Arguments around moving in together

[astellar]

Hello everyone,

 

Me and my boyfriend have argued a lot recently He just bought a flat and he has asked me to move in. We have argued about the move in conditions a lot! Such as will I have a say in things, paying rent on top of bill and food costs, his saying that if I want to have a say in the flat I need to pay rent etc. The things he says are quite hurtful because I can't imagine living in a place which doesn't feel like my home and not feeling secure. This has greatly damaged our relationship and communication and now there is just a lot of tension and lukewarm hugs. I considered to take a break, it's been on my mind a lot, but I feel like we are growing distant and I fear that taking a break might just make the damage irreversible. I care greatly about him, but the whole affair with me moving in, not moving in, moving in, not moving in has made me feel unsafe. Even if he decide to postpone the move-in, I think there may always be awkwardness around the subject.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Or taken a break and it improved things?

 

I'm not sure what to do, any advice would be very welcome!

 

I forgot to add that in 2 days we are meant to be going for a getaway for our anniversary, but I'm debating if I should go or not in case we just end up fighting throughout...

Edited March 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged 2 posts ~6

[central]

He bought the flat, so you'd be a renter as you're not married. Renters have privileges - to a degree - which are spelled out in a rental agreement or lease. For your protection and his, you should have a formal agreement: who pays for what, how much, when, and what other concerns may apply, such as decorating, etc. What if you break up? How long do you have to move out, etc.? These things can get complicated and unpleasant if you don't have things in writing for those inevitable times when there's a disagreement about responsibilities.

 

 

Just because you're dating does not remove this need. However, it sounds like the issues go deeper, so perhaps it's best not to move in together. It sounds like you may not even be a good match if such issues can't be readily fixed.

[Satu]

If you move in with him there will be a power imbalance in your bf's favour.

 

Can you live with that?

 

I wouldn't do it.

 

Put the idea on hold for now.

 

Open-ended, not 'by such and such date.'

 

 

Take care.

[astellar]

@central - yeah of course we are doing the living together agreement, it's the terms of that that we are arguing about

[Jersey born raised]

You need to go on the trip and go "all in". You also need to stand firm about not moving in. Yes he will take it as a rejection. Yes he will wonder and might say "what are we a FWB couple"?

 

Look I am sixty and I have had an idea floating in my mind about "what if I had" when I was your age. Understand I was scared to death about being a failure as a husband so deflected and evaded any conversation that hinted at marriage but I wanted to be with her and only her forever.

 

So now I think about the concept of "courting" with the end goal of either ending the relationship or engagement to marry. Courting is a very cold logical contract approach to marriage. It always is a form of intense crisis MC intervention. Marriage and leaving together have two different sets of expectations. You will be fooling yourself if you don't think so. You both have powerful hidden expectations that if not address will destroy a marriage even if you successfully lived and had children together.

 

Bottom line you need a romantic relationship within a structure that allows it to thrive, hence the need to "court". If this resonate with you, then you need to have the courage of your convictions and tell him " I want us to court each other" and explain what courting is.

 

That's the thing about marriage - you need to learn to talk with each other and be open. Someone needs to take the lead, and it's you or no one. Sorry it is a given guys are very clueless at his age.

[Jersey born raised]

What is @followed by user name?

[astellar]

He's now is unsure if we should move in together, as it stands he is proceeding as if we are not. He is 37, I am 30

Edited March 30, 2016 by astellar

[central]

What is @followed by user name?

 

On some sites (not this one, apparently), that notifies the named user that they were mentioned in a post.

[Satu]

He's now is unsure if we should move in together, as it stands he is proceeding as if we are not. He is 37, I am 30

 

Thats a good thing.

 

If a time comes when you feel completely at ease with the idea of living with him you can go ahead, but you're not there at the moment.

 

 

Take care.

[Jersey born raised]

My impression was that he was much younger. Please read the thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/575396-i-m-sick-bs and ask yourself how many traits your boyfriend shares with some of her loser ex's.

 

Do not be afraid to say you want to be married. My brother who is very Irish Catholic worked with a guy who was going on his fourth marriage. He suggested to him perhaps living together would be a better option. His response "Marrage is the greatest things every invented by mankind and I am going to keep doing it till I get it right"!! This was decades ago and the response still cracks me up, because he was right.

 

On the other hand some people embrace the live next door and visit often. (Katherine Hepburn) both are fine but you can't have both. So what is it you want?

 

Guys understand 2x4 to the back of the head if done right, in fact sometimes it is the only way to speak "guy". Read some of the threads in the infidelity section and see how many guys where "blindsided" and are desperate to fix the marriage but the wife did tell him and is already gone. Both are telling the truth.

 

So what do you want?

[blackcat777]

May I ask what the specifics of what you're arguing about? Are the disagreements mostly financial, related to living styles, or...?

[OldSoulBiz]

Reminds me of a post I made a few months ago stating how just when "relationships" get serious (for example: Moving in together), they tend to crumble.

 

This just tells me that you and your boyfriend are in the relationship just for the sake of being in one, and you guys (one or the other) don't truly care for one another. Otherwise one of you guys would compromise and come to an agreement.

 

I got no advice for people like you other than either suck it up and deal with it, or break up the relationship because in reality it's not a real, serious relationship.

[astellar]

@blackcat777 Well, it's quite complicated because it's financial entwined with me feeling like I'm not an equal (have equal say in the flat), because he owns the flat and he said that he will charge me rent so that i can have a say in the flat because it's a trial for us. The problem was also that for ages it was as if i was moving in for sure and was involved with flat-hunt and the purchase process etc until a week before the purchase was going to happen when we started really discussing details and he stated what he wanted from me and I had to choice of accepting his offer or thinking about it indefinitely until i decided to accept it.

[Satu]

@blackcat777 Well, it's quite complicated because it's financial entwined with me feeling like I'm not an equal (have equal say in the flat), because he owns the flat and he said that he will charge me rent so that i can have a say in the flat because it's a trial for us. The problem was also that for ages it was as if i was moving in for sure and was involved with flat-hunt and the purchase process etc until a week before the purchase was going to happen when we started really discussing details and he stated what he wanted from me and I had to choice of accepting his offer or thinking about it indefinitely until i decided to accept it.

 

Just look at it from the viewpoint of how you feel about it now.

 

He has some preferences, and you have yours, and that's ok, but never ever agree to anything that creates an imbalance of power.

 

Every really good relationship is rooted in equality. Every bad one is unequal.

 

Pay attention to your feelings, and you'll make the right decision at the right time.

 

 

Take care.

[astellar]

Thanks Satu, sounds like sound advice

[Lady2163]

Let me tell you a little bit about me and see if this runs true with your boyfriend's perspective.

 

I'm getting ready to buy a 3000 square foot house. I'm single, with no kids. It will be more room than I need. I've worked hard to achieve this. When people ask me what I'm going to do with all that space, I say, "anything I want to..."

 

Chances are the men I meet will not be in my same financial situation. I'm probably not going to attract the attention of someone with a socio economic staius of upper middle class or higher. Oh, I'm not fugly, but I'm only average and a bit tubby. Men in my range can, well.....afford some eye candy.

 

So, more than likely the man I meet and develop a relationship with will be moving in with me and he might have joint custody of children.

 

I'm about to put six figures down - my life savings. Im not going to risk losing it. There would be a legal document to prevent any common law marriage issues. I've been told by a lawyer you actually don't have the person pay rent or make any repairs or do any upkeep of the property. One suggestion was that my invisible boyfriend pays for groceries, Internet and cable. Everything else is on me.

 

It is an unequal balance of power. But, again. I've worked hard and sacrificed for this. I've given up a lot of extras to get to this point.

 

Many years ago, I was not in a good situation financially. My boyfriend and I talked about living together. He was actually very excited about it. He had laid out how much he was going to charge me for rent and what my half of the bills would be. Only, I asked the questions. How much was your last mortgage for? How much do you owe? What is your interest rate. I plugged those figures in, added in insurance and property taxes and came up with a figure.

 

I'm not making this up, he was planning to charge me rent that was twice his mortgage payment. I would have been paying for the house, the property taxes, the insurance and he would have had some left over. He was going to get an increase in his monthly income and a pretty big increase.

 

Then we started having the debate on space. I should tell you that his house was a total dump. It was one step from a shack. He had bought the house once with his exW, then had to buy half of it again when he divorced her. He was refusing to put my name on the title. He was refusing to clean out the extra room for me. He refused to build (or allow me to build) an outbuilding for my stuff and space for me. He wanted half of what I would be getting for my trailer so he could do projects. This was on top of rent. His projects were not anything that benefited my existence in his house. At every twist and turn he was fighting me. Eventually I realized I would be paying half my income for a space that wasn't mine and 95% of my stuff would be in storage. It was no way to live, it was not a step up for me, there was no future. I suggested we build a newer better house together on his property with both our names on it and rent out the hovel. He declined.

 

I'm not sure what made me realize there was no future with him. I don't know what the final blow was. But this was a fish or cut bait time for me. Nothing about moving in together benefited MY future. I was giving up the pittance I had earned for my next step. He wasn't offering me security or a better life. The relationship ended - and he was the one who ended it. My place hadn't sold yet and we hadn't ironed out details. Four weeks later he moved another woman into his house. He had been cheating with her. He married her soon after. Her name is on the property.

 

I have a feeling I know where your boyfriend is coming from. This is his place. He's the one who made the down payment. He's the one who is building equity. Personally, if your name isn't on the mortgage, I don't think you should pay rent. BUT, I do think you should pay half the utilities and groceries. And I think you should have a dedicated savings deposit each month that gives you some security. He can have his investment - and you can have yours.

[basil67]

Can you give examples of the type of things you could imagine wanting a say over?

[astellar]

I have to say my deal is far better than that, i would save a bit of money staying there. Most of the flat was paid for by this parents, he is paying of a loan (not a mortgage).

 

But what is done is done, the bitter feelings are there now. I said I would pay half of food and bills from the get go, there was no question about that.

 

The reasons I would stay would be that in general our ideas about what we want to do in future align (such as no children and not necessarily getting married) and of course enjoying living together and the relationship, spending more time together, not having to commute though London to each other's houses, just a few things I can think of of the top of my head.

[Jersey born raised]

Careful to make sure you both are arguing about the same thing. I know insane right? Welcome to married life.

 

People are different. What would you say if I told you my brother bought His wife an electerlux vacuum cleaner their first XMass together? He did and he called it, she was so excited she started vacuuming my mom's house. She loves to clean, but hates to cook. Care to guess who is a great chef now?

[Els]

The reasons I would stay would be that in general our ideas about what we want to do in future align (such as no children and not necessarily getting married) and of course enjoying living together and the relationship, spending more time together, not having to commute though London to each other's houses, just a few things I can think of of the top of my head.

 

This stood out at me. If you two intend to remain a de facto couple for life (which is a valid choice), then I REALLY don't think you should accept the current offer. This isn't a situation where you would only pay him rent while 'dating' as other posters suggested (frankly I think even that is bollocks - if you are living together you are not just 'dating', but anyway...). This situation is likely to persist indefinitely, and this might be what his perception of a de facto relationship is.

 

I personally don't think a tenant/landlord dynamic is a good one for a long-term couple to have. The tenant is decidedly at the disadvantage, which is why people typically only rent til they can afford to buy to begin with. I don't think someone who genuinely envisions a future with you and cares about you would want to enforce such a dynamic.

 

I think you should insist on either:

(1) paying part of the mortgage and having your name on the title, or

(2) not having your name on the title but not paying rent/mortgage, only sharing the bills and maintenance costs

 

Otherwise, don't move in, and reconsider the R. How long have you been together?

[d0nnivain]

Let me see if I understand:

 

 

You were part of the search for the flat & thought you were moving in. He bought the flat with money from his parents. You did not pay anything toward the purchase. Shortly before the closing he said you have to pay rent if you want "a say." I too am confused about what kind of say. . . the color of the walls? the selection & placement of the furniture? who can come over? Exactly what does coughing up rent get you? If you can still move in & not pay rent why wouldn't you do that? Seems like a sweet deal for you.

 

 

My advice: go on the vacation & don't talk about the future. Just be in the moment, & enjoy each other.

 

 

Come home, move in rent free. Open an account & sock away the costs of what your rent would be if you were paying it. Then either use that money to move out if things go sideways or use it as a down payment on your wedding.

[oldshirt]

Hello everyone,

 

Me and my boyfriend have argued a lot recently He just bought a flat and he has asked me to move in. We have argued about the move in conditions a lot! Such as will I have a say in things, paying rent on top of bill and food costs, his saying that if I want to have a say in the flat I need to pay rent etc. The things he says are quite hurtful because I can't imagine living in a place which doesn't feel like my home and not feeling secure. This has greatly damaged our relationship and communication and now there is just a lot of tension and lukewarm hugs. I considered to take a break, it's been on my mind a lot, but I feel like we are growing distant and I fear that taking a break might just make the damage irreversible. I care greatly about him, but the whole affair with me moving in, not moving in, moving in, not moving in has made me feel unsafe. Even if he decide to postpone the move-in, I think there may always be awkwardness around the subject.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Or taken a break and it improved things?

 

I'm not sure what to do, any advice would be very welcome!

 

I forgot to add that in 2 days we are meant to be going for a getaway for our anniversary, but I'm debating if I should go or not in case we just end up fighting throughout...

 

 

 

If 50 years ago some guy had asked your grandmother to move in with him to have sex and help share his living expenses but without marriage and family and a future plan together, would she have been torn and confused about whether she should do it or not?

[Els]

If 50 years ago some guy had asked your grandmother to move in with him to have sex and help share his living expenses but without marriage and family and a future plan together, would she have been torn and confused about whether she should do it or not?

 

I don't understand why people keep bringing this up. The OP has specifically mentioned that she does NOT want children and most likely does not want marriage either. That is her choice and we should respect it. And it doesn't mean that he's entitled to take advantage of her.