redksins23 Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Hello, I will make this condensed as much as possible. Have been dating my GF for 3months now. We are co-workers and both came out of very lengthy somewhat toxic relationships(6yrs) at the same time. It has been an incredibly passionate and amazing ride so far. We have so much in common and love each others company. We have notified our HR that we are dating its between us. It has been so amazing that we started discussing the possibility of marriage and children in the near future. So things have been moving really really fast in a great way. We've met each other's parents and i have met 1-2 of her close friends. I have had some insecurities from my past relationship and we have communicated that to each other as we both are on the same page. We have been open and honest and discuss almost everything. We compliment each other and adore/love each other very much. Its clear. We even have each others passwords to our phones. My insecurities started building up as she is a very active person and has a lot of amazing hobbies that keeps her busy. And I am on the same boat. She has a group of ex co-workers that she is close to and they occasionally meet for drinks. There is one particular guy from the group that she told me about and has been open with that they are friends. I started getting suspicious for no reason except my gut said something was off. Last night, I was up working late and I came across a somewhat irrelevant work email (her ex was going to meet with one of my managers for drinks) same industry/community. I started to worry as though the ex was going to cause a scene. (not the case, it was job advice). I started getting paranoid for no reason and decided to snoop through her phone. I know should have not done that and I feel extremely guilty and disappointed in myself for doing it as it is an invasion of someones privacy. Especially because that was one of the main reasons of why my last relationship failed and i was on the the other end of trust issues. I thought I was growing from that and moved passed it. I came across a text message with her and the ex-guy co-worker. From Saturday night. We both went out separately that night. When we spoke at about 2am we were both clearly intoxicated. That night I overreacted for no reason and was a little salty with her because I wanted to see her at some point or at the very least spend the night with each other. The next day I apologized for being 'drunk-mean' and told her i want to see her. The text I read basically said: Guy - You are hot and i wish we could be together. But my gf is great. GF- Im sorry if i didnt help the situation and i behaved. Guy - do you not feel the same? GF - I can say there has always been something between us but im happy your happy. Guy- One day I hope to have sex with you GF - Cant say that it will or wont happen. Can't wait to meet your GF. Guy - Fair enough. Needless to say I was devastated and probably over-reacted. It was not a great feeling in many ways. From betraying her trust and privacy to reading a text that was very late at night and during while they were intoxicated. I stayed up all night wondering if I should bite the bullet and tell her i went through her phone or not. I know most people would say its completely my fault and i asked for it. I should never invade someones privacy. She never gave me any real reason except my gut feeling about this guy. The next morning we walked to work and I told her that, I was reflecting on saturday night and that my insecurities came out since then. I asked her to be open with me and communicate if she has something on her mind or is not happy and if she still feels that we are in this together for the long haul. and if we are not lets talk about it and it would be ok. she said she appreciated me talking to her and sharing and that she is 100% in this and that she wants this. I texted her after: Me - im sorry for dropping so many bombs this morning. ? i hope you know its not from a place of being selfish. i love you, i cherish you and us. I am not going to make the same mistakes i made in the past and im really confident and at peace with that. you have been a major reason for that. I trust you with my heart. you are a beautiful amazing soul and i am very lucky to have you in my life. thanks for being there listening to me. GF - i completely know it wasn’t from a selfish place and i’m so so very happy you brought it all up i am in this 100% and there will be moments where i’ll need you to trust me (not saying that you don’t, don’t worry) but any hurdle we get to we’ll conquer together through open communication, trust and love you know i love our real talk moments never hold back ?. I am not looking for the right answer. I just dont know what to feel. I will never tell her that I went through her phone. but its been eating me alive all day thinking about the text and me having that weak moment where i snooped. I want to believe her and a part of me feels like it was inappropriate texting but nothing happened and I should trust her. the other part tells me that she may not be committed. The other part of me says that she should have never had a conversation like that and its emotional cheating. Any advice feedback would be great. Thank you and I am sorry for such a long winded note. 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d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Slow down on every level. 3 months in any talk of marriage is much too soon. Having each other's phone passwords is ridiculous. If you don't trust the person & you need to go through their phone, all is not paradise. Even if it's from your own insecurities, which you admit, the fact that you did this tells me YOU are not in a healthy place from which to start a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redksins23 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) Slow down on every level. 3 months in any talk of marriage is much too soon. Having each other's phone passwords is ridiculous. If you don't trust the person & you need to go through their phone, all is not paradise. Even if it's from your own insecurities, which you admit, the fact that you did this tells me YOU are not in a healthy place from which to start a relationship. Thanks d0nnivain. Appreciate the feedback. So does it not matter what she said in the text? Edited February 3, 2016 by redksins23 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Of course what she said in a text matters. Because she wouldn't rule out sex with this other guy, she may not be as invested in your relationship as you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redksins23 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Of course what she said in a text matters. Because she wouldn't rule out sex with this other guy, she may not be as invested in your relationship as you are. I guess, I was shocked because I thought we were on the same page. I assumed she would tell me how she felt. So why is she tell me otherwise? That she is 100% in it? She literally can get any guy she wants. She is beyond beautiful, smart, successful. Im just confused. But thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Dude, 3 months is pocket change. She is 100% into it at the 3 month level. You are already married or engaged with two years behind you in your mind. Slow down. You have no right to snoop or to dissect her messages which wasn't disrespectful to you since she was noncommittal on everything. She isn't your wife, or your fiancé and I've had conversations with banks that have gone longer than your relationship. You have a trust issue you need to fix. I would ask for some time away from her to work it out before you do irreparable damage to your fledgling relationship. Best, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redksins23 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Thanks Grumps. When you say she was 'noncommittal on everything', do you mean her response to the texts or to our relationship. I need to slow it down. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Thanks Grumps. When you say she was 'noncommittal on everything', do you mean her response to the texts or to our relationship. I need to slow it down. To me, her texts read like this.... I'm not interested in you, but I want to be nice because that is what I was trained to be since birth because I'm a girl. I keep reminding you that you have a girlfriend because I'm not interested yet I won't directly insult you because you could be some crazy stalker or someone who lashes out physically or verbally. I am not going to mention my new bf because that is my private business and you would just get competitive and keep annoying me about him. Therefore I'm as neutral as Switzerland and noncommittal because I find your attentions flattering but I know I shouldn't find them flattering. Signed, a man married for 22 years with two daughters, Grumps 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Httm Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 You are in no way NEAR ready to be in a relationship. Plus, you broke trust and her privacy. Go work on yourself for a year before you even consider a relationship. Once trust is gone, it is over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redksins23 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Grumps! That is a great reply. she said' sorry if i didnt help the situation, and he said, 'no you behaved.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author redksins23 Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Thanks Httm, yea I dont know about a year. But I do need to work on myself. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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