Can you "affair proof" a marriage ?

[dichotomy]

Based on several recent threads on affairs...this question occurred to me. Is it even possible to "affair proof" a marriage? Perhaps "affair resistant" ?

 

Are there specific things either a spouse can do in your view to lessen the chance? are these things that should be done - gender specific - i.e. husband should do Y and Wife's should do X....or is it ultimately all down to just the character of the spouse? or even perhaps the character of humans in general (i.e. monogamy is a challenge)

 

I know its a big topic

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't think you can affair proof a marriage...for one thing we can only control our own actions. .. We cannot control our spouse.

 

We also cannot control outside influences or circumstances.

 

We certainly married with the idea it was forever... And no one was more surprised by my infidelity than I was. I did not plan it...and I really never thought of myself as the type to cheat.

I allowed my boundaries to move.. I validated my actions in my mind... And my husband was not given a chance to help me reel myself back in.

 

I certainly think communication is huge... I was feeling insecure and unlovable...and I didn't I tell him. So the biggest thing I think is to never assume your spouse knows you love and appreciate them... Make sure you tell them. Never take them for granted... It could all be gone tomorrow.

 

Is my marriage affair proof now? God I hope so.. I don't ever want to go through this again. I have very strict boundaries... I am completely transparent.. And I cling to him like my life depends on it.

 

My biggest regret in life is that I can no longer say proudly.. The only man I have ever been with is my husband...it breaks my heart what I took from him and I can never give it back.

[PrettyEmily77]

Interesting topic.

 

I never cheated nor have I been cheated on (AFAIK anyway) so have no first hand experience of this but have seen the consequences cheating can do on my ex, a couple of friends and, to a lesser degree, my current partner.

 

You can't really (and shouldn't want to) predict or control what others can do, not even your partner - the only thing you can do is state clear boundaries from the start and not compromise or agree on anything you're not entirely on board with + keep the spark going by doing stuff together, appreciate and respect each other and not take the other for granted.

 

Easier said than done I know...

[oldshirt]

you can act in good faith and do all the things that you are supposed to do, but you can never control someone else's actions.

 

 

It's like driving a car. you can wear your seatbelt and follow all the rules of the road and obey all of the posted signs and you can keep your attention focused on the road. But that doesn't stop the other guy from running a red light or crossing the center line because he/she is txting or drunk or simply not paying attention.

 

 

So in other words, you can take steps to minimize YOU being the guilty party, and in an indirect way you following the rules can help mitigate the damage if an incident does occur (ie if someone crosses the center line and hits you head on, the damage is less if you are following the speed limit as opposed to the extra damage that would be incurred if you were speeding yourself)

 

 

...But you can never eliminate the possibility of being in a crash.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also think of it in terms of the recovery process after an incident. If you were following the rules and were acting in good faith and something happened to you due to someone else's negligent actions, your settlement is often higher and you come out looking better and with less points against you than if you were partially to blame yourself (ie, insurance companies etc will often determine percentage of blame and that will effect who pays for what and for how much)

 

 

So bottom line is you can't eliminate the possibility of something happening. However the better your own behavior, the less chance there is of something happening, but if something does happen, it may be less damaging than if you yourself were violating the rules...and you will recover faster and come out better in the end during the recovery process.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hope that makes sense.

[xxoo]

We can only control our own end, but appreciation of what I have in my marriage makes cheating seem extremely unappealing.

[SammySammy]

That's like a car owner asking if it was possible to prevent accidents.

 

There are things we can do to minimize the chances (proper car maintenance, careful driving, etc.), but we can't control what others do.

 

We just have to minimize those chances, do what we can to protect ourselves (seat belts, airbags, insurance, etc.) and continue to enjoy the benefits of driving.

[wmacbride]

you can't control what someone else does. you can only control yourself and do what you can to be the best spouse possible. You don't do this just for your husband/wife/partner but for yourself a well.

 

 

 

Your marriage will only ever be as "safe" as the two people in it allow it to be. if one chooses to pursue a relationship outside of it, that is their choice.

[d0nnivain]

While I agree with what has been said, I think the things you can do to lessen the chances of an affair include:

 

 

* being appreciative, saying please & thank you, etc.

 

 

* keeping it fun -- take time to laugh with your SO & be sill

 

 

* have sex

 

 

* set aside time to talk & more importantly listen

 

 

* treat your SO like they are the most important person in the world; every day think what can you do to make their life better?

 

 

* be specific but realistic in your expectations

[xxoo]

 

 

* treat your SO like they are the most important person in the world; every day think what can you do to make their life better?

 

^^^

 

And if they are still tempted to cheat, just let them go do it. Good riddance.

[Mr. Lucky]

You can only affair proof 50% of your marriage. The trick is finding a partner willing to do the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[central]

You can only affair proof 50% of your marriage. The trick is finding a partner willing to do the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Even then, some will fail.

[Arieswoman]

dichotomy,

 

The answer to your question is "yes".

 

You lock your Significant Other in the basement and push bread and water through the crack under the door.

[central]

Based on several recent threads on affairs...this question occurred to me. Is it even possible to "affair proof" a marriage? Perhaps "affair resistant" ?

 

I don't think so. No society has ever prevented affairs. IMO, none ever will. The idea of monogamy is an ideal that is incompatible with human nature. At the very minimum, 40% of marriages will experience an affair. (At least 19% of married women cheat, and at least 23% of married men, so if there isn't overlap where both have affairs, then at least 40% of marriages have them. Given that these stats are probably low, I think well over half of all marriages involve an affair at some point.)

 

Why fight our basic nature? Why not change the flawed way we think about marriage to be in line with how we really are? IMO, open, consensual non-monogamy should be the normal expectation, and monogamy should be for those who truly are comfortable with it and don't have to struggle to achieve it. Be human, but be human ethically and honestly.

[central]

dichotomy,

 

The answer to your question is "yes".

 

You lock your Significant Other in the basement and push bread and water through the crack under the door.

 

Solves half the problem. But I wouldn't trust the pusher.

[central]

BTW, if non-monogamy were the norm, we might actually treat our partners better and not take them for granted, thereby reducing their desire for something more from someone else.

[TX-SC]

No, I don't think you can affair-proof it. You can affair proof YOU by having good boundaries and avoiding tempting situations. You can help reduce the affair chances by communicating with your partner and trying to meet their needs to the very best of your abilities. However, you can't guarantee that your partner won't cheat. If they do, you can at least live life knowing you did your best.

[wmacbride]

I don't think so. No society has ever prevented affairs. IMO, none ever will. The idea of monogamy is an ideal that is incompatible with human nature. At the very minimum, 40% of marriages will experience an affair. (At least 19% of married women cheat, and at least 23% of married men, so if there isn't overlap where both have affairs, then at least 40% of marriages have them. Given that these stats are probably low, I think well over half of all marriages involve an affair at some point.)

 

Why fight our basic nature? Why not change the flawed way we think about marriage to be in line with how we really are? IMO, open, consensual non-monogamy should be the normal expectation, and monogamy should be for those who truly are comfortable with it and don't have to struggle to achieve it. Be human, but be human ethically and honestly.

 

 

No one is holding a gun to someone's head and forcing them to marry. If a person chooses to enter marriage, they have the responsibility to sort out for themselves beforehand if they can make such a commitment or not. if they can't, then they should get married, or, baring that they should find someone else who holds the same values as they do.

 

At least in western culture, the majority are getting married much later than they used to, and have had at least some experience with long term relationships. They have some idea of their views on fidelity.

 

In other words, don;t even think of getting married until you have a firm grounding in who you are and what values you hold. Don't try and blame everyone else- your spouse, society as a whole, etc.-for your choices

[wmacbride]

Even then, some will fail.

 

Again, that is not something their spouse can control. All someone can do is make their marriage as healthy as possible, and recognize that no one is perfect.

 

If their spouse still chooses to cheat, that is on them.

[devilish innocent]

I'm going to go against most of the other responses and say that you can affair-proof a marriage. It's called being able to put complete trust in your spouse. That sort of trust certainly isn't something that should be given automatically. You really need to have complete, open communication in the relationship. It also takes years of knowing somebody and seeing that they're someone who consistently follows through on their word.

 

Of course, not all affairs are planned. The other part of affair proofing a marriage is setting up all sorts of boundaries to prevent it from happening. You can't just make a promise to each other not to cheat. You have to make other promises as well. Such as: Don't spend time alone with somebody you used to date. If you develop feelings for somebody new, even if it's a mild crush, tell your spouse before it develops into something more. Those are just a few examples. Between that and having two trustworthy partners, I think an affair can be very unlikely.

[jasmineb]

You can affair proof yourself by having boundaries and focusing on your spouse.

 

You can nurture your marriage consistently and do your best to take care of your spouse's needs.

 

But NO, there is no guaranteed way for ONE spouse to affair proof a marriage, as it would entail controlling another person. Anyone who says differently is selling snake oil.

[Liam1]

While I agree with what has been said, I think the things you can do to lessen the chances of an affair include:

 

 

* being appreciative, saying please & thank you, etc.

 

 

* keeping it fun -- take time to laugh with your SO & be sill

 

 

* have sex

 

 

* set aside time to talk & more importantly listen

 

 

* treat your SO like they are the most important person in the world; every day think what can you do to make their life better?

 

 

* be specific but realistic in your expectations

 

All valid points.

 

Also don't fake orgasms, IMO, faking an orgasm is a form of cheating, IMO.

 

It will make the person who is doing the faking unhappy.

 

This apparently was ONE reason my FOW gave for why she sought affairs. She said, she never had an orgasm with her husband and always faked them to feed his ego.

 

This unhappiness may lead the person who is faking to have an affair to find someone else whom they feel more comfortable with, sexually.

 

Also, faking an orgasm is dishonest and robs the person who is being faked of the opportunity to correct any issues that may be causing the spouse to fake orgasms.

 

You can't fix something, if you don't know it's broken.

[carhill]

I think a couple can perform 'infidelity mitigation' in, or prior to, a marriage and right at the top of the 'how' list is clear communication, including regarding infidelity and boundaries of the marriage. This should IMO begin long before becoming married or choosing to get married. Each couple is unique and their milieu of mitigation will be unique to them.

 

Personally, I never say never when it comes to this topic. For the most part I tend to err on the side of the only result guaranteed in life being death. What happens in between is fluid and often unpredictable.

[preraph]

I mean, obviously, you can both try to be considerate spouses, but it's all down to character. And people change. People get bored. People mature. People have mid-live crises. People go bald or get old and desperately want to believe they're still doable and see if they can. People even occasionally get taken advantage of by someone preying on them and their marriage because they are after something, a better job, money, whatever. Crap happens.

 

The best defense is to keep yourself together as much as possible with career and have some money of your own (and a rent house or two would be great) so that if the worst happens, you are not utterly destroyed if it all falls apart but are still left standing intact when two together splits into two standing alone.

[major_merrick]

As others have said, talking and nurturing the relationship are key. Having sex is also key. Choosing a partner wisely is probably the first step. But what some people have missed out on is this: physical fitness. That doesn't mean that you have to go to a gym or be super hot, but take care of your appearance. This goes for BOTH men and women. . It's not a popular thing to say these days, but human beings are wired by nature to be attracted to a certain physique, proportion, BMI, whatever.

 

There are benefits to fitness. You can partake of more activities together. You look good, and are therefore more likely to be aroused and have sex. During exercise, your body releases hormones/chemicals that make you happy and positive. If you exercise together, this positivity will be somewhat associated with your partner.

 

It's not a cure-all, but it is one factor that could help and is seriously lacking in America these days. I've run into so many stories of "she's fat and ugly and I don't want to have sex anymore" or "he never gets off the couch and all he does is eat and watch sports." If you can solve or prevent that kind of physical problem, it's one area that you don't have to worry about and you can focus on the other stuff.

[sandylee1]

I think you can to an extent ... you can set ground rules..that if you both stuck with...there would be no infidelity.

 

I have a colleague who is married. Neither she or her husband socialise without the other. He doesn't go to stag parties and she doesn't go to hen parties .....places where it's all the same sex.

 

If any of us invite her alone to something.. she won't come.

 

He works in an all male environment...... I just don't see where another man or woman could fit in..... but they both have the same mindset and that's the key.