Trip with friends and a jealous boyfriend.

[karastra]

Hello, I'm Kara, 26yo,

 

I'm currently having problems with my boyfriend, I would be grateful to receive an advice to unlock te situation.

 

I was invited by a female friend of mine (she is 23yo) to join a trip organized but two of our colleagues at the university. The guys are 20 and 19 to and since right now there is a a semester break they are organizing a 10 days trip to Holland.

I don't know them too well, but I met my female friend few months ago and I really like her and the opportunity to do a trip with her.

One of the two guys lately is acting a bit weird, a possibility is that he is interested in having more then a friendship with me.

 

My boyfriend, 6years older then me, doesn't like the idea of me going for a long trip with two guys. He is aware that one of the two behaved a bit akward in a couple of occasions. I told him I'm not interested in him, that I understand that women in general can find him attractive, but that the fact that I'm cute is not a reason for me not to do a trip with a man that in "theory" could want from me something more.

 

He said that this type of trips, to holland during a vacation break, are mostly made for getting drunk and having "fun" and that is not the best to be put in certain situations. He says that just because from time to time I tent to drink too much (he helped me reaching home 2 or 3 times ).

 

I told him for me is just a matter of spending time with this female friend that I like a lot and the chance to visit new cities. He replies that is months that he is asking to do a trip and I always say that I have no money. He says also is not that I'm spending already a lot of time with my female friend and that we can organize any time a trip together with her if this is what I want.

 

The problem is also that one week ago my boyfriend father had major health problems and ended up in the hospital. My boyfriend went there to take care of him and got really stressed by the situation. During the same week he got pissed because I was partying for a couple of days and I called him drunk at 4 in the morning, while he had to sleep, because he had to go to the hospital early the next day (to his father).

 

For this reason he is asking to avoid discussions about a trip like this while he is still recovering from the shock of having his father in critical conditions.

 

I don't see why things like this should make me decide not to go, I cared a lot about him and the father even if I was doing my things and wasn't calling much.

 

We had a couple of fights about the trip. He said at the end that he felt he had to tell me about the disconfort he has in thinking about me away with this two guys, but that he also respects my decision and that I'm free to go. But I saw him really sad more then once, and this pisses me off a lot.

 

Maybe I should have comunicated with him better. Because I first told him the trip would have been shorter and that was just a trip with my female friend and boyfriends where not invited. Only after, I told him that this guy that likes me was driving the car, then I told him he was driving because he was from the same city where we are going and that was the reason he was joining us. But this wasn't true, I confused things.

 

Now I really want to do this trip, I think is going to be a lot of fun, I really like my friend and I don't want to miss this chance because of a jealous boyfriend.

 

Can you please suggest me what to do? Thanks!!!

[TaraMaiden2]

Break up.

He is 6 years older than you.

He's had his fun, he has since 'matured' and has 'big' issues to contend with.

 

The last thing he needs is a flighty girlfriend who frankly has more concern for her own interests than she has in supporting caring and being there for him, at a time when he is experiencing emotional trauma and upheaval.

But then again, you also have a life....

 

You guys are on different pages. You're still studying (I may be wrong, here); I expect he has left that type of lifestyle behind.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing.

There's nothing wrong with what he's doing.

The two lives are poles apart and don't mesh, that's all.

[d0nnivain]

You are an adult free to make your own decisions. If you want to go on this trip go. However, if you can't understand why your BF doesn't want you to travel with two guys who aren't him on what looks a lot more like an extended double date then a trip with your female friend, you aren't thinking clearly. You need to accept that the price for you going will be the end of your relationship. I wouldn't tolerate my SO doing something like this.

[basil67]

I think that if it was just a group of mates and nobody had feelings for each other, then he'd be over reacting somewhat. But going away with 2 guys and 2 girls where one of the guys has a thing for you is pushing the envelope somewhat. Add to that your history of poor decision making while drunk, I think your guy has a point.

 

Wanting to clarify one thing you wrote: I understand that your boyfriend has asked you to go away with him but you've never had any money for it. Is this correct?

[Imajerk17]

I side w your boyfriend on this. 2 girls 2 guys, foreign country, anything can happen. Even w initial disinterest on your part. That you already changed your story (paragraph near the bottom of your OP on your thread) just looks awfully suspicious. At the least it means that even you know that going on the trip isn't fair of you to your boyfriend.

 

1. Why don't you save your money to go on a trip w your boyfriend? You turn him down yet you said yes to your girlfriend and two random guys. Seems disrespectful of you.

 

2. Why can't you and your girlfriend go on a trip together just the two of you.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Imajerk17

[kgcolonel]

I agree with with an earlier poster here....you two are on different maturity levels. You are still learning who you are and he knows who he is and what he wants....unfortunately, this trip will cost you the relationship.....not saying you are wrong in going but...you have already lied about who was going, knowing that one of the guys has a thing for you is even more disconcerting.

 

Btw, does your gf have any feelings for the other guy going....if those two pair off, where will that leave you and the orbiter?

 

Your lying, misleading your bf etc tell me that you're nowhere ready to be in a committed relationship. Either grow up and become a true gf or break up and quit leading him on,,,,,,

[Poutrew]

I can't believe you are so completely naïve / gullible that you actually do not think the other guy doesn't want to have sex with you, or that you can handle it when he does give it the old 'college try'. So you go on this trip. Are you going to be totally truthful about what happens between you and the guy that is liking you? Are you going to tell your boyfriend that you got smashing drunk and wound up in the other mans bed? Really?

 

Because it will happen. When you get back with your boyfriend do you really think you are so good an actress that he will be totally fooled into believing you did nothing at night but read the bible? Look, the truth is you want to go on this trip more than you want to stay with your current boyfriend. So do the honorable, dignified thing and break up with him. Currently you still have both honor and dignity, but in 10 days time you will have neither..

[almond]

I think you've been treating your boyfriend like crap, and are not mature enough to be in a serious relationship.

 

Let him go so he can find someone who cares enough to support him while one of his parents may be dying, instead of going out partying and only calling drunk at 4am waking him up. Let him find someone that respects him enough while he's recovering from almost losing his father to not go on a trip with a guy that clearly wants to fk her. To add this level of stress to someone in such a vulnerable position is horrible.

 

Being young is no excuse for having such a shocking lack of empathy for someone you're supposed to care for and support. Plus, you're 26 years old - more than old enough to be able to see that your actions are hurtful.

 

He's asked you to go on trips and you've declined because of money issues. Now you can leave him while he needs your support to go off on a partying trip with a girl and two guys? Wow, this guy must feel really hurt right now

 

He's not a jealous boyfriend - you're a selfish girlfriend. If anything, he sounds like a bit of a doormat. Let him go, and don't get into another relationship until you grow up a bit and are capable of treating people with some respect.

Edited February 15, 2016 by almond

[Discjockey80]

Well, lets flip it around to illustrate the point another way that's been made by most of the posters thus far here....

 

How would you feel if your boyfriend did the same to you as you are doing to him now?

[elaine567]

I think you've been treating your boyfriend like crap, and are not mature enough to be in a serious relationship.

 

Let him go so he can find someone who cares enough to support him while one of his parents may be dying, instead of going out partying and only calling drunk at 4am waking him up. Let him find someone that respects him enough while he's recovering from almost losing his father to not go on a trip with a guy that clearly wants to fk her. To add this level of stress to someone in such a vulnerable position is horrible.

 

Being young is no excuse for having such a shocking lack of empathy for someone you're supposed to care for and support. Plus, you're 26 years old - more than old enough to be able to see that your actions are hurtful.

 

He's asked you to go on trips and you've declined because of money issues. Now you can leave him while he needs your support to go off on a partying trip with a girl and two guys? Wow, this guy must feel really hurt right now

 

He's not a jealous boyfriend - you're a selfish girlfriend. If anything, he sounds like a bit of a doormat. Let him go, and don't get into another relationship until you grow up a bit and are capable of treating people with some respect.

 

^^^^All of this.

Totally agree.

[sandylee1]

If my BF called drunk at 4am when I had a very ill parent ....I would be very hurt and angry..... and that's not the person I'd want to waste any more time with quite frankly.

 

You aren't mature enough for the type of relationship or to be the type of GF he wants.

 

I think you should just end this relationship. I'm actually agreeing with your BF on his views here.

[mikeylo]

I agree with everyone. He is not jealous. You are unreasonable and pointing fingers at him while being wrong all the way.

 

How about arranging a getaway for him with some of your female friends who like him, just as friends while you are away? Maybe just a weekend if not the same duration as yours ?

[TaraMaiden2]

I have a feeling the OP may be smarting under the onslaught and may not feel all that inclined to reply. It's possible she was seeking support and validation, but didn't foresee the backlash.

I'm sorry for that.

But I can't say that anyone here has responded incorrectly...

[jsmith92]

Like everyone else has said, your bf seems to be a lot more mature then you and with him being six years older thats not suprising. I would not be comfortable with my gf going away with 2 other guys, especially if i knew one of them was into her like the way one of the guys is into you.

 

His father is really ill and all you are doing is going out partying and planning trips without your boyfriend. It sounds like you both want different things and are at different stages in life.

 

You are intitled to go on trips but its the way you are going on about it, im same age as you and planning on travelling with my girlfriend and a few mates, not heading off somewhere with 2 other girls making my girlfriend feel uneasy and not caring what she thinks.

[Whoknew30]

This is why dating is dating. He had his fun & you're not ready to be settled...absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you like each other & want to be together but understand right now you want different things, that's ok.

 

You want to go on this trip, you go & have fun. If he doesn't like it, he's got the option to break up with you. You're not married & you're not pretending to be. If it doesn't work bc of a trip, than you know it wasn't the relationship for you. I think people forget dating is just that...dating. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Have fun!

[mikeylo]

This is why dating is dating. He had his fun & you're not ready to be settled...absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you like each other & want to be together but understand right now you want different things, that's ok.

 

You want to go on this trip, you go & have fun. If he doesn't like it, he's got the option to break up with you. You're not married & you're not pretending to be. If it doesn't work bc of a trip, than you know it wasn't the relationship for you. I think people forget dating is just that...dating. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Have fun!

 

The purpose of dating ? Just to get laid ? then maybe yes, its nothing more, nothing less. If long term relationship, then yes, these things matter unless you have no boundaries or respect for anything.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Break up.

He is 6 years older than you.

He's had his fun, he has since 'matured' and has 'big' issues to contend with.

 

 

 

While I don't doubt at all that this is the best course of action, why on earth is the OP allowing some dude who is six years younger than her to be the catalyst for such a break-up?

 

 

The guys on the would-be trip would have zero interest in being mere 'friends' with the OP were they not wanting to bang her. That much is an easy read, at least to the boyfriend.

 

 

The OP should choose between the trip, and the boyfriend and reveal her priority for all to learn.

[Whoknew30]

The purpose of dating ? Just to get laid ? then maybe yes, its nothing more, nothing less. If long term relationship, then yes, these things matter unless you have no boundaries or respect for anything.

 

Who said that was the purpose. The purpose of dating is to see what you like, not to tell others what to do. If you don't like something, get out. Her BF can leave, nothing is keeping him there. She likes him, she wants to do what she wants & she can, she's being honest. If his boundaries are crossed, he can say bye. If he doesn't, doesnt make her selfish.

[preraph]

I'm sure you probably wouldn't like it if your boyfriend did the same thing in reverse. However you are young and this is the time to not be tied down and to go and have fun. It seemed to me you were baiting him a little letting him know a guy who likes you is driving. I think maybe you enjoy his jealousy to a point. But in the end he did the right thing and said he didn't like it but do what you want. So that's what you do. Don't be surprised if down the road he doesn't choose to do something you will not like as well, though.

[road]

Hello, I'm Kara, 26yo,

 

I'm currently having problems with my boyfriend, I would be grateful to receive an advice to unlock te situation.

 

I was invited by a female friend of mine (she is 23yo) to join a trip organized but two of our colleagues at the university. The guys are 20 and 19 to and since right now there is a a semester break they are organizing a 10 days trip to Holland.

I don't know them too well, but I met my female friend few months ago and I really like her and the opportunity to do a trip with her.

One of the two guys lately is acting a bit weird, a possibility is that he is interested in having more then a friendship with me.

 

My boyfriend, 6years older then me, doesn't like the idea of me going for a long trip with two guys. He is aware that one of the two behaved a bit akward in a couple of occasions. I told him I'm not interested in him, that I understand that women in general can find him attractive, but that the fact that I'm cute is not a reason for me not to do a trip with a man that in "theory" could want from me something more.

 

He said that this type of trips, to holland during a vacation break, are mostly made for getting drunk and having "fun" and that is not the best to be put in certain situations. He says that just because from time to time I tent to drink too much (he helped me reaching home 2 or 3 times ).

 

I told him for me is just a matter of spending time with this female friend that I like a lot and the chance to visit new cities. He replies that is months that he is asking to do a trip and I always say that I have no money. He says also is not that I'm spending already a lot of time with my female friend and that we can organize any time a trip together with her if this is what I want.

 

The problem is also that one week ago my boyfriend father had major health problems and ended up in the hospital. My boyfriend went there to take care of him and got really stressed by the situation. During the same week he got pissed because I was partying for a couple of days and I called him drunk at 4 in the morning, while he had to sleep, because he had to go to the hospital early the next day (to his father).

 

For this reason he is asking to avoid discussions about a trip like this while he is still recovering from the shock of having his father in critical conditions.

 

I don't see why things like this should make me decide not to go, I cared a lot about him and the father even if I was doing my things and wasn't calling much.

 

We had a couple of fights about the trip. He said at the end that he felt he had to tell me about the disconfort he has in thinking about me away with this two guys, but that he also respects my decision and that I'm free to go. But I saw him really sad more then once, and this pisses me off a lot.

 

Maybe I should have comunicated with him better. Because I first told him the trip would have been shorter and that was just a trip with my female friend and boyfriends where not invited. Only after, I told him that this guy that likes me was driving the car, then I told him he was driving because he was from the same city where we are going and that was the reason he was joining us. But this wasn't true, I confused things.

 

Now I really want to do this trip, I think is going to be a lot of fun, I really like my friend and I don't want to miss this chance because of a jealous boyfriend.

 

Can you please suggest me what to do? Thanks!!!

 

 

 

Your BF's reaction to this trip is normal.

 

 

Also you have just destroyed any trust between the two of you will your numerous lies about this trip. Few days becomes 10, girls only, to including a man that wants to bag you, but he is there just to drive you there.

[TX-SC]

I would dump you for lying and for doing something you KNOW would make me jealous. End of story.