think you should have a "conversation" about any of these things. Just let your partner be who they are. If you find their behaviour unacceptable, tackle that. You should not tell someone what they can and can't do. The guilty will find loopholes, and the innocent will feel unjustly persecuted. Lose-lose for you.

 

I would not get myself involved with someone who is bisexual, so that would not be a problem, if it came out that my partner was, and was hiding it, those same rules would apply, and I would probably be getting out by that point.

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aliveagain

Joe, if she has to hide it from you she shouldn't be doing it, period. She's hiding it from you because she knows it's wrong and her actions are probably damaging your relationship but for whatever reason to her the thrill is worth the risk. Problem is that in time it takes more risk to get the same amount of rush, they go further down the rabbit hole seeking it. When you interfere with their fantasy world you become the bad guy and the problem.

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Joe, if she has to hide it from you she shouldn't be doing it, period. She's hiding it from you because she knows it's wrong and her actions are probably damaging your relationship but for whatever reason to her the thrill is worth the risk. Problem is that in time it takes more risk to get the same amount of rush, they go further down the rabbit hole seeking it. When you interfere with their fantasy world you become the bad guy and the problem.

 

Some people have the audacity to do it in your face and do everything in their power to minimize it. The basic reply is ' if there was something inappropriate going on , I wouldn't do it in front of you ' or ' if I wanted to be with them, I would. So because I choose to have you as my partner, you should be secure in yourself and not jealous ' or ' if you won't approve me of my opposite sex friends , I would do it behind your back , so accept in front of your eyes'. The justifications are long. But if the coin was flipped ,they themselves wouldn't tolerate.

 

The circle usually begins to widen when you bring up the boundaries issue. They start adding more ' friends'. Why want a commitment from other when themselves can't ?

 

It's hard to find decent / healthy people these days. I'm glad I got hitched early on !!

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Moderator note:

 

We've moved this thread to our General Relationship Discussion, as it's a valid general discussion topic and we've noted the threadstarter has a thread about his specific situation here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/582323-almost-my-wits-end-girlfriend-chatting-other-guy

 

For discussion of the threadstarter's specific situation, please post to that thread.

 

General discussion of acceptable boundaries in a relationship can be posted here.

 

Thanks,

~6

 

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Everybody will draw those lines in different places. The key is to draw them in the same place as your partner.

 

I have a number of male friends, most through work & I'm a big flirt. I could not have a relationship with a guy who couldn't deal with my buddies or my flirty behavior. So I simply stopped dating men who took umbrage. My husband is cool with my buddies & while I'm more then happy to flirt, it's pretty G rated & I know exactly where the lines are and who I'm going home with.

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Well, if I was with a guy for three years and he decided that I'm not worthy of a ring and a date, then that's my green light to check out options with other guys.

 

I don't care for passive/agressive behavior and/or games. So, if now at the three year mark she's upset that you won't provide her with a ring/date, then she needs to have a frank and adult conversation with you.

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JoeSmith357-1
Everybody will draw those lines in different places. The key is to draw them in the same place as your partner.

 

I have a number of male friends, most through work & I'm a big flirt. I could not have a relationship with a guy who couldn't deal with my buddies or my flirty behavior. So I simply stopped dating men who took umbrage. My husband is cool with my buddies & while I'm more then happy to flirt, it's pretty G rated & I know exactly where the lines are and who I'm going home with.

 

Having guy friends, and flirting are 2 completely different things in my book.

 

So a question I asked in my other thread:

1. why do you do it

2. if you KNOW your partner does not like it, and is damaging to your relationship, why do you continue to do it?

 

Some women I think are just, for the lack of a better term, attention whores. They constantly NEED to feel outside want or validation. Even if they are getting a ton of it from their partner.

 

Don't get me wrong, guys do this too, but differently. Guys I think more do it because they legitimately want to bang strange ass, ALL the time.

 

Women do it I think to fill some emotional or psychological need.

 

Neither of these is healthy in a committed relationship. And honestly, how many guys would be down with having you throwing yourself at other men, even if you don't "mean it", IE: want to bang other dudes.

 

It's toying with other people's emotions IMHO.

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JoeSmith357-1
Well, if I was with a guy for three years and he decided that I'm not worthy of a ring and a date, then that's my green light to check out options with other guys.

 

Seriously?

 

Then, if 3 years is your magical mark, you need to end it, not hunt for other dudes while still in a relationship.

 

I think 3-5 years is not unreasonable AT ALL. You need a couple years of cohabitation to feel out each others personal behaviors and habits that you just DONT get while dating too.

 

I don't care for passive/agressive behavior and/or games. So, if now at the three year mark she's upset that you won't provide her with a ring/date, then she needs to have a frank and adult conversation with you.

 

That's NOT the issue. And if you read my other thread, there have been a couple red flags along the way, and that's WHY there isnt a ring on her finger...

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What was the old joke - "when you assume you make and ASS of U and ME"

 

One thing I have learned the hard way is that your boundaries, your definition of exclusivity and cheating need to be very very clearly discussed early on when YOU think the relationship is or is about to be come serious/exclusive.

 

It may be painfully clear or oblivious to you what are lines not to be crossed - or what you assume is clear - but I your partner might not agree or understand at all.

 

I wish every couple - especially premarriage - but probably on the verge of saying "I love you!" to have discussions like "I would consider it cheating if you" or "I would consider it unloving if you " or " I feel love is " or "I think sex is "....

 

Would have been interesting if I had this kind of blunt conversation with my (now wife) if she would have changed her ways before we married and respected my boundaries once I made it clear.

Edited by dichotomy
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- no flirting with other guys

- no going out with members of the opposite sex alone in a non-work related situation

- no flirting with members of the opposite sex

- being completely transparent in communications with members of the opposite sex (what I mean by this is, no secret communications, no covering up, sharing passwords on phone)

Nothing is a given, I agree with dichotomy.

 

I would object to the above. I don't happen to have a password on my phone and I leave it around a lot but I would object to anyone asking if I did protect it with something. I have boundaries and as a grown woman, I won't have anyone checking up on what I'm up to. That's because I won't be controlled. Period.

 

I also go out for a coffee with male friends and I guess flirt with guys in a jokey way in the office.

 

I agree that a conversation is needed on these things but I would not tolerate being policed for one second.

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Nothing is a given, I agree with dichotomy.

 

I would object to the above. I don't happen to have a password on my phone and I leave it around a lot but I would object to anyone asking if I did protect it with something. I have boundaries and as a grown woman, I won't have anyone checking up on what I'm up to. That's because I won't be controlled. Period.

 

I also go out for a coffee with male friends and I guess flirt with guys in a jokey way in the office.

 

I agree that a conversation is needed on these things but I would not tolerate being policed for one second.

 

I completely agree with Emilia on this aspect. I have not read your other thread, but if you have had issues with your GF with trust and boundaries in the past then you should look for an exit. Three years and she has not changed means she never will. But the above mentioned items are within the acceptable range for me. I have female friends that I go out for happy hour with and it can be flirty, but in a innocent way, and I let my GF know who I went out with. My phone is also open to be gone through, however if a GF insist on going through my phone periodical then I know she does not trust me and the rl will soon end.

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I think similar expectations in what is acceptable in a relationship is vital. I've only had two relationships with women who had different values with this type of thing, and they were very difficult. If there's even a whiff now of differences in relationship values I leave immediately. Doesn't mean my values are "right" but they are mine and true to who I am. That doesn't change and neither should her values.

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