Arieswoman Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Surferchic asked a question in another thread so I thought I'd start a new thread to stop going off-topic. The question was concerning failed marriages; "So, to who or what do we attribute the outcome...? " Feel free to comment, folks. Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) This is just one man's opinion, and I've never been married, but it's all the same to me. In my opinion, it's modern love. I think a lot of modern relationships are built on shallow grounds and superficiality. People get into relationships for the wrong reasons. Connections and bonds aren't as strong. There is a lack of faith and a lack of devotion. The first sign of trouble, they run. They don't want to put in a great deal of effort, so they just jump from person to person when times get hard...and they ALWAYS get hard at some point within relationships. There is a Led Zeppelin song. "The Rain Song". Which describes this perfectly. It forms an analogy that love and relationships are just like the seasons and the weather. There's good and bad and ups and downs. It's not always summer in a relationship. You have to face the winters too. In the end, all our relationships have to deal with some rain from time to time. True love and good hearts will gladly accept it and use it to make the relationship stronger. The problem is, too many people don't want to deal with the rain. So they run from it and search for sunny skies. Edited February 11, 2016 by The Poster 11 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Just to expand a little more. I think some people are scared of differences in relationships. I think differences are GOOD things. They allow you to grow and see things from another point of view. They keep things interesting. Just to be clear, I'm not saying every relationship is like this, or that any serious relationship or marriage can't end. Of course there are times when it's just not meant to be, but in general, I do feel like people give up way too easily. They don't want to deal with the work or expansion, so they leave for greener grass. As we have come to know though, the grass is greenest where you water it. That's just my opinion though. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 How long is a piece of string? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fenix Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I think there are many reasons why marriages fail but I think the next three reasons would comprise the vast majority of them: 1- People's poor judgment, thinking that a person is the perfect match for you doesn't necessarily becomes true and there are lots of people who settle for less of what they find indispensable in a relationship hoping that the other person will change ... and most of the times that change never comes... Understanding yourself is key to understand who would perfectly fit with you. This self awareness though is difficult to find. 2- People change/evolve, if the persons in a marriage evolve in the contrary direction the crass is unavoidable. Successful marriages are often those who align every single step in the way and adapt to the changes of the other person. 3- Tolerance and acceptance of other people's mistakes. We humans are totally different ones from another and those differences become very annoying when you need to live under the same roof for a long period of time. The capacity to tolerate those differences and mistakes will test the resilience of the relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 The concise version... unmet expectations turn into resentment. The key to success... don't let that happen. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Just to expand a little more. I think some people are scared of differences in relationships. I think differences are GOOD things. They allow you to grow and see things from another point of view. They keep things interesting. I also think, here are a lot of "narcissistic" people around in modern life. NOT full blown narcissists necessarily but people who have a very high opinion of themselves, people who take themselves very seriously and who do not want their own ego threatened. So they choose people who are like them, same hobbies, same outlook, same everything, to bolster themselves up. Differences then mean conflict. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
servizot Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I think it's because there's no respect for each other like before. My parents have been married for 32 years and still going strong and I am not saying they have not been into any fights.. Nowadays, couples are less keen to make the effort to make things work, they move pretty fast and prefer to quit the relationship rather than mend it. Seems like we're becoming impatient. *just got married myself after knowing hubby for 5 years. We've been friends and colleague before getting together. Hope it lasts (like my parents) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 The question was concerning failed marriages; "So, to who or what do we attribute the outcome...? " . "Me" attitude, as opposed to "we" 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Poor communication and conflict avoidance. Which pretty quickly turns into resentment and contempt. Being disappointed in how things have turned out and rather than turning the beat around, blaming your spouse for your discontent. Projecting your disappointments onto your spouse so you don't have to deal. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 The question simply cannot be answered in any general sense. Tolstoy said it best in Anna Karenina: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I agree with everything posted so far! I also might add complacency. It's that whole mentality that after you put a ring on it, everyone stops trying. Relationships take work and effort ALL THE TIME. People get so freaked out by the word "work" as if to say that it's another hideous project or something you begrudgingly do as fast as you can so you can get back to watching TV in your underwear. It's something you WANT to do because you care about the other person's happiness. It's about still courting your partner even after 5,10,20 even 50 years of marriage. Making time, making sacrifices, making each other and your relationship a priority. If doing things to keep your relationship alive and happy feels like hard work then perhaps you shouldn't have married in the first place. NEVER take your partner for granted. EVER. Just my two-cents...which is more like one cent given the sh*tty CDN dollar right now 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 People can afford to leave. That's why. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I also think, here are a lot of "narcissistic" people around in modern life. NOT full blown narcissists necessarily but people who have a very high opinion of themselves, people who take themselves very seriously and who do not want their own ego threatened. So they choose people who are like them, same hobbies, same outlook, same everything, to bolster themselves up. Differences then mean conflict. In my opinion, the best relationships tend to have a good balance of similarities and differences. Similarities give you a ground to build on and differences give you something to grow into each other with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
surferchic Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) Awesome thread arieswoman. Where do I start...I agree with so much posted here. Firstly, in response to one postet who mentioned that this question can't be answered in a general sense. That's absolutely right. I think that's why it's worth having an entire thread dedicated to this topic, to create some best practices or just to be aware of possible barriers. This dialog isn't had enough, in life... -->Yes, people can afford to leave. And I think there's more than one reason why people can afford to leave. If I have to choose between a wealthy yet emotionally abusive man, I will take a smaller house, car, purse, no vacation, etc because my sanity means so much to me. Some people can financially afford to leave. Some people leave because there's almost always someone else ready to take his/her place. Furthermore, people don't hold other people accountable as we should. If people would refuse to be with someone who's married then, less people would cheat and people would REALLY value their spouses more often than not. -->Another factor to be mindful of is that all of us were once children ...yep! Children are like sponges. When they look around and see unresolved discord, abuse, infidelity, etc they have little positive behavior to draw from. When a man leaves the home and abandons a little girl, that girl grows up to be a broken woman who may not nuture herself as she should. And much less, her male counterparts or husband (John Mayer said it best in his song, "Daughters").Why because subconsciously, the man who was supposed to love her unconditionally abandoned her. So she has no real sense of what healthy love feels/looks like, enough to put into practice. She may see men as only objects ...heck, she may see herself as only an object. Vice versa for men from homes where mothers abandon their families... The dynamic is so great that I don't think our society doesn't even realize the impact that a healthy home life can have on the outlook of relationships, marriage, crime and our entire world. --> instant gratification has become the norm. People have less and less self control. Why control ones self when there is always a needy woman or man waiting on the side... If couples decide to have open marriages, there seem to always be drama around that ideal. (Another topic/thread). No one individual has all the solutions but all this feedback is helpful because of the dialogue... Gotta start somewhere... Edited February 12, 2016 by surferchic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 - Proximity breeds contempt - Love is all you need ->we love ourselves more Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 How often do people actively make an effort to appreciate each other? (Not nearly as much as they should, I suspect.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 -illness -poor or no healthy communication skills -blinders -joint aspirations desinagrate(sp?) -wandering eye or other apendage -ages out -unhealthy examples during early years(childhood) -secrets -location -unrealistic expectations -stringent rules -unclear boundaries I'm sure there are more ... just some that I have observed thru time and online here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Getting married for the wrong reason, and then - later - realising that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Because everything, without exception, has a beginning, a middle and an end. There is nothing on this planet - or elsewhere - where this is not the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Why do marriages fail?. Unrealistic expectations Not discussing expectations before marriage Financial pressures Poor communication Conflict avoidance Marrying too young without sufficient maturity Dishonesty..people entering a marriage already being unfaithful Inability to compromise Failure to take marriage seriously......seeing an easy get out with divorce Loosing the emotional connection Taking each other for granted Not really knowing your spouse properly to begin with 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arieswoman Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 This is an interesting thread and I thank all who responded. Now I'm going to turn this around and look at it from the other point of view. Should we really be amazed at how many marriages actually succeed? Marriage is a challenge. You take two people with different personalities, hopes, aspirations, careers, temperaments and life experiences and ask them to live together in harmony. Each spouse needs to try and satisfy most of their needs within the marriage while allowing the other party to do the same. Then both have to find a way to satisfy their other needs outside the marriage in a way that doesn't threaten the marriage. Each needs to find a way to grow and develop as a person while allowing the other to do the same. At the same time both need to support each other and keep the marriage moving forward and not stagnating. It's a continual balancing act. Throw into the mix life events such as kids, bereavements, redundancy, illness, problems with in-laws, awkward neighbours, other hurdles and it's a wonder so many couples can stay on an even keel. So perhaps we should celebrate those marriages that do succeed rather than decry those that fail? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Indeed. .. We need to celebrate successful marriages. I think if people enter marriage with their eyes wide open...don't just focus on the wedding....but the marriage...and see it as them against all others ...they'll do ok. I deliver marriage preparation courses and these are the things we focus on. Too many people don't discuss key issues before marriage. A lot of their issues also come from their family backgrounds. Some kids were abandoned by one parent or they had parents who never showed love..or parents cheating....they learn these behaviours. Some of the engaged couples have given examples of how the marriage they saw almost put them of ever getting married. A lot of people just don't take marriage seriously enough ....including those who intercept in other people's marriage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arieswoman Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 Kudos to you sandylee1, you are providing a very valuable service. Getting married is the second most important decision anyone can make in their life (having a child is the first IMO) and yet there is so little "training" available for either. I believe the Roman Catholic Church does pre-marriage counselling but I don't know of any other. IMO there should be other (secular) courses available. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I'm not sure marriage prep classes are the answer. Before my first M, we discussed all those "big" questions, and agreed pretty well on everything. We knew all the theory. We could have aced a class, or an exam. But the marriage ended pretty anyway. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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