RecentChange Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 The "revenge" thread made me realize that I have never had a messy break up. Certainly never had any thoughts of revenge or getting back at the other person. And even more - I don't feel like I have ever been "wronged" by any ex boy friends. Maybe some of them feel differently about me! But each of my "ended" relationships where simply a drifting apart, until one of us acknowledged it was over. No cheating, no drama. Sure tears were shed, loss was felt, but I always felt "oh well, wasn't meant to be" and moved on. It surprises me how much hate, vitrol etc can develop between two people who loved each other, or at the very least cared deeply for each other. My parents divorced when I was young, and while they managed to remain civil, it was clear that they didn't think very highly of each other - as I grew older, I wondered, how can you love and marry someone, then later decide you don't like anything about them. Still leaves me scratching my head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 You must carry healthy self restraint and regard. My passion in the relationship was directly effected when it came to term. Fast forward and currently 90% of what used to set things off down the wrong path has ceased. I simply do not subscribe to drama or petty riffs. We each grow and adjust. Some quicker then others. My favorite story about couples is the one of : Wife is a newly wed ... fumbling to make oatmeal... the husband adores her ways. They have oatmeal each morning . It becomes a sweet tradition. Then one day ... years down the road.. he looks over at her... and says... I want a divorce! She drops her spoon and says... What? Why? He says: because I hate the crunchy sound you make when eating oatmeal! That is how relationships end... that distorted view one person has... Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Recent Change: same here! My breakups have been pretty pleasant. We both realized we wanted different things, or weren't the best match long-term. Or had just moved on in our lives. No need to burn bridges on the way out. I was pretty astounded at some of the things people said to each other and the way they treated other during a breakup. I can't imagine behaving that badly towards a fellow human being, especially one I had claimed to love only weeks earlier. At first I thought it was just immaturity. But I'm increasingly convinced that it's just people revealing their true natures and their true selves. Combined with an inability to accept when things aren't working, let go, and leave. They stick it out to the bitter end until things escalate to contempt and hate. So unhealthy and unnecessary. Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 My breakups, even the dissolution of my marriage, have usually been drama minimal. I am still friends with many of my ex's. Not best buddy friends, but still talk occasionally type of friends. I guess I've been lucky. I've not been cheated on, hit, verbally abused - outside of the rare occasional loud argument - , nor purposefully mistreated. Even after 7 years of no a sex relationship , I still hold my ex no ill will. She is who she is, it was my decision/fault to stay so long.. I only had one bad breakup, but that was so long ago, and I was so young, it's a distant memory. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Ditto. I've been very fortunate as well. And as a result, I'm on good terms with pretty much all of my ex's. Wouldn't have it any other way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RecentChange Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Combined with an inability to accept when things aren't working, let go, and leave. They stick it out to the bitter end until things escalate to contempt and hate. So unhealthy and unnecessary. Ohhh I think you are on to something here. I am not saying I am wonderful when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and thats why I have never had a bad break up. But I just don't do fighting, arguing, yelling - conflict avoidance usually isn't the best. But on the other hand if we aren't getting along, I am ready to call it quits. So, we diverge for whatever reason - and either I say it isn't working any more, or I have been "dumped" ("its me not you" has been the usual). But I think the key is that I am OUT before it gets nasty. At the same time, I still can't quite comprehend wanting to hurt, or wanting revenge against, or having such hate and vitriol for someone I "loved" or deeply cared about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuanDelToro Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Ohhh I think you are on to something here. I am not saying I am wonderful when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and thats why I have never had a bad break up. But I just don't do fighting, arguing, yelling - conflict avoidance usually isn't the best. But on the other hand if we aren't getting along, I am ready to call it quits. So, we diverge for whatever reason - and either I say it isn't working any more, or I have been "dumped" ("its me not you" has been the usual). But I think the key is that I am OUT before it gets nasty. At the same time, I still can't quite comprehend wanting to hurt, or wanting revenge against, or having such hate and vitriol for someone I "loved" or deeply cared about. I think that you`re out before you have invested too much, not before it gets nasty. It`s this that makes people so hurt, angry, hateful and out seeking revenge on their ex partners, because their investment didnt pay any `dividends`. Most people don`t realize how great of an investment being in a relationship is, even when they do so unknowingly. It`s measured in time, trust, tolerance, belief, emotions, money and much more. I always approached relationships with `how much i can give` rather than `how much i can take` mentality and that always pushed me to be the last one left fighting even after the fact. I`m certainly not saying that you are wrong or that i`m right. But i think that not investing is equally as bad as investing too much. Balance is key and what most are missing (myself included). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mcjordan Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I had 2 VERY painful ones, but they weren't messy. One of them ended because of his betrayal, and it hurt like crushing death.....but I just couldn't bear to make it messy. It already hurt enough. And I didn't want to be "the crazy woman." The other was hard because he wouldn't let go. He didn't love me,didn't WANT me, but liked having me in his life. So of course I was supposed to stay and remain miserable. When I love, I love 1000%. But I'm not begging anyone to stick around. I guess it's a pride thing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Believe me you don't want one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I think that you`re out before you have invested too much, not before it gets nasty. It`s this that makes people so hurt, angry, hateful and out seeking revenge on their ex partners, because their investment didnt pay any `dividends`. I like this analogy but I think a slightly more apt comparison would be the housing market collapse of 2008. It's not just watching a stock perform poorly, it's watching your entire nestegg crumble and disintegrate before your very eyes. Leaving you of course with nothing. That said I only personally went thru that once very early in life, and my reaction was dismay, not rage. Like I went underwater on my mortgage and the bank never told me. :-/ I think the rage and revenge games - when they're motivated by perceived romantic wrongdoing and not actual legit wrongdoing - come from immaturity to some extent and also some amount if self-loathing at having been so stupid, as it often appears after the fact. Then of course there's that special brand of hatred that long-married couples can sometimes develop for each other but I think that's different than what we're talking about here. Link to post Share on other sites
JuanDelToro Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I think the rage and revenge games - when they're motivated by perceived romantic wrongdoing and not actual legit wrongdoing - come from immaturity to some extent and also some amount if self-loathing at having been so stupid, as it often appears after the fact. Then of course there's that special brand of hatred that long-married couples can sometimes develop for each other but I think that's different than what we're talking about here. Of course it comes from immaturity, i take this as a fact actually, getting involved with the wrong people and prolong a relationship with them it`s a clear tell sign of immaturity that subsequently enables and nurtures negative sentiments after the relationship ends. This is an one-way road to maturity though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I've had both. Never had the revenge thing though. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 (edited) People process life experiences differently....Relationships are no different... Some people can walk away from a relationship as easy as taking out the trash..Others become more emotionally invested...Then it becomes a completely different animal... I've always felt life is probably much easier for the folks that aren't as governed by these emotions...They seem to move on without much care, regret, guilt, whatever... I even read that some people with personality disorders, like BPD, see life only in terms of black or white...Something doesn't "work" then they can act as if it never existed...Even with relationships...Simple as that...That type of stuff is mind boggling to me... I can't relate, unfortunately.... TFY Edited March 21, 2016 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 ^ I think the psychological impact can be wildly different in different circumstances for the same person. Depends a lot on how much they've invested I guess and in what way, as well as their psychological quirks and vulnerabilities, but the thing is they may not even be entirely aware of their investments. As an example, I've either known or been generally aware of a few ppl who at one point were flippant about relationships ending - whether they were the dumper or dumpee - but then a couple years later go thru legit emotional crisis for the same thing w/someone else. So effectively one minute laughing detachedly, the next crying in despair. Kinda ashamed to say I get some gratification from seeing ppl who dismiss the suffering of others unexpectedly go thru the meat grinder themselves. That particular come-uppance can swing back around and hit pretty damn hard. :-/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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