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Should I move to my boyfriend's house?


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Hey guys,

 

at the moment I have a lot of trouble with my boyfriend. Maybe someone of you can give me some advice... :(

 

We are a couple for almost two years and started to talk about moving together. In the beginning we lived in the same city, me in a 1room apartment, he in a 2 room apartment. 6 months later he moved to his parents in their so called holiday house, a bungalow (where he lives alone), in the rural area about 1 - 1 1/2h away from the city. I visit him once a week, sometimes twice a week...

Everytime when he is in the city he does not want to come to my place because he does not like it there. He still does not know my parents, my friends :/ But that's another problem.

 

When we started to talk about moving together he asked me if I want to move to his place. And that's the problem: I grew up in a city, never lived in a rural area. I do not feel comfortable there, more like a guest in the house...I asked him why we can't move to his place in the city. Most of his work is still there. He told me, it is too small for him. Also, at the moment a friend lives there and he can save some money....

 

Although I have a great job in the city where I am allowed to do home office, I still need to go to the office 2-3x a week. The other days I can stay at home.

I have tried out to do home office in his house, but it's nearly impossible. His father stays there almost all day and making a lot of phone calls (actually he is always on the phone and talking very loud). It is hard to concentrate on my work.

 

A lot of renovation work has to be done because the house is very old. He said, I do not need to pay a rent but all additional costs for the house, so he can save some money for the renovation.

I don't know what to do: I would like to keep my apartment because

1.) when it's getting late I do not have a long way home

2.) for home office my apartment is much better (no father who is always talking on the phone)

3.) In case we don't get along with each other I have a place to go and don't have to look for another one.

 

The problem in keeping my apartment is that the costs will be very high. I asked him if I can pay only half of the additional costs in the beginning he got really angry and said I should be more thankful if I have the chance to live in house than in a flat and I should sublet my apartment... which I do not want to do.. at least in the beginning.

 

It feels like I would totally lose myself in his life... and I have to compromize myself a lot for him. Or am I unthankful? I understand his point in living in a house is better than in a flat.... To be honest, for me it would be ok to live in his apartment for the beginning. I don't need a house far away from my home town and work to find out if we get along together...

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Location, location, location.

 

You voice a number of practical reasons why living where he is now doesn't work for you. He hasn't offered any counters to those other than he doesn't want to live in the city & he can live rent free.

 

The fact that he hasn't met your family after 2 years together is a much bigger deal. His refusal to even come to your apartment when he is in the city is also problematic.

 

He does not seem willing or able to compromise. He seems to think only about himself.

 

So no, I don't think you should move in with him. I actually think you should consider breaking up with him to find a man who is more concerned about accommodating your needs rather than forcing his will down your throat.

 

If you don't want to break up, at least just continue doing what you have been doing, dating but living apart.

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You have given a whole slew of reasons why it would be a problem and very few examples of the benefits.

 

Like d0nnivain has stated, it seems you are doing most of the work keeping the relationship going and, ultimately, I think you will resent him if you move in with him. It will be just one more thing you have done for him when he has done little for you.

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I have an ex who never wanted to meet my friends or family. He even wanted to move in with me. In the end I was just someone to pass time with.

 

Even if that's not the case with your guy, I would get on the same page as to what a future might look like before you move in with him. At some point you both need to live in the same place assuming the relationship advances. How would you handle it then? What would your future look like? If one of you won't budge this could become a wedge issue.

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You are having serious doubts. Trust your instincts.

 

Having been married and doing the whole 'merging' things - house, bank accounts, etc., I wouldn't do it again. Keep a place for yourself. If you have doubts about being with him in that place, don't do it.

 

He shouldn't be getting angry with you. Do you want to get more involved with someone who gets angry with you?

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Look, you've got every reason to say no to this. So just say no.

 

I will mention, however, that I always advise city girls to go live in the country for a bit and country girls to go live in the city for a bit. Because they both have their charms and it broadens your horizons and especially broadens your skill set as long as you are open minded about it. Living in a house being renovated, you would never get anything done, I can tell you that. I think he's just looking to cut costs. Stay put, keep your apartment, tell him once all the renovation is over with, you can revisit the issue. It's good to have your own place, though would be nice if you could work at home and move to a cheaper location out of the big city to a less expensive place and not have to drive in to work.

 

And you could get a roommate right where you are too.

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Should I move to my boyfriend's house?

 

Even the best reasons to move in together aren't good enough reasons IMO, so no.

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