Jump to content

Why Happy Couples Cheat


Recommended Posts

I found this video fascinating not only for its perspective on marriage, but also how much I can relate the concept of an affair, to seeing escorts and sugar babies. I never cheated but divorced and pretty much went on a sexual rampage.

 

She mentions that people who have an affair often say it makes them feel alive again! I have said this about seeing escorts many times here. She says that people use affairs to beat back deadness. That is certainly true for me and seeing escorts. But I not only beat back deadness, I beat back the desire to die.

 

I think everyone can benefit from this video be you married or not.

 

Quotes that caught my attention

But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.

 

The victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage

 

Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal. And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique, I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable, I'm the one. And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self.

 

One thing that struck me in particular is that we expect too much from a partner now. I have seriously started to consider that I might need one partner for sex, and another or several for companionship. How can I possibly hope to find anyone who can be everything that I need or want and at the same time be everything that she needs and wants? It is like waiting to win the lottery.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse

It's not the illusion shattering that I'm the only person my partner needs that would hurt me if he had an affair, it's the lying, deceit, taking the decision about who I have a relationship with out of my hands by adding a third person in secretly and denying me the opportunity to let my partner go if I'm not enough as a partner.

 

I've never tried to be my partner's everything: he has friends, family, bandmates, workmates to form his social circle and I am just one piece, even though it's a pretty major piece as we see one another more then we see anyone else (living together).

 

Him cheating wouldn't shatter my sense of self, I know who I am and that I'm loved and valued by many people other than him. But when faced with a choice between ending our relationship to pursue someone else and simply pursuing them anyway while coming home, lying to my face, exposing me to STIs and betraying me deeply, if he chose the latter it would tell me so much about him as a person, I couldn't maintain the relationship any longer.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Him cheating wouldn't shatter my sense of self, I know who I am and that I'm loved and valued by many people other than him. But when faced with a choice between ending our relationship to pursue someone else and simply pursuing them anyway while coming home, lying to my face, exposing me to STIs and betraying me deeply, if he chose the latter it would tell me so much about him as a person, I couldn't maintain the relationship any longer.

 

 

That is just one possible scenario. For example, what if you didn't have a sex life anymore and he never lied?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wouldn't that hurt the person you settled for, when it comes to companionship? Why not just have a roommate, for company? Or are you talking an open relationship, where they see other people, as well?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Wouldn't that hurt the person you settled for, when it comes to companionship? Why not just have a roommate, for company? Or are you talking an open relationship, where they see other people, as well?

 

I don't know. I am open to pretty much anything. But the chance of finding someone who is sexually and intellectually and emotionally attractive to me are pretty slim... almost zero. I haven't met one woman over the last year who remotely interests me other than the young hotties that I see for sex. I've been on over 50 coffee dates and ruled out probably 400 more online. And that doesn't even address the issue of them wanting me for a lover.

 

I could pretty much have my pick of single women my age in the area but have absolutely no interest. Getting all the attention is fun but it doesn't go any further.

Edited by Robert Z
Link to post
Share on other sites
purplesorrow
That is just one possible scenario. For example, what if you didn't have a sex life anymore and he never lied?

 

Your title says why happy couples cheat. No sex life isn't a happy couple if both or even one still want it. We were happy, my ex agrees. He cheated anyway. He says he was just being greedy. He still wants our marriage back and we're divorced. We were very compatible and still had a great sex life. He felt stuck in his career while mine had flourished. We made around the same but he was unhappy with his job. He could have come to me, I always supported him and his dreams. He chose to medicate by cheating.

I never expected him to be my everything, I had a full life before him and now after. He augmented what was already there. The only thing I expected was honesty and fidelity. I gave him both.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Happiness is a state of mind. In this scenario, those happy people want to spread it around, share their happiness with others and without boundaries of monogamy. People who are monogamous tend to view breaching of the boundary as a sign of unhappiness or unhealthiness. There are plenty of folks who are not intrinsically monogamous and who can be as happy 'cheating' as they are when not. They love and enjoy other people and having sex with other people. Some also love 'loving' other people and are or can be legally partnered for, well, legal reasons, social reasons or religious reasons, not necessarily specifically sexual or emotional reasons.

Link to post
Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse
That is just one possible scenario. For example, what if you didn't have a sex life anymore and he never lied?

 

What do you mean he never lied? As in, he cheated then immediately told me or something else? I'm not sure what you're referring to.

 

If you never have a sex life anymore and you're not happy with that, the honourable thing would be to try and fix or change that somehow, and if you can't, leave and pursue it elsewhere. Not to go behind your partner's back to get laid.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Rob, some people are literal bottomless pits for ego-stroking. They need it and have to have it. Their level of contentment is not a barometer for fidelity/transparence. If they are 'happy' meaning they enjoy security, intimacy and sexual pleasure in their relationship.....there is never enough attention, affection, emotional and physical bliss that will fill them up.

No one can provide 'happy' for another person anyway. Integrity and loyalty are the difference.

 

I know that 'happy' was not your marriage experience.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Robert, I think seeing escorts is a scary option. I've actually never seen anyone around me that visted them - until I turned around 34.

 

I also read here of some men in their late 20s who have never been with any women - resorting to escorts.

 

If worse comes to worse I feel those men should watch a porn or masturbate or go to a strip club - but actually having sex with an escort is beyond me.

 

I feel that so many men are so hurt by being rejected - that they turn to escorts as a quick fix - which only furthers a problem. Also I can never see a quality woman date or marry a man who has been with escorts.

 

There are far more important things to do and achieve in life.

 

Sorry if I seem harsh on this but I just feel you and many others are better than this.

 

It just makes me that more grateful and proud of the quality love relationships I've actually had. Others can have them and get them as well - if they go out there and get them - and if not - those people should focus on their own personal greatness and legacies - feed the homeless/volunteer or something.

Link to post
Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse
Robert, I think seeing escorts is a scary option. I've actually never seen anyone around me that visted them - until I turned around 34.

 

I also read here of some men in their late 20s who have never been with any women - resorting to escorts.

 

If worse comes to worse I feel those men should watch a porn or masturbate or go to a strip club - but actually having sex with an escort is beyond me.

 

I feel that so many men are so hurt by being rejected - that they turn to escorts as a quick fix - which only furthers a problem. Also I can never see a quality woman date or marry a man who has been with escorts.

 

There are far more important things to do and achieve in life.

 

Sorry if I seem harsh on this but I just feel you and many others are better than this.

 

It just makes me that more grateful and proud of the quality love relationships I've actually had. Others can have them and get them as well - if they go out there and get them - and if not - those people should focus on their own personal greatness and legacies - feed the homeless/volunteer or something.

 

I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that few quality women would date a man who had visited escorts: I have, and know many others who have too (dated those guys, not visited escorts!). I know of at least four or five guys in my social circle, two of whom are exes, who have had sex with escorts in the past. If a guy was seeing them regularly for a long period of time I think I'd find that questionable, but a period of experimentation, or a rare event, no problem to me.

 

However I wouldn't date a guy who was hypocritical about it. If he said he'd visited escorts but wouldn't date a girl who'd been an escort that'd be a huge turn off and say a lot about how he views and respects the women who do sex work. Like she's good enough to be a sex worker but not good enough to date or something, that would leave a bad taste.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Even happy couples can lack something that their partner can't provide. It's unrealistic to expect your partner to provide everything, and even when they try (such as always available for sex), the sameness of routine may leave you with a desire for something or someone fresh and new, at least occasionally.

 

The answer to this isn't cheating - I despise cheating and cheaters. The answer - IMO - is an open relationship. Then, these urges and unmet needs can be pursued openly, honestly, and in a controlled fashion. Unfortunately, most people are conditioned to only accept closed, monogamous relationships, so honesty is precluded, leaving only the clandestine satisfaction of unmet desires. In many (even most) cases, they still love their spouse. They are willing to risk blowing up a good relationship because of social constraints.

Link to post
Share on other sites
loveweary11

Never worried for a second about you, Robert... until I just read this:

 

"But I not only beat back deadness, I beat back the desire to die."

 

You're well out of your old marriage now.

 

You should *not* still be having these thoughts. Continue having fun, but find a purpose or passion or something that awakens you inside (other than girls). Sounds like there is something missing...

 

As someone who relates very well to all of your posts and sees them as positive, I speak from empathy here.

 

You should not be beating back the desire to die. You had always said that was the ex making you feel like that. Not your natural state. If it is your natural state, fix it, man.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

"Even Happy people cheat ..?"

I feel nowadays , that the definition of happiness is distorted...

 

 

I will speak on behalf of those who have been faithful for a long , long duration ; yet they decide one day to cheat ...

 

The question is that why did they cheat or attempted to cheat ?

 

just for sex ?

 

I doubt ;

 

From my personnel experience ; I can say I attempted to cheat because I felt emotionally abused by my wife for more than 10 years .

 

I was so angry to an extent that I can pick someone from street and sleep with her ; didn't do it . why ?

 

because like some similar men ; first it is against my moral and care about my partner , second I can't sleep with a women and enjoy it unless I have emotional connection to her .

Amazingly , I confessed to my wife that I attempted to cheat her ; and thats what we do (The unexperienced honest men); yet nothing happened ...

Things got worse.

 

I am still in that rotten marriage ; and yes I am going out now with girls without sleeping with them (friends with benefits ). it is also cheating maybe ; but why I do it ?

 

because I want to feel really loved ; not rejected ;I want to touch givology.

 

One very important thing is that the following fact :

 

-when you reach the point that you want to cheat , Marriage is over .

 

-It will be your and your partner decision if you want to succeed in marrying the same person again with new vows or another new person .

 

I don't know if I cheat again , I don't know if my or any woman understand that we look strong human , but we are kids from inside .

 

All what I can say to you Robert is that you seem a good guy , no matter what happen , don't give up ; one day you will find her ; and when you find the real women whom you are seeking ; you will never think of anybody else again :)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T
Link to post
Share on other sites
planetfitessgal
That is just one possible scenario. For example, what if you didn't have a sex life anymore and he never lied?

 

If I didn't have a sex life I wouldn't be happily married.

 

There are women who love sex, so when a man who had a wife who didn't extrapolates that to all of us, it's pretty unintelligent.

 

Sounds to me like creative justification for deceit.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that few quality women would date a man who had visited escorts: I have, and know many others who have too (dated those guys, not visited escorts!). I know of at least four or five guys in my social circle, two of whom are exes, who have had sex with escorts in the past. If a guy was seeing them regularly for a long period of time I think I'd find that questionable, but a period of experimentation, or a rare event, no problem to me.

 

However I wouldn't date a guy who was hypocritical about it. If he said he'd visited escorts but wouldn't date a girl who'd been an escort that'd be a huge turn off and say a lot about how he views and respects the women who do sex work. Like she's good enough to be a sex worker but not good enough to date or something, that would leave a bad taste.

 

Interesting and good on you for giving those guys a chance. Personally I'm very paranoid of STDs so I'm very careful of who I get with and keep my "body count" low. I'm 34 and never had an STD in my life.

 

I just view using escorts as a quick fix, addictive and destructive activity to pursue in life.

 

Your friends who have been with them - question - do they smoke, drink and do other drugs? Also what do they do for a living? I'm curious.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2

Forgive me if I have not read the whole thread, but 'happy couples cheat' seems an oxymoron to me... depending on how one defines 'happy', of course.....

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse
Interesting and good on you for giving those guys a chance. Personally I'm very paranoid of STDs so I'm very careful of who I get with and keep my "body count" low. I'm 34 and never had an STD in my life.

 

I just view using escorts as a quick fix, addictive and destructive activity to pursue in life.

 

Your friends who have been with them - question - do they smoke, drink and do other drugs? Also what do they do for a living? I'm curious.

 

I'm wary of STDs too, I never come off condoms in a new relationship until we've both been tested. Although I don't keep my body count low and have had a lot of casual sex:P Never had an STD either.

 

No, none of them particularly wild re smoking, drinking and drugs... one or two smoke, none use drugs. One is a professor, one is a social care worker, one is a mechanic, one is a supermarket worker. Just straight up, regular guys. It must be way way more common than most of us realise as like I say, I don't think these guys had anything about them that would mark them out as 'oh yeah, they'd totally use prostitutes!'.

Link to post
Share on other sites

No, none of them particularly wild re smoking, drinking and drugs... one or two smoke, none use drugs. One is a professor, one is a social care worker, one is a mechanic, one is a supermarket worker. Just straight up, regular guys. It must be way way more common than most of us realise as like I say, I don't think these guys had anything about them that would mark them out as 'oh yeah, they'd totally use prostitutes!'.

 

How did the "I have used prostitutes" conversation come up?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm wary of STDs too, I never come off condoms in a new relationship until we've both been tested. Although I don't keep my body count low and have had a lot of casual sex:P Never had an STD either.

 

No, none of them particularly wild re smoking, drinking and drugs... one or two smoke, none use drugs. One is a professor, one is a social care worker, one is a mechanic, one is a supermarket worker. Just straight up, regular guys. It must be way way more common than most of us realise as like I say, I don't think these guys had anything about them that would mark them out as 'oh yeah, they'd totally use prostitutes!'.

 

Interesting. The thing is they seem like average guys. Here's the kicker question - do any of those guys pursue their "greatness" in life? Some major life passion?

 

I did research on people who cheat and the majority do not.

 

I wonder if it's the case with men who use escorts.

 

For myself, I work full time - but pursue a rewarding artistic passion on the side that adds to my income. I'm constantly excited by it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

The only reason I mentioned seeing escorts is that I saw so many parallels to what she said about having an affair. This thread is about the video posted, not me. However, I will say that point is not debatable. It was the best decision I ever made.

 

LW13, the thought of seeing escorts is what stopped me from pulling the trigger. I credit escorts with saving my life. I had never even considered seeing one until that last possible moment. When something like that stops you from killing yourself, you remember. The real irony was that I didn't even know the lack of sex had killed my desire to live. I only figured that out later.

 

Generally speaking, I suspect a lot of people would he surprised at how many couples have little or no sex life but stay together. Apparently my ex thought we were happy even though we hadn't slept together for ten years!!! :laugh:

Edited by Robert Z
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
What do you mean he never lied? As in, he cheated then immediately told me or something else? I'm not sure what you're referring to.

 

 

It may happen in such a way that no lying is required. Say for example he or she is having an affair with someone at work, so explanations of time are never required.

 

 

That aside, do I take it that one lie ends a marriage? When you marry them, if they ever lie or deceive you its over? Say for example when you ask how he likes your new hair cut and he lies and says he likes it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Rob, some people are literal bottomless pits for ego-stroking. They need it and have to have it. Their level of contentment is not a barometer for fidelity/transparence. If they are 'happy' meaning they enjoy security, intimacy and sexual pleasure in their relationship.....there is never enough attention, affection, emotional and physical bliss that will fill them up.

No one can provide 'happy' for another person anyway. Integrity and loyalty are the difference.

 

I know that 'happy' was not your marriage experience.

 

 

Okay, so what is your point? Are you saying that only people with bottomless pits of ego requirements cheat?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Interesting. The thing is they seem like average guys. Here's the kicker question - do any of those guys pursue their "greatness" in life? Some major life passion?

 

In Vietnam, approximately 100% of men have seen prostitutes. Are you suggesting that all Vietnamese men are somehow unique?

 

All men are the type to see escorts given the right circumstances. And I would venture to say that anyone might cheat given the right circumstances. If you expect your mate to be perfect then you will be sadly disillusioned; or at the least you are living a fantasy. Anyone can hit a breaking point.

Edited by Robert Z
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...