Why do [married men] cheat?

[awomansworth]

I know there are a million reasons as to why MM cheat. I guess I'm looking more for everyone's personal experiences here.

 

If you're the OW or BS, what did MM tell you or what do you believe are the reasons for the affair?

 

If you're the MM, what were your reasons or what do you think led you to stray?

 

Did it ever "just happen" for anyone?

[oceansaway]

My belief is that they are bored. Content BUT in need of excitement. Most just don't want to change their situation. It's mostly about the sex for the males. Women who cheat are missing the attention. Just my opinion

[Arieswoman]

awomansworth,

 

Well...how long is a piece of string?

 

For what it's worth here's the reasons/excuses/justifications my WS gave for his affair ;

 

"I knew it was wrong but I never thought you'd find out.

 

I told myself it was alright because we were going to split up anyway.

 

It's not fair! The other guys at work do it and get away with it and the first time I do it I get caught.

 

We (himself and AP) have a wonderful connection. We don't talk but we communicate.

 

You didn't give me enough affection.

 

You were too independent, I couldn't do anything for you.

 

You became too much of a 'feminist'.

 

If you'd had anything about you, you'd have realised there was something wrong."

 

 

Just one long line of blameshifting, belittleing, conflict avoidance, entitlement, victim mentality and criticism whilst not accepting any responsibility.

[LovingDelilah]

Its too complicated and different in every case.

 

In the case of a physical affair their is something missing with intimacy in the marriage. There is also the case of the wife has let herself go and the man is no longer physically attracted to her. In most cases he doesn't want to lose everything he's worked for or his kids.

 

In an emotional Affair its more a connection of the heart and sharing of ideas. This too is bad as it develops a closeness or bond that is hard to break. It seems like a friendship that turns into a nightmare as they are just as hard to escape.

 

In both its a case of extreme stupidity that is not worth the harm it causes to everybody.

[wmacbride]

Its too complicated and different in every case.

 

In the case of a physical affair their is something missing with intimacy in the marriage. There is also the case of the wife has let herself go and the man is no longer physically attracted to her. In most cases he doesn't want to lose everything he's worked for or his kids.

 

In an emotional Affair its more a connection of the heart and sharing of ideas. This too is bad as it develops a closeness or bond that is hard to break. It seems like a friendship that turns into a nightmare as they are just as hard to escape.

 

In both its a case of extreme stupidity that is not worth the harm it causes to everybody.

 

This is a stereotype that isn't always true.

 

Sometimes it is, but in other cases, the bs does "keep herself up" and it doesn't matter. The mm is simply not cut out to only be with one person at a time, but rather than face that head on and address it in a mature way by discussing it with his wife, he goes behind her back.

 

Most bs, ow/om and ws are just like anyone else. They are not outliers. They are ordinary people doing things for the same ordinary reasons as anyone else, with the end result being people get hurt.

 

Is it worth the hurt?

[Arieswoman]

I don't buy into this at all;

 

In the case of a physical affair their is something missing with intimacy in the marriage. There is also the case of the wife has let herself go and the man is no longer physically attracted to her.

 

As these women will agree;

 

Can You Believe These Women Were Cheated On? And By These Men? | Page 5 | MadameNoire

[Arieswoman]

And here are some old chestnuts that get pulled out with monotonous regularity...

 

8 Excuses For Cheating That Totally Suck | Thought Catalog

 

[LovingDelilah]

And here are some old chestnuts that get pulled out with monotonous regularity...

 

8 Excuses For Cheating That Totally Suck | Thought Catalog

 

 

Maybe they get pulled out because they are how those men feel.

[stilltrying16]

Maybe they get pulled out because they are how those men feel.

 

I really disagree with this. Bromides and stereotypes emerge in response to lazy thinking- one that prefers to go with prefabricated truths rather than assess a situation for itself and its complexities.

 

I would strongly recommend Esther Perel on why people cheat in happy marriages. She has many clips on Youtube.

 

Back to the question raised by the OP: this is a great thread and I'd like to write more about it when I get done with work. For now though let me just say I completely agree with wmacbride and Arieswoman.

 

Cheaters in general including MM cheat in happy marriages and in unhappy marriages. They cheat in polyamorous relationships and in monogamous relationships.

 

I can understand it if an unhappy marriage leads to divorce/separation/a break up.

 

I don't understand why cheating has to be a stop along the way.

[LovingDelilah]

I really disagree with this. Bromides and stereotypes emerge in response to lazy thinking- one that prefers to go with prefabricated truths rather than assess a situation for itself and its complexities.

 

I would strongly recommend Esther Perel on why people cheat in happy marriages. She has many clips on Youtube.

 

Back to the question raised by the OP: this is a great thread and I'd like to write more about it when I get done with work. For now though let me just say I completely agree with wmacbride and Arieswoman.

 

Cheaters in general including MM cheat in happy marriages and in unhappy marriages. They cheat in polyamorous relationships and in monogamous relationships.

 

I can understand it if an unhappy marriage leads to divorce/separation/a break up.

 

I don't understand why cheating has to be a stop along the way.

 

You are right. I think people do want to do the right thing though and stay with their marriages. People are human and make mistakes.

[loveisanaction]

I don't think that there is one universal reason as to why married men cheat. I think they cheat for a variety of reasons. These are just my humble opinions.

 

Some men are just weak. They honestly can not turn down free sex. They could be the happiest married man in the world, married to Miss Universe herself but if the oppotunity to sleep with someone else presents itself.... they'll take it.

 

Some married men have a very high sex drive. They have no idea how to control their sexual urges. One woman is never enough for them so they are always on the prowl. They could be getting regular sex at home but their appetite is too high for their spouse to keep up with so outside of the marital bed they go.

 

There are some married men who truly are not getting sex at home. These men have become so sexually frustrated, they decided to look for sex outside of the marriage.

 

No matter the reason why a married man cheats, one thing they all have in common is that they the reason for cheating is not because they do not love their wife anymore.

 

One of the biggest mistakes the other woman makes is believing that a married man is having sex with her because he no longer loves his wife.

Edited April 19, 2016 by loveisanaction

[cocorico]

I know there are a million reasons as to why MM cheat. I guess I'm looking more for everyone's personal experiences here.

 

If you're the OW or BS, what did MM tell you or what do you believe are the reasons for the affair?

 

If you're the MM, what were your reasons or what do you think led you to stray?

 

Did it ever "just happen" for anyone?

 

As I understand it, my H felt trapped in his previous M at the point he succumbed to an A. They had been together for decades, since he was a kid (she was older) and he basically knew nothing else. His family and long term friends describe a pretty toxic marriage, but he was fiercely loyal, resisted attempts to woo him into As, defended her against the world that "didn't understand her". He tried many times to get her to go to MC, but she refused. She was happy with the M, hence - according to her - if he was unhappy,then the problem lay with him.

 

Then one day, out of the blue, she attacked him physically in front of the kids (she had always been abusive, that much wasn't out of the blue - but the unprovoked attack was) and stormed out of the house. She returned next day when he was at work and the kids were at school to collect her things, and stayed away for a year. (It later transpired that she was having an A at the time, and presumably left to be with her OM - though she denied it at the time and subsequently.) During that year, he was the happiest he had ever been, with the weight of the toxic M lifted from his shoulders. But she fell to pieces, and the kids did not cope well with the separation at all. So after a year, she begged him to take her back, promising all kinds of changes (including going to MC) and, foolishly in retrospect, he agreed for the kids' sake.

 

Of course nothing improved - it went right back to how it was, only worse. She walked out of MC when the counsellor called her on her toxic behaviour, and refused to go back. He felt trapped - the M was horrible, but he felt he could not inflict another separation on the kids so soon after the last one, given how badly they'd taken it. He had to find some way to survive in the awful M, at least for the short term. And so, when an A presented itself, he was vulnerable and succumbed.

 

The A lasted a little over three years. During that time, he went to IC to help him understand why he had put up with such a toxic R for so long, and to resolve the issues that kept him there, etc. He learned healthier ways of dealing with issues, and he got the kids into counselling to prepare them for another split. He discussed the psossibility of the split with them, and they were supportive, so at that point he told her of the A and informed her that he would leave her once he found suitable accommodation for himself and the kids. Which he did. A few months later I moved in with them, and once the D was finalised, we married.

 

The kids are grown, successful and happy now, and we've been very happily M for many years now, so it's definitely a "success" story.

[burnt]

I really disagree with this. Bromides and stereotypes emerge in response to lazy thinking- one that prefers to go with prefabricated truths rather than assess a situation for itself and its complexities.

 

So absolutely agree with you.

Thinking black and white--labeling people as "good" or "bad" guys is easy, but trying to look deeper into the very complex human mind is not.

 

Human minds and human behaviors are the most complex things, and yet, I find it sad but funny, whenever someone draws these sweeping generalized "truth" statements--as if they have figured out the secrets of the human mind.

 

I can understand it if an unhappy marriage leads to divorce/separation/a break up.

 

I don't understand why cheating has to be a stop along the way.

 

At the risk of sounding like I'm generalizing, I add a few thoughts…

 

In many cases, the marriages that end in separation/divorce are the relatively "easy" ones--meaning, they are SO bad and dysfunctional that it becomes clear to both/one party that there's no hope left to salvage the marriage.

 

In a way, that sort of a hopeless case is actually a blessing--because one/both partner can call it quits and at least hope for a new direction. The marriage being totally dead makes it relatively easier to let go and move on.

 

But it's a HORRIBLE marriage when things aren't working out "quiet" right, but aren't completely hopeless either.

 

In many of the marriages with infidelity, there is "something" missing…something subtle, something that grows like a cancer underneath the surface or something one/both partners fail to address or fix. Yet, the relationship is founded on history and great bonding.

 

So, now you have this relationship that's just alive, breathing, but feels like a relationship in a hospice in a vegetative state.

That is a horrible state, you can neither call the marriage dead, nor can you call it fully alive to draw strength from it.

 

And out of that confusion, if one is to keep living in a state of emotionally disconnected manner for long enough, guess what?

Sooner or later, out of necessity, out of loneliness, and desperation, one seeks out a reckless way to feel resuscitated, brought back to feeling alive again.

 

And the sad thing is, often (not all) cases the cheater is actually trying to revive the MARRIAGE, more than him/herself.

 

So, as disturbing as it may sound what the cheater is doing subconsciously is saying to the BS:

 

"I cheated on you, because I love you".

[Ophelia25]

When my EA started, he said it was because he had screwed up and married the wrong girl. It should have been me, he'd always known it, blah, blah, blah. Maybe he still thinks that, but after all these years of, well, hell, he doesn't say that much anymore.

 

He lost me when we were teenagers because of distance more than anything else, and I learned that he was addicted to immediacy. He wanted only what he could see right in front of him, and when I was no longer that, he quite easily drifted elsewhere. He insists that this is not the case, but it seems to be a pattern for him. When I am available, even virtually, and no one else is, I'm the object of attention. When his wife his around, or he has anything else to do, I'm essentially forgotten.

 

Yes, the reasons vary enormously. But for him, he was bored and felt trapped. He loves his family, but his wife is focused entirely on the kids and he often feels unappreciated, particularly sexually. I'm sure he gets sex more often than he tells me, but I do know that she is VERY traditional and unadventurous - she simply won't do things that he has always craved, and I tend to be a little more creative. The sex drive in horny men seems (I say seems because I am by no means an expert, and one should not generalize about the sexes) to just overpower nearly all reason.

 

For me, it was first a long lost emotional connection, but slowly disintegrated into pure physicality after it got difficult.

[elaine567]

Some merely want variety, many people are not monogamous at heart.

They roll out the excuses to justify why they cheat, but the truth is they just want more sexual partners.

Given the opportunity and an excuse, they grab it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Men, more than women, have the ability to compartmentalize so when an opportunity for easy sex comes along, some men can separate sex from love. Twisted logic but one that some subscribe to.

[joystickd]

Why do married women cheat? Let's all examine that too. Maybe they also like variety

[heartwhole]

It never "just happens." At a minimum, the cheater has poor boundaries and lacks self-awareness and self-control. But I do agree that there are different kinds of cheating. It's one thing to go on CL or Ashley Madison seeking an affair partner, or to use escorts and massage parlors (extra points if you meet a single woman and pretend you're not married at all). It's another to let a friendship or work relationship go too far all whilst lying to yourself that what you're doing is OK until you cross the proverbial line.

 

Some of it is biological. I found it interesting to learn that the primates where the males and females are of equal size are monogamous. Primates where the male is twice the size of the female are not at all. We're somewhere in the middle. We're monogamous-ish.

 

My husband felt neglected, and along came a woman with a ticking clock from a poorer country. They struck up a friendship, and then she told him she was falling in love with him. He justified the affair with various arguments that he now disavows, of course. He says that as he got further and further embroiled, he viewed everything I did through a negative lens of "confirmation bias." Every time I was tired or grumpy was evidence that I didn't love him, in his mind.

 

I believe we can all fall in love with numerous people. When a marriage is vulnerable, we need to be especially careful to have good boundaries and to be transparent with our partners. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else or feeling a spark when near them. But in our society when men and women work together and women are not dependent on men financially, there is much opportunity for straying, which never ends well.

 

There is a subset, of course. There are serial cheaters who cheat for the sake of it. I can't speak for all of them, but I imagine a lot of them lack empathy and suffer from personality disorders. They are entitled people who enjoy taking risks.

 

Speaking of entitlement, I think part of the issue is the Peter Pan phenomenon. We're taught that life is all about fulfilling ourselves. We're not taught that life is about responsibility, honoring commitments, and putting others before ourselves. So when we're not feeling fulfilled, we feel justified in fulfilling ourselves at the expense of others. Think of all the mantras about following your heart, about how life is short, etc.

 

Another common character flaw found in cheaters is conflict-avoidance. Instead of addressing their issues with their partners, they run away and create more issues by forging an extramarital relationship. Then the affair partner is wondering when the MM is ever going to leave his wife for her . . . well, he's a conflict-avoider! Don't bet on him suddenly developing the skills to meet his challenges head on. Recognize that his affair with you is a symptom of his conflict-avoidance, not the solution to it.

[elaine567]

Why do married women cheat? Let's all examine that too. Maybe they also like variety

 

They do. I said "people", not "men".

[understand50]

They do. I said "people", not "men".

 

It all comes down to this. They cheat because they want to.

[OneLov]

I think people cheat because they can. Infidelity is opportunistic. Does that mean everyone or that person always will choose infidelity? No. But I do not believe there is often a "cause" per se. For example, I (hypothetical person) am in a bad relationship and thus feel like cheating because I am subconsciously seeking to fulfill some unrealized need.

 

Affairs often commence for the same various reasons legitimate relationships commence. Ask yourself, did you get into your current relationship because this person, who at the time you barely knew, provided you with all of this fulfillment? No. You got with them because you found that person attractive, and you were "kinda into them." And most importantly, you could sense they were "kinda into you."

 

People cheat because they can; it's that simple.

Edited April 19, 2016 by OneLov

[cocorico]

 

Speaking of entitlement, I think part of the issue is the Peter Pan phenomenon. We're taught that life is all about fulfilling ourselves. We're not taught that life is about responsibility, honoring commitments, and putting others before ourselves. So when we're not feeling fulfilled, we feel justified in fulfilling ourselves at the expense of others. Think of all the mantras about following your heart, about how life is short, etc.

 

The reverse can be true in some cases, too. We're it not for an over large sense of duty, my father would have left my mother years before the A, and sought his happiness in a R openly with someone else. But because he felt an obligation towards keeping his family intact (until we left home), he stayed. And was vulnerable to an A.

 

And I think pretty much the same dynamic affected my H. Had he not felt a sense of duty toward his (traumatised) kids, he would not have taken his xW back when she begged, or would have kicked her out when she reverted to the toxic behaviour she promised to address if he took her back, etc. Instead, he put up with all of that "for the kids", until they were old enough for him to leave.

[jenkins95]

Hi awomansworth

 

I have been following your other thread with interest and have been very impressed by your conduct in the face of such an awful situation that was thrust on you. I will be returning to the thread soon to see if there have been any further updates regarding contact between you and the BS.

 

As for my own A, well...it basically boils down to stupidity, selfishness, ego, escapism, immaturity and entitlement added to which was the necessary ingredient of self-deception: "it's all right, we're not really doing anything wrong, it will sort itself out, no one need get hurt, this is helping my marriage, we're just friends, etc, etc".

 

My relationship with my W was and still is based on true love and a great connection and I was very happy before we married and in the early married years, but (and there are loads more details in my threads if you are interested), as married life passed the honeymoon stage, I noticed incompatibilities and different needs/desires in the relationship. As it turns out and with hindsight, none of these were show stoppers, and I wish I'd started talking to my wife the minute I started feeling discontent......but I didn't. I bottled everything up, became distant, depressed, resentful......for years,and of course, far from going away - my problems grew and grew and became impossible barriers in my mind.

 

I can liken it to living with a constant tooth-ache. Yes, normal life can carry on, you can still work, talk, be a dad, be a husband, be a son, be a friend, etc, but it is all played out against a backdrop of discontentment and pain that only you are aware of and that you obsessively hide. I now see that it didn't have to be that way.....if I'd only communicated,. I'd have seen that my "problems" were just small challenges to be dealt with lovingly in the context of a mutual and respectful marriage, not hidden away in some dark recess of my mind.

 

Well, time itself came to my rescue! Things started feeling better all by themselves - I had changed, adapted. Life was great. I was genuinely happy! I was like a child in a sweet shop after years of discontent and depression! And there was so much catching up to do. I had been a virtual hermit - it was time to go out and make a few friends again and be sociable, and it didn't matter if some of these friends were women - I would never do anything stupid, would I? I just wanted to share my new found happiness with the world!

 

Well, you can see where this is going. I DID make friends with a girl, and it became flirty. But even that was OK, we both knew where we stood, and there was no need to tell my wife about my "friend", she simply wouldn't "understand". Why worry her unnecessary? (how thoughtful I was!). Didn't I deserve a little happiness and adventure after enduring all that depression and discontent? And anyway, we were never going to meet in person, this was an Internet thing which made it doubly safe, and we definitely weren't going to have sex, and we definitely weren't going to fall in love, and even more definitely we weren't going to get caught.

 

Until of course....we met....and had sex...and fell in love....and got caught! If I'd been depressed before, I found a whole new level now - but this time it was not only me who was suffering it.

 

I was an absolute selfish idiot of the very highest order and I have hurt people - badly, as well as changing myself irreversibly.

 

I cannot undo it, but I am determined to learn from it and become a better person for it.

 

Good luck everyone. J

Edited April 19, 2016 by jenkins95

[Arieswoman]

Lovin' post 8,

 

Maybe they get pulled out because they are how those men feel.

 

Maybe they do, maybe they don't.

 

But if they do feel like that, how about raising the issue with their SO before going and frying eggs in someone else's pan?

 

Most of those excuses show an unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions.

 

The one that sticks in my craw the most is "we didn't plan it, it just happened". Well, that's the biggest load of effluent since Noah mucked out his ark.

Affairs don't happen by "accident".

Affairs are devised, planned and executed with the full knowledge that they could blow the primary relationship to $h!£r@g$.

 

As I have posted before, having an affair to sort out marital problems is like fire-bombing your house because the kitchen tap's leaking

[jenkins95]

Well, that's the biggest load of effluent since Noah mucked out his ark.

 

Aries, this put a real smile on my face - made me laugh out loud in fact! God knows, I need a laugh today - thank you!

 

Affairs don't happen by "accident".

Affairs are devised, planned and executed with the full knowledge that they could blow the primary relationship to $h!£r@g$.

 

Absolutely right. One thing I have learned from my affair is not to hide away or shirk responsibility. I had an affair because I was a selfish, thrill seeking, duplicitous cheat who didn't think about future consequences in that moment. Of course, I didn't think in those terms at the time, but deep down, underneath all the excuses, I knew exactly what I was doing.

 

What you say reminds me of a guy in my office who confided in a few of us after a few drinks that he's having an affair and doesn't know what to do about it.

 

"It was all innocent enough", he told us, "we were just chatting and we even talked about our spouses. Then, the next thing we knew, we were in bed together. I woke up next morning wondering what the hell had happened."

 

Well, having had my own affair, spent months on LS and on the Internet in general researching affairs (this guy and my other colleagues don't know about my experience), I saw straight through this ridiculous side-stepping of responsibility. As the conversation proceeded, it turned out that the affair has been going on for months, and this inexplicable phenomenon where he and the OW suddenly end up in bed together without any intent or knowledge and then wake up wondering what the hell just happened, occurred many, many times. Poor them - what a terrible affliction!