Role of Financial Security in Relationships

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Curious about this, primarily from a woman's perspective. Not talking about obvious gold diggers or jersey chasers but:

 

 

Does wealth/financial security rank high up on your list of attributes (looks, personality, etc) you are looking for in a man?

 

 

For long-term married ladies, would financial security deter you or handcuff you from separating or divorcing if you were in a bad relationship? Not talking about extreme like abusive.

[jen1447]

Does wealth/financial security rank high up on your list of attributes (looks, personality, etc) you are looking for in a man?

 

Don't want a deadbeat but he doesn't have to be a big money guy or make more than me. Bscly I just want some reasonable certainty that I won't be taking on a boarder or acting as a sponsor ultimately.

[DreamP]

Financial security is attractive but not required. I dated men who were the starving artist type. As a women with the ability to make good money, I was OK with somebody who couldn't make a lot, as long as they were devoted to what they were doing. So I would be attracted to a poor artist who worked in McDonalds to make a living but worked really hard on his art. But I would not be OK with the starving rocker who spent their days drinking and being a moody artist living on other people's couches with no job.

[TaraMaiden2]

It ranks as reasonably relevant.

But I should think that it might also be relevant in a vice-versa sense.

Where possible, a woman should also contribute in some way and have some financial independence.

 

If that's not a consideration, it should be.

 

Money is a very prominent factor in stress & strain in a relationship.

Particularly if the security of the family unit comes under threat.

[Lady2163]

For me personally, financial security is a must. Wealth, no.

 

I'll tell you why...

 

The last few years of my marriage we were struggling. We were poor. Both of us sabotaged things, and not to pass the buck, but percentage wise, he sabotaged us more financially than I did. The result was a lack of food for me. Not for him, oh, no. But I survived on eggs, toast, macaroni and cheese, noodles and whatever cheap sauce I could get.

 

When we divorced, on one hand it was better. I rented a room and my landlord provided food. So I had a full stomach, but only a very small room.

 

And I had divorce debt.

 

3 years after my divorce I bought my first mobile home - the interest rate was ridiculous because I still had a lousy credit rating. 3 years after that, I flipped it, sold it at a profit and bought a nicer mobile home. 3 years after that I sold it at a profit and paid for my current house. 19 years after my divorce, I'm getting ready to buy my dream house.

 

Meanwhile, my exH just bought a house. For 18 years he lived with his mommy.

 

Sorry have to go....moral is...I've worked hard for my financial security, I want some who has as well!

[jasmineb]

I do not need to be rich or have many fancy possessions. But a man must have secure employment and a good ethic of work. I expect the same of myself. I spent time carrying a man who was not motivated and will not do so again.

[purplesorrow]

I didn't want to financially take care of any one. We were both doing very well when we met. There was really no issues. Divorce was simple. I didn't need or want spousal nor child support. He moved into our rental. Now if I date I still don't plan on financially supporting any man but I don't need one to support me either.

[No_Go]

After being the kind idiot supporting 2 dudes in relationship with me over the years, and now - partially a third one, I start to feel like it is the thing of utmost importance.

 

I want to be a partner, not a sugar mommy to a middle aged dude...

 

So I think financial security, literacy & responsibility currently rank as my N 1 requirement for a LTR. If my current one fails, I'd NEVER date a dude with alligator arms that can't pull his weight, never ever again.

[hippychick3]

Curious about this, primarily from a woman's perspective. Not talking about obvious gold diggers or jersey chasers but:

 

 

Does wealth/financial security rank high up on your list of attributes (looks, personality, etc) you are looking for in a man?

 

 

For long-term married ladies, would financial security deter you or handcuff you from separating or divorcing if you were in a bad relationship? Not talking about extreme like abusive.

 

Financial security is extremely important to me. I do not expect the man to be wealthy by any means. But I would only consider dating someone who has a decent paying, steady job and is financially responsible. I'm a single mom who works very hard and has a great job that pays a decent amount. I've always been pretty ambitious. I own a house and support 3 children completely on my own. An adult man who either has no job or cannot support himself financially is very unattractive to me. I would never support a man financially.

 

I was married for a long time and wanted a divorce years before we actually went through with it. I made sure I was able to support myself independently before going through with it. So, the financial security in the marriage kept me there a bit longer but I ultimately was willing to sacrifice it to some degree to get out.

Edited April 1, 2016 by hippychick3

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Wow! You ladies above are some hard working gals. Commendable.

 

 

Curious if any ladies were stay at home moms or really had no sustainable income and the husband was the absolute bread winner. Would the financially stability factor in your decision to separate or leave him? Again assuming there isn't extreme abuse or anything like that.

 

 

Reason I ask, is I had a really good friend and we went our separate ways after she got married. She's married to a super wealthy guy. Have two kids (teen, pre teen). I ran into her sister a few years ago and she said they were talking divorce. Just wonder if the financial stability is playing into her decision.

[TaraMaiden2]

Wow! You ladies above are some hard working gals. Commendable.

 

 

Curious if any ladies were stay at home moms or really had no sustainable income and the husband was the absolute bread winner. Would the financially stability factor in your decision to separate or leave him? Again assuming there isn't extreme abuse or anything like that.

I gave up a lucrative occupation to stay at home and look after my children.

I was fortunate to have a husband who earnt a good salary, and my working made absolutely no difference whatsoever to our joint income because by the time all fees and expenses were taken into consideration, it turns out I was working purely and simply to keep a childminder in work!

So being a SAHM, was no hardship, financially.

 

When he and I divorced, he insisted, in court, I pay for half of this, half of that, and half of the other. The judge basically threw out his requests, stating - "If you have, by mutual agreement and arrangement, been the main breadwinner and been responsible for the financial side of things, you wife was clearly responsible for the domestic side of things, and as such did not earn a salary. Therefore requesting she now be retroactively responsible for some major expenses, is out of the question."

 

In short, I wasn't the 'gold-digger'.

 

He was.

[Shining One]

I gave up a lucrative occupation to stay at home and look after my children.

I was fortunate to have a husband who earnt a good salary, and my working made absolutely no difference whatsoever to our joint income because by the time all fees and expenses were taken into consideration, it turns out I was working purely and simply to keep a childminder in work!

So being a SAHM, was no hardship, financially.

 

When he and I divorced, he insisted, in court, I pay for half of this, half of that, and half of the other. The judge basically threw out his requests, stating - "If you have, by mutual agreement and arrangement, been the main breadwinner and been responsible for the financial side of things, you wife was clearly responsible for the domestic side of things, and as such did not earn a salary. Therefore requesting she now be retroactively responsible for some major expenses, is out of the question."

 

In short, I wasn't the 'gold-digger'.

 

He was.

I'm wondering how this would have worked if you two had chosen the other route... the one where you kept working and paid for childcare. I know you said it made no difference during the relationship, but would the judge have supported his requests that you pay half due to you both earning salaries?

[jasmineb]

I'm wondering how this would have worked if you two had chosen the other route... the one where you kept working and paid for childcare. I know you said it made no difference during the relationship, but would the judge have supported his requests that you pay half due to you both earning salaries?

 

In the state where I live, if a man earns less than a woman then she pays alimony. If a man stays home with the children he is afforded the same consideration a stay at home mom would be. If a father has primary custody then the mother pays child support.

 

A judge who abides by the law in my state would do exactly that.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm wondering how this would have worked if you two had chosen the other route... the one where you kept working and paid for childcare. I know you said it made no difference during the relationship, but would the judge have supported his requests that you pay half due to you both earning salaries?

 

Firstly, my salary was vastly inferior to his. He earnt six figures.

Had I earnt a salary, the judge would have appraised the situation proportionately.

However, had the situations been reversed, the financial situation would also have been reversed.

I would have been the breadwinner, and thus, responsible for the finances.

 

 

 

Quite rightly, I might add.

 

I'm in the UK by the way.

Edited April 1, 2016 by TaraMaiden2

[blackcat777]

Money comes and money goes, there is always the X factor of something crazy happening in life... and I did have an ex who refused to work, once we moved in together...

 

One of the things I love about my boyfriend is that he is crafty. I know that if we lived in a post-zombie-apocalypse world and structure within society crumbled, he'd find a way to put food on the table. One way or another.

 

Thinking about how to sum this up: my man has an instinct to PROVIDE. This is sexier, and something I would also trust more than a huge pile of gold.

 

He's also insanely responsible with money.

 

I think those two qualities would allow me to endure... even if aliens landed, society collapsed, and all that remained was a barter system.

 

So, really, I'm looking for qualities that would drive a person toward financial security. I don't trust numbers that aren't supported by character... as much as I would trust someone who is responsible, caring, and has a stellar work ethic.

 

Because aliens.

[edgygirl]

I worked hard (in all levels) to get where I am and expect the same in a man. He has to be at least on the same cultural/financial level as me, have a career, be financially responsible and be a doer.

 

There's nothing that turns me off more than a moocher or a loser. Sorry.

[Arieswoman]

Wookin Pa Nub,

I never dated anyone who wasn't gainfully employed with reasonable financial security. I spent years putting myself through college and uni getting educated, so I could have a good standard of living, and I wasn't going to carry a financial passenger.

 

For long-term married ladies, would financial security deter you or handcuff you from separating or divorcing if you were in a bad relationship?

 

Absolutely not.

When I divorced my first husband my lifestyle took a big hit, but I was able to still buy my own small property and be financially independent. I was hard up for years but that was preferable than being married to a cheater.

[Els]

 

Reason I ask, is I had a really good friend and we went our separate ways after she got married. She's married to a super wealthy guy. Have two kids (teen, pre teen). I ran into her sister a few years ago and she said they were talking divorce. Just wonder if the financial stability is playing into her decision.

 

Is there any particular reason you are wondering about this? It sounds rather odd to me that you would be wondering about the details of their marriage when you and she haven't even spoken for over a decade.

[Gloria25]

I, as a single woman have been taking care of "Me" from day one...even when I lived with my parents, the little bit I made from tutoring, cleaning houses, beginning jobs in the admin field were put towards paying my parent's rent and food for all of us - to the point that when I tried to go to college, I couldn't afford tuition cuz they didn't care about supporting their daughter to aim high, they just wanted to suck me dry (like they did to our grandparents)...So, I left my 6 year guy and the country and joined the military.

 

I have no respect for these so-called "men" now a days who want women to move in with them and/or marry them and pay half for everything. If I can pull it off all on my own and I'm a "woman" in this "man's world", then what's your excuse?

 

Now, sometimes I can see where a guy wants a woman to pay half cuz yea, there's some chicks that take advantage of guys - but if you're not sure about the woman you're dating/marrying then why are you with her?

 

So yea, even for something casual - like I was saying in another thread - I'm to the point where I can't even boink a guy I don't like and I don't like scrubs.

 

Now, if I was going to get married and have kids - even more reason for me wanting a guy who can hold his own. I want to be home and raise my kids. I would even home-school them.

 

Now if the unexpected happened (i.e. lay-offs, illness, etc.) sure, I'd step in and step up cuz of marital vows - but I wouldn't do that for some guy I'm just dating.

 

Now some couples switch out who works, goes to school, etc. And IMO, that's cool - as long as some guy isn't scrubbing and/or the kids/family isn't getting neglected.

[d0nnivain]

Financial stability is a factor. It's hard to spend time being in love if you are worried about foreclosure or where your next meal is coming from. Assuming the basics are covered which I can always do for myself, I wanted man who was industrious. My BF before meeting DH was under-employed & lazy. While he made a great house husband -- the place was immaculate & there was a hot gourmet meal waiting for me every night -- watching him loaf around was annoying after his car got reposed & his wasn't paying his child support obligations.

[spiderowl]

I don't know about financial security but knowing he is a guy who would work and do the same that I would to try to maintain security does matter. As someone who has suffered a lot in the past by being with someone who didn't care about financial security, it is even more important to me. I have chatted to guys who say they are millionaires. After a short while, I decided they weren't nice enough people to be with. Money isn't everything.