20 years and the wheels starting to fall off the wagon.

[expathusband]

After being married for nearly twenty years, I feel my marriage is slowly falling apart. Most of this time has been spent working overseas and we have had two children in the process and travelled and worked in some wonderful places.

 

We have been in our current overseas posting for 10 years and we are really settled into the way of life but now I feel my wife getting more and more distant to my efforts in the relationship and family life.

 

My wife currently works occasionally part time and concentrates on the kids schooling and activities and her social day time life. I currently work full time and have a secondary business start up in progress.

 

Yes I do work a 50 hour week, but come 5.30 I am out of the office and home by 6 and no further work contact until I start the following day. Weekends are spent with the family, running them around, cooking for them and generally enjoying the weekends.

 

But I feel with all my efforts I am being taken for granted more and more. When I try and discuss these issues I get labelled as being too sensitive or pathetic. If I raise an issue, it quickly turns into an argument and usually ends up with being my fault.

 

A few examples..

• Last week I spent all afternoon preparing and cooking a dinner for her friends to celebrate a sporting event they did together. Afterwards not a word of thanks. (BTW I cook every weekend!)

 

• No conversation during the day. I will send a message or phone at lunchtime to see if everyone ok. But if I don’t start the conversation there will be nothing until I get home.

 

• On Fathers day last year, no card, no gift, no effort. I don’t expect expensive gifts just some show of appreciation; a card and a pair of socks would suffice! ( Am I delusional expecting some appreciation? )

 

• In the summer my wife and kids will return home for 4 weeks without me to visit family. All the contact is one way (from me to them), it feels like out of sight out of mind. If I join them for a week then I become the taxi driver fulltime again and it becomes a busmans holiday not a vacation.

 

• The other night I arranged an evening out at the cinema to watch a film she had told me she wanted to see. ( I listen! ) We went out, and according to her facebook update we were at the cinema “Making expathusband watch a film…” . On the short drive home no conversation, she was buried in her social media. When I ask if she really enjoyed the evening a big argument ensued of how I ruined the evening. I mean who is making ME watch this film, OK its not exactly my type of film, but I listened to what she wanted to see, I bought the tickets and I took my wife out for an evening on our own to watch a film she wanted to see! A thank you after the movie would of sufficed.

 

I know these points may sound a bit pathetic, but I find these small issues mount up and I then to get in a mood and upset. Maybe when the kids were younger our lives were more hectic and I wouldn’t notice these issues, but as they are getting older and we slowly get more time together, the apparent incidence of trivial events seems to increase?

 

I dont really have any friends that I can discuss these issues or problems with and I am obviously useless at discussing them with my wife.

 

I just want after work, some one to ask me how my day was. An out of the blue message asking how I am! Some appreciation.

Looking for any advice.

[Ragnar1984]

My friend, I am sorry for your dilemma. Reading your issues you are certainly not being pathetic at all. It just sounds that you need to shake things up a little, maybe not just at home, but in your own life as well. You say that you don't any friends? Okay, well why not start making time for yourself then. Instead of just rushing home every night after work maybe start going to the gym, take dance lessons, train in karate. You must have interests, which could enable you to get you away for an evening or two in the week, giving you the opportunity to meet new people, make new friends. It will give you some time for yourself and also your wife. Maybe she feels smothered or that she can't get any time for herself as if she isn't with the children, or working, then she has to give you the attention that you feel that you are lacking. Maybe a little time like this could work wonders as you will be doing something just for you, and she will have a little down time for herself.

In regards to some of the comments you have made there seems to be little respect from both your children and your wife. It doesn't take a great effort to say 'thank you' and celebrate dates like Father's Day. But is it one way? Do you equally make the effort for her on Birthdays and remember your manners. I'm not suggesting you're not, but relationships are a two way thing.

One point I would like to mention is this lack of recognition. Are you being a little unreasonable? Sometimes in relationships people do things for one another, without the expectation of a pat on the back or being thanked left, right and centre. Partners make an effort because they want too. Are you maybe expecting a little too much gratitude for your efforts. You don't want to partake on family holidays, because you feel like a taxi driver. Sorry to break it to you, my friend, but that is part and parcel of having a family. I have children, and know, like all parents do, that you end up driving them all over whilst they are young. That is what you sign up for when you have a family. No holiday with children is relaxing and easy. It can be just as hard as being at the workplace, constantly having to make sure the children are happy, safe and keeping out of mischief. So in that respect, welcome to the real world! The fact that you are staying at home, whilst your wife does this journey, alone, with the children, must leave a sour taste in her mouth and possibly the relatives that they are visiting. By choosing not to make that effort you are setting yourself up to be a fall guy/villain, and in many ways I would be a little angry if my better half told me that she couldn't be bothered to visit family, and that I would be going by myself with the children. If there is a rift in your marriage, then your decision in that aspect would not be helping, regardless of how you feel.

Also in regards to the conversation. It isn't nice being ignored. One of the worst feelings in the world. It must be a horrible house to live in when there is nothing but complete silence around the dinner table. Again though, ask yourself. 'Am I really making an effort to engage with my family'. Yes you cook, you're a taxi and take your wife to the pictures. But then again a paid butler could do all of those things. The question is, are you there on an emotional level? Do you go out of your way to understand her day or feelings, or are you just too busy getting upset because nobody says 'thank-you'. Manners cost nothing, and there is never any excuse for not using them, but you seem to be demanding respect here, and for that to happen you need to equally give that same respect to your wife and family. Stop seeing everything so black and white in terms of 'I do this, 'I do that'. That is what family life is. Doing things for others, even if it is a pain in the arse or you're too tired from a day at work. Your wife works hard too, I assume. Does she get the praise that you clearly crave? It's a two way street here. You should do it because you want to do it! If not, then that is something that you need to address.

 

The only advice I can give, or anyone for that matter, is to simply talk to your wife. Get a friend or family member to take the children out, then just simply sit and talk to your wife. Express your concerns and how it is that you are feeling. Be honest about how you feel, but also prepare to eat a few home truths as well, as your wife may have a different opinion to your own. Keep things calm. If things escalate, hurtful things can be said, in anger that can be hard to forget once spoken. That is why you should keep the discussion at home and not on a public dinner date. This is a serious issue that shouldn't be dissected over lobster with a full audience in close proximity. Just say what you have to say, and also be prepared to listen as well. None of us are perfect, so you may have to be prepared to give ground on certain things, but nothing is going to resolve itself if you don't do the decent thing and face the problem head on, instead of just having it fester on in the background. If you are feeling like ****, then more likely then not your wife will be too. And what impact is this having on your children? Communication is key here. It could all be something so simple like she feels you are putting work before the family. You are never going to know until you ask, but one thing is for certain. You cannot carry on like this. This problem is like a ticking time bomb. The dissatisfaction that you and your wife are feeling will evolve into feelings of resentment, anger and possibly hatred if you just leave it. Then your relationship will be beyond repair, with little chance of things being amicable between you both. Even if you talk now and realise that the relationship needs to end, you can perhaps do it in a way that will allow you both to remain friends thus having a less negative impact on your children. One thing is for certain though. Things need to change, quickly.

 

You know what needs to be done my friend. Good luck.

Edited February 10, 2016 by Ragnar1984

[big dog]

I personally haven't had this problem but I know people who have. Many times it's the onset of clinical depression. Nothing's right...no matter what it is. Can't go anywhere without a fight starting...etc... I know one man that mostly lives in one end of the house and she lives in the other. Only way he can keep the peace. While that's an extreme case it's very much worth considering. And it can affect men as well as women. Also, you don't say your age but menopause can be a killer !! It can creep up on a woman without warning. Just a couple of things to consider. Good luck !

[Toodaloo]

There is a book called the five languages of love.

 

Try reading it and see if you can pin point things that may help.

 

When it gets like this it really is no fun at all but keep trying to talk to your wife. Perhaps suggest couples counselling.

[graybiker]

Perception is everything. The situation you describe sounds discouraging, to say the least. And it's totally accurate- exactly the way you perceive it. Please consider the possibility that some of your description is simply your point of view. With no other viewpoint, especially your wife's in this case, the only "witness" is you. Balanced testimony could yield a slightly different reality. Just some quick thoughts: Does living overseas contribute to your isolation due to culture and/or language barriers? Could this be a mid-life crisis?

 

Maybe you are taken for granted, and over-extended family-wise. It may sound risky or even selfish, but what if you withdrew a little? Gently- your motive should not be to "get her attention," or cause trauma. Just a little pull-back, like taking a weekend off from cooking to give you some time to relax, and some comfort. It sounds like you have precious little "me" time- and we all need it. It is not the intent, but a subtle change in your behavior could bring your wife more awareness of your devotion to the family.

 

Back to perception. Your wife has it, too. You have heard it before: "It's not just what you say, it's how you say it." How did you say it? You still have to communicate- it's not something you may give up on because you had some unpleasant reactions. Gently describe how you feel. Expect and welcome hearing how she feels. Bring a counselor into the mix if necessary. Only after fruitful conversation will you know what to do next. Writing to this forum shows you have the motivation to improve your marriage. I hope your effort results in the restored bond you are pining for.