How is the mistress viewed...?

[thespacey1]

Hello all. I have a relative who's married to a cheating husband. His infidelity is known by several family members from a reliable source, but no one feels like it's their place to tell her anything and she goes around acting extra bubbly and oblivious all the time. She admitted to one of his past infidelities over 20 years ago, but never discussed anything now. But it's like a pink elephant that pops up during most family gatherings. Her husband will be around briefly then get ghost, using some lame excuse.

 

•••>For almost 15-20+ years though, we've known her husband to have 2 of the same women/mistresses...To me that whole dynamic is amazing... She's he have no conscience?

 

This whole ideal saddens me because I'm not married yet and the more I see things like this, the less likely I believe in marriage.

 

•••>How do most men view mistresses, especially those mistresses who men keep around for such long periods of time? Men, do you respect these mistresses? Do you love them? Or is it just a mutual agreement where minimal feelings are attached...? Im sure each situation is different but overall, do you actually respect women who knowingly accept only part of a man who is has another woman as his priority?

[loveflower]

no idea how those men view their mistresses...

 

but definitely not to tell her, because she knows if she is not too stupid a person.

[burnt]

Well, I'm the first one to post. We shall all try to do our best to contribute to this intellectually deep discussion about the societal perception of mistresses in general as much as we can, presenting our own points of views based on our own experiences; we shall point out how immoral mistresses and cheating spouses are and all that jazz.

 

But...Oh… wait…

That's a lovely collection of relatives that have known of this woman being cheated on for two decades, but don't think it's 'their business' to tell her? But in the mean time they love 'socializing'.

 

And you are questioning HIS conscience ???

[thespacey1]

Well, I'm the first one to post. We shall all try to do our best to contribute to this intellectually deep discussion about the societal perception of mistresses in general as much as we can, presenting our own points of views based on our own experiences; we shall point out how immoral mistresses and cheating spouses are and all that jazz.

 

But...Oh… wait…

That's a lovely collection of relatives that have known of this woman being cheated on for two decades, but don't think it's 'their business' to tell her? But in the mean time they love 'socializing'.

 

And you are questioning HIS conscience ???

 

You know what,I actually understand your perspective. I feel the way you do, which is why I feel sad thinking about the situation .

 

But to shed some light on this situation and help you understand how some women are. My relative and several of the women in our family posed a hypothetical situation in conversation about whether we'd want someone to tell us or not if they knew our significant other was cheating. My relative's response was that she thinks people should basicly mind their business and not intervene. .... But the looks she gives him could cut like a knife. She is like a mother to me and I hate seeing her deal with this situation. But I feel like she chooses to be oblivious or ignore some things to maintain her lifestyle, which is better than most ....materiallistically speaking. Personally, I couldn't sacrifice my sanity for material things. But honestly, I believe this is her mentality.

 

Everybody is different... So before you judge someone's integrity next time you might want to dig deeper. I do have integrity... However, I just wonder if there's anything one can do once a person basically says " mind your own business" . But knowing her, she doesn't seem like the type of woman to take that b.s. from her husband...its so crazy...

[cocorico]

Hello all. I have a relative who's married to a cheating husband. His infidelity is known by several family members from a reliable source, but no one feels like it's their place to tell her anything and she goes around acting extra bubbly and oblivious all the time. She admitted to one of his past infidelities over 20 years ago, but never discussed anything now. But it's like a pink elephant that pops up during most family gatherings. Her husband will be around briefly then get ghost, using some lame excuse.

 

•••>For almost 15-20+ years though, we've known her husband to have 2 of the same women/mistresses...To me that whole dynamic is amazing... She's he have no conscience?

 

This whole ideal saddens me because I'm not married yet and the more I see things like this, the less likely I believe in marriage.

 

•••>How do most men view mistresses, especially those mistresses who men keep around for such long periods of time? Men, do you respect these mistresses? Do you love them? Or is it just a mutual agreement where minimal feelings are attached...? Im sure each situation is different but overall, do you actually respect women who knowingly accept only part of a man who is has another woman as his priority?

 

If by "mistress" you mean OW, then many do not "accept only part" of their SO, and many MM do not have the BW as their priority. Some MM treat their OW as their priority, and from your description it sounds as if he's treating his BW pretty shabbily, so quite possibly his OW is being treated as his priority.

 

In terms of how the MM views the OW - well, mine viewed me as the woman he loved and wanted to be with, so he dumped the BW and we've been M for many years now. Others, sometimes the OW gets dumped and the MM and BW reconcile. Sometimes the MM and BW stay together, but he MM still Yankees after the OW. There is no one size fits all.

[thespacey1]

If by "mistress" you mean OW, then many do not "accept only part" of their SO, and many MM do not have the BW as their priority. Some MM treat their OW as their priority, and from your description it sounds as if he's treating his BW pretty shabbily, so quite possibly his OW is being treated as his priority.

 

In terms of how the MM views the OW - well, mine viewed me as the woman he loved and wanted to be with, so he dumped the BW and we've been M for many years now. Others, sometimes the OW gets dumped and the MM and BW reconcile. Sometimes the MM and BW stay together, but he MM still Yankees after the OW. There is no one size fits all.

Thanks for your response.

 

Generally speaking does anyone respect marriages anymore? I'm referring to all parties involved... I would think that if a man cheated on his wife with me, then I have blatant information that he's more inclined to cheat on me with someone at any time.

 

Is there any high regard for the institution of marriage if people marry for a few years then hop to something else, etc... repeatedly.

[preraph]

Men who do that are just collectors. They don't want one relationship. They want different sex partners and they married a mild woman who would turn a blind eye to it. If they've had them all those years, they may love and respect them, but chances are they just say whatever it takes to keep it coming and enjoy the attention and variety. His wife has chosen to ignore it.

[Popsicle]

I think the men who leave their wives for the mistress, view the mistress as a priority. The men who don't leave their wives for the mistress, view the wife as a priority.

 

A man who has a mistress for 20 years views his wife as a priority, but he also doesn't want to give up the extra perks he is getting on the side from the OW.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Popsicle

[sandylee1]

Thanks for your response.

 

Generally speaking does anyone respect marriages anymore? I'm referring to all parties involved... I would think that if a man cheated on his wife with me, then I have blatant information that he's more inclined to cheat on me with someone at any time.

 

Is there any high regard for the institution of marriage if people marry for a few years then hop to something else, etc... repeatedly.

 

People with standards still respect marriage. Having someone with the same morals and values as you to begin with certainly helps.

 

A lot of people rush into it....without really knowing the person. Many cheating men and women saw lousy relationships growing up and those things have contributed to shaping who they are in later life.

 

Don't let what you've seen put you off. In my pre marriage training to engaged couples we discuss numerous areas of compatibility as well as the impact of infidelity. That's not to say it can never happen..but if you protect your marriage it's less likely to be an issue.

 

Some men and women cheat over and over..serial cheats in all relationships. I've come a lot of cheaters who get cheated on or cheat on the ExOW.... although the ex mistresses can be hyper vigilant knowing what he's capable of.

 

In regards to how the mistress is viewed it varies. Most see her as an escape..a bit of fun...but where she's been a mistress for that long..he clearly doesn't want her as a wife. If he did..he'd make it happen. No silly excuses of she won't let me divorce her. That's nonsense.

 

Others leave their wife..but then the mistress is no longer a mistress.

[thespacey1]

Men who do that are just collectors. They don't want one relationship. They want different sex partners and they married a mild woman who would turn a blind eye to it. If they've had them all those years, they may love and respect them, but chances are they just say whatever it takes to keep it coming and enjoy the attention and variety. His wife has chosen to ignore it.

 

I think you're right. I actually think so many women/men cost to ignore things. And since this is the case then why not just have open marriages?

 

Perhaps because people are ashamed to admit that they're are consenting to their partner having another lover/companion, etc.

[thespacey1]

People with standards still respect marriage. Having someone with the same morals and values as you to begin with certainly helps.

 

A lot of people rush into it....without really knowing the person. Many cheating men and women saw lousy relationships growing up and those things have contributed to shaping who they are in later life.

 

Don't let what you've seen put you off. In my pre marriage training to engaged couples we discuss numerous areas of compatibility as well as the impact of infidelity. That's not to say it can never happen..but if you protect your marriage it's less likely to be an issue.

 

Some men and women cheat over and over..serial cheats in all relationships. I've come a lot of cheaters who get cheated on or cheat on the ExOW.... although the ex mistresses can be hyper vigilant knowing what he's capable of.

 

In regards to how the mistress is viewed it varies. Most see her as an escape..a bit of fun...but where she's been a mistress for that long..he clearly doesn't want her as a wife. If he did..he'd make it happen. No silly excuses of she won't let me divorce her. That's nonsense.

 

Others leave their wife..but then the mistress is no longer a mistress.

 

Thank you... Excellent feedback. More people need to do pre-marriage counseling...

 

Question: what were you referring to when you mentioned "protecting" a marriage? Counseling, prayer, communication...?

[MJJean]

I think you're right. I actually think so many women/men cost to ignore things. And since this is the case then why not just have open marriages?

 

Perhaps because people are ashamed to admit that they're are consenting to their partner having another lover/companion, etc.

 

A couple can choose an open marriage and never tell anyone of their arrangement. Perhaps your female relative does have such an arrangement with her H, but doesn't want other people to know about it because she fears being judged or seen as less. Maybe those daggers she was staring were because she knows you guys know and is mad at him for not being discreet enough.

 

Those who are turning a blind eye are often willfully in denial because they don't want to face the reality of their spouses infidelity and feel obligated to make a decision. So, they keep their heads firmly in the sand. Agreeing to an open marriage is acknowledging the reality of the situation and the opposite of head in sand.

[sandylee1]

Thank you... Excellent feedback. More people need to do pre-marriage counseling...

 

Question: what were you referring to when you mentioned "protecting" a marriage? Counseling, prayer, communication...?

 

Your welcome.

 

Protecting it against third parties especially and realising when you need external help.

 

When things get difficult..you don't go and tell another man your husband is annoying you or vice versa. They will only use those points against your spouse and do their best to outdo him/her and lure you in. We all have our own minds..but you don't put temptation your way like that.

 

You don't have poor boundaries and allow close friendships with the opposite sex to develop......that turn into something deeper. Remaining emotionally connected so that you don't have another woman spewing nonsense about your husband being her soul mate.

 

It's about seeing your marriage as sacred.....

 

People go into marriage with different expectations..you need to discuss these things first.

 

Communication is also important. It's turning to each other and not letting outside parties influence your marriage. I tell engaged couples that allowing a third party in their marriage will cause enormous devastation and unlike other marital conflict...this is a path they don't want to go down.

 

I've kept in touch with a few of the couples and they say the pre marriage course really helped them and having directed some to an online infidelity forum..they swear they'll never do that to the other.

For the couples I'm in touch with.

 

If you share a faith.......that's a very strong foundation already.

[SoleMate]

The strong impression I get from the stories of longtime cheating MM is that their #1 priority is neither the wife or the OW(s)....it's the MM himself. Everybody else is just serving a need.

[Popsicle]

The strong impression I get from the stories of longtime cheating MM is that their #1 priority is neither the wife or the OW(s)....it's the MM himself. Everybody else is just serving a need.

 

Lol good point.

[Liam1]

I think the men who leave their wives for the mistress, view the mistress as a priority. The men who don't leave their wives for the mistress, view the wife as a priority.

 

A man who has a mistress for 20 years views his wife as a priority, but he also doesn't want to give up the extra perks he is getting on the side from the OW.

 

I agree with this, but I have to add that during the affair I was very glad I was not married to the OW.

 

In my case, and I speak only for me, I started to lose the infatuation fairly quickly.

 

I felt sorry for the OW's husband and began to see that I was no better than she was because I was doing the same thing to my wife, so I ended the affair.

 

My OW has had three affairs and one again, after I ended it with her.

 

The OW was my first affair, and I am not interested in ever going down that road again.

 

The affair made me see that I was married to a good woman and I stupidly put my marriage at risk for someone I did not even like.

[MissBee]

Well, I'm the first one to post. We shall all try to do our best to contribute to this intellectually deep discussion about the societal perception of mistresses in general as much as we can, presenting our own points of views based on our own experiences; we shall point out how immoral mistresses and cheating spouses are and all that jazz.

 

But...Oh… wait…

That's a lovely collection of relatives that have known of this woman being cheated on for two decades, but don't think it's 'their business' to tell her? But in the mean time they love 'socializing'.

 

And you are questioning HIS conscience ???

 

His conscience, since he's the married cheater, should be more disturbed than the relatives'.

 

Have you ever tried to tell a friend about their messed up relationship? I have....and believe me, it didn't turn out well, even though SHE asked my advice. She basically turned it around on me as saw me as a "hater" and from there I realized that you have to tread lightly in these matters, and also it depends on the temperament of the person and your closeness to them.

 

If ALL the relatives know, then this man isn't really doing a good job of hiding it, so the fact that his wife has admitted to his infidelity in the past and is oblivious now, may be her own coping mechanism. In the culture I'm from, that's often the case. Some women see the wife title and status as more important than the mistress/outside woman and so they turn a blind eye and would be upset if people brought it up, because often it's not ignorance but turning a blind eye and just living their life hoping to keep the status quo.

 

If it were me, I'd weigh it carefully before telling. I have no idea what the relatives know exactly and how, but that can be an awkward convo, esp if no proof is involved. In the case of abuse and so on I will not be silent, but in cheating cases, it depends on how close I am to the person and what proof I can show them as otherwise you may find that they don't believe you, think you're lying or forgive their spouse and then cut you off. So I cannot say that the relatives are "just as bad as him" because they're not choosing to insert themselves into the marriage. They could very well feel like the wife knows but is just trying to live blindly so they go along with it or have other reasons for it.

Edited February 8, 2016 by MissBee

[Whoknew30]

Well, I'm the first one to post. We shall all try to do our best to contribute to this intellectually deep discussion about the societal perception of mistresses in general as much as we can, presenting our own points of views based on our own experiences; we shall point out how immoral mistresses and cheating spouses are and all that jazz.

 

But...Oh… wait…

That's a lovely collection of relatives that have known of this woman being cheated on for two decades, but don't think it's 'their business' to tell her? But in the mean time they love 'socializing'.

 

And you are questioning HIS conscience ???

 

 

Please tell me how his choices are the other family members fault? I've never understood this logic, how just bc one knows something it turns into their fault?

 

So if you do something wrong & you tell someone, it then turns into their fault, going by your logic?

[thespacey1]

I agree that some people agree to this arrangement within the privacy of their relationship/marriage...And rightfully so.

 

I think this is the main reason some of us have chosen to maintain a hands off approach. It's really none of our business, especially because my relative puts on this happy go lucky air. She's very protective of her husband and acts as if she'll stomp on anyone who dares disrespect her husband. ...I don't get it, really. Maybe I'm just immature... But ....

 

To be even more transparent, her husband is most likely the only one of them taking advantage of the open arrangement. Trust me when I say that she is NOT taking advantage of any open relationship arrangement...

 

THAT... is what makes me so upset and want to intervene.

Edited February 9, 2016 by thespacey1

[Arieswoman]

thespacey1,

 

 

It seems you have several questions here;

 

 

1. The situation with your relative.

Don't get involved. It isn't your business. You aren't privy to the dynamics of their marriage. If it bothers you then distance yourself and don't socialise with them.

 

 

2. Do people respect marriage?

Yes they do and there are plenty of happily married people out there to prove it.

 

 

3. How is the mistress viewed?

Anything from opportunist predatory harpie, through to victim. It depends which thread you read on this site !

[thespacey1]

thespacey1,

 

 

It seems you have several questions here;

 

 

1. The situation with your relative.

Don't get involved. It isn't your business. You aren't privy to the dynamics of their marriage. If it bothers you then distance yourself and don't socialise with them.

 

 

2. Do people respect marriage?

Yes they do and there are plenty of happily married people out there to prove it.

 

 

3. How is the mistress viewed?

Anything from opportunist predatory harpie, through to victim. It depends which thread you read on this site !

 

Yep, you're right. I do have several questions. Thanks so much for your feedback.

 

I know that each relationship is different. I also know that life is real and no one is immune to infidelity or any other crazy possibilities.

 

Personally, witnessing the issue with my relative and the dynamics between my grandparents and my parents has given me little to use as a blue print. I'm trying to improve my relationships and stay positive, but the reality of relationships seems so blique sometimes. My next sentences probably start a completely new thread because my relationships tend to involve me being withholding and men always calling me cold or callous. I've had a stalker (ex) and men who don't know the difference between love and control.

 

I don't want to be alone forever. I also wonder how people can sacrifice their sanity or beliefs just to save face and keep up appearances. In that case I think I'd rather be alone... Or maybe I'll never really know until I'm forced to make such a decision. I just know I want to be 98%happily married whenever I do make those vows.

Edited February 9, 2016 by thespacey1

[Arieswoman]

thespacey1,

 

 

"I don't want to be alone forever"

Why would that be such a terrible situation? I know several single females who have useful, fulfilling, busy lives and are very happy.

 

 

"I also wonder how people can sacrifice their sanity or beliefs just to save face and keep up appearances."

I can't explain why some people would want to do that, but they do !

 

 

" I just know I want to be 98%happily married whenever I do make those vows. "

And so, I believe, does everyone who gets married.

 

 

Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way for multiple reasons, and often it's no-one's fault.

[thespacey1]

I don't mind being single. I just don't want to remain single for the rest of my life. I recently got out if a not so good engagement, do I'm thankful for my peace of mind right now. But I do not want to go through the rest of my life without a mate. Didn't meant I'm not "fine/ok" with the single life and being with myself, I just think it's totally fine also, to want a man to share my life with... A good/respectable man.

[thespacey1]

Please tell me how his choices are the other family members fault? I've never understood this logic, how just bc one knows something it turns into their fault?

 

So if you do something wrong & you tell someone, it then turns into their fault, going by your logic?

 

Exactly, thank you... I think that poster sees how much sense it doesn't make to hold other people accountable for such intervention.

[surferchic]

Most of my female friends and family who are married started off more naïve. They have now become more "open" or the other extreme, more hyper-vigelant...which can push a man away if nothing else.

 

It is sad that so many women are the ones constantly worried about the man stepping out...