sadgurl Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Hi..I am hoping anyone can give me advice..I am 22 years old, me and my "guy" have been off and on for 5 years and all we do is fight. He is currently in Iraq and when we talk, we fight. for instance, today is valentine's day and all he could talk about what gettin drunk with his friends when he comes back. He plans on having this one night with everyone but me.. because if I went i'd ruin it cuz i get too jealous. Then when i tell him I'm hurt he gets all upset and says I don't need this **** from you, u bitching at me all the time I'm going to sleep...he's always threating me by sayin he won't call me for weeks or he'll sign off and not talk to me. I don't understand? I do everything for this guy..letters and packages and he's never happy and what i do is never enough. if i go out with my friends he gets all upset sayin i don't miss him and i'm goin on without him...PLEASE HELP. i am tired of crying all the time over this...i can't win when i tell him to call me he says YOU WONDER WHY I DON'T CALL YOU? he says its because i'm too damn quiet and i never say anything.... He is making our relationship confusing..sayin he doesn't want a committment but we love each other and we're not gonna sleep with anyone else? Then he talks about marriage and a family together...then he says he needs time to get 21 outta my system?? I am emotionally drained and i don't wanna cry anymore...but i love him so much....what can i do to save this? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Loving someone doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with them. If a relationship is emotionally draining you then you should really evaluate whether or not this relationship is healthy. From what you've shared, it doesn't appear to be. Do you really think you should salvage something that is detrimental to your happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
muffin Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 being in a relationship with someone should not be about crying all the time. Loving someone should never be at the expense of your own emotional health and sanity. Sometimes loving means letting go. A truly loving partner will want to encourage and build you up, not verbally abuse you, as this guy sounds like he is doing. While he is away on military leave would be a good time for you to begin to separate yourself from him. I wish I could offer some hope but trust me, I've dated a few emotionally and verbally abusive people and they are not worth the self doubt and pain and disappointment that they cause. They are selfish, immature people with issues they are too cowardly to face. Start changing your mindset now by telling yourself that you deserve to be talked to with respect and kindness. And you do. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Loving someone doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with them. If a relationship is emotionally draining you then you should really evaluate whether or not this relationship is healthy. From what you've shared, it doesn't appear to be. Do you really think you should salvage something that is detrimental to your happiness? Pocky, can you send this to my unhappily married 'friend' who broke MY HEART??? Your words, were my thoughts about my so called friend.... and should open anyone's eyes. I'll never understand why people return over and over to an unhappy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Sadgurl, loves is supposed to be beautiful. Its an experience like no other. If he is making you cry and emotionally drained, then it is not love. Walk away and if he really loves you, he will come to you and come correctly. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ Pocky, can you send this to my unhappily married 'friend' who broke MY HEART??? Your words, were my thoughts about my so called friend.... and should open anyone's eyes. I'll never understand why people return over and over to an unhappy relationship. Unfortunately, we've convinced ourselves that love is the cure all for bad relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Unfortunately, we've convinced ourselves that love is the cure all for bad relationships. that.... and some believe and hope they can 'change' their BF/GF/Spouse...into someone they want, instead of finding someone that already is. Link to post Share on other sites
xxxImaginaryloverxxx Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Listen hun. do u really think this is all worth it. the pain and heartache. i know u love him but u can find so much better. he is doing everything in his way to control u cause he knows ull take it. my honest opinion is to talk to him about it first and if he doesnt change tell him he hurts u do much and u cant go on with him.you reallly wanna live ur life scared and crying. its not right. u do wut u want. stand up for ur self. start threating him to hang up or sign off. give him a dose of his own medicine. a realationship isent a one way thing. its 2. its u and him. not just him. if its love it will come back and u will be together. but u cant be together and unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
sadgurl Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Thank you all for your replies...I know in a way it is emotional abuse..but there are really good times too..I just can't win with him though. At times he seems so sad and he tells me he needs me in his life because I keep him sane and he would have so many issues if I wasn't with him and he tells me he loves me with all his heart and says that no other guy could ever love me as he does. His love though it like a roller coaster and we fight all the time. I hate when he tells me I'm acting like a child or that he'll say I do things that set him offf..a tone, a phrase, a word or anything and he doesn't know why... he just says that he needs my love. I'm just so upset because there was a time I didn't talk to him for almost 6 months..then I called him back...and everything was great until he left for Iraq...he'll not call me or when he's online he won't talk to me because hes mad at me and I never even did anything!!! He says I have to wait a few more weeks cuz I went out with my friends instead of talk to him....why would he treat me this way? I don't understand...he's had an unstable family life but could that be the reason? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Sometimes people need to mind **** someone else to cover up their insecurities. Many of us have dated men and women that are like this. Unfortunately, this is something that is extremely difficult to change and I wouldn't even recommend anyone try that. Many times, the person that responds this way in a relationship doesn't even realize they're doing it. They easily justify their actions and will generally take no responsibility for what they're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
JoL Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Sadgurl, i was with a guy almost IDENTICAL in behaviour to your guy. He would "punish" me because i said something "wrong" or made him feel bad for something. He would tell me i was a horrible girlfriend and swear and call me names, threaten me...and then turn around and tell me how much he loves me and how he would do anything for me. They never change- if anything- they get worse. Much worse. It has been 2 months since my break up, and the more i remember things he did to me- the more humiliated and enraged i feel that i allowed someone to control my happiness. Your happiness is suffering here..you are miserable and always in tears (like i was a few months ago). You are left wondering what you did wrong. You are left feeling like you are going crazy trying to figure him out. You are constantly trying to make him happy but always failing. You are constantly sacrificing your own happiness for his. You are being controlled by him, even when he is miles away. You are being utterly emotionally abused. I feel for you, sadgurl. Because the way you described your situation, we could be the same person. You are unhappy..just because you love him is not a reason to stay with him. You might love him with all your heart, but if he hasnt got the respect and desire in his heart to treat you the way you deserve to be treated then you are in a dead-end situation. You need to stop this madness for the sake of your health and happiness. He is away, you can break it off and move on with ease. You deserve to be happy- whether that is single or in a relationship the key here is HAPPINESS..you are NOT happy at the moment. At all. Breaking up with my abuser was THE single best thing i ever did in that relationship. I have NOT regretted my decision for A SECOND. I loved him a great deal too. But he was making me MISERABLE. I am SO much happier without him, i can do what i like when i like. I dont need to constantly explain myself to an unstable and irrational person. His family problems may be a part of his abusive behaviour, most abusers go through some sort of childhood problem which can contribute to their instability. But this is NOT your problem. You only concern should be your happiness- which at the moment is being manipulated and controlled by an abuser. Please, walk away sooner rather than later. Your life will be miserable if you stay with him. It doesnt matter how hard you try, or how much you love him, he will not change his ways. If you want a life of misery and control..you will get it with him i'm afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
IceIceBaby Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 Sadgurl - I am in such a similar situation too. You should go check out my post in the Dating Forum. Some people gave some great advice and insight. But I know how it feels to be on an emotional roller coaster with someone. I use those exact words all the time in regards to my relationship with my boyfriend. I think in the end, it's their issue and unfortunately as the significant other you get to ride it with them. I guess you (and I) have to make the decision on whether we want to ride the roller coaster anymore. That's something that will take some serious thinking and can only be decided by you. Link to post Share on other sites
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