Girlfriend still maintains good friendship with her ex. Should it bother me?

[RightThere]

Short version of the details.

 

I'm divorced from a 10 year relationship. My ex was a compulsive cheater so I've got a lot of insecurities surrounding that.

 

Been dating my girlfriend for 6 months. She was in a 10 year relationship, ended over 3 years ago. Her and her ex were good friends before their relationship and are still good friends after. Since their relationship ended, she's told me there's never been any hook-ups or anything like that.

 

They communicate fairly regularly (couple times a week). Sometimes they get together for coffee or he pops by her work to say "hi".

 

I have no reason to suspect anything is or could be going on. She's very open about when they talk and totally understands my issues regarding trust and thinking their relationship is odd (still in contact all the time).

 

We've talked about it and it's not a huge issue today, but it does some up that sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. But I feel like it's a rock and a hard place now because if I told her not to let him contact her anymore, I know she would do that. But could also be resentful towards me that I forced that on her.

 

Just looking to hear some advice if I'm just overly sensitive to the situation. My background is with all my ex's, I never keep in contact with any of them. Not because the relationships ended badly, just because I struggle to understand how you can go from romantic feelings to friendship feelings.

 

I'm not looking for any kind of ultimatum in my current relationship. Just not sure what I can do to make it OK for both of us.

[b-Shock]

I totally understand where you're coming from on this. I would be uncomfortable with that kind of interaction as well. Friends on Facebook is one thing, stopping by her work is a something else entirely.

 

I just heard a talk by Andy Stanley this week about this very thing. He's a pastor in Atlanta. He was talking about "Guardrails" for your life. He really hit hard on having serious friendships with members of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship. He basically said, it's an accident waiting to happen. I kind of agree with him on that.

 

It's probably not that you don't trust her, it's that you don't trust him.

[RightThere]

He really hit hard on having serious friendships with members of the opposite sex while you're in a relationship. He basically said, it's an accident waiting to happen. I kind of agree with him on that.

 

It's probably not that you don't trust her, it's that you don't trust him.

 

That is exactly it. And I've explained that's how I feel about it.

 

It's not that I don't trust her. It's that I don't trust the situation. If you constantly put yourself in a questionable situation, then it just opens the door for bad things to possibly happen.

 

And yeah. I don't trust him. Nothing against him at all, because I really don't know him. But it's that I don't trust the situation.

[dichotomy]

How serious are you and your GF? Are you at the "I love you" stage, talking perhaps about future?

 

Is this ex - involved in his own relationship or single?

 

Have you spent any time with this guy and your GF ? I trust my gut feelings.

[Michelle ma Belle]

That is exactly it. And I've explained that's how I feel about it.

 

It's not that I don't trust her. It's that I don't trust the situation. If you constantly put yourself in a questionable situation, then it just opens the door for bad things to possibly happen.

 

And yeah. I don't trust him. Nothing against him at all, because I really don't know him. But it's that I don't trust the situation.

 

I call bullsh*t.

 

Your second sentence in your opening post clearly says your GF was a "compulsive cheater" and that "you have a lot of insecurities around that".

 

Now you're saying you trust her.

 

Which is it?

 

And let's remember, no one is ever forced into doing anything they don't want to do. Everyone has a choice to either cheat or not cheat. It doesn't matter if the guy is pursuing her or hitting on her or whatever. SHE is responsible for HER OWN ACTIONS.

 

Period.

 

Remember, it's your GF who is the serial cheater not the ex.

[central]

Your insecurities over your ex cheating are yours to deal with. If your gf is trustworthy and open about her friendship, and doesn't put herself in situations with him that are inappropriate (sees him only in public, or with others present, or with you present), then I think it would be a mistake to place limits where none appear to be needed. As you say, she may resent it even if she accepts limits you impose, and that could lead to the end of your otherwise good relationship. Be aware, but don't be paranoid, is my advice.

[RightThere]

How serious are you and your GF? Are you at the "I love you" stage, talking perhaps about future?

 

Is this ex - involved in his own relationship or single?

 

Have you spent any time with this guy and your GF ? I trust my gut feelings.

 

We're pretty serious. Definitely talking about the future and being together.

 

Her ex does have a GF as well. They are probably about the same time together (6 months). They either own a place together, or are in the process of getting a place together.

 

I've not spent any time with the two of them together. To date, I haven't actually met her ex in person. It's something they both would be up for if it would help me feel better. But I don't think it will help me with jack.

 

Right now my gut trusts that nothing is happening. Just don't like the dangers of the potential situation.

[RightThere]

I call bullsh*t.

 

Your second sentence in your opening post clearly says your GF was a "compulsive cheater" and that "you have a lot of insecurities around that".

 

Now you're saying you trust her.

 

Which is it?

 

And let's remember, no one is ever forced into doing anything they don't want to do. Everyone has a choice to either cheat or not cheat. It doesn't matter if the guy is pursuing her or hitting on her or whatever. SHE is responsible for HER OWN ACTIONS.

 

Period.

 

Remember, it's your GF who is the serial cheater not the ex.

 

Sorry. Two totally different people.

 

My ex-wife is the compulsive cheater. She's long gone. Just a bit of context for my mindset.

 

My GF has never cheated on me. And in talking with her, has never cheated on a BF. Thinks it's very bad character. Her ex did have an emotional affair on her, but nothing physical (that she knows of).

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry. Two totally different people.

 

My ex-wife is the compulsive cheater. She's long gone. Just a bit of context for my mindset.

 

My GF has never cheated on me. And in talking with her, has never cheated on a BF. Thinks it's very bad character. Her ex did have an emotional affair on her, but nothing physical (that she knows of).

 

Okay, sorry about that. I was thinking WTF?

 

I'm a woman who maintains friendship with many of my ex's including my ex husband to whom I was married for 20 years. It turns out we're much better friends than husband and wife. There is ZERO interest romantically and I consider him more family than anything else. Anyone dating me will have to be confident enough in themselves to accept my friendship and realize that there is nothing to fear.

 

If your GF hasn't given you any reason to be concerned then trust in that.

 

Good luck!

[sandylee1]

It would make me uncomfortable too.

 

Why did they break up?

What do they talk about?

 

The amount of contact they havee is too much for exes IMO. I'd be wondering how long this will continue in your position. It could be forever. If I were to become single and date...one of my requirements would be no exes around.

 

I had a similar situation with my husband remaining friends with an Ex. While I could not force him to stop..I made it very clear that I didn't like it and it would affect our relationship ....and I'd hold back with him emotionally. I was very upset and it caused a huge strain.

 

You're not married..so it's a little different.

 

On the one hand they have a lot of history, on the other hand...they've been apart for 3 years as a relationship...so maybe there's no going back.

 

There are times it can be just friends. My brother is still friends with an ex from over 20 years ago..... but it's more FB stuff.

 

Don't invest too much more time if you can't handle it.

[dichotomy]

We're pretty serious. Definitely talking about the future and being together.

 

Her ex does have a GF as well. They are probably about the same time together (6 months). They either own a place together, or are in the process of getting a place together.

 

I've not spent any time with the two of them together. To date, I haven't actually met her ex in person. It's something they both would be up for if it would help me feel better. But I don't think it will help me with jack.

 

.

 

I think it would help you to go on a double date. Since her ex is involved I think seeing that dynamic (her ex and his new GF) would help you as well - maybe also help his GF to see you. Wonder if she has minor hesitations.

 

Kudos to your GF for being very upfront on all this. That says alot

 

However the amount of interaction they have, and that is is one on one - seems a but unnecessary.

 

If your getting serious I see NOTHING wrong with setting some boundaries or limits for you to move forward and get more serious. That might mean keeping interactions to double dates only or something like this.

[RightThere]

Why did they break up?

What do they talk about?

 

The short version of why they broke up was he wanted to have a non-monogamous relationship, and she only wanted a monogamous relationship. Lots of other relationship issues, but definitely the overriding factor.

 

They currently are just a lot of chit chat. She tells me that she doesn't confide in him things about our relationship or that. Anything of that nature is just with her girlfriends.

 

One recent conversation I had about it with her was that since they were both in good relationships now, they probably only would have good, light things to talk about. She did tell me about a situation a while back (before I met her) when they were both not in relationships. I think he was feeling down and basically told my GF that they were essentially kindred spirits. She didn't engage it much, but I felt that if our relationship had any struggles in the future, she might turn to him for support, and just the situation is full of bad signs.

 

I know a lot of it is my own baggage. But just wanting to hear more from other people in similar situations as to how they feel about it.

[dichotomy]

The short version of why they broke up was he wanted to have a non-monogamous relationship, and she only wanted a monogamous relationship. Lots of other relationship issues, but definitely the overriding factor.

 

 

ahhhh. ok...lots to like about this type of guy hanging around your GF then?

 

...so on the double date in the near future - over some food and drinks you smile and say "Hey I understand your new boyfriend does not like monogamy"

Edited February 5, 2016 by dichotomy

[RightThere]

Kudos to your GF for being very upfront on all this. That says alot

 

Yeah. She's been like an open book about everything. A lot because she also knows my history so she's comfortable with being open.

 

I think it would help you to go on a double date. Since her ex is involved I think seeing that dynamic (her ex and his new GF) would help you as well - maybe also help his GF to see you. Wonder if she has minor hesitations.

 

Apparently, I'm the only fly in the ointment right now about all of us getting together. However, for context, he and his new girlfriend have an open, non-monogamous relationship. So I feel like they just have a different perspective on the whole thing.

 

And for full disclosure, my ex-wife had one of the guys she was sleeping with over for a dinner party. I knew they were friends at the time, so even though I didn't like him at the time, I tried to be chummy to just be a nice person to who I thought was just my wife's "friend" at the time. I noticed a lot of stuff then that should have been red flags as to what was actually going on. After things went down with my ex-wife, I specifically remember that dinner as something I couldn't believe she would do in my face. So I feel any meeting with all of us would re-hash a lot of that crap for me.

[RightThere]

ahhhh. ok...lots to like about this type of guy hanging around your GF then?

 

Exactly. Add a whole other layer to my apprehension, right?

[Buck Turgidson]

I would consider a partner asking me to renege on my already-established friendships with other people a dealbreaker. My friends and I are a package deal. Friendships are not disposable, and I don't have them with people who think they are. And if I can't be friends with someone, I certainly can't have a romantic relationship with them.

[RightThere]

I would consider a partner asking me to renege on my already-established friendships with other people a dealbreaker. My friends and I are a package deal. Friendships are not disposable, and I don't have them with people who think they are. And if I can't be friends with someone, I certainly can't have a romantic relationship with them.

 

I totally believe that as well. I am definitely not looking for support in telling my GF she should cut him out.

 

The worst part is I know she would do it if I asked her to. Which further reinforces to me why she is really great about all of this.

 

I think I need more perspective on this type of situation. I come from a place where I never keep in touch with ex's. Not for negative reasons. Just because I can't picture going from relationship love to friendship love. Just doesn't make sense to me.

[dichotomy]

Exactly. Add a whole other layer to my apprehension, right?

 

 

Yes it does and it should. I see no reason for a double date with this couple now.

 

As mentioned my recommendation is still somewhere in the middle. Simply define your boundaries rather than asking her to cut him off, or do anything she wants. Neither is ideal.

 

You are obliviously uncomfortable with this and I think you can both reach a place of compromise.

[Miss Peach]

It sounds like to me you're transferring your insecurity onto your GF. She seems very open about it which would be my hesitation on the same situation. I have an ex who did that to me and I eventually left him over it. I could never make him feel secure.

 

I have two serious exes in my life and a dew guys I've gone out with dates that I often run into in similar social circles.

 

One is due to kids. If it weren't for that I wouldn't have maintained any relationship afterward. The other ex is an ex more because we do better as friends - he wants and feel the complete opposite about romantic relationships than me. I went NC at first but we stayed friends once over the grief stage.

 

I would NEVER take either back and I no longer feel any attraction towards either. It's funny because once I got over them neither looked attractive to me, etc. now.

 

My BF has met one of them. I think it's probably time for him to meet the other if he wants. He's met a few of the guys I've been on a few dates with.

[sandylee1]

If my new BF who I was serious about felt uncomfortable with my friendship with an ex....I'd let my ex know and stop communicating....... it's that simple. I wouldn't wait to be told to cut him off .... I'd just do it as a sign of how serious I was taking my new relationship.

 

 

Actually when I started seeing my husband...I was in contact with an ex ...then I told him I was with someone now and didn't think our contact was appropriate...although I knew my ex still had feelings for me.

[mrs rubble]

My feeling is that it's inappropriate to be socialising with your ex (or opposite sex friend) without your current partner being at least invited.

[Giggle]

My ex is a good friend. Likeable guy. Zero interest in being more ever again. Situations like that shouldn't make you insecure. It's a lack of faith in her. Cheating is a choice and if she's the kind of person to make that choice, then it would happen regardless. If she isn't that type of person, then it really doesn't matter if there is a tempting situation because she won't do it.

[RightThere]

My ex is a good friend. Likeable guy. Zero interest in being more ever again. Situations like that shouldn't make you insecure. It's a lack of faith in her. Cheating is a choice and if she's the kind of person to make that choice, then it would happen regardless. If she isn't that type of person, then it really doesn't matter if there is a tempting situation because she won't do it.

 

My GF and her ex have been broken up for over 3 years. She's had no interest in getting back together romantically. But I would definitely describe their friendship as "very strong." They know a lot about each other and know they can rely on each other.

 

Honestly I feel like it's not a lack of faith in my GF. It's more a lack of faith in him and just the bad situation they could one day find themselves in. They aren't going to movies or dinner together.

 

My experience with my ex-wife is not really similar to what I worry about (or maybe I'm just convincing myself of that). My ex-wife was completely predatory with other men, so she went seeking an affair. I just don't have any experience with the cliche "One Night Stand" where people just make a "mistake" and feel like they lost their minds for a couple of hours and regret everything the next day. I think that is what I'm more fearful of at this point.

 

I know I can't affair proof everything. And I do have more insecurities than I have before being on the wrong end of an affair. You are right that I need to focus more on her and what she does, versus what other people do.

[RightThere]

My feeling is that it's inappropriate to be socialising with your ex (or opposite sex friend) without your current partner being at least invited.

 

I am definitely invited.

 

That just causes a whole lot of anxiety for me. I know seeing them together, they'll have a lot of comfortableness and non-verbal communication between them that old couples tend to. Just will cause a lot of flashbacks to seeing my ex-wife do similar things with guys she tried to make me be friends with while they banged her behind my back.

[big dog]

I'd be movin' on down the road..... this has the making's of a bad relationship written all over it.