JoL Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 I have a friend who has admitted that he is no longer attracted to his girlfriend..because since meeting her she has gained about 15kgs (which is over 30 pounds).....a lot of weight for a 21 year old girl to gain. I think she has just let herself go, maybe in a comfort zone? He has tried to gently broach the subject with her, but she doesn't want to listen. She is a very big eater and does not exercise at all..i guess he thought if he could gently bring it up she might get the hint, but she doesnt seem too bothered by it. She has gone from around an australian size 10 (american size 4) to an australian size 14 (american size 8). He on the other hand, is extremely fit and active and really quite skinny. They do look quite odd together at times, simply because hs is so skinny and she has gotten quite..rounded. Now, i am the first to say you should love your partner as they are, but in this situation it is affecting his attraction towards her..is he entitled to feel that way, or should he be more accepting of her if he really loves her? Im stumped as to what advice to give him! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 He thinks an American size 8 is too big? WTF? Unless she's four foot nothing, size eight is not huge by any stretch of the imagination!!! What was she before - a skeleton? And you think he looks good because he's 'skinny'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted February 22, 2005 Author Share Posted February 22, 2005 Perhaps i got the sizing wrong i dont know. Hey- i didnt say he looked good at all he is really weedy if you ask me..but that isnt the point here. I just said HE had a problem with her weight. Id say she has gone from around 120 pounds(55kg) to around 150 pounds(70kg)...hey! i didnt say i thought that was big or bad or anything..HE DID. And i am trying to figure out what kind of advice to give him in regards to this situation..i didnt say those things..he did..lets get that much straight! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Some men won't admit it in a million years within earshot of any women who happen to be in a 100 mile radius, but its like a friend of mine, B. once said: "I'm not attracted to large women, and I don't date them - if I date someone who lets herself get large then I can't stay with her. I can't make myself be sexually attracted to big women no matter who they are." I know men who can't function with their wives for the same reason. Its not that they don't love them, its that they aren't attracted to them and don't want to go to bed with them. Unfortunately, it often leads to stuff like 'turning to porn' or 'turning to another woman'. They don't feel they have a right to say "I do not want to be with an overweight person", so they bury it and find outlets that seemingly "keep the relationship together" but ultimately kill it from the inside. I guess for some people, physical attraction is higher up on the priority list than it is for others. People are entitled to have whichever priorities they want, but in a relationship a person like that at least needs to be honest about it with their partner. If this guy can't function with his girlfriend after gaining weight, and she won't address the issue - then he needs to be clear that for him, its a deal breaker. It isn't admirable - we all want to think that if you love someone that 'physical' things shouldn't matter, but for some people they do matter. A lot. Your friend needs to be gently honest with his girlfriend. Its going to hurt her badly, no doubt - but it will at least give her the chance to find someone for whom 'physical things' are less of an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Id say she has gone from around 120 pounds(55kg) to around 150 pounds(70kg) Yeah, you're terrible at guessing sizes. In that case, what Lucrezia said. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by JoL ..is he entitled to feel that way, yes, we are all entitled to feel which ever way we want. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Could someone converse the American sizes to European sizes, please? Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Could someone converse the American sizes to European sizes, please? Originally posted by JoL Id say she has gone from around 120 pounds(55kg) to around 150 pounds(70kg)... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 yes, we are all entitled to feel which ever way we want. Feelings can be completely irrational. We can delve into the sources of our feelings and fix the rationale behind some of the dumber ones. For instance, someone feels jealous of a partner who is perfectly trustworthy and who is doing nothing wrong. I don't agree that all feelings are valid just because you have them. Some need to be fixed and it's doable. Nobody looks the same throughout his or her life so if you find that you can only be attracted to a certain shape or size (possibly a fetish in itself?) then you best understand your chances of a long-term satisfactory relationship are that much less. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by JoL I have a friend who has admitted that he is no longer attracted to his girlfriend ^ This is what bothers me. Why is he confiding in another woman?! Does he have the hots for you, is that a possibility? That'd piss me off more than anything, if I was that woman. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 If you don´t know her size 55 kg could be anything. I would look chubby with 55 kg, someone who is 6 feet tall would look really skinny. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Feelings can be completely irrational. sure, that is the point behind feelings. We can delve into the sources of our feelings and fix the rationale behind some of the dumber ones. some people can and some cannot. it is hard to make rational something that is inherently irrational and based upon human emotion(s) I don't agree that all feelings are valid just because you have them. no one ever said they're all valid or invalid but we all have a right to have them. Some need to be fixed and it's doable. what criteria or recomendations would you have for "fixing" them? Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 i wouldnt blame him for feeling that way. i bet your friend is an athletic guy who eats healthy foods and takes care of himself, and he probably expects the same from his partner. if he finds this is really hurting his attraction towards her, then he should probably tell her. OR if your friend already works out at a gym, he could convince her to join him on workouts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted February 23, 2005 Author Share Posted February 23, 2005 Okay, so she is about 5'5' which is about 165cm tall...she is a very attractive girl *I* think..very pretty. he didnt confide in just me, it wasnt like were were bonding away, there was 3 of us..Me, him and another guy friend of ours. He wanted some opinions on what to do on the issue, because he feels like a jerk for even thinking this way. He asked my perspective, as a girl, how would i feel if my bf was concerned about my weight gain. I didnt even really know how to respond to that question! I have gained weight while with a bf before, but my bf at the time just commented on how i'd gotten "cuter" around my tummy and we laughed about it. It was a few extra kilos, and i lost that over time and it was just because i was eating lots of junk during exams. With his girlfriend it seems to be an ongoing thing, eating out A LOT and just enjoying eating food that is bad for you.. How the hell can you broach such a sensitive topic with your SO?? Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 well...is there a reason for her changed eating pattern/habits? she loves to eat/ She has issues, so she eats to fulfill them/ or since she alerady has a bf, she feels no need to maintain a proper attractive body to court men cause of her comfort zone. If you knew where the real reason stands, then start from there. if you dont find out, then all you can do is wait for her to change her ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoL Posted February 23, 2005 Author Share Posted February 23, 2005 Thats pretty much what my other friend told him too- you need to find out if there is an underlying reason for such a big weight gain- is she comfortable? depressed? unhappy? I guess he just doesnt want to upset her by pointing out that shes gained weight..but theres no other way to tackle the issue- other than ignore it- which he doesnt seem ok with either Link to post Share on other sites
glitter_bug Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I really dont think telling her that he doesn't find her attractive anymore will motivate her to lose weight. My boyfriend tried it and I just felt depressed (and when i'm depressed i tend to eat more - kinda counter productive i know) Tell him to try and get her more involved in sports or excerise, especially something they can do together. Maybe they could both join a gym or take up tennis or something. Also don't go suggesting mcdonalds when they can't be bothered cooking! Tell him to make healthy eating choices himself and don't have his house full of junk food. Notice any little change and tell her how good she looks. Positive reinforcement usually in much more effective, making her feel more confident and want to look even better. Actually the biggest incentive to lose weight was my bf dumping me, i lost almost 10 kilos (about 22 pounds?). i think this might be a bit drastic though. Link to post Share on other sites
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