Jump to content

Can Aspgerger's stop one from interfering?


Recommended Posts

Hi all, long time no see, which was a good sign/thing.

 

I hope the title isn't offensive. I don't know how else to word it.

So I don't know how to get over this. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months now and it's my first relationship, and he's perfect. He's very patient and understanding and generous and a few days ago, I met his parents. I'm really happy with our relationship and so is he. Tonight I got scared though.

 

Long story short, an argument between me and another young man got out of hand in my boyfriend's presence. I said something he misunderstood as something else (and much worse), so he kicked my stuff, so I cussed him out, so he came at me screaming and whirling his fists around and 3 of his guys had to hold him back and drag him off. This repeated itself when I expressed my views on that behaviour and he tore loose and attacked me again with the same result. Note I never caught a hit.

Welcome to Israel.

When I rejoined my boyfriend by the door of the theatre (we were going to the movies), he didn't seem to have just arrived there from the scene of the fight. I actually couldn't remember him being there at all.

 

I was thrown out indefinitely for being part of the row, and my boyfriend did not walk out with me. He sent me a text asking if I want him to come out, I told him not to because I really didn't want to ruin the evening for him. But he was too calm about it all. Like he thought, "Welp, you ****ed up, you deal with it". I can get that. But still? Your girlfriend is being escorted out, clearly upset, and you're sitting there watching trailers?

 

This boils down to me asking about Asperger's. My boyfriend has it. He says it was bad enough to get him freed from the army. I never noticed. I have another friend with Asperger's and it is very obvious in his case. Before I learned, I thought my boyfriend was just very sober except when I cracked him up.

The only thing I know about the Autism spectrum is the tendency to respond differently or in unexpected ways to certain situations/stimuli/interactions than others would. Could that have been why he stayed out of it while I was nearly beaten up? Or did he really decide I should deal with this on my own? I'm not quite sure he was just respecting my inner Xena. It's not that I was scared or needed his help. It's just that, required or not, I'd expect it. Or at least have him there between us or talking the other guy down. Talking the manager out of booting me. But waiting by the door to the theatre for me to finish up and join him?

 

I'm not too hurt (lies) but I'm scared of what it means and I can't exactly ask him "Where the hell were you when I was getting into a fight that got me banned, you embarassed, and our night ruined??? Or is it the Aspgerger's??". We've never argued about anything so far, never got angry at each other.

I'm not even sure I'm afraid he decided to dump me, but if I don't know why he left me there on my own, I don't know how to feel about him in general. I can deal with mental/neurological conditions and such causing poor decisions because I know what that's like. But what if that was a deliberate call? So could Asperger's make you stand by and watch as your girl gets attacked by a raging maniac, or is our relationship in trouble? Because simply being a coward doesn't suit him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2

I would say yes. People with Asperger's find it difficult to empathise and equate with another person's feelings. It's an anathema to them, and they tend to not be able to get on that plane or emotional level with you.

They tend to look at things in a logical, matter-of-fact way, which makes absolute perfect sense to them, even though to everyone else it might appear cold and calculating.

It's not their fault.

 

I believe my youngest daughter suffers from a mild form... and that's ok.

 

This link gives a fairly comprehensive summary of many attributes an Asperger's sufferer demonstrates.

Edited by TaraMaiden2
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

You got thrown out of the venue because of your poor behaviour. Going back in to fight with someone who's just been restrained was [wrong] of you. It's not up to him to try and persuade management to let you stay - it's up to you to avoid being kicked out in the first place.

 

Perhaps he didn't like what he was seeing of you and wisely decided to keep out of it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
JustGettingBy

As someone with aspergers, I'd like to say the following:

 

I, and many others on the spectrum have a very difficult time telling 'in the moment' what I should do in an unfamiliar social situation, and often have a delayed reaction to what was right. You know the feeling of "damn it! I just noticed that I should/shouldn't have said/done that thing hours ago. I feel like such an a-hole now." Yeah, I get that feeling about 10 times more than most people.

 

I also am afraid to do things in such situations, as I'm aware of my shortcomings and don't want to make things worse. Or maybe he just simply didn't want to be kicked out.

 

I don't know if the above, or to what extent your bf feels though, all us aspies are just as varied as people off the spectrum. These are common traits though.

 

If this concerns you, best you ask next time you're out with him (odds are, he won't pick up on any subtleties you drop), and just ask him something like "why didn't you walk with me when I was getting kicked out. It would have made me feel better.", followed by something like "next time will you walk out with me?" depending on his response. Don't sound angry, but don't play dead either. If you do this right, he'll learn without needing to get into a fight.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You got thrown out of the venue because of your poor behaviour. Going back in to fight with someone who's just been restrained was [wrong] of you. It's not up to him to try and persuade management to let you stay - it's up to you to avoid being kicked out in the first place.

 

Perhaps he didn't like what he was seeing of you and wisely decided to keep out of it.

 

[]

 

Someone got offended by misunderstanding something I said, and started assaulting my property, then me, physically, and I cussed him out as a result. It is never, under any circumstances, "poor behaviour" to retaliate against severe physical violence with a few generic swear words, certainly not in this country. []

 

I never went "back in" anywhere. I was at the exact same spot at all times. He was dragged aside, I flipped him off at that point, and HE was the one who returned to attack me once more as if I deserve being beaten bloody for retaliating against violence by showing a finger. []

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
violations of civility and respect redacted ~6
Link to post
Share on other sites

...

Long story short, an argument between me and another young man got out of hand in my boyfriend's presence. ...

 

When I rejoined my boyfriend by the door of the theatre (we were going to the movies), he didn't seem to have just arrived there from the scene of the fight. I actually couldn't remember him being there at all.

 

I was thrown out indefinitely for being part of the row, and my boyfriend did not walk out with me. He sent me a text asking if I want him to come out, I told him not to because I really didn't want to ruin the evening for him. But he was too calm about it all. ...

 

... Could that have been why he stayed out of it while I was nearly beaten up? Or did he really decide I should deal with this on my own? I'm not quite sure he was just respecting my inner Xena. It's not that I was scared or needed his help. It's just that, required or not, I'd expect it. Or at least have him there between us or talking the other guy down. Talking the manager out of booting me. But waiting by the door to the theatre for me to finish up and join him?

 

I'm not too hurt (lies) but I'm scared of what it means and I can't exactly ask him "Where the hell were you when I was getting into a fight that got me banned, you embarassed, and our night ruined??? Or is it the Aspgerger's??". We've never argued about anything so far, never got angry at each other.

 

I'm not even sure I'm afraid he decided to dump me, but if I don't know why he left me there on my own, I don't know how to feel about him in general. I can deal with mental/neurological conditions and such causing poor decisions because I know what that's like. But what if that was a deliberate call? So could Asperger's make you stand by and watch as your girl gets attacked by a raging maniac, or is our relationship in trouble? Because simply being a coward doesn't suit him.

 

Was he there or not? It's not clear from your post.

Have you talked to him about it?

Did- or does he now- even know what happened?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
As someone with aspergers, I'd like to say the following:

 

I, and many others on the spectrum have a very difficult time telling 'in the moment' what I should do in an unfamiliar social situation, and often have a delayed reaction to what was right. You know the feeling of "damn it! I just noticed that I should/shouldn't have said/done that thing hours ago. I feel like such an a-hole now." Yeah, I get that feeling about 10 times more than most people.

Wow. I actually get that all the time. It makes sense. We also grew up very differently which might have contributed to how he reacted, how I reacted, and how I expected him to react. I was the bullied fat girl who was too slow to run away, so I learned to get ready to fight instantly. He, as I understand, had a traditional family and good upbringing aside from hardship every soldier has to face, and is obviously marked by (he says his Asperger's may be a result of military service).

 

I also am afraid to do things in such situations, as I'm aware of my shortcomings and don't want to make things worse. Or maybe he just simply didn't want to be kicked out.

The last point... While nobody wants to be kicked out, like, solidarity..? Had the situation been reversed and someone was actually big enough to threaten my boyfriend, I would have gone berserk on them, permissions be damned. This is something I know I'd do from experience. Came out a loser every time, and damned proud, too :cool:

 

If this concerns you, best you ask next time you're out with him (odds are, he won't pick up on any subtleties you drop), and just ask him something like "why didn't you walk with me when I was getting kicked out. It would have made me feel better.", followed by something like "next time will you walk out with me?" depending on his response. Don't sound angry, but don't play dead either. If you do this right, he'll learn without needing to get into a fight.

I know it's the best shot, but I'd feel bad about making him feel guilty or inadequate or something. Strictly speaking, the fight didn't concern him and I didn't just tell him to enjoy the movie in order to be snappish about it later, I really wanted him to. And he did pay for my ticket. Well, he had a 1+1, but he could have gone to 2 movies with that. And he's been so generous and patient, I don't want to bash his nose in one incident. Not like I caught a punch because he didn't save me.

Obviously it'd give me more clarity than asking here, but it just seems like a way to get us both hurt. Perhaps he'll tell me on his own accord :(

 

 

I would say yes. People with Asperger's find it difficult to empathise and equate with another person's feelings. It's an anathema to them, and they tend to not be able to get on that plane or emotional level with you.

They tend to look at things in a logical, matter-of-fact way, which makes absolute perfect sense to them, even though to everyone else it might appear cold and calculating.

It's not their fault.

 

I believe my youngest daughter suffers from a mild form... and that's ok.

 

This link gives a fairly comprehensive summary of many attributes an Asperger's sufferer demonstrates.

Thanks for the link!

I would think that same cold logic would tell him to get in that fight because his girl is about to get her ... kicked. On the other hand, said logic might also say, "Look, 3 guys are holding him, this is gonna be okay without you". Right? Probably the second option. Hopefully.

 

Thanks to you and JustGettingBy, for giving me some insights and hope :)

 

I hope I can just get over this and put this on the very short list of things I fault him for versus the very long list why he's great.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Was he there or not? It's not clear from your post.

Have you talked to him about it?

Did- or does he now- even know what happened?

 

We went in together, but when things started heating up between me and the other guy, he went for the threatre door and waited there for me during the whole thing. Watching.

We had a very short chat afterward (I'd gone home while he was still in the movie), him asking how I'm feeling and if I'm banned forever and what we do from here on. I didn't dare ask what he meant by that. I want to let a few days pass before talking about anything because I'm still seething and emotional.

Edited by Pompom
Link to post
Share on other sites
We went in together, but when things started heating up between me and the other guy, he went for the threatre door and waited there for me during the whole thing. Watching.

We had a very short chat, him asking how I'm feeling and if I'm banned forever and what we do from here on. I didn't dare ask what he meant by that. I want to let a few days pass before talking about anything because I'm still seething and emotional.

 

So you two were standing next to each other.

Then (while you were standing next to your BF? or after you walked away from your BF?) someone head you say something (to him, the other person? or overhead you say it to someone else?) and get aggressive with you, then kicking your stuff, etc.

 

It's essential to know what your BF heard and saw, how much he knew about what was going on, because I can see myself not reacting (and even withdrawing a bit) if my friend got into a fight that I didn't know anything about. I wouldn't know what the heck was going on at all- who started what and why, whether they had a longstanding feud, or what. If my friend did get into it with someone else, I'd be grabbing my friend's arm to get him or her out of the tangle- unless my friend started it or was at fault. Then I'd assume my friend wanted to fight and I wouldn't interfere.

 

Be careful of attributing things to a disorder IF there is a simpler explanation that has nothing to do with a disorder.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
[]

 

Someone got offended by misunderstanding something I said, and started assaulting my property, then me, physically, and I cussed him out as a result. It is never, under any circumstances, "poor behaviour" to retaliate against severe physical violence with a few generic swear words, certainly not in this country. []

 

I never went "back in" anywhere. I was at the exact same spot at all times. He was dragged aside, I flipped him off at that point, and HE was the one who returned to attack me once more as if I deserve being beaten bloody for retaliating against violence by showing a finger. []

 

So why were you thrown out of the club if you were blameless in all of this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If he saw it all, he probably looked at it with confusion, wondering why you were fighting. He probably didn't understand what was going on or who had upset who. He wouldn't necessarily have an instinct to defend you if he thought you had chosen to be in that situation. Not coming out with you was insensitive, but he did his bit by asking you (at least that's what he would probably think).

 

I think you need to have a talk with him to explain what was happening and to find out why he felt it was nothing to do with him (which it wasn't, technically).

 

If thinking about how someone with Asperger's would react to a situation, think Mr Spock or Data!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If he saw it all, he probably looked at it with confusion, wondering why you were fighting. He probably didn't understand what was going on or who had upset who. He wouldn't necessarily have an instinct to defend you if he thought you had chosen to be in that situation. Not coming out with you was insensitive, but he did his bit by asking you (at least that's what he would probably think).

 

I think you need to have a talk with him to explain what was happening and to find out why he felt it was nothing to do with him (which it wasn't, technically).

 

If thinking about how someone with Asperger's would react to a situation, think Mr Spock or Data!

Yeah Spock would never have interfered, because the attacker was being restrained.

Then again, I hate Spock. I like the Doctor (9 through 12). Or Deadpool. Men with a pulse, like.

 

So you two were standing next to each other.

Then (while you were standing next to your BF? or after you walked away from your BF?) someone head you say something (to him, the other person? or overhead you say it to someone else?) and get aggressive with you, then kicking your stuff, etc.

He was walking ahead actually, so he arrived by the door while I was getting into that argument. As stuff started getting heated I noticed he wasn't within reach anymore. He was still close when he heard the verbal misunderstanding that caused it all though.

The first thing I said was not to the other guy, but it could've sounded like it was if one chose to hear it wrong. I said something to myself that was harmless in the language I said it, but mumbling it, I later understood it came out sounding a bit like a death wish upon the other guy in the local language. Because he was screaming the accusation of my saying that all over the place. In Israel people cuss each other out all the time, so it's standard to ask "Did you just call me (whatever)?" and only if they brazenly confirm, bestow devastation.

 

It's essential to know what your BF heard and saw, how much he knew about what was going on, because I can see myself not reacting (and even withdrawing a bit) if my friend got into a fight that I didn't know anything about. I wouldn't know what the heck was going on at all- who started what and why, whether they had a longstanding feud, or what. If my friend did get into it with someone else, I'd be grabbing my friend's arm to get him or her out of the tangle- unless my friend started it or was at fault. Then I'd assume my friend wanted to fight and I wouldn't interfere.

I also stay out of fights when I feel like a friend was asking for it, but if it's someone I feel a degree of love or loyalty for, this complacency ends when they're in physical danger. Whatever the reasons for a fight, a strong person should step in to defend their weaker friend or partner if things go sideways. You can always scold them later. I for one would never let my small dog get mauled by the neighbour's crazy animal just because she snarled at him first.

 

Be careful of attributing things to a disorder IF there is a simpler explanation that has nothing to do with a disorder.

That's why I asked if it could be attributed. I'd prefer it honestly because then there'd be no intentionally abandoning me with a guy who's trying to murder me, because god forbid you miss your movie or catch a scratch. But maybe it was.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe he had parents who used to fight so his first instinct is to just remove himself from the situation. And isn't introspective enough to realize he shouldn't do that.

 

Or maybe he's just tired of you getting into conflict with other people. If I'm out at the movies with my girlfriend I'm not interacting with any other women enough to ever get in a fight, and she's not either with any guys. You focusing your attention enough at this other guy to get in a fight might make him not want to defend you.

 

Glad to hear you're doing well overall though pom. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah Spock would never have interfered, because the attacker was being restrained.

Then again, I hate Spock. I like the Doctor (9 through 12). Or Deadpool. Men with a pulse, like.

 

 

He was walking ahead actually, so he arrived by the door while I was getting into that argument. As stuff started getting heated I noticed he wasn't within reach anymore. He was still close when he heard the verbal misunderstanding that caused it all though.

The first thing I said was not to the other guy, but it could've sounded like it was if one chose to hear it wrong. I said something to myself that was harmless in the language I said it, but mumbling it, I later understood it came out sounding a bit like a death wish upon the other guy in the local language. Because he was screaming the accusation of my saying that all over the place. In Israel people cuss each other out all the time, so it's standard to ask "Did you just call me (whatever)?" and only if they brazenly confirm, bestow devastation.

 

 

I also stay out of fights when I feel like a friend was asking for it, but if it's someone I feel a degree of love or loyalty for, this complacency ends when they're in physical danger. Whatever the reasons for a fight, a strong person should step in to defend their weaker friend or partner if things go sideways. You can always scold them later. I for one would never let my small dog get mauled by the neighbour's crazy animal just because she snarled at him first.

 

 

That's why I asked if it could be attributed. I'd prefer it honestly because then there'd be no intentionally abandoning me with a guy who's trying to murder me, because god forbid you miss your movie or catch a scratch. But maybe it was.

 

Yeah, I'd really talk to him about this and ask him about his perspective on it, all of it, what he was thinking, etc. Whether its asperger's or not, setting a pattern of comfortably talking things through is good for any relationship with anyone. I really hope it works out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove

I would be miffed if my bf didn't defend me or at least try to mediate. However, I don't understand Asperger's so I wouldn't know how someone with that condition would react in that situation. Talk to your bf and instead of interrogating him I would just try to find out what he was thinking in that moment. If you are able to tap into his thought process you not only would find out more about him but also how he may behave in the future in a similar situation.

 

I, a female, defend my loved ones anywhere and anytime. I would leave the theatre with them even if it was their fault. That's how I operate but every one is different.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think your bf was wrong, but that you also were.

 

I mean, someone kicks your stuff and you escalate by cussing at him?? And then he tries to hit you and is restrained by other people, and you stand there and continue to argue with him??? :confused: Jesus christ, why would you do that? Just turn around and leave. It's NEVER worth it to escalate in a situation where you could put yourself and your loved ones in danger.

 

He should defend you if you were truly blameless (and either way him remaining in there and letting you stay outside alone is wrong on his part, he should have left with you IMO), but you definitely had a part in this one. I would expect my SO to defend me if I was physically assaulted, but the difference is that I wouldn't stand there and continue to engage aggressively with a stranger who had already proven himself to be capable of violence, and then expect my SO to put himself in harm's way to fight that guy over a row that I instigated.

 

Also, I recall you mentioning in a previous thread that you love violent conflict and thrive on it. Is this the first time you have engaged in a cuss-fest with someone else, with your bf present?

Edited by Elswyth
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
[]

 

Someone got offended by misunderstanding something I said, and started assaulting my property, then me, physically, and I cussed him out as a result. It is never, under any circumstances, "poor behaviour" to retaliate against severe physical violence with a few generic swear words, certainly not in this country. []

 

I never went "back in" anywhere. I was at the exact same spot at all times. He was dragged aside, I flipped him off at that point, and HE was the one who returned to attack me once more as if I deserve being beaten bloody for retaliating against violence by showing a finger. []

 

Are you 12? Do you have any self control?

 

You need to learn when to back off and keep quiet. You are totally in the wrong. A misunderstanding occurs by something you said that was misunderstood. The other person responds physically. You fire off some swear words. People intervene to remove him from your space bubble and away from you.

 

That is where it SHOULD have ended.

 

But that wasn't enough for you. You flipped him off, added fuel to the hot situation. You had to have the last word....or gesture. Probably if you hadn't done that, you wouldn't have been banned.

 

If you're going to act like a thug, then you need to fight your own battles, and be prepared to actually fight. If that's the kind of person you want to be, male or female - own it.

 

Yes, I think you can expect some different social behaviors from your boyfriend than one who is not autistic. Since you know he has been diagnosed and you've now seen examples of it, you owe it to yourself (and him) to educate yourself on this subject.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ChickiePops

Frankly if my boyfriend or any of my friends behaved the way you did, I would be humiliated and I would strongly reconsider whether or not I wanted them in my life at all. You're lucky he hasn't dumped you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Frankly if my boyfriend or any of my friends behaved the way you did, I would be humiliated and I would strongly reconsider whether or not I wanted them in my life at all. You're lucky he hasn't dumped you.

 

Indeed. I really hope none of the guys who were kind enough to try and hold the other guy back got hurt just because they were trying to be a Good Samaritan to a girl with zero self-control.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Asperger's may be the reason he didn't get involved, but it was more likely just simple intelligence.

 

Your behavior was unacceptable. Expecting him to get involved is even more outrageous.

 

I wouldn't tolerate that. At all.

 

If you were planning to say or ask me anything about that event, you better be coming with an apology and a promise to never do anything like that again.

 

Any suggestion that I should have gotten involved in that foolishness would mean the relationship is over. Immediately.

 

And you're still "seething" about it days later? Seriously? You need to get yourself together, young lady. That attitude and behavior does not lead to positive outcomes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...