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confusedmatt

Hi,

 

Apologies in advance for the length of this post....

I'm not really sure where to start, i guess I'm after some advice for how i can proceed with my wife. I guess some background would be good. I'm 38 shes 36, we got together 18 years ago, married for 11 with daughters 8 & 6.

 

She was at university when we got together so it was long distance for the first 2.5 years, but I tried to travel to see her at least every other weekend as finances would allow. We did great all through her being at uni, and as is probably the case we were young, in love (and lust) so were at it like rabbits. My wife was my first and only partner, she had previous sexual relationships before me. I've always had a bit of an issue with this, but generally can deal with it, it was after all before we met and I compartmentalize it quite well.

After uni she moved back home (I lived in the same town), we moved in together and eventually got married, so far so good. The problem though is with our sex life. After the initial period of her being at uni we stopped being the several times a day couple, jobs and lives kind of got in the way, however we still had an active sex life.

 

The problem is that as time as gone on our sex life has dwindled to virtually nothing, like on average less than once a month and it's been like this for probably at least 5 years if not more, and with the sex the intimacy seems to have faded as well. I find it very hard to talk about emotions, and I am aware that I have insecurity issues which makes it harder.

 

I love my wife and family and would never think of leaving, but the idea of continuing like this makes me so depressed.

 

I have spoken to her about it, and she agrees that there is a problem, she says its down to her and does want to resolve it but that she just doesn't have the desire for sex anymore, the few times we do have it she says she enjoys it but we don't do the things we used to do, it almost feels like she does it to placate me which makes me feel worse because I don't want to take advantage of her. I'm scared to touch her in bed in case she thinks I'm trying it on, I just feel so rejected and don't know what to do.

It's not like I want sex every day, I'd be happy with once a week and to feel close to my wife again.

 

I know there is no affair or anything like that, she simply wouldn't have time apart from anything else, and I do believe that she loves me still but I still end up feeling rejected and this allows my insecurity demons to come out and makes me feel worse.

 

To be honest I don't even know what answers I'm looking for, just some advice as to how we can regain the spark we seem to have lost would help.

:sick:

 

Thanks for reading if you did make it this far, and any advice you can offer.

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Ask her if when you two married did she think you were signing up for a life of celibacy.

 

Hold her hand, look her in the eye. Have this convo at a quiet and private time and not before/during/after sex....tell her you love her and sex is how you bond and connect with her.

 

If she doesn't "get it", suggest a sex therapist and if she refuses ask her if she wants you to spend the rest of the marriage either: 1-Masturbating to porn; 2-Getting a hooker ot mistress; 3-Divorce.

 

Good luck, but I don't see this working out for you. We live in an ultra feminist society where women are raised to disrespect their husband, look down on any sense of femininity/nurturing, and that you're her "partner" not husband/lover...and it's your job to be a sperm donor, wallet, and part-time babysitter so that she can pursue her dreams and goals...cuz if you dare don't, you're a misogynistic, horny pig.

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Lack of sexual desire is one thing. An overall reduction in intimacy and affection, non-sexual affection, is quite another. I'd rethink how her time is totally filled up.

 

So, today, if you spontaneously take her in your arms and give her a passionate kiss and tell her you love her, what happens?

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An overall reduction in intimacy and affection, non-sexual affection, is quite another.

 

A prominent sex therapist said long ago that a good sex life starts with everything else you do up until the time you actually engage in the physical act.

 

*How do you greet each other in the morning?

 

*How do you say goodbye to each other when going to work or departing?

 

*Do you touch base with each other throughout the day?

 

*Do you say please and thank you to each other when doing something as simple as getting each other a glass of water?

 

*Do you listen? Not trying to solve each other’s problems, or offer advice do you simply listen?

 

*Can you “be” in the same space, not necessarily saying anything to each other but just being in the same space but not necessarily conversing… but just enjoying each other’s airspace?

 

*Do you do small things for each other just because?

 

*Do you do things like tease each other, do you laugh together?

 

*Do you kiss? Not as sexual foreplay, just because?

 

This last one is by far the most important indicator of relationship health. When couples stop kissing, regardless of how often then engage in sex it is the beginning of the end of a relationship.

 

Also couples when out together will always reach out to connect with each other, when couples stop doing that or let’s say when walking down the street and they are NOT in sync, separate, one walks ahead of the other, looks in opposite direction, that disconnect put relationship health in jeopardy.

 

Just a thought…

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Have you suggested counseling to her?

 

If it doesn't improve what are your options? I'd ask her what is expected of you. Living without it is not acceptable in any marriage.

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A prominent sex therapist said long ago that a good sex life starts with everything else you do up until the time you actually engage in the physical act.

 

*How do you greet each other in the morning?

 

*How do you say goodbye to each other when going to work or departing?

 

*Do you touch base with each other throughout the day?

 

*Do you say please and thank you to each other when doing something as simple as getting each other a glass of water?

 

*Do you listen? Not trying to solve each other’s problems, or offer advice do you simply listen?

 

*Can you “be” in the same space, not necessarily saying anything to each other but just being in the same space but not necessarily conversing… but just enjoying each other’s airspace?

 

*Do you do small things for each other just because?

 

*Do you do things like tease each other, do you laugh together?

 

*Do you kiss? Not as sexual foreplay, just because?

 

This last one is by far the most important indicator of relationship health. When couples stop kissing, regardless of how often then engage in sex it is the beginning of the end of a relationship.

 

Also couples when out together will always reach out to connect with each other, when couples stop doing that or let’s say when walking down the street and they are NOT in sync, separate, one walks ahead of the other, looks in opposite direction, that disconnect put relationship health in jeopardy.

 

Just a thought…

 

Agreed...

 

I'll add:

 

-Considering your spouse a "partner" (sounds like a business arrangement instead of husband/wife).

 

-Becoming too "familiar" with your spouse (ie clipping toenails, farting, belching, using toilet in front of them).

 

-Letting youself go. Is it gonna kill you to groom yourself for your SO? Geesh, now and then greet your SO smelling fresh and sweet after a bath and laying on some scented lotions and/or body spray. Put on mild make-up even if you two are just going to run some errands.

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Have you suggested counseling to her?

 

If it doesn't improve what are your options? I'd ask her what is expected of you. Living without it is not acceptable in any marriage.

 

And do it now. Don't be like some guys who sit in fear and fester their frustration and end up having affairs.

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confusedmatt

Thanks for the responses, I'm not sure it makes much difference but you all seem to be in the US, I'm in the UK.

I'll try and respond in order. I don't think she expected a life of celibacy when we got married, I wouldn't get a hooker/mistress, that's really not me. I do look at porn, which to be honest makes me feel a bit of shame but really it's not just the "release", it's the connection with her that I miss most and porn really doesn't give that. I also don't think she thinks I'm just a horny pig, I've tried to make it clear to her it's not just the act of sex but what it means to me.

 

There is still affection, we still kiss goodbye (on the days I'm not out of the house before she wakes), she does respond to a passionate kiss (I tried it last night), but it doesn't generally lead to anything else.

We do touch and cuddle daily, I think we are generally considerate of each other. We are comfortable in each others company, we don't need to break the silence as it were.

We still tease, laugh together, maybe not as much as we used to, but we do.

We do kiss daily.

 

I haven't suggested counselling yet, well not for us, but I have thought about it for me. I know I have unresolved issues from when my father passed (I was still a child) and I'm sure that is the root of my insecurities, although I also think I probably know to much of my wife's relationships before us which always makes me question myself. I really do believe she wants to "fix" this as much as I do, she is on the progesterone pill and we've read that that can interfere with libido so she has suggested coming off of it. I'm not convinced it's related though as to me these issues have been going on for longer than that.

 

I don't think either one of us has really let ourselves go, ironically I'm probably in the best shape of my life, I run regularly and go to the gym before work a few times a week. She isn't the size 10 (uk here remember) I fell in love with, but then I wouldn't expect her to be, she's not 19 anymore and she's had two children. That said she has been bigger and was probably bigger when we got married. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about the body she once had but I also love the body she still has now.

 

Things have been a little better since was spoke about it, she is more inclined to sit with me in the evening and we watch the tv together rather than her being on her laptop playing facebook games. I have suggested that we try and prioritise "us" a bit more, in that if we have time to watch tv we have time to explore each other, not really had a response to that though.

 

Thanks again for your replies, it does help just reading other points of view.

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Confused9999

You can try reading the MMSL primer.. Look it up.

 

Reading what you mentioned I think there are 2 things going on.

1. Majority of woman have what's called responsive desire.. Meaning they have to be turned on by you before wanting or even thinking of sex, rather then men who are turned on then want sex. To turn her on its not just grabbing her in bed but rather be playful and sexual during the day to get her thinking and motivated.

 

2. You are not the same person she might of been attracted to when you were first together. You said you are physically fit which is great! But do you act the same as before, meaning, assertive, confident, fun, exciting, engaged. In other words leading the relationship and showing her the alpha male characteristics that you probably did in the beginning of your relationship.

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confusedmatt

Thanks, I'll look into that but to be honest I'm not sure I was ever an alpha male as such. I was very shy when I was younger, so much so it took quite a while for us to get together, and there was another guy around at the time. She tells me it was never serious with him (it was never sexual), and the fact that we got together when I finally made a move suggests that to be true, if anything he was more of an alpha than me at that stage, although I've always been reasonably fit I think (without sounding big headed) that I was more attractive than him also.

 

I think you are probably on to something in the turning her on bit though, when we were first together there was always a lot of flirting through out the day either in text, or when she was at uni we used to letters to each other (yes it's that long ago!). I think that probably built the anticipation and maybe I need to try to recapture that.

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Confused9999

Great!

 

Keep in mind... #1 and #2 go hand in hand.

 

#1 is meant to turn her on thinking of sex

#2 is meant to have her want and be with YOU

 

 

When I said alpha I don't mean the bad boy or caveman sort of thing.. But I am sure you were a lot more fun and engaging, confident, and self driven when you first met, which obviously attracted her to you. Now you are probably much more settled into your marriage and act a lot different. She might not have that "want" as much as before because of that.

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confusedmatt

That's the thing though, I'm not sure any of that is true, especially confidence, I've never been terribly confident in myself, I've always second guessed myself, even when she was sitting next to me naked our first time, I was telling myself I was reading the signals wrong!

 

I'll read through the primer thing this evening, see if it points me in any direction.

 

Thanks again for "listening".

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TaraMaiden2

I'm going to reply, bluntly, but from personal direct experience. And BtW, I'm British too....

 

You've become her best friend. Her room-mate. Her house-sharer. She considers you more like a 'mate' than a Mate (if you get the difference).

 

You can go to counselling together, try all sorts of different techniques together, experiment, hold hands, cuddle, change your MO - the fact is, and the fact remains, she's checked out, sexually, because...

 

You just don't do 'it' for her any more.

 

When you have sex, it's because she wants sex, has a physical need for it, and you are her husband, so naturally, she will have sex with you.

But she's not 'turned on' by you. She feels erotic, but it's a biological feel, not an amorous one.

How do I know all this?

 

How do you think?

 

In the end, my H and I divorced, because he met someone - and trhen, so did I.

The sex was wild. (well, it was in my case. I don't know about him, but I'm still with my stud, and he's still with his lady.)

 

So it wasn't a loss of libido, or a lack of sexual ability.

It had moved beyond that stage.

We had grown accustomed to one another, and biologically, once a woman has moved past the desire to procreate, it's not uncommon to lose any desire to have sex, because sex = procreation, and she doesn't want more kids, ergo, sex is unnecessary.

 

With you.

 

Did she have a sheltered upbringing?

I know it sounds like a weird question, but is she Catholic - or at least, did her family go to church that you know of?

 

(Sometimes, we convent-girls have had a weird 'indoctrination' regarding sex, and why we have it....)

 

That aside, I'm pretty much 100% confident that what I am describing is a mirror-event to my situation.

 

I hate to say it, but you DO have 1 of 3 options:

Stay, and suck it up;

Divorce;

Agree with her, that you might get your pleasure elsewhere, but agree to never tell her about it.

You signed up for marriage. Not a non-physical friendly partnership.

You can do that with a co-tenant.

Or a dog.

 

You've doubtless heard the phrase, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

 

Well this is 'broke'.

It's not up to just you, to fix it.

But you have to find a solution that is acceptable and workable for you BOTH.

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Confused9999
I'm going to reply, bluntly, but from personal direct experience. And BtW, I'm British too....

 

You've become her best friend. Her room-mate. Her house-sharer. She considers you more like a 'mate' than a Mate (if you get the difference).

 

You can go to counselling together, try all sorts of different techniques together, experiment, hold hands, cuddle, change your MO - the fact is, and the fact remains, she's checked out, sexually, because...

 

You just don't do 'it' for her any more.

 

When you have sex, it's because she wants sex, has a physical need for it, and you are her husband, so naturally, she will have sex with you.

But she's not 'turned on' by you. She feels erotic, but it's a biological feel, not an amorous one.

How do I know all this?

 

How do you think?

 

In the end, my H and I divorced, because he met someone - and trhen, so did I.

The sex was wild. (well, it was in my case. I don't know about him, but I'm still with my stud, and he's still with his lady.)

 

So it wasn't a loss of libido, or a lack of sexual ability.

It had moved beyond that stage.

We had grown accustomed to one another, and biologically, once a woman has moved past the desire to procreate, it's not uncommon to lose any desire to have sex, because sex = procreation, and she doesn't want more kids, ergo, sex is unnecessary.

 

With you.

 

Did she have a sheltered upbringing?

I know it sounds like a weird question, but is she Catholic - or at least, did her family go to church that you know of?

 

(Sometimes, we convent-girls have had a weird 'indoctrination' regarding sex, and why we have it....)

 

That aside, I'm pretty much 100% confident that what I am describing is a mirror-event to my situation.

 

I hate to say it, but you DO have 1 of 3 options:

Stay, and suck it up;

Divorce;

Agree with her, that you might get your pleasure elsewhere, but agree to never tell her about it.

You signed up for marriage. Not a non-physical friendly partnership.

You can do that with a co-tenant.

Or a dog.

 

You've doubtless heard the phrase, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

 

Well this is 'broke'.

It's not up to just you, to fix it.

But you have to find a solution that is acceptable and workable for you BOTH.

 

 

It really doesn't have to go that far. Take a look at my points and the MMSL thing..

It touches your points, why they happen, and on fixing exactly what you are taking about!!!

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TaraMaiden2
You can try reading the MMSL primer.. Look it up.

 

Reading what you mentioned I think there are 2 things going on.

1. Majority of woman have what's called responsive desire.. Meaning they have to be turned on by you before wanting or even thinking of sex, rather then men who are turned on then want sex. To turn her on its not just grabbing her in bed but rather be playful and sexual during the day to get her thinking and motivated.

This was taught to us by a counsellor. Bear in mind, he felt the same way. It felt so contrived, false and forced we just couldn't even face 'play acting'. Bear in mind, women are not stupid. They know what the end-game plan is. So basically, what they're thinking is "I know what this is all aiming towards." And nothing is a greater turn-off than knowing the motive is ulterior.

 

Great in theory. In my experience (as someone who has also worked in counselling) disastrous in practice.

2. You are not the same person she might of been attracted to when you were first together. You said you are physically fit which is great! But do you act the same as before, meaning, assertive, confident, fun, exciting, engaged. In other words leading the relationship and showing her the alpha male characteistics that you probably did in the beginning of your relationship.

My ex- was never an 'Alpha Male' and theories stating that this is what women want/need/ look for are frankly, tosh. Every woman is different, and my H was compatible with me, because we had very similar mind-sets, aims, objectives, likes, dislikes, humour - and force-levels of personality.

Our gradual distancing had nothing whatsoever to do with his Alpha-ness dropping off.

If anything, his so-called 'Alpha' traits increased.

We lost sexual desire for one another.

We had outgrown each other.

Simple as that.

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Confused9999
This was taught to us by a counsellor. Bear in mind, he felt the same way. It felt so contrived, false and forced we just couldn't even face 'play acting'. Bear in mind, women are not stupid. They know what the end-game plan is. So basically, what they're thinking is "I know what this is all aiming towards." And nothing is a greater turn-off than knowing the motive is ulterior.

 

Great in theory. In my experience (as someone who has also worked in counselling) disastrous in practice.

 

My ex- was never an 'Alpha Male' and theories stating that this is what women want/need/ look for are frankly, tosh. Every woman is different, and my H was compatible with me, because we had very similar mind-sets, aims, objectives, likes, dislikes, humour - and force-levels of personality.

Our gradual distancing had nothing whatsoever to do with his Alpha-ness dropping off.

If anything, his so-called 'Alpha' traits increased.

We lost sexual desire for one another.

We had outgrown each other.

Simple as that.

 

The flirting and sexuality during the day is not contrived... Obviously the end goal is clear to both people from the start. It just get the engines running and let's the woman think about it and desire it.

On the other hand I agree that if there is no attraction and she is totally disengaged the flirting will NOT work and in fact will have the opposite effect!

 

Regarding the second point.. The alpha thing is a theory on almost all literature, and in my experience if properly done, not arrogant or rude with the right amount of loving and caring, it does work!

 

It doesn't mean that every woman is turned on by every guy.

Therefore if your are at the point of being disgusted by your husband or have totally grown apart then this will not work. However if you "lost" attractiveness and the "hotness" but still have feelings then this will likely work.

 

All I am suggesting to the OP is that there are things that he can try. The alternatives that you put up are pretty severe and grim.. E.g. Live with it or divorce.

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confusedmatt

I do very much appreciate your response. Bluntness included, with respect I will hope beyond belief that you are wrong, I find the idea of losing her sickening, and all I can do is hope that she just needs reminding that I can do it for her. I genuinely appreciate the input though, if nothing else it spurs me on to try and fix this.

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TaraMaiden2
...I'm 38 shes 36, we got together 18 years ago, married for 11 with daughters 8 & 6.

This is almost practically exactly the age-time regarding our kids...

 

She was at university when we got together so it was long distance for the first 2.5 years, but I tried to travel to see her at least every other weekend as finances would allow. We did great all through her being at uni, and as is probably the case we were young, in love (and lust) so were at it like rabbits. ......as time as gone on our sex life has dwindled to virtually nothing, like on average less than once a month and it's been like this for probably at least 5 years if not more, and with the sex the intimacy seems to have faded as well....

I could have written this....

 

I have spoken to her about it, and she agrees that there is a problem, she says its down to her and does want to resolve it but that she just doesn't have the desire for sex anymore,

 

Again, it's a carbon copy.

And permit me to explain something here.

It's not a question of whose problem it is. The mere fact is - there IS a problem.

It's characteristic of one partner to assume responsibility for sex going downhill.

I know it's usually the woman who takes it, because this 'problem' is extremely common. But ex-tree-mely. And it's more often than not the woman who has to make the effort, take on board the suggestions and work on herself because - she's the one who doesn't want the sex.

Yet, her sexuality is not gone. It's changed.

It has re-aligned with different preferences.

See, the major problem is that human beings are not NATURALLY MONOGAMOUS. There are extremely few mammals that are.

It is not our primary nature to stick with one partner, and one alone, and we have been conditioned to accept SERIAL monogamy. That is, faithfulness.

Now, we can socially condition people until we are blue in the face - but you can't change Biology.

the few times we do have it she says she enjoys it but we don't do the things we used to do, it almost feels like she does it to placate me which makes me feel worse because I don't want to take advantage of her.

I'm scared to touch her in bed in case she thinks I'm trying it on, I just feel so rejected and don't know what to do.

And this is why 'role-playing' and upping the intimacy doesn't work. Because they both think and feel it to be 'contrived'.

Intimacy has to be spontaneous, off-the-cuff, unexpected, surprising delightful.

Not planned, orchestrated and enacted.

Se knows what it is he really wants - and he's too thoughtful, caring and respectful to think for one moment that he can get away with it. It goes against his nature.

It won't work.

 

The flirting and sexuality during the day is not contrived... Obviously the end goal is clear to both people from the start.
And if it's not something BOTH people desperately want to address, for themselves (not out of consideration for their partner) it's a big turn-off.

 

It just get the engines running and let's the woman think about it and desire it.
If she doesn't want it, pretending to want it, hoping to want it, and making herself act as if she wants it - will - not - work.

 

On the other hand I agree that if there is no attraction and she is totally disengaged the flirting will NOT work and in fact will have the opposite effect!
Bingo... :(

 

Regarding the second point.. The alpha thing is a theory on almost all literature, and in my experience if properly done, not arrogant or rude with the right amount of loving and caring, it does work!

I'm a Dog Behaviourist. That's my problem. I can see posturing a mile off... :D

 

It doesn't mean that every woman is turned on by every guy.

Therefore if your are at the point of being disgusted by your husband or have totally grown apart then this will not work. However if you "lost" attractiveness and the "hotness" but still have feelings then this will likely work.

Only if the feelings are definitely for the husband. I think she has feelings for him, but they are very much in Friend-mode. And this assumption that it's her "problem" is obscuring the wood from the trees.

Yes, it is she who doesn't want the sex, but it's not for the reasons they think.

 

All I am suggesting to the OP is that there are things that he can try. The alternatives that you put up are pretty severe and grim.. E.g. Live with it or divorce.

For it to work, she has to want this almost more than he does.

If the desire to 'fix' this, is not balanced, or at least huge on her part, then....

 

Thank you, by the way, for your positive and engaging input. I really respect your view and totally believe that under the right circumstances it can all be very effective.

I happen to believe this isn't one of them, so no offence or argument intended.

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Confused9999

The good thing about the book that I recommended, the premise is that he OP works on himself to improve. Not her.

This improvement in himself will either lead to her noticing and starting to be sexually interested in him, or he feels confident enough in himself that he can give her an ultimatum and let her decide to get back in the marriage or divorce.

 

even if eventually they divorce because the wife is really not into the marriage the OP will be in a much better space mentally and be ready to meet other women.

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TaraMaiden2
I do very much appreciate your response. Bluntness included, with respect I will hope beyond belief that you are wrong,
Believe me, so do I.

Have you actually considered marriage joint counselling?

 

I find the idea of losing her sickening, and all I can do is hope that she just needs reminding that I can do it for her.
She knows this, because you 'did it' before. She knows how devoted and dedicated you are.

This is why she is taking it on board as 'her problem'. but i doubt she even realises that her sexual desire and libido are not actually the crux of the problem....

 

I genuinely appreciate the input though, if nothing else it spurs me on to try and fix this.

Marriage Counselling would give you both a safe platform to speak from, and a level playing field to air the issues.

Be warned that it's not necessarily a tool to keep people together, though. Often, it's more a mechanism designed to evince people's true feelings, desires, thoughts and conclusions.

 

But the main thing is to be completely honest - with yourselves, AND each other.

Counselling is not an easy option. It can be challenging and will maybe reveal painful lessons. But it will certainly help clear the fog.

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Thanks for the responses, I'm not sure it makes much difference but you all seem to be in the US, I'm in the UK.

I'll try and respond in order. I don't think she expected a life of celibacy when we got married, I wouldn't get a hooker/mistress, that's really not me. I do look at porn, which to be honest makes me feel a bit of shame but really it's not just the "release", it's the connection with her that I miss most and porn really doesn't give that. I also don't think she thinks I'm just a horny pig, I've tried to make it clear to her it's not just the act of sex but what it means to me.

 

There is still affection, we still kiss goodbye (on the days I'm not out of the house before she wakes), she does respond to a passionate kiss (I tried it last night), but it doesn't generally lead to anything else.

We do touch and cuddle daily, I think we are generally considerate of each other. We are comfortable in each others company, we don't need to break the silence as it were.

We still tease, laugh together, maybe not as much as we used to, but we do.

We do kiss daily.

 

I haven't suggested counselling yet, well not for us, but I have thought about it for me. I know I have unresolved issues from when my father passed (I was still a child) and I'm sure that is the root of my insecurities, although I also think I probably know to much of my wife's relationships before us which always makes me question myself. I really do believe she wants to "fix" this as much as I do, she is on the progesterone pill and we've read that that can interfere with libido so she has suggested coming off of it. I'm not convinced it's related though as to me these issues have been going on for longer than that.

 

I don't think either one of us has really let ourselves go, ironically I'm probably in the best shape of my life, I run regularly and go to the gym before work a few times a week. She isn't the size 10 (uk here remember) I fell in love with, but then I wouldn't expect her to be, she's not 19 anymore and she's had two children. That said she has been bigger and was probably bigger when we got married. I would be lying if I said I didn't think about the body she once had but I also love the body she still has now.

 

Things have been a little better since was spoke about it, she is more inclined to sit with me in the evening and we watch the tv together rather than her being on her laptop playing facebook games. I have suggested that we try and prioritise "us" a bit more, in that if we have time to watch tv we have time to explore each other, not really had a response to that though.

 

Thanks again for your replies, it does help just reading other points of view.

 

I didn't ask you if she thought marriage to her would be a life of celibacy for you. I asked you to ask her that.

 

I also recommended you ask her what she wanted you to do for the rest of the marriage (porn, mistress/hooker, divorce).

 

But, instead of asking her you told me what you think she'd respond.

 

Dude, I recommend that you ask her the things I recommended that you ask her. Cuz those are profound questions that are gonna hopefully bring home to her the damage the lack of sex is doing to your marriage.

 

I don't agree with all these suggestions that it falls on you alone to get her to desire you. You two, according to your OP, were having sex like rabbits. So, what's changed?

 

Funny how out of the two she's gained weight and rather be on her laptop playing Facebook games instead of working on her body or on sex with you.

 

I agree that you two are more "roommates" than husband/wife and so sad your RL and her appearance has taken a nose dive and you two are so young

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confusedmatt

I didn't mean to give the impression that I have any problem with the weight she has gained, as I said she has given me two beautiful children, I love her body, probably more than she does to be honest.

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Confused9999

 

Dude, I recommend that you ask her the things I recommended that you ask her. Cuz those are profound questions that are gonna hopefully bring home to her the damage the lack of sex is doing to your marriage.

 

I don't agree with all these suggestions that it falls on you alone to get her to desire you. You two, according to your OP, were having sex like rabbits. So, what's changed?

 

So what will possibly come from OP confronting her?

 

She obviously is not into him and does not want the sex. She stated that already to him.

The outcome from confronting her can be..

Either she accepts that its not working for OP but to keep the marriage will give him starfish boring sex which he does not want.

Or, realize that this is not working for either one of them and will either retreat or seak divorce or affairs.

 

Unless she wants him it will not improve. Therefore my suggestion is to have him in a position of power ..

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confusedmatt

We had a good talk last night, I laid out all my fears on the table and I truly believe she still loves me enough for us to at least try and make this work, as long as there is a chance I can't give up on us.

I haven't suggested counselling yet, although that may be a path we have to take if need be. At the moment I'm in a better place having spilled my guts, I know she at least wants to try and I have to take what she says at face value, I don't think she would lie to me about it after all, what would be the point in making me feel better but not addressing the issue? It would just come back bigger. You all have helped though, just the process of writing this all down has helped me process things a bit. I know there two ways this leads, and I'm scared to the pit of my stomach about one of them, but hopeful it will be the other. I'm not naive enough to think we will ever be like 19 year old's again, but that's not what I need. As long as we can at least get back some of the spark I think I can be happy again, and hopefully she will be as well.

 

Thanks again for all your inputs, I will look into the book, if we are both invested in the outcome hopefully it'll work out. To be completely honest the alternative isn't something I want to consider.

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TaraMaiden2
We had a good talk last night, I laid out all my fears on the table and I truly believe she still loves me enough for us to at least try and make this work, as long as there is a chance I can't give up on us.

I haven't suggested counselling yet, although that may be a path we have to take if need be. At the moment I'm in a better place having spilled my guts, I know she at least wants to try and I have to take what she says at face value, I don't think she would lie to me about it after all, what would be the point in making me feel better but not addressing the issue? It would just come back bigger. You all have helped though, just the process of writing this all down has helped me process things a bit. I know there two ways this leads, and I'm scared to the pit of my stomach about one of them, but hopeful it will be the other. I'm not naive enough to think we will ever be like 19 year old's again, but that's not what I need. As long as we can at least get back some of the spark I think I can be happy again, and hopefully she will be as well.

 

Thanks again for all your inputs, I will look into the book, if we are both invested in the outcome hopefully it'll work out. To be completely honest the alternative isn't something I want to consider.

 

It would be useful to ask her who, primarily, she is doing this for.

If she says 'you, but obviously, both of us', then listen to her, because in reality, she should be doing this entirely because she really, really wants to.

 

For herself.

 

She is losing out in this.

Her lack of sexual desire for you is making her ultimately feel less of a 'woman'.

I know how that feels.

She feels as if part of herself is missing, but she has no idea how to get it back.

Or deep down, to be brutally honest, if she wants it back.

That is to say, if resuming who she was, is what she wants to do, with you.

 

I'm not making myself very clear....

 

She is just as aware as you are that things are amiss.

 

YOU know what is missing.

You are lacking intimacy and physical connection.

 

you need to try to get her to pinpoint precisely what SHE believes is missing.

Because 'sex' to women, is a far more complex matter than it is to guys.

Sex is a far more immediately gratifying thing for guys, in the physical sense.

Sex is of paramount importance.

It must be.

Let me just ask you how many women you think, covertly or otherwise, visit male prostitutes.

 

See what I mean?

 

so while the sex is missing, her psychological attitude is MORE IMPORTANT.

 

She may well go the whole 9 yards to make the effort to increase her libido, become more sexually-responsive, and regain some of the boudoir activity.

But where is her MIND at?

What is the depth and true, subconscious reasoning of her withdrawal from the physical?

 

See, it's not that simple.

 

I always say, finding what the problem is - does not resolve the problem.

Finding what the problem is - is just the beginning.

 

She might bring the sex back with her body.

But unless she knows where her mind is at - it won't be permanent.

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