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Is it even worth getting married if he's only gonna be doing it for me?


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I'm single but I would hate to get married to a guy that deep inside thought ''Well it's just a piece of paper but it's what makes her happy, I love her so I'll do it for her'' that about marriage and kids as a whole.

 

I would hate to think that it was just my idea, my goal but that he himself wasn't into it or always felt indifferent but compromise for me. So if that's how he's going to think, is it even worth getting married for a woman?

 

Sorry but for me I can't marry someone that's not into it as much as I would be. I would hate to think that I've forced someone into a lifestyle they would have never wanted themselves. I would seriously decline if a guy were to propose but then either I find out or he tells me that he's going it because it's what makes me happy.

Edited by Nabely
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Nope, I wouldn't marry a man who didn't really want to marry me. If I wanted to marry and my partner did not, or vice versa, I'd consider that a serious lifestyle/life goals incompatibility and end the relationship.

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Nope, I wouldn't marry a man who didn't really want to marry me. If I wanted to marry and my partner did not, or vice versa, I'd consider that a serious lifestyle/life goals incompatibility and end the relationship.
Thank you. Glad to hear I'm not the only one feeling this way.
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Maybe before you set the date for the "big day", six months of premarital counseling may help you both discover/decide if marriage is what you want/need....and, if you both are capable of the challenge and work it takes for a marriage and family.

 

If you do consider the counseling, please go with a certified professional (not a priest), and read up on reviews of that professional and/or get a referral from people who you know, trust, and respect.

 

And regardless of the outcome (you two marrying, just remain dating, break up), I really believe that the counselor will help you both learn more about yourselves and/or what you want in a relationship - that you can use in current and future relationships. :)

 

Good luck in what you decide to do.

Edited by Gloria25
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YES! I'm in a 20+ year defacto relationship and see marriage only as a piece of paper.

 

I've seen the argument over and over again that if one person wants marriage then the one who doesn't care should do it because "well, you say it's just a piece of paper anyway, so what's the big deal?"

 

I think that marriage is a big deal to the person who wants it and they'd be sold short if it's not equally important to their partner.

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I see marriage as only a piece of paper but I certainly love my wife and would take a bullet for her. It means a lot to her and I know she puts real value behind that piece of paper unlike most of society.

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No, do not marry someone who doesn't want to marry, and do not force kids on someone who doesn't want them. Both situations will only end on you carrying the load in the relationship and he will continually spout the excuse that he didn't want to do this anyway and you did, so YOU do everything and leave him alone. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't value you enough to marry you and at least go into it with the desire to commit to you forever? Don't you deserve better? It's a big mistake. Don't do it. In fact, move on. Even if he gives in because you're leaving him, he'll still always be resentful and you'll be the mean lady who made him do it.

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Arieswoman

Nabely,

If you are in a serious relationship with a man IMO you need to get some pre-marriage counselling either from a priest or a secular organisation.

 

This will help you to explore the implications of this type of relationship.

 

Good luck.

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No, do not marry someone who doesn't want to marry, and do not force kids on someone who doesn't want them. Both situations will only end on you carrying the load in the relationship and he will continually spout the excuse that he didn't want to do this anyway and you did, so YOU do everything and leave him alone. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't value you enough to marry you and at least go into it with the desire to commit to you forever? Don't you deserve better? It's a big mistake. Don't do it. In fact, move on. Even if he gives in because you're leaving him, he'll still always be resentful and you'll be the mean lady who made him do it.

 

Meh,

 

Yes, but sometimes no. If she found a desperate and lonely guy like my neighbor - she can force marriage, kids, etc. on him and he'll acquiesce cuz he's more concerned about her dumping him.

 

Me? I don't wanna be with someone I had to strongarm into everything - even "if" he sticks around with me for 20 years and does everything I say.

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Thank you for the inputs.

Woggle, if that makes you happy and you don't feel any resentment for doing something you personally don't see important ok. Personally, I would not be able to be with a man who didn't find marriage important because that's a value I want to have something in common, not something I had to convince a man to do.

 

I would try marriage counseling if I were in a relationship and it got to the point of wanting to see where we stand up. Nope, I'm not religious.

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YES! I'm in a 20+ year defacto relationship and see marriage only as a piece of paper.

 

I've seen the argument over and over again that if one person wants marriage then the one who doesn't care should do it because "well, you say it's just a piece of paper anyway, so what's the big deal?"

 

I think that marriage is a big deal to the person who wants it and they'd be sold short if it's not equally important to their partner.

Yeah, I don't see how there can be a middle ground to that. Wanting and not wanting marriage is a big and major compatibility difference.
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Thank you for the inputs.

Woggle, if that makes you happy and you don't feel any resentment for doing something you personally don't see important ok. Personally, I would not be able to be with a man who didn't find marriage important because that's a value I want to have something in common, not something I had to convince a man to do.

 

I would try marriage counseling if I were in a relationship and it got to the point of wanting to see where we stand up. Nope, I'm not religious.

 

I probably value commitment more than a lot of guys who value that piece of paper. I have been married 10 years and have never thought about cheating. As long as she treats me right I am in this for the long haul. I just know that piece of paper means nothing in society except for those who place value on it. Look at the divorce rate and how much cheat and how many people seem to despise and resent their spouse to see how much it actually means.

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I agree with you. If a man didn't share my views on wanting to get married .... then I wouldn't marry him. I'd move on and find a man who WANTED marriage.

 

Marriage isn't for everyone .... but if it wasn't a man's choice ... then he isn't the man for me.

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