Jump to content

Are people who engage in Affairs generally narcissitic and sociopathic?


Recommended Posts

So many threads on here where people talk about the messy affairs that end bad. I notice that these folk have a victim's mentality, "poor me" "I don't deserve to be hurting". "Why won't he/she leave BS for me" Yet having no sense of the pain and heartache they have caused others. Are these standard traits for people who engage in illicit affairs?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think its temporary and circumstantial behavior though, not necessarily their permanent character. You read alot of former waywards (the remorseful ones) or their BS say how unusual or out of character their behavior or decisions were. "I dont know what I was thinking" theyll say. Because they werent. I think they were acting from their unconcious reptilian brain. We all change and grow. I think most of all an A signifies a need for growth. A need they may not even be aware of until unfortunately its too late or at least has caused much pain and damage.Some will learn and grow from it some won't. But the need for health is still there.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

actually - true sociopathy (psychopathy) is RARE. narcissists are a little more common but they're still a minority.

 

adultery, on the other hand, is VERY common. so the answer to your questions -- no, people who engage in affairs are generally NOT socio/psycho/narcissists.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I may suffer from BPD, I've never been diagnosed but I'm smart enough to realize my delusions of grandeur and fear of abandonment have to be because of something. I know my affair partner was a sociopath but our story is very complicated.

 

There were ILY's, there was romance... And then a failed IUD and I was pregnant. AP ignored it, when baby came AP wanted to continue to screw me without acknowledging baby was in the room. AP detached 2 months into my pregnancy and continued to use me for sex and one other thing I could provide. When he no longer needed those two things, he took off. He ghosted me after 15 months and a child. He had psychological issues to just treat me like an object and to ignore a child he created - I have psychological issues because I accepted the crumbs because I didn't want to lose him. Even after everything he has done to me I STILL believe I won't meet a man better than him. Not due to the ****ty things he did, but because of how we were together. When else in my life am I going to meet an Ivy League educated professor that knows as much about music, movies, art that tells the type of jokes I do, that likes the type of fetishes I do, that had that type of sexual chemistry with me? But he hurt me. I went through a pregnancy alone, delivered a baby alone, and when he no longer wanted to screw me, he ghosted me. No goodbye at all, just poof because he is conflict avoidant.

 

I am hurting, yes. I was concerned with his wife but she knew. She knew and she stayed in the marriage. He spent a 2 month stretch of time living in hotels, every other night I was there. His wife knew this and she stayed. She chose not to leave, I don't think I'm sociopathic because I don't feel bad for her.. I know she stayed because he has money and she didn't want to disrupt her ability to do nothing with a limitless credit card. Maybe she is hurting? But if you knew your husband was cheating for over a year and continued to let it go on, something isn't right with you either.

 

Anyway.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think they were acting from their unconcious reptilian brain.

 

i disagree -- having an affair requires some solid, direct & very CONSCIOUS decisions... day after day, for a longer period of time. "i don't know what i was thinking" is an excuse to avoid deeper discussions, usually.

 

i also disagree about growth - an affair does a lot of damage with very little positive growth but that's one of those myths that we can only grow through pain and suffering.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
i disagree -- having an affair requires some solid, direct & very CONSCIOUS decisions... day after day, for a longer period of time. "i don't know what i was thinking" is an excuse to avoid deeper discussions, usually.

 

i also disagree about growth - an affair does a lot of damage with very little positive growth but that's one of those myths that we can only grow through pain and suffering.

 

pain and suffering are one way that we can grow definitely not the only way and definitely not the healthiest.having those deeper discussions that have been avoided is the better alternative. But affair partners typically lack the maturity or courage to grow in healthy ways

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
imperfectangel

I strongly disagree with lots of situations in life you can hurt others. **** happens. You can't live your life constantly considering everyone else's feelings or you'd never do anything

Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater
I strongly disagree with lots of situations in life you can hurt others. **** happens. You can't live your life constantly considering everyone else's feelings or you'd never do anything

 

 

Not exactly a great argument for cheaters not being narcissists or sociopaths.

 

 

That said, I think the majority simply have poor coping skills.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
imperfectangel
Not exactly a great argument for cheaters not being narcissists or sociopaths.

 

 

That said, I think the majority simply have poor coping skills.

 

Every decision you ever make impacts on others. If you lived your life never wanting to disappoint others you couldn't actually LIVE. I'm not saying it's good to hurt people at all but that it is part of life

Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater
Every decision you ever make impacts on others. If you lived your life never wanting to disappoint others you couldn't actually LIVE. I'm not saying it's good to hurt people at all but that it is part of life

 

 

Are we still talking about cheating on someone we've sworn to be true to, or what I plan to fix the family for dinner tonight?

Link to post
Share on other sites
imperfectangel
Are we still talking about cheating on someone we've sworn to be true to, or what I plan to fix the family for dinner tonight?

 

Hurting people is wrong BUT you can't stay wit someone just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. You only have one life and if hurting someone to be with another you love then that's your right to live your life and be happy

 

 

Cheating obviously isn't the way to go about that you should leave first but you would still be hurting someone

Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater
Hurting people is wrong BUT you can't stay wit someone just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. You only have one life and if hurting someone to be with another you love then that's your right to live your life and be happy

 

 

Cheating obviously isn't the way to go about that you should leave first but you would still be hurting someone

 

 

Maybe we can agree that some exits involve more integrity and honesty than others.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I strongly disagree with lots of situations in life you can hurt others. **** happens. You can't live your life constantly considering everyone else's feelings or you'd never do anything

 

you don't have to consider everyone else's feelings - you have to consider those your decisions WILL impact & that number is usually really small. you have to consider feelings of ONE (1) person when cheating; that doesn't really sound like such a hard job, yeah?

 

and i disagree with the "you hurt everyone" rationalization -- in reality, very few of our life situations can result in hurting someone else. and in those situations you absolutely can take a step back and think about your actions; people just choose not to because it's not the easiest thing in the world, no?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I personally think that most cheaters have very little self respect yet feel entitled to fulfill their selfish desires, I believe that most probably don't go into their affairs with the intention of hurting others (obviously there are exceptions) but convince themselves that they are clever enough to keep it on the down low telling themselves that what their SO doesn't know won't hurt them.

 

They get wrapped up in the excitement and thrill of the affair and don't stop to consider the potential negative consequences of their choice to cheat. It's also a fact that human beings are really bad at calculating odds. With even catastrophic consequences being minimized or ignored in their minds compared to the immediate satisfaction they get from the attention of the affair.

 

It's not until it all starts to unravel and they start experiencing the consequences for those choices that they begin to realize what their selfish choices caused. Then unsurprisingly people who have poor coping skills and low self respect try to deny, minimize, deflect and defend their actions, and engage in all the history rewriting, trickle truth, victim blaming and other behaviors that only serve to exacerbate the pain they cause their victims.

 

The problem that I see in this particular forum is that many of the cheaters coddle each other validating their behavior.

 

In a way I can understand it, no one likes to face the fact that they have behaved horribly so it is only natural to band together with others who share their experiences.

 

Also everyone tends to think that they are the special snowflake, that they are different from all the "bad" cheaters because reasons.. (s/he is my soul mate, my spouse didn't meet my needs, I fell our of love, I needed the excitement) of course the same lack of awareness that let them cheat in the first place prevents them from recognizing that their stories are all basically the same and that they aren't in fact special snowflakes.

 

 

In a lot of ways it just comes down to what one of my friends said about my wife's infidelity, "people **** up, it's what we do"

 

 

I also think that most cheaters don't really get that it's not the extramarital sex that causes the damage to their partner and relationship, it's all the behaviors that are required to enable it, the lying, the deception, the gas lighting, the disregard and disrespect that they showed to their partner.

 

But I don't think that most are narcissists or sociopaths, they are just emotionally stunted individuals who don't respect themselves enough to live authentic lives.

 

It's like I tell my wayward wife, I want her to figure out what is broken in her that allowed her to give herself permission, why she has so little sense of self worth that she needed to feel validated by the attention of other men. Even if the end result is for her to decide that our marriage isn't what she wants. I want her to be secure enough in herself to live an honest and ethical life.

 

It's why in the end my advice to every cheater is the same, figure out why they have so little respect for themselves that they put themselves into situations that they know are bad.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think I may suffer from BPD, I've never been diagnosed but I'm smart enough to realize my delusions of grandeur and fear of abandonment have to be because of something. I know my affair partner was a sociopath but our story is very complicated.

 

There were ILY's, there was romance... And then a failed IUD and I was pregnant. AP ignored it, when baby came AP wanted to continue to screw me without acknowledging baby was in the room. AP detached 2 months into my pregnancy and continued to use me for sex and one other thing I could provide. When he no longer needed those two things, he took off. He ghosted me after 15 months and a child. He had psychological issues to just treat me like an object and to ignore a child he created - I have psychological issues because I accepted the crumbs because I didn't want to lose him. Even after everything he has done to me I STILL believe I won't meet a man better than him. Not due to the ****ty things he did, but because of how we were together. When else in my life am I going to meet an Ivy League educated professor that knows as much about music, movies, art that tells the type of jokes I do, that likes the type of fetishes I do, that had that type of sexual chemistry with me? But he hurt me. I went through a pregnancy alone, delivered a baby alone, and when he no longer wanted to screw me, he ghosted me. No goodbye at all, just poof because he is conflict avoidant.

 

I am hurting, yes. I was concerned with his wife but she knew. She knew and she stayed in the marriage. He spent a 2 month stretch of time living in hotels, every other night I was there. His wife knew this and she stayed. She chose not to leave, I don't think I'm sociopathic because I don't feel bad for her.. I know she stayed because he has money and she didn't want to disrupt her ability to do nothing with a limitless credit card. Maybe she is hurting? But if you knew your husband was cheating for over a year and continued to let it go on, something isn't right with you either.

 

Anyway.

 

How do you know she only stayed for the money? Did she tell you herself? If not, then you cannot definitively say this.

 

You sound quite judgmental about his wife but...you continued to let him screw you (in more ways than one) after he ignored the birth of your child..so whatever you're judging her for, you should turn that spotlight on yourself as well.

 

You've been through a lot and I am sorry for your child that his/her father is such a scumbag, but you are a willing and equal participant in this mess..she is not.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

ALL people are generally narcissistic. There is no On/Off button for narcissistic traits, characteristics, or behaviors. They occur on a spectrum, like autism. Those who meet medical diagnostic standards (are on one extreme end of the spectrum) are diagnosable. The rest of us move up and down on the spectrum as we grow and as situations change. When I drank alcohol on a regular basis, I was likely much more narcissistic than I am now, although I have always been a caretaker.

 

Children are narcissistic. They have to be in order to survive. Does that make them bad? No. It makes them smart.

 

Males are much more narcissistic than females. They have difficulty seeing past themselves, their wants, their desires, their problems, etc. It often gets them into trouble.

 

Sociopathy (psychopathy) is a medical diagnosis and there are distinct qualifications a person must meet to be called sociopathic. Just because someone has an affair does not mean they are sociopaths. Sociopathy involves a complete absence of, or inability to feel, empathy, but in ALL situations. I can disregard someone else's feelings in a situation and be selfish, but that doesn't make me sociopathic. If I won the lottery and kept all the money for myself, but you wanted the money but I refused to give you any, despite the fact that you really needed it and told me so, does that make me a sociopath? You are using a medical diagnosis out of context. I wonder if you are using it in a judgmental way, the way AllabitJeremyKyle took it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
actually - true sociopathy (psychopathy) is RARE. narcissists are a little more common but they're still a minority.

 

adultery, on the other hand, is VERY common. so the answer to your questions -- no, people who engage in affairs are generally NOT socio/psycho/narcissists.

I think a lot is blamed on narcissim when actually people are just behaving badly.

 

I am neither and I'll bet the majority of people who post here aren't either.

I agree with mini.

 

Poppy.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
i disagree -- having an affair requires some solid, direct & very CONSCIOUS decisions... day after day, for a longer period of time. "i don't know what i was thinking" is an excuse to avoid deeper discussions, usually.

 

i also disagree about growth - an affair does a lot of damage with very little positive growth but that's one of those myths that we can only grow through pain and suffering.

Mini

The reptilian part of the brain is the centre pleasure.Sometimes the desire for the pleasure drives people to make those decisions.

 

Poppy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think a lot is blamed on narcissim when actually people are just behaving badly.

 

I am neither and I'll bet the majority of people who post here aren't either.

I agree with mini.

 

Poppy.

 

I agree..and I've never been in an affair! I've been cheated on though..I don't think my ex was a psychopath or a narcissist. I think he was just an asshat.

 

(Not saying all affair participants are inherently asshats..but he had other issues as well that added to the overtones of asshattishness.)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

As threads about other threads, or LoveShack.org members, are prohibited, I'll close this up.

 

Feel free to re-post about one's own interpersonal relationship issues related to affairs and/or psychological conditions or disorders. Thanks!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...