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Girlfriend visiting male friends one-on-one at their houses?


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Is it perfectly ok for a girlfriend to visit male friends at their homes one on one?

I'm of the persuasion that one on one meetings in coffee shops during the day, or amongst a group of people in bars on an evening etc is perfectly fine...but I feel uncomfortable when my girlfriend visits a male friend who lives by himself and spends a couple of hours there supposedly chatting. What's the general concensus?

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Have they been friends for a long period? If so I would have no problem with it. It's 2016. It's common these days for girls and guys to be close friends with each other. I have quite a few female friends who I hang out one on one with. No feelings whatsoever. We just have been friends for years and grew up together.

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I would have annoyed me terribly (depends on which side of the world you are).

Knowing that my man is spending time with a woman alone (if she lives on her own) would make me uneasy. I won't be ok with the idea, but I'm fine if it's for a coffee or something.

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I wouldn't have a problem. I trust her. If she was to cheat on me simply because she had the opportunity to do so then what have we got anyway? Clearly she wasn't putting the same value on our relationship as I was. I don't want to be with a girl who only stays with me because I keep her away from other guys.

 

 

That said if it was the same guy and it was all the time I might start to feel like why are we together if she'd rather be spending her time with him?

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Either there is trust or there isn't. A lot of people are super insecure.

 

The idea that being alone with someone could lead to something...do you really think that about your partner? Doesn't sound like a strong relationship...

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Either there is trust or there isn't.

 

Eh, if only things were that simple. I do admire your ability to live in delusion of innocence, optimism and idealism though.

 

OP, do you trust that her male friends are not attracted to her, that they wouldn't phukk her even if they had the chance, that they wouldn't strategize to make her dissatisfied in order to get her panties off and into their bed... do you trust human nature to always do what's in YOUR best interest, or do you realize that we're all biologically wired to do the deed with opportunity being a huge factor?

 

This is not by any means a new revelation.

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I work in an office full of women and my best friends are all female.

 

I have a female friend who stays over night but thats in a separate room.

 

I wonder what people would think of that but we are friends only and nothing has ever happened.

 

It just depends on how mature you are and what your experience is. A lot of people are friends with the opposite sex.

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dreamingoftigers

When I read it in text I thought....."ehhhhhhh, maybe that's not such a great idea."

 

Then I recalled, I actually DO this.

 

And it is completely not a big deal at all.

 

Been married a decade in May and there are some make friends that I've visited and caught up with over the years at home. We chat, whatever, etc.

 

Last time I brought my daughter and she was just all over the place. LOL. So I might not bring her again until she's older.

 

I don't really think of any of them as being "GUYS I go hang out with." But more "people I've known for over a decade and we see how each other are."

 

One is my ex-boss from years ago working at the University. He was only a couple of years older than me so we connected more like friends, had the same kind of dogs etc. Knew the same people, discussed politics and career stuff. Mostly laughed together. After the contract was over we kept in touch and he lives in another town. So when I go to that area I'll stop by for a bit and we'll chat etc. My husband knows him fairly well. He came to our wedding etc. There's nothing "weird" about it. We've never had "tension" or whatever.

 

I think it just totally depends on the person.

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I wouldn't have a problem. I trust her. If she was to cheat on me simply because she had the opportunity to do so then what have we got anyway? Clearly she wasn't putting the same value on our relationship as I was. I don't want to be with a girl who only stays with me because I keep her away from other guys.

 

 

That said if it was the same guy and it was all the time I might start to feel like why are we together if she'd rather be spending her time with him?

 

Sure she could cheat on you at any time but don't make it easy for her. Would you give a car thief the keys to your car? Leave the front door open for a burglar?

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For me it would depend on the people involved. However, it doesn't seem like the best idea. If you are uncomfortable with it ask your SO to only meet with OSFs in public places when it's 1 on 1. That is surely an acceptable compromise. If you get a great deal of static or push back you have to ask yourself how important are you to your SO.

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dreamingoftigers
Eh, if only things were that simple. I do admire your ability to live in delusion of innocence, optimism and idealism though.

 

OP, do you trust that her male friends are not attracted to her, that they wouldn't phukk her even if they had the chance, that they wouldn't strategize to make her dissatisfied in order to get her panties off and into their bed... do you trust human nature to always do what's in YOUR best interest, or do you realize that we're all biologically wired to do the deed with opportunity being a huge factor?

 

This is not by any means a new revelation.

 

In my case this would be seriously laughable.

Seriously. Laughable.

 

I REALLY don't think that my friends are actually trying to get me to panty drop or really thinking about it in those moments.

 

I know that may sound very naive. But I'm also 33, and have been around the block more than a time or two. If any of them had some serious, deep-seated attraction to me, it must be damn deep-seated. Plus in all three ' off the top of my head' cases each had plenty of opportunity to pursue years ago had this been the case. I won't really add some of their statuses to the mix because of course a MM can be trying to do so or at least want to.

 

Nor do I think any of them are "waiting in the wings" for my husband to get smucked by a semi.

 

The ironic thing is that I would make a new make friend of this nature AT THIS AGE, because I think it would be a little more questionable. I find though, the friends we had/have when we are younger tend to be not about sexuality or such. And friends are generally in abundance during youth. The older we get, the almost more cynical we get about letting new people into our social groups. So yeah if my husband popped up tomorrow with a new "female special friend" I would look sideways at him. But his female friends that he had before we were together don't raise a flag.

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dreamingoftigers
Sure she could cheat on you at any time but don't make it easy for her. Would you give a car thief the keys to your car? Leave the front door open for a burglar?

 

What about leaving your car open to a prowler?

 

I do that. This guy goes through my car at least once a week. I take everything valuable out of it. But I don't lock the doors because my husband did that in our last neighbourhood and ended up with a smashed windshield and a smashed window.

 

A couple weeks ago he actually SAW the guy and the guy took off. We thought he would lay low. He still went through the car again. I just wish he would shut the glove box when he was done. Jackass.

 

We've considered leaving him a note or a snack. He might as well make it worth his time......

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There should be no reason why your girlfriend should be going over to a guys house alone - even if you know him. Sure every situation is different but I think in general that gives them the perfect setting for a romantic escapade if feelings start to change. How many times do romantic relationships just start out of nowhere? Usually they take time and those who are just friends now after spending lots of alone time together feelings can start to change. It happens ALL OF THE TIME.

 

My take is that should be off limits. She shouldn't be in a situation where she always has to explain what she did and you shouldn't have to be wondering what is going on. If she is dead set on cheating then yes it's going to happen anyways. But don't give her the keys to cheat.

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Friends, male and female are great to have, but once in a relationship, there has to be some adjustment to consider the other person in the relationship, their feelings and possible insecurities.

 

As a single person it is fine to have opposite sex friends, who may or may not find you attractive. If something happens and a spark unexpectedly ignites, Great! Something doesn't happen and you are just friends, that is OK too.

BUT when that spark ignites and you are attached then that may have consequences and people get hurt.

Salparadise is correct, people who cheat, may not go out of their way to cheat, but when opportunity presents itself, it is a very small step to then give in to temptation.

Trust can only go so far, as many here can testify, trust is no good if the partner has in their mind to cheat, or has poor will power in the face of tempting offers.

 

If the OP is sitting having nightmares about what she is getting up to with these men whilst she is visiting them at home, then that is no basis for a long term relationship, something has to change.

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What about leaving your car open to a prowler?

 

I do that. This guy goes through my car at least once a week. I take everything valuable out of it. But I don't lock the doors because my husband did that in our last neighbourhood and ended up with a smashed windshield and a smashed window.

 

A couple weeks ago he actually SAW the guy and the guy took off. We thought he would lay low. He still went through the car again. I just wish he would shut the glove box when he was done. Jackass.

 

We've considered leaving him a note or a snack. He might as well make it worth his time......

 

 

Oh my. Are you serious? When you do this you are letting intimidation win and that will only bring about other bad things. What I would do is get an alarm system that pages you when the car has been comprised - leave it unlocked at this point. When the pager goes off call the police and tell them you think your car is about to be stolen. You'll have about 20 officers respond within a couple minutes and take the prick to jail. I did just that. Had a bra on my car when I was young. Kept getting stolen. I rigged it up where if velcro was ripped off it would activate a sensor and page me. Not only did they get him they got the guys waiting in a car in the alley next door. It was priceless.

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Friends, male and female are great to have, but once in a relationship, there has to be some adjustment to consider the other person in the relationship, their feelings and possible insecurities.

 

As a single person it is fine to have opposite sex friends, who may or may not find you attractive. If something happens and a spark unexpectedly ignites, Great! Something doesn't happen and you are just friends, that is OK too.

BUT when that spark ignites and you are attached then that may have consequences and people get hurt.

Salparadise is correct, people who cheat, may not go out of their way to cheat, but when opportunity presents itself, it is a very small step to then give in to temptation.

Trust can only go so far, as many here can testify, trust is no good if the partner has in their mind to cheat, or has poor will power in the face of tempting offers.

 

If the OP is sitting having nightmares about what she is getting up to with these men whilst she is visiting them at home, then that is no basis for a long term relationship, something has to change.

 

 

Well said. What also plays into this is the self esteem of the women and their boundaries. If they have low self esteem and no boundaries whether they want it or not they could find themselves in a situation where they cannot control or get out of because of the weaknesses they may have. And if you have guy with a high ego against someone with a low ego he can easily get her into bed. Again - depends on the players involved but to avoid all of this it would be off limits for me.

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In my case this would be seriously laughable. Seriously. Laughable.

 

I REALLY don't think that my friends are actually trying to get me to panty drop or really thinking about it in those moments.

 

Of course it is. Women who are so inclined all say the same thing... zero chance that anything could possibly happen. And for some it may even be true. But others are adamant because they thrive on the opposite sex attention and validation. They'd give up their primary relationship before they'd cast off their fan club/orbiters. That's one scenario.

 

Another is that feelings between opposite sex friends can develop organically even if there is no intention and boundaries had been respected previously.

 

If you think men can be trusted just because a woman says she doesn't sense that he'd cross that boundary... well, that's just naive.

 

There was a thread on here before Christmas started by a man who found out his brother had been banging his wife during his entire sixteen year marriage. They had four children and he didn't know if they were his or his brother's.

 

It's one thing to be a woman and say, hey, this has to be false because I have men friends who I haven't banged [yet] and don't think I will, but quite another to be a man whose wife or girlfriend is protective of her private one-on-one hangout time with orbiters.

 

Or to be purely philosophical about it all... $hit happens.

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OP,

 

There is not right answers for what you ask. For some people that is normal and they would not have a problem with their partners having 1 to 1 in private settings with friends of the opposite sex and others like me would feel that this is not right.

It is about how do you feel about it and to set boundaries that protect both of you (your partner and you) and that protect your comfort feeling but it also could be that you guys are actually not compatible if you can't agree on a set of boundaries that fits the needs of the two of you.

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Sure she could cheat on you at any time but don't make it easy for her.

I'm not her dad, I'm not her headmaster, I'm a boyfriend. She's an adult and she can make her own decisions

 

The fact she chooses to be with me is brilliant. As long as she keeps choosing to be with me I'm the luckiest guy on the planet.

 

I love her very much. I think I'd really love to spend my whole life her, settle down the works. But whether she is my gf or she becomes my wife or mother of my children or whatever, I don't own her. I'll never own her. She's her own person, with her own free will and that's the way it should be.

 

More and more in society people become obsessed with proving their social worth to others by what they 'own'. Owning possessions, or other people.. Its so so fake. We don't own other people, we don't even really own possessions. Its a false sense of security.

 

I want her to be with me because she wants to be.

 

Would you give a car thief the keys to your car? Leave the front door open for a burglar?

1. In your examples I know these people are car thieves and burglars, they are not pretending to be anything different. Totally different to the OP's question where my gf is hypothetically going to meet supposed "friends" as opposed to "guys who are hopelessly in love with her"

2. My car and my home contain/are possessions. Although I still think us owning items is more theoretical than practical (They could be gone in a click of your fingers come flood or fire) nevertheless I wouldn't let some guy just take them away from me. After all they are objects. My gf is not an object, she has her own mind and she can choose for herself where she wants to be.

 

I used to live on a game reserve in Africa. My door didn't even have a lock. And I used to leave the keys in my truck for convenience and I case one of the other guys needed to borrow it. Its sad really that we call ourselves a developed country yet we have to keep everything under lock and key.

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I'm not her dad, I'm not her headmaster, I'm a boyfriend. She's an adult and she can make her own decisions

 

The fact she chooses to be with me is brilliant. As long as she keeps choosing to be with me I'm the luckiest guy on the planet.

 

I love her very much. I think I'd really love to spend my whole life her, settle down the works. But whether she is my gf or she becomes my wife or mother of my children or whatever, I don't own her. I'll never own her. She's her own person, with her own free will and that's the way it should be.

 

More and more in society people become obsessed with proving their social worth to others by what they 'own'. Owning possessions, or other people.. Its so so fake. We don't own other people, we don't even really own possessions. Its a false sense of security.

 

I want her to be with me because she wants to be.

 

 

1. In your examples I know these people are car thieves and burglars, they are not pretending to be anything different. Totally different to the OP's question where my gf is hypothetically going to meet supposed "friends" as opposed to "guys who are hopelessly in love with her"

2. My car and my home contain/are possessions. Although I still think us owning items is more theoretical than practical (They could be gone in a click of your fingers come flood or fire) nevertheless I wouldn't let some guy just take them away from me. After all they are objects. My gf is not an object, she has her own mind and she can choose for herself where she wants to be.

 

I used to live on a game reserve in Africa. My door didn't even have a lock. And I used to leave the keys in my truck for convenience and I case one of the other guys needed to borrow it. Its sad really that we call ourselves a developed country yet we have to keep everything under lock and key.

 

Nice sentiments but it's an imperfect world. Sure my girlfriend chooses to be with me, at the moment, but if she keeps putting herself into situations that increase the chance of infidelity (lots of daily texts to male friends, meeting them one on one and getting highly intoxicated on girls nights out etc) then she isn't exactly going out of her way to protect the relationship.

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Of course the details are germane to the individuals and the factors at play but at a high level, I trust my husband and do not mind if he spends time alone with the opposite sex. For goodness sake we both travel for work and at times it is one on one with the opposite sex. He gives me no reason to worry about him, we are both transparent with each other and always open with everything. Until I have a reason to worry I am not going to start borrowing trouble.

 

To each there own but I am not going to spend my life being afraid of all the potential bogeymen around every corner. Life is too short for that.

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Of course the details are germane to the individuals and the factors at play but at a high level, I trust my husband and do not mind if he spends time alone with the opposite sex. For goodness sake we both travel for work and at times it is one on one with the opposite sex. He gives me no reason to worry about him, we are both transparent with each other and always open with everything. Until I have a reason to worry I am not going to start borrowing trouble.

 

To each there own but I am not going to spend my life being afraid of all the potential bogeymen around every corner. Life is too short for that.

 

Normal work-related and social times spent with the opposite sex are different and in the case of work they're necessary...but is visiting these friends at their homes purely for pleasure absolutely A-ok?

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at the end of the day if your girlfriend wants to cheat she will do it anyway, the question is if you trust her or not. If you feel that she is stepping some boundaries and you don't feel comfortable I would guess that is because you have trust issues or she has given you reasons not to trust her...

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I really think it depends on the couple. I do this; I have a good male friend (who I just saw last night), who I used to work with, and at times it was easier to go to his place after work before either going home or to my ex's place. We spent a lot of time together, but my ex was fine with it. If he had had a female friend, I would've been fine with it, too.

 

I don't know, maybe I just don't know anyone like this, but I find the notion that a woman has orbiters or hangers-on that she keeps around to feed her ego to be quite cynical. I don't do this, I don't know any women who do this. I value the people I'm friends with because of who they are, not because of what they can do for me or because I get some empty validation from their attention. I would think that a woman who does this isn't a high-quality woman. If a man feels like he can't trust his gf/wife, that's a whole different issue.

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dreamingoftigers
Oh my. Are you serious? When you do this you are letting intimidation win and that will only bring about other bad things. What I would do is get an alarm system that pages you when the car has been comprised - leave it unlocked at this point. When the pager goes off call the police and tell them you think your car is about to be stolen. You'll have about 20 officers respond within a couple minutes and take the prick to jail. I did just that. Had a bra on my car when I was young. Kept getting stolen. I rigged it up where if velcro was ripped off it would activate a sensor and page me. Not only did they get him they got the guys waiting in a car in the alley next door. It was priceless.

 

I can't even tell you how much law enforcement actually sucks here.

 

A few years ago my house was broken into and my stuff stolen. We called the police and it was just about the most condescending experience I've ever had in my life.

 

Not only did they give us crap for calling them, they suggested that simply my dogs with no opposable thumbs had somehow unlocked and opened our front door, opened our gate and took off, somehow after getting their leashes on. And the torn screen they used to get in? We must not have noticed it. And my stolen stuff? Well ..... There's not actual evidence it was "stolen."

 

Yeah......

 

Just to make things even weirder, a neighbour of our down the street had our dogs. Another neighbour had dropped them off to her, fully leashed and with my jewellery. The neighbour that had dropped off my stuff had apparently been trying to impress her 16 year old daughter for quite some time. So here he shows up "rescuing" dogs and with some pretty things he'd like her to have.

 

So.....we call police again saying "look these neighbours have our stuff and this idiot that lives onnthe other side of us dropped in off to them."

 

So they come, interview the guy and say "he SAVED your dogs from running around and now you are trying to get him in trouble. Who's to say the girl wasn't given the jewellery." ( FFS)

 

About a month later:

 

Idiot-stick shows up at our door apologizing for having ripped the screen, taken my things and walking out with the dogs to impress the girl. And did we mind putting in a good word with the girl?

 

FFS. I can only imagine police saying a car prowler "thought he left his wallet in there and was only trying to retrieve it."

 

We've called in car prowlings and vandalism (provable, oh so provable) so many times in this area, they just don't care. It's easier for me to just leave the damn door open if there isn't a spot on front of the windows of the other house (he won't prowl that spot.) I don't feel "intimidated" by it. Or "threatened" especially since he just took off. It honestly strikes me as more of a compulsion than anything. I think he is looking for identity documents actually, and we dont even receive mail here. Nor has he ever caused any damage. I feel more annoyed when he's moved stuff or not shut the glovebox.

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