jsmith92 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I have been with my girlriend for 10 months now, was good friends for a couple years before we started dating. This is my third relationship, she knows that and she also knows the exact amount of girls i have slept with, i have told her but never really thought about asking her her number. But because she knows everything about me i dont feel i know everything about her, while we were talking earlier she said there are some things she dont want me knowing. I dont know how to feel about this, i feel like she is hiding something now and she should be able to talk to me about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 The Number makes people crazy. What are you going to do with the info when you get it? it is more probable that knowing the number will cause more harm then do good. If you know she is faithful & committed to you now, let it be. You can ask about health issues to make sure she has no STIs, has never been with somebody who has AIDS of HIV or had sex with IV drug users but beyond that enjoy the present. Forget about the past especially hers. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I have been with my girlriend for 10 months now, was good friends for a couple years before we started dating. This is my third relationship, she knows that and she also knows the exact amount of girls i have slept with, i have told her but never really thought about asking her her number. But because she knows everything about me i dont feel i know everything about her, while we were talking earlier she said there are some things she dont want me knowing. I dont know how to feel about this, i feel like she is hiding something now and she should be able to talk to me about anything. I don't think it's unfair to ask, but it may be unfair to expect an answer. I mean yes, ideally our partners feel safe enough to tell us anything, but sometimes it takes a while. What do you think she's hiding? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 It isnt the number i am bothered about, she has told me in the past it is under 10 so thats fine for me. Its just that she told me there is something she doesnt want me knowing, i am 100% honest and feel she is holding back sometning from me now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 I don't think it's unfair to ask, but it may be unfair to expect an answer. I mean yes, ideally our partners feel safe enough to tell us anything, but sometimes it takes a while. What do you think she's hiding? I have no idea, she lost her mum 3 years ago and said she went through a few years or not giving a ***** about what she was doing so i dont know if it will be anything serious or something she wouldnt want me knowing, just got me thinking now. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 . Its just that she told me there is something she doesnt want me knowing, i am 100% honest and feel she is holding back sometning from me now. What do you mean you feel she is holding back? She outright told you she is holding back! For her to tell you she has a secret she doesn't want you to know was incredibly stupid on her part. That's like saying don't think about the elephant in room. Now you are going to obsess about it. It will cause drama in your relationship & you are going to blow it out of proposition while your imagination runs wild. Ask her nicely to tell you because it's eating you alive. If she won't tell you, you then need to decide if you can let her keep her secret or you want to break up with her. What other choices do you have? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Puia Elarpie Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Just tell her how you feel...the feeling that you had,that seems she is holding something back! But tell her you don't mean to force her revealing it. But it just that you feel uneasy... #good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 Yeah thats it i dont want to like pressure her as it might be something bad however i would rather know and let her feel she can tell me anything. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I think 2 years +10 months is enough time in to reasonably expect that level of access. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 When i mentioned that i dont feel like i know her like she knows me as i tell her everything and she hasnt, she just said there is some things she doesnt feel comfortable talking about and that if i want to know then ask her best friend. I feel it must be quite a big deal if she cant tell me herself. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 When i mentioned that i dont feel like i know her like she knows me as i tell her everything and she hasnt, she just said there is some things she doesnt feel comfortable talking about and that if i want to know then ask her best friend. I feel it must be quite a big deal if she cant tell me herself. Hm ....this actually sounds to me like one of those melodramatic "I can never ever tell" things followed by a long-ass story where they tell everything the next day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 , she just said there is some things she doesnt feel comfortable talking about and that if i want to know then ask her best friend. So ask the best friend. Problem solved. I gotta say though how immature is this chick if she needs to put her BFF squarely in the middle of her relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 It came up again, she could tell it was on my mind so i explained that i thought like she was holding back something. Before i started seeing her she was seeing an old mutual friend of ours, it wasnt official it was just casual sex every now and then. This guy moved away and we didnt hear from him again. She just told me that he used to choke her and be very rough with her leaving her with bruises and make her pass out, it happend three times she said. She has told me she didnt enjoy it at all and she just let him do that as she thought they were going to be serious. Im not really sure what to make of it, i just said that she shouldnt hold anything from me anymore and that she can tell me anything like i do with her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 See it wasn't that big of a deal after all. What you should make of it is this woman has damaged self esteem. She has communications problems (hence her announcement that you shouldn't ask & then directive to ask the BFF). She has difficulty standing up for her self. Overall the only thing you should make of it is she is a flawed human being like everybody else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 You wanted to know and now you do. Looks like she was just building up the courage to share this private info with you - maybe she was genuinely worried about how you would react, given that it was a mutual friend of yours. I can't see there being anything wrong with that. One thing, though: only tell her she can tell you anything if you can actually handle and be cool with what she has to say. Not saying that you're not, but really you don't have to make anything of it - you wanted her to be open and she has. That should be the end of it, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 She sent me a long text earlier explaining that she has been treated quite badly in the past and being with me its the first time she has been happy with someone, im her first serious relationship. I havent made a big deal of it i said i will be there for her and she can talk to me about anything, i feel better that we have spoke about it i feel like she isnt holding back anymore now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 She sent me a long text earlier explaining that she has been treated quite badly in the past and being with me its the first time she has been happy with someone, im her first serious relationship. I havent made a big deal of it i said i will be there for her and she can talk to me about anything, i feel better that we have spoke about it i feel like she isnt holding back anymore now. I guess this detail from her past may also explain her lack of confidence in bed and her lack of confidence in general about how she looks mentioned in your other thread. Abused women often lack self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Yeah im starting to understand it all a bit more why she is how she is. I just want to know so i can help her where i can and make her feel comfortable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 You can make her feel comfortable by not pestering her, pressuring her or comparing her level of openness with yours. You decided to tell her everything because you believe in openness. For whatever reasons best known to herself, there was a level of openness she didn't want to go to. But that made you uneasy; suspicious, mistrusting. That made you offended that she wouldn't be as open with you, as you were with her. Openness is a privilege given, not a right for you to have. I hate to be blunt, but you're making too big an issue of this and you risk pushing her away. In your place, I'd frankly keep quiet now, make no more reference to it, and leave her be. In her shoes, I'd feel very Pee'd off with your attitude, and your level of mistrust (as I'd see it) would make me wary of being with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 You can make her feel comfortable by not pestering her, pressuring her or comparing her level of openness with yours. You decided to tell her everything because you believe in openness. For whatever reasons best known to herself, there was a level of openness she didn't want to go to. But that made you uneasy; suspicious, mistrusting. That made you offended that she would be as open with you, as you were with her. I hate to be blunt, but you're making too big an issue of this and you risk pushing her away. In your place, I'd frankly keep quiet now, make no more reference to it, and leave her be. In her shoes, I'd feel very Pee'd off with your attitude, and your level of mistrust (as I'd see it) would make me wary of being with you. She has now opened up and told the OP her secret. See #13 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I realise that. But how much of that came from her voluntarily - and how much did she feel obliged to tell him because it played on his mind and she could tell? He pressured her. Like it or not, deliberate or not, he pushed it. It put her in an untenable position. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 ....But seriously... I'd just let it go....I think a lot of guys think they want to know the past of their SO, but may not be prepared to deal with it, if it isn't exactly what they want to hear..... Sometimes its just better leaving stuff alone....If she isnt hassling you, then why hassle her? TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 You can make her feel comfortable by not pestering her, pressuring her or comparing her level of openness with yours. You decided to tell her everything because you believe in openness. For whatever reasons best known to herself, there was a level of openness she didn't want to go to. But that made you uneasy; suspicious, mistrusting. That made you offended that she wouldn't be as open with you, as you were with her. Openness is a privilege given, not a right for you to have. I hate to be blunt, but you're making too big an issue of this and you risk pushing her away. In your place, I'd frankly keep quiet now, make no more reference to it, and leave her be. In her shoes, I'd feel very Pee'd off with your attitude, and your level of mistrust (as I'd see it) would make me wary of being with you. Thankfully my gf is not as touchy as you. Every time i bring up a question on this forum there is someone that gets touchy. I have spoke to my gf about it and told her to be as comfortable with me as she can, you are overreacting 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 I realise that. But how much of that came from her voluntarily - and how much did she feel obliged to tell him because it played on his mind and she could tell? He pressured her. Like it or not, deliberate or not, he pushed it. It put her in an untenable position. I get that she found it difficult to talk to me about certain things but after speaking to her about it we are both glad we have and i now have an understanding of who she is and she feels like she has got it off her chest. Its not a big deal like you are making it out to be Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I get that she found it difficult to talk to me about certain things but after speaking to her about it we are both glad we have and i now have an understanding of who she is and she feels like she has got it off her chest. Its not a big deal like you are making it out to be Well, with respect - you're the one who started it by making it a big deal. If it hadn't bothered you so much, you wouldn't have posted. And if she had not finally 'come clean' - it would still be a 'big deal' to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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